Bethany was shocked that Michael believed Ivan. Even she doubted her brother’s innocence. Yet the crime didn’t make any sense. Why would Ivan steal three chickens?
Why would anyone? The vast majority of farms in the area had their own chickens as she did.
“Go on and get ready for supper, Ivan.” When her brother left the room, Bethany looked at Michael. “What are we going to do with him?”
“The next time there is a report about something Ivan is suspected of doing, I think it would be best to involve the police.”
“The bishop would not agree to that. Our community has taken great pains to avoid any involvement by the Englisch law.”
“The police can easily rule out Ivan as a suspect by fingerprints or by DNA. Their findings will carry weight with the Englisch community.”
“You really think someone is deliberately blaming Ivan?”
“I do.”
She wished she could be so positive. This setback was crushing. “I’m not sure I can simply wait for another incident to occur.”
“It’s the only choice we have unless Ivan can be convinced to break his promise and tells us what he knows.”
“Do you know who he’s protecting?”
“I think I do but I have no proof. I think you know, too.”
“Jeffrey?”
He nodded. She shook her head in bewilderment. “But why? Do you think we should tell the bishop about this?”
Michael took his time answering her. “I’d rather not, but if you feel you should, then I’m okay with it.”
“What do we do?”
“We keep to a normal pattern of activity. And we keep a good eye on Ivan. What are your plans for this week?”
“I have a lot of things that need to be done. Christmas is getting closer by the minute. I have a ton of baking to get finished. On Saturday I plan to send the children out to collect fir branches and winterberries for the house and for wreaths. I was hoping that you would go with them.”
“I can.”
“On Sunday Pastor Frank is coming to supper.”
“Why?” He looked at her suspiciously.
“Because he’s a friend. We enjoyed his company. He frequently drives us and other Amish people in his van at no charge.”
“I see.”
She walked to the window and stared out at the low gray clouds scuttling across the sky. A few snowflakes floated down from them. She wound the ribbon of her kapp around one finger. “I had asked Frank to speak with Ivan about his behavior but I never took Ivan to see him. He’s been doing so much better lately. You have been a good influence on him. But now this.”
Michael walked up to stand behind her. She could see their reflection together in the window. She was becoming dependent on him for advice and for comfort. She longed to rest her head against his shoulder and feel she wasn’t facing this problem alone.
“I know you’re worried,” he said quietly.
If she leaned back, would he take her in his arms? It was a foolish thought. “To worry is to doubt God’s mercy. I try not to, but it seems to be my best talent.”
He chuckled. “I thought speaking Cow was your best talent.”
She smiled. “Don’t tell Frank I get my advice from Clarabelle. He went to many years of school to become a psychologist and counselor so he could advise folks.”
“Jenny thinks you should marry. That way Ivan won’t be sent away.”
Bethany looked down as her face grew hot. “She’s been listening to Gemma. Husbands don’t exactly grow on trees in New Covenant.”
“Anyone you chose would be getting a fine wife.”
She looked up to study his reflection in the glass but it wasn’t clear enough to let her see what he was thinking. “Are you making me an offer?”
“You would be getting a very poor bargain if I was.”
She turned around so she could look into his eyes. “Why do you say that?”
“Because it’s the truth.”
There was so much pain in his voice and deep in his eyes that she wanted to hold him and promise to make everything better. She couldn’t. She knew that, but it didn’t lessen her desire to help him.
The letter from Mr. Meyers hadn’t told her why Michael didn’t return to work in his store or why he left his family in Ohio to come to Maine. He could have easily fixed watches for Mr. Meyers there the same way he was doing here. “What’s wrong, Michael?”
He laid a hand against her cheek. “Nothing that you can fix.”
“How do I know that if you can’t tell me what troubles you?”
“Trust me. You don’t want to know.” He turned and walked down the hall and out the back door.
He was so wrong. She wanted to know everything about Michael Shetler. Her mother’s voice echoed from the past. If you don’t know a man inside and out, don’t marry him. He’ll bring you nothing but pain.
Michael was up early on Saturday because he knew Ivan and Jenny would be over as soon as they could. He hoped that Bethany would accompany them on their trek into the woods to gather winterberries and fir boughs for wreath making but he wasn’t sure that she would. It was hard for him to believe that he had only been in New Covenant a little over two weeks. So much had happened. So much had changed. He hadn’t had a flashback for thirteen days and not a single panic attack. Maybe his PTSD episodes were behind him for good. He prayed it was true.
Sadie alerted him that the children had arrived by scratching at the door and woofing softly. He opened the door and she shot outside, barking and bounding around Jenny. The girl was pulling a red toboggan. She dropped to her knees and threw her arms around Sadie’s neck. The dog responded by licking her face. Jenny’s giggle was so much like Bethany’s that anyone could tell they were related. Ivan stopped to pet the dog, too.
