To: Erin Walsh
From: Nick Acevedo
Date: December 25
Subject: Confession
Confession: I fucking miss you. All of you. More than the words "I miss you" can even express.
I miss the obscure history and science that's way over my head, too.
I hope you're safe and warm, and I want you home soon because I will be seeing you as soon as possible.
To: Nick Acevedo
From: Erin Walsh
Date: December 27
Subject: Confession
My confession: I fucking miss you, too.
But I keep thinking that I can't give you what you want. I can't give you anything. Seriously. What kind of relationship is this? We're like pen pals who've seen each other naked, and you're a nice guy. The nicest. But you're stuck with me, and I'm on a goddamn ship headed for the North Pole, and I'll be there for months.
You deserve so much more than someone who can't get on the same continent as you more than once a year.
To: Erin Walsh
From: Nick Acevedo
Date: December 27
Subject: Confession
We're going to blame that last message on the cold. Or sea sickness. Or something relating to magnetic north and shifting poles and God knows what else.
Before you come back and tell me it's not some Arctic shit making you crazy, let me tell you this: you can't shake me off that easy. I'll buy some snowshoes, hike my ass up to the North Pole, and carry you home if I have to, but you're not done with me yet.
Answer me this: who do you think about when you touch yourself?
To: Nick Acevedo
From: Erin Walsh
Date: January 4
Subject: No confessions here
After the American Revolution, the colonists started drafting their own laws, there was one that showed up in the constitutions of nine of the thirteen original colonies—although I've always wondered what was wrong with the other four—and was a tenet of the common law at the time. It's known as nemo tenetur, which translates to no one is obliged. The colonists were pretty fired up about this notion.
It was a direct and proportional response to the British courts of equity that dated back to the late 1400s. Colonists took issue with the courts' inquisitorial approach. The burden of proof didn't lie with the courts, as it does now.
Come to think of it, the inquisitorial approach does have a home in this age. Yeah, it's now known as enhanced interrogation. Hmm…funny how these things come full circle.
Today, nemo tenetur is known as the Fifth Amendment of the Constitution and I am invoking it. There are a lot of things I'll do to myself, but self-incrimination is not one of them, thank you kindly.
To: Erin Walsh
From: Nick Acevedo
Date: January 5
Subject: It was definitely a confession
I love your nerdy history talk. The way you tell it sounds really fucking filthy, and I love it. Don't ever stop.
That was an exceptionally detailed way of telling me that yes, you definitely think about me. You should, since I think of you quite often. We've shared many showers, lovely.
To: Nick Acevedo
From: Erin Walsh
Date: January 9
Subject: It wasn't an admission of anything
I know my rights, sir, and I know that I confessed nothing.
Am I correct in assuming you spent the holidays with my family?
To: Erin Walsh
From: Nick Acevedo
Date: January 10
Subject: It was more than nothing
I was at Patrick and Andy's place for Christmas Eve. That girl can make tamales better than my grandmother, and it's sacrilege to even say that. My grandmother's probably going to climb out of her grave and haunt me now.
It's probably dangerous to ask this, but when is that ship heading to port? I need some motivation. A date on the calendar, a month, a moon phase, anything.
To: Nick Acevedo
From: Erin Walsh
Date: January 21
Subject: Confession
Hey, Dr. Hot Pants,
This ship is like a big old nerd carpool. We're always dropping people off, picking people up. If we could've gone straight to the research station, we'd be there by now. Once we arrive, I'm heading off the grid. I'm not going to have reliable internet access for a few weeks. I'm trying to get a first look at some samples from a new coring site, and it's really remote.
And here's my confession: I will miss you so damn much that I hate those words. They seem totally inadequate. I'm frustrated that I can't find anything better. I missed you when I left the Cape after Matt and Lauren's wedding. But now I want to tell you what I ate for lunch and how I didn't pack any matching socks and that I had a really strange dream about dolphins. I want to know what you ate for lunch, too, and I want to hear you talk about your surgeries, and the Adventures of Gastro Girl, and everything else you're doing. I want to share my good news or bad news with you, and tell you when I'm happy and sad, and tired and stressed, and all the feelings in between.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'd roast a chicken for you. At the very least, I'd get out of bed after sex and make you a sandwich.
I don't know when I'll be able to see you. I know I say that all the time, but I'm not avoiding you. I promise I'm going to make it soon. If it isn't winter, it will be spring—and before you ask, yes, spring in the Northern Hemisphere. I might have to commandeer this ship and sail it back to Iceland myself, but I'll do it.
To: Erin Walsh
From: Nick Acevedo
Date: January 21
Subject: Confession
I'll see your confession, and raise you mine: I don't remember how I lived before you.
I was thinking about our wedding when I was out running last night. The stars always remind me of you, and I remember how much I liked you that first night. I thought I knew you back then, but I knew nothing compared to these past few months.
To: Erin Walsh
From: Nick Acevedo
Date: January 26
Subject: Arrived at the station
It's good that we can agree on liking each other, such that we made poor old Bartlett marry us on the spot.
To: Erin Walsh
From: Nick Acevedo
Date: January 26
Subject: Arrived at the station
Come on. Bartlett enjoyed the fuck out of us. We brought a whole lot of amusement to another boring night of lobstering. That's your gift in life, Skip. You make the most ordinary things quite extraordinary.
Stay warm up there, Skip. When I get you back, I want to see all fingers and toes intact.
Here's my confession: I can't stop thinking about you.
Nick
To: Nick Acevedo
From: Erin Walsh
Date: January 26
Subject: Arrived at the station
Me neither. It's annoying.
*but not too annoying.