The home place had an eerie feel to it. One shutter was loose and banging against the side of the house, every time the wind gusted. The steps creaked as he walked up to the porch. He turned to look out at the prairie for a moment, dreading going inside. He knew he couldn't put it off any longer, he had to go in.
He hadn't seen his mother in ten years, and now to walk into the house and see her laying in a casket sent bile to his throat. Like sand-paper his eyes felt gritty, the sweat that trickled down and into the corner of his eyes and stung. His heart was heavy, tight, almost painful.
He wiped the sweat from his eyes, and turned to walk inside.
Right there in the parlor, he saw the casket. It lay on top the long table from the kitchen.
He almost backed out of the room it was so stark, so real, so heartbreakingly real. A lump formed in his throat and knotted.
He took his hat off and moved toward it with a sense of dread.
But the sweet angelic face that lay in sleep now sent a crushing blow to his chest. Her long beautiful brown hair was done in a bun in the back. Her dress was gray, and worn. However, the smile on her face was something he hadn't expected to see. "Mama," He cried out, as tears ran down his cheeks.
He could almost imagine her calling out to him, "Son, it's good to see you."
He touched her hand, it was so cold. He laid it down gently. Nothing seemed as it should be. The pain of not seeing her for all those years rose up like bile. He should have come back after the war, but the war had warped him for a while. He hadn't wanted to be around anyone.
"I'm sorry I was too late, Mama." Cord said, and walked away from the casket.
"I'm sorry for a lot of things, Mama. I missed you…more than I can say. But I guess now, you'll be at peace with Pa. And that's a good thing. You'll rest right beside him now, as it should be."
He glanced over at her and a tear fell down his cheek.
Just then, the screen door swung open and Lilly walked through the door.
At first all Cord could do was stare. She wore a beautiful purple dress with white gloves, and her hair, was gloriously draped over her shoulder in curls. She was a vision of beauty.
"Cord…" She barely uttered, he stared at her with such intensity, caressing her with his gaze. Her cheeks pinked, her breast rose fully against her dress, as she stood there taking him in.
Slowly, she moved toward him. Her eyes never left his. Walking boldly up to him, she threw her arms around him and touched her lips to his, standing on her tip-toes to reach him.
It was so unexpected, and so welcomed. The hardness of his lips melted quickly against the softness of hers. Her mouth parted in a soft moan, and his tongue took the liberty to dance with her own. The kiss intensified like kerosene to a match.
It was clear she only meant to deliver a quick warm kiss, but the intensity that quickly grew between them sent a shock wave of excitement through Cord. The warm welcome couldn't have come at a better time. He so needed her right now. Did she sense that?
As he pulled away, his eyes smoldered into hers.
"Welcome home, Cord." She whispered as she reached to kiss his jaw and pulled away to look at him.
When he didn't say anything, she gasped. "What are you looking at?"
They'd never really kissed before, at least not like this and it was mind boggling. He'd kissed his share of women before, but that kiss was not on the same level. "I'm looking at you…Lilly. I sure wasn't expecting such a warm greeting!" He smiled, still holding her at arms distance.
"Someone has to welcome you home…" She whispered huskily, staring into his blue sparkling eyes.
"You're prettier than a sunset. Prettier than I ever remembered. My God, you are so much woman…When I left you were just a skinny little thing. But you've sure blossomed." He barely managed to get the words out, he was so overcome with emotions. "I can't quite get over it."
Her hand reached to caress his cheek. "I've missed you Cord." And she let out a sweet laugh.
For no reason at all, he pulled her back into his arms and kissed her again. The feel of her warm lips on his, made him want to hold her there forever. It had been forever since anyone had welcomed him—anywhere, and especially like that. She couldn't possibly know how much it meant to him.
When they finally came up for air, she backed away with a puzzled look, "What was that all about?" She tried to get her breath, putting her hand on her breast.
"That was a thank you, for the welcome…" He smiled.
Swallowing hard, Lilly turned her attention to the casket. She looked at his mother, then him.
He watched her expression change, her hands shake a little, and a tear slid down the side of her cheek.
"She looks pretty doesn't she?" Lilly finally said moments later when she could control her breathing better.
"And almost happy…" Cord said huskily.
"She was happy. I'm not sure why, but she was. I can tell you that much. I used to come out here and talk to her every now and then. Your Ma was a good listener. I think she grew to like me through the years. She knew what I was, but it didn't seem to matter. I never met anyone like her in my life." Lilly said breathlessly. "She didn't approve of my line of work, but she never said a word about it. She was too much a lady to say anything about it. And she befriended me, just like you."
"Thanks for coming out to see her. The way Doc talked, no one else did." Cord said quietly.
"Old Mrs. Pettigrew came too. That is until she died. We both came out."