Bethany came up the hill behind the children. Her bright welcoming smile was like the sun breaking through on a dreary day. He was happy to see her smiling again after the depressing visit with Mr. Janson.
Michael’s refusal to talk about his past troubled her, too. He knew that, but his decision would never change.
Bethany pulled a blue toboggan with a bushel basket on it. Like the children, she was bundled for the outdoors with a heavy coat, mittens and snow boots. The red-and-white-striped knit scarf around her neck was identical to the one Jenny was wearing.
Ivan patted Sadie and then hurried to Michael’s door. He was pulling a yellow disk sled. “Guder mariye, Michael.”
“Morning, Ivan. So where are we going?”
The boy pointed up the ridge. “I know the perfect place to get pine boughs. It isn’t far.”
Michael looked at the pine-covered forest stretching up into the mountains. “I hope that’s true. I’m not sure my leg will hold up in all this snow. Besides, don’t we have about a million trees to choose from close to home?”
“It has to be balsam fir and we will pull you on the sled if you get tired.” Bethany stopped beside Ivan.
“I give up. Why balsam?” Michael returned her smile. The darkness of his past was etched deep in his soul, but just being with her gave him hope that he could be healed. He prayed that God would show him mercy.
Michael couldn’t plan any kind of family life until he was sure, but he could dream of the day when he had the right to tell Bethany how he felt about her.
“I want balsam fir because of its wonderful, spicy scent, its lovely color and its short dense needles.”
Michael looked at both of their sleds. “Are we planning to bring back a lot of branches? I was thinking we’d have an armful or two.”
Bethany began counting on her fingers. “Gemma and her mother want some. We need enough for our house and for your cabin. Plus, I will make some for friends and I also plan to sell a few at the grocer’s. Mr. Meriwether lets us set up a display in front of his store. Last year I sold thirty-eight of them and made almost a thousand dollars.”
“I didn’t know you operated a seasonal business.”
“We have to make ends meet any way we can. Are you ready?”
He nodded even though he wasn’t looking forward to the hike. Sadie Sue took off after a rabbit.
Ivan put Jenny on her sled and pulled her along as he walked beside Michael. Ivan met Michael’s gaze. “The snow might get too deep for her. A man takes care of his family, right?”
Michael smiled. “Right.”
When Sadie Sue returned without a bunny, Jenny coaxed her to sit on the sled with her. She and Ivan took turns pulling the dog along. Sadie wasn’t sure she liked the ride and kept jumping off and then back on. Their antics had Michael and Bethany laughing as they made their way up into the forest.
Ivan was true to his word. He led them to a small grove of the fir trees less than three hundred yards beyond Michael’s cabin. The trees were almost all the same size at about eight feet tall and evenly spaced.
Michael glanced at Bethany. “Someone planted this grove. Do we have permission to harvest these?”
She gave him a reassuring grin. “We do. This land belongs to Pastor Frank. We are free to use what we like. If we take a whole tree, he asks that we replant one to replace it.”
“He’s a generous man.” Michael hadn’t seen him since the night of his flashback. Although he had been tempted to attend the survivors’ group meeting, he wasn’t ready to have others know about his problem.
Bethany distributed clippers to everyone and they set about filling the sleds with piles of the wonderfully pungent branches. When the children had finished cutting, they went exploring while the adults cinched down the loads with lengths of rope.
Michael tied off the last knot, dusted the snow from a nearby fallen log and sat down to rest. Bethany came over to join him. The view spread out before them was breathtaking. They could see the winding course of the river down below, the silver ribbon of highway that paralleled the river’s course and the houses of Fort Craig. In the distance the Appalachian mountain range provided a beautiful backdrop. It was a lovely spot and he had a beautiful woman beside him.
She rubbed her hands up and down on her arms. “It’s getting colder.”
He slipped his arm around her and she moved closer, making his heart beat faster. Not with fear but with joy.
“How long have you been taking care of your brother and sister?” Michael asked gently. He leaned forward to see her face.
Bethany smiled. “A long time.”
“What happened to your parents? Does it bother you to talk about it?”
She shook her head. “My mother passed away shortly after Jenny was born. The doctor had a medical reason but I think she died of a broken heart. My father had left us about a month before that.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Neither did I. If you are thinking that my father died, you are mistaken. My father packed up and moved away. He didn’t want to be Amish anymore. It was the third time he had come back into our lives, begged for forgiveness, and was welcomed by our Amish community. I would like to give him credit for trying to shoulder his responsibilities, but I’m not sure he tried very hard.”
“He left your mother twice before that? Left her and his children?” Michael could barely believe what he was hearing.
