I am obsessed with tits.
I stare at them – I can’t help it. I am the woman you catch glaring at your nipples in the gym changing room, and I find it almost impossible not to pass comment on a pair that I find attractive. It’s a perversion that I don’t bother trying to hide. Most of my female friends will tell you that I sneak a peek whenever I can. Skype me and I will flash you, then probably ask to be flashed back. Get changed at my house? Expect to be gawked at. I can’t help it. I just love them. Tits. BRRRRRRRR.
As well as my appreciation for the way they look, their function blows my mind. Having watched my sister’s children suckle from them and grow, I understand the value of their power. But I only have to let down the guard of my subconscious down for a millionth of a second to have my mind flurried with reminders that those fountains of life may also be the source of death. It’s a negative connotation I have learned to suppress enough for my love of boobs to be a true pleasure in my life, but it’s always there somewhere. I was six years old (two days off seven) when my mother died of breast cancer, on 21st January 1986. I am still full of questions about who my mother was, and why it happened. Everything I am stems from a fear of abandonment or the fear of history repeating itself, and at the age of thirty-four I can cry on demand if I dare think back to being six years old.
And now, still, boobs are scarcely off my mind. So off the back of the obsession I give you: The Booby Trap and Other Bits and Boobs. An entire book about boobs. You. Are. Welcome!
What you are about to read is a vibrant mix of fact and fiction, prose and poetry. We have drawings too – even a photo of a feminist’s torso! When my publishers, Hot Key Books, gave the go ahead for this book, the brief was simple: ‘Get as many famous people as you can to write whatever they like about anything to do with boobs at any point in their life.’ So that’s what I did – I shamelessly approached everyone I had access to, and the result makes for brilliant reading.
What makes this even better is that proceeds from the sales of this book will be split between my three favourite breast cancer charities. I couldn’t decide which one of them to pick so I picked them all. We have Breast Cancer Care, Breakthrough Breast Cancer and CoppaFeel! So that’s care, research and awareness all covered. At the back of the book you can find out a bit more of what each charity does along with all of their contact details.
The thing about breast cancer is that if you catch it early, the chances of you being absolutely fine are very very high. Most breast cancers are found by self-examination, so before you start reading, please put down this book, lift up your top, and have a good feel of your boobs. Also at the back of the book is a step-by-step guide on how to check your boobs properly. Make it part of your routine, get to know how they feel so you know if anything changes. Who said groping couldn’t save lives?
Done? Great, let’s crack on …