Moira had accompanied Tullen on the drive back to Belfast. They had made love in a field at the top of the Glenshane Pass. As he held her close she sensed a tension in her man. The unavoidable had arrived. She owed him an explanation and the time had come to deliver. Hopelessly she waited, praying for her lover to speak but his silence was like a rock pressing on her soul. ‘Connor darlin I had te go,’ she began. As Tullen turned to face her she held her fingers to his lips. ‘Please don’t speak until I have said what I have to say. I have loved ye from the first day that we met. Ye stole me heart when ye were hoppin around like a scalded cat. Remember, after I kicked ye?’ Connor nodded smiling. Dreading what he might hear, he tried to speak.
He wanted to assure her that his forgiveness was unconditional. The past was over. It would not have mattered if she had been the cause of the great famine but again she silenced him. ‘Shush my love. This is hard for me and I want it out of the way today. I don’t want us ever te speak of it again. Tullen squeezed her hand assuring her of his fullest attention. ‘I left because I was afraid. There was so much I wanted te do with me life. My love for ye was a threat to my ambitions. I knew that if I told ye face to face, me resolve would weaken. Our life together would have become unbearable and I did not want te go through it blamin ye for holdin me back.’ Connor rankled at the suggestion but she ignored his protests and forged on. ‘Ye must understand Con, all my life was spent under pressure. From as far back as I could remember I was taught te distrust, even hate, people that I had never met. I was confused with the bigotry and violence. I felt deep down, what they were telling me just wasn’t true. Oh for sure there are evil people amongst the Protestants but we have as many on our side as well. Do ye hear what I am sayin Con? I could count on one hand the number of them that I ever came into contact with and do ye know something, not one of them harmed or even threatened to harm me. In fact a couple gave me assistance when I needed it. Do ye see where the confusion was comin from? On the one hand I was bein bombarded with the same auld war cry about how they hate us all. How they want te cow us down and treat us second class. Ireland for the Irish, day in and day out. Aye and readin in the papers about some poor soul gettin killed or maimed. Or someone bein burned out of their home just because they happened to have been born in the wrong bed. Deep down that’s all it amounts to, a quirk of fate. I hate it Con, I hate the death and destruction. I despise the bastards in the paramilitary organisations. That is why I left Con. To see a place where people wake up in the morning without worryin about what religion the person standing next to them in a bus queue is. I could not foresee a future for you and I, bringing up children in such a terrible atmosphere. They would grow up in the same quagmire with the same prejudices. If that happened I would never forgive meself or you either Con. I would have grown te hate ye, probably blamin ye for my own inadequacies. I loved ye then Con and God knows I never stopped lovin ye but I must ask ye. Are ye involved in the madness? Because I could not bear to read about ye lyin in some