“The first time he went away I was six. I woke up on my sixth birthday to find my mother crying and my father gone. Just gone. He didn’t bother to tell me goodbye.”
“I’m sorry. That was cruel.”
“He came back two years later, said he was sorry and begged Mother to give him another chance. She did. I was overjoyed. Mother was, too, but only for a while. He stayed for three years but even as a child I could see they weren’t happy together. He left again. The next time he came back he only stayed a year.”
“Did he ever tell you why he couldn’t stay or what he did when he was away?”
“Not to me. He refused to talk about his other life. He did come to Mother’s funeral. I thought he would take care of us but he said he couldn’t. I was sixteen. He left me with a brokenhearted little boy and a newborn babe. We haven’t seen or heard from him since.”
“It’s hard to believe a man could cast aside his responsibilities that way.” No wonder she was so committed to keeping the children with her.
“Fortunately, our mother’s father, Elijah, stepped up to take us in. My father’s brother, Onkel Harvey, was willing to accept us but I wanted to stay with Grandpa. That’s how I ended up helping Elijah look for a place to start his new Amish community. Each fall after the farm work was done, we would travel to different locations, looking for a place to settle. When we received a letter from Pastor Frank telling us about New Covenant, we decided to visit during the winter to see just how bad it was going to be. The road leading to our farm was merely a tunnel plowed through four feet of snow.”
“I’m sorry about your father.”
“Our faith requires a strength of character that he didn’t possess. My mother could have gone with him, but she refused to abandon her faith and break her vows to God.”
“She must’ve been a strong woman.”
“She was, but each time my father came back and then left again, it was like he took pieces of her strength with him until there was nothing left.”
“You have inherited your strength from her.”
“I hope so. She wanted Father to come back so badly. She prayed for it. When she knew she was dying, she made me promise I would keep the family together. She didn’t say she wanted it for him in case he came back, but I think that’s exactly what she hoped for.”
“It was a big burden to place on a young girl.” He bent and kissed her lips gently.
He felt her sharp intake of breath and he drew back. “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.”
“I didn’t mind.”
He looked away from the comfort she offered. “Did you ever consider leaving the Amish?”
“I think we all question at one time or another if this path to God is the right one for us. I never seriously considered leaving. What about you?”
“I did more than question. I left the Amish life behind and lived in the outside world for five years.”
She gave him a funny look. “You did? What made you come back?”
“That is not something I care to talk about.” His answer seemed to take her by surprise.
“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to understand. You say you want to live alone but you spend almost as much time with my family as I do.”
“Ivan and Jenny can be hard to resist.” As was their big sister. He rose to his feet and held out his hand to her. “We should head back.”
“Will you remain Amish?”
He could tell it was important to her to know the answer. “I will.”
Bethany allowed him to help her up but she pulled her hand away from his quickly. She had shared the most painful part of her life but he was unwilling to speak of his past. Until this moment she considered him someone she could count on. Someone dependable, but was he? He’d left the Amish once. What if he decided to leave again? A seed of doubt had been sown in her mind.
She shouldn’t have let him kiss her. There was no promise between them. No plan for the future. That knowledge alone should help keep her emotions from carrying her away where he was concerned.
Ivan came through the trees with a big bundle of winterberry branches in his arms, leaving a thin trail of red berries on the snow behind him. Sadie Sue walked beside him. He laid the branches on top of the blue sled. Bethany looked around. “Where is Jenny?”
“She said she wanted to play hide-and-seek with Sadie Sue. She’s gone to hide.”
Michael patted the dog’s head. “Let’s hope she has a bunny in her pocket.”
Bethany didn’t look amused. “Let’s pray we can find her if the dog can’t.”
“That will be easy. We’ll just follow her footsteps in the snow,” Ivan said.
Michael took Sadie Sue’s head between his hands. “Find Jenny.”
Sadie took off into the trees. He looked at Bethany. “Do we follow the dog or just hope she finds Jenny before it gets dark?”
“I’m going to follow the dog.” She pointed to the log they had been sitting on. “You don’t need to do more hiking than you have already. Rest.”
Ivan sat on the log. “I’m going to wait here.”
They heard Sadie barking in the distance. Bethany started toward the sound. She hadn’t gone far when she saw Jenny and the dog coming toward her. Jenny was covered with snow but she was smiling from ear to ear. “She found me. I buried myself under the snow and she found me. She’s the smartest dog in the whole wide world.”
Bethany smiled at her sister. “Well, for that she deserves a whole sausage. Are you ready to go home?”
Jenny nodded and they began to walk side by side. She glanced up at Bethany. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“I’ve been thinking that you should marry Michael.”
Bethany arched one eyebrow. “You’ve been thinking that, have you?”
Jenny cocked her head to the side as a serious expression settled over her face. “I like him. Ivan wouldn’t have to go away and you could have babies.”
“I see you have this all figured out. How many babies do you think I should have?”
“Three or four. Mostly girls but you could have one boy if you wanted to.”
It hurt Bethany’s heart to know her little sister was worrying about Ivan, too. She managed a reassuring smile. “I don’t believe the bishop is going to send Ivan away, so I’m not going to marry Michael or anyone else until you and Ivan are grown up. You are my family. I don’t need anyone else.”
Jenny kicked at the snow. “Ivan said you would say that.”
Bethany patted her sister on the head. “Then Ivan is smarter than I gave him credit for.”
On Sunday evening Michael was reading Elijah’s book on the history of clocks when Sadie perked up and thumped her tail on the floor. She kept her eyes on the front door. A knock followed. Michael knew who was there before he opened the door.
“Good evening, Frank.”
“Evening, Michael. I thought I would stop by and see if I could interest you in a game of chess.” He had a case under his arm.
“I have a strong suspicion that I’ll be outclassed, but sure, come in.”
Frank looked at Sadie. “Is this the same dog you had before?”
“It is.”
He bent to pat her head. “Living with you certainly agrees with her. I don’t see a single rib sticking out anymore. Her coat is gorgeous. Such a pretty golden color.” He glanced at Michael. “How have you been?”
Michael led the way to a small table and two chairs set in the corner. He clicked on the floor lamp and took a seat. “Sadie is not the only one improving. I’ve come a long way.”
“Really?” Frank opened his case and lifted out a chessboard and pieces. “Tell me about it.”
“I haven’t had a flashback or a panic attack since the last time we spoke. I’ve never gone so long without an episode.”
Frank glanced at Michael. “I’m glad to hear it. I’ve been expecting you to show up at one of my support groups but you keep disappointing me.”
“I don’t see the need for therapy if I’m getting better on my own. You said some people get over it by themselves.”
“I did say that. What do you think has made the difference?”
“Sadie Sue, for one thing. She always alerts me if someone is near. I depend on her sharp nose and ears. If I start getting edgy, she will come over and distract me. She’s amazing.”
“So instead of being hypervigilant, you rely on the dog to do that for you. I don’t want to belittle your progress, but isn’t that substituting one kind of crutch for another?”
“Maybe it is but it makes life bearable.”
“Bethany tells me Ivan has been in trouble again but that you are sticking up for the boy.” Frank began to place the chess pieces on the board.
“I think the saying is ‘innocent until proven guilty.’”
“Sadly that is sometimes forgotten in today’s society. Have you thought more about your flashback triggers?”
Michael shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “Like I told you, I haven’t had one since the night we met.”
“I’m glad to see you are improving but I hope you understand that recovery is a slow process. There will be setbacks. They may not be as severe as what you’ve had in the past but you should be prepared for them. Being prepared ahead of time makes it easier for you and for anyone with you to get through an episode. Black or white?” He held out two chess pieces.
“White. How can I be prepared for one if I never know when they will occur?” Michael positioned his men on the board.
“That’s a good question. Since you are working and living close to Bethany, she might benefit from learning about this, too.”
Michael glanced up sharply. “I don’t want her involved.”
“Is that wise? She has a good head on her shoulders. She won’t panic.”
“No!”
“Okay, but I think you’re making a mistake.”
“It’s mine to make.” He was aware of Bethany’s withdrawal at the pine branch gathering. Was it because of his kiss or something else? It had been hard for her to relate the story of how her father bounced in and out of her life and then abandoned them. When Michael admitted that he had left the Amish once before, it touched a nerve for her.
Maybe her coolness was for the best. He was better. He knew he was better, but he wasn’t sure if it would last.
After beginning the game in silence and playing for a while, Michael realized he wasn’t outclassed by Pastor Frank. They were evenly matched and he began to enjoy the game.
“Do you have plans for next Saturday evening?” Frank asked.
“Nope. Why?”
“The city of Presque Isle puts on a holiday parade every year that’s worth going to see. I’m getting together a vanload of Amish folks and driving them up to enjoy it. Would you like to join us?”
A big outing, crowds—he wasn’t sure he was up to it. “Is it something Ivan and Jenny would enjoy?”
“Absolutely. It’s fun for all ages and it’s free. I’ve already asked Bethany and she said she would come.”
“I’ll consider it. I believe this is checkmate.” Michael moved his queen to trap Frank’s king.
Frank studied the board and sighed heavily. “I concede. Nice game.”
“Another?” Michael asked.
Frank shook his head. “I should get going. I’ll save you a seat in the van if you decide to go with us. Think about what I’ve said. Being prepared to endure a flashback or panic attack can make it easier on everyone involved.”
“I’ll keep it in mind.”
But he wouldn’t involve Bethany. Not ever.