"Mrs. Pettigrew is dead?"
"Yeah, last year."
"I asked Doc who sent me the letter." Cord glanced at her again. "He didn't know."
"I did." She admitted, and looked away once more.
"How did you find me?" His brows knitted.
"Your Ma said you were either in Ft. Worth or Waco most of the time. Said I could reach you from the Sheriff's office. So I sent letters to both. Glad you got the letter. I was worried it might not reach you in time for the funeral." Lilly smiled down at his mother.
"Thanks Lilly." He stared at her once more, marveling at the beauty of her. Something inside him wanted to reach out to her. Lilly was a good person, perhaps the best in Doubtful. He'd known her a long time, but that kiss had thrown him. He'd never kissed her, even though the thought had occurred to him a few times. But growing up they had been best friends. He never wanted to lose that. But that kiss put them at a crossroad, and he knew she knew it.
He'd liked Lilly as a kid, but now…
"I did her hair…do you like it?" Lilly asked looking up at him once more. "It's the way she usually wore it. Said it was too hot to wear down."
"It looks fine, just fine." Cord answered.
"Well, I guess I should go…I guess I'll see you tomorrow, huh?" Lilly asked.
"Do you have to go?" He looked up at her and came to stand in front of her once more. "I'd like to visit with you and tomorrow won't be a good day for visiting."
She drew breath and put her hand on her chest, "Alright…I'll stay a while…"
She took her gloves off and walked around the room.
"So…Tell me, how are you doing? What have you been doing?" He asked watching her every move.
She hesitated. "Fine, Cord, just fine."
"You still working for Sam Donaldson?" Cord asked his eyes narrowing on her.
"Uh…no. Sam got married and moved off. Married an Eastern lady from Boston who came in on the stage one day. One of them mail order brides I think."
"Who owns the saloon now?"
"I do!" She answered.
"You?" Cord nearly laughed until he realized she was telling the truth.
"You don't mean it. How could you afford to buy Sam out?" Cord asked with disbelief.
"Sam owed me…so I got the saloon for nearly nothing." Her voice lowered, and she looked away.
He pulled her chin around and saw the tear that ran down her cheek. "Owed you? Sit down, Lilly and tell me about it."
"There's nothing to tell." She started to leave, her hand was on the door knob but he came up to her and put his hand over hers.
"Please…" He encouraged. "I'd like to know. I'd like to talk to someone, it's been a long time since I had a meaningful conversation with anyone. And you know you can trust me. I'd like to think we're still good friends."
Lilly obliged, by taking a seat on the settee. "You know how Sam was…"
"Yes, I know." Cord's brows met and he frowned.
"A stranger came to town one day, and he was nice to me. We spent the entire day buying drinks, and talking. Naturally it wore on Sam's nerves. Even though he was a paying customer, it really irked Sam."
Cord studied her expression closely. "Go on."
"Sam didn't like it."
"Yeah, I remember how possessive he was of you. Did he hurt you?"
Lilly looked away. "Hurt me?" She turned sad eyes on him now. "Cord… He raped me."
"What?" Cord stood up and paced the room and then stared down at her, he raised her face to look at him with one gentle finger. "Why? He controlled you, wasn't that enough?"
"He'd been hinting at it for years. I thought it was a bluff. He'd never touched me before. I didn't realize what he intended until it was too late. He threw me up against the wall, I fell, and then later I blacked out. Then he…raped me."
"My God, Lilly…I wish I'd been here for you."
"After you left, Sam got very possessive of me. I didn't go down the hall with men, like the others did. And it certainly wasn't because Sam respected my age at the time either. I never understood why until that day. He said I was his, and always had been."
She shrugged, a tear in the corner of her eye. "It was a couple of years after you left, I was seventeen then. It was the first time he'd ever touched me, but it was the last too. I wasn't expecting him to do that. I had blacked out, but when he started…. I fought so hard, he had to knock me out. I scratched his face pretty bad before I blacked out again. When I came to, I hit him with a full bottle of whiskey over the head, nearly killed him. He never touched me again. But…" Now tears were in her eyes and she looked away from him again.
"But what?"
"It was enough. I was with child." Lilly pulled the tissue from her small bag and wiped her eyes.
"With child. You mean…you had his baby?"
"Yeah…I had his baby." Lilly admitted turning her sad eyes to him. "It's probably the only good thing that Sam ever did. Naturally, at the time the town shunned me, blaming me. They didn't know what had happened, and probably wouldn't have believed it anyway. They didn't know it was Sam's baby. They thought I whored just like the others. I never told a soul…until now who the father was. Of course some speculated that it could have been his."
"The son-of-a-gun wouldn't marry you?" Cord found himself more than a little angry. He paced the room like a bobcat.
