Twenty Things I Love About My Boobs
1. They didn’t turn up until I left school so no boys ever got to snap my bra strap. It’s very hard to twang a vest.
2. They catch cake crumbs. Like nature’s bib.
3. I keep my pencils under there.
4. They stop men calling me ‘mate’ on the bus. (I used to get called ‘son’ a lot as a kid but that might have been the hair).
5. They help you learn the alphabet. I know up to H.
6. Mine make a good warm pillow for kittens and boyfriends.
7. I once cheered up a sad friend by flashing my boobs and she laughed (from the surprise, I like to think).
8. They are the bridge between ‘just kissing’ and ‘thank God I’ve shaved me legs cos we’re doing it!”
9. They save me from suffocation. (I sleep on my stomach and they stop me from lying too flat.)
10. They’re like a built-in bumper. It would be hard to crack a rib with these babies on duty.
11. My boyfriend says they make lovely hand warmers.
12. They are the reason I don’t really want to lose weight. (I’ll be left with just a gut rather than curves.)
13. The best time of any day is when I take my bra off. Whether I’m at home, on a train, in a cinema or driving (always pull in to release the beasts. Safety first. Comfort second).
14. Motorboating, where someone you know (preferably) puts their face betwixt your knockers and makes the noise of a small engine, can be used as self defence (depending on the size of the boobs and assailant).
15. In a good bra, they make me feel like a 1950s Hollywood starlet.
16. In a certain nightie, I look like Bubbles DeVere. But, wow, is that nightie comfy.
17. In bed, they keep my underarms warm.
18. They can accidentally click a link on my laptop.
19. Their size means I can’t see my belly. Therefore it mustn’t exist.
20. Underneath them is the first place I get sweaty. A sign to turn the heating down. Like a woozy canary in a mine.