"No," she looked at him as though he should know better. "I wouldn't marry him. He didn't have any more to do with me until he found his lady, then he pulled me aside, told me he was leaving for good, and that he'd sell me the place, I could make payments on it, it would support me and the baby."
Cord's mouth hung open with surprise. "My God, Lilly. He thought that would wash his hands clean?"
"I'm not telling you this because I want your pity, Cord. I don't want anyone's pity. I make a decent living. Charlie is nearly eight now…He's the love of my life."
"Charlie?"
"Yeah, that's what I named him." Lilly said quietly.
"That was my father's name." He eyed her.
"I know." She didn't look at him while she said it.
"I'm glad you told me about it. I only wish I had been here. Why didn't you write me, and let me know? I'd have come, Lilly. You know I would have."
"You couldn't have done anything either." Lilly protested.
"I could have been here for you." He countered. "I'd have married you Lilly."
"And that's so like you Cord," she smiled up at him. "Wanting to save any and everyone." Lilly's head jerked up, and a look of surprise stared at him. She reached for his hand.
" Until you left, you were here for me. I appreciated that. You were the best friend I ever had, Cord. And obviously from my stunning admission, you still are. The only reason anyone in this lousy town called you wild was because I hung around you all the time. I didn't have any better sense."
Cord wrestled with her words. Friends? After that kiss he wasn't sure he considered her just a friend. He couldn't put a name to it yet. Or maybe he was afraid to. He'd never really had a special girl of his own. He'd had women, but they weren't the kind a man would marry.
She looked down now. "So tell me, what have you been doing?" She asked curiously.
He stared at her now. "I joined the confederacy when I left here. It was a bloody war, Lilly. I joined late, but it was in time for a few big skirmishes and enough to make me sick of war. And when it was all over, I felt so out of place, so lost. I'd seen so much death, so much needless dying. I figured Ma was better off alone than with me. It messed me up a little. I don't know what I was thinking when I joined. But killing didn't come easy. I don't know why God saved me and let those other kids die. But I'll never forget it, Lilly. Never! There were so many days I had wished I had died. Our shoes and boots gave out, we went barefoot a lot, and we walked for miles, Lilly. In the winter we nearly froze. The south didn't have the fancy uniforms like the north. At least not enough for the regular enlisted men."
She stood up and went to his mother once more staring at her.
"She missed you every day you were gone. The town was very cruel to her. It took a while for them to get over losing Dubs. At least until his sons started coming to town once a month and doing everything but burning it down. Then people started looking at them differently. For years they pitied those boys, being orphaned. And…they blamed you. But they grew up mean. Meaner than Dubs himself. That's when the town started rethinking Dubs and his sons. It took years for this town to see what Dubs had done to them. And now they live with the shame of it, and hide their faces from strangers.
"If that's so, why didn't they look at me when I rode in?"
"They were too ashamed. It took them years to admit they'd been blind, it will take another few years to admit they were wrong and go on with their lives."
"The people in the streets wouldn't even look at me. They still blame me for his death…"
"No…no they don't. They just feel guilty now. Guilty that they blamed you, and that they were wrong about Dubs."
"Did the Dubs boys ever bother you?" Cord asked.
"No, I'm trash according to them. The good women won't talk to me because I had a child out of wedlock. But they fear me. A lot of people fear me. I pulled a gun on the Dubs boys. And every time they tried, I'd remind them that I was trash. It kept me safe, calling myself trash. After all, I was an unwed mother…in a town of righteous people."
Cord hung his head. "Where's the kid now?"
"In school. I gotta be getting back soon. I just wanted you to know that some of us are glad you are home. I say some, because the ones that feel so guilty are having a hard time facing it."
"It doesn't matter; I probably won't be here long." Cord told her.
Her head shot up and the tear escaped down her cheek.
God, she's beautiful. But surely she didn't care whether he stayed or left. Did she?
"You look good Cord." She smiled. "You grew up to be the man I knew you would. I wish you'd stay, but with the Dubs boys here, maybe it is best you leave. Less trouble that way."
"You look good too Lilly. Really good!" His eyes met hers. "Bring Charlie to the funeral tomorrow. I'd like to meet him."
"Sure…" She got to her feet and headed for the door once more. "You know, your mother loved Charlie. Said he reminded her of you."
"I'd really like to meet him Lilly…. And thanks…" Cord whispered right behind her.
She whirled about and almost fell into his arms again he was so close. "For what?" She asked breathlessly.
"For the welcome…" He smiled sexily at her.
A slow, sad smile broke across her face, and it was like letting the sunshine in the dreary room. "See you tomorrow…"
He couldn't remember ever being effected by a woman's smile before. Some of the cold in Cord's heart began to melt. And a simple smile from Lilly melted it.
He nodded silently, unable to voice his feelings at the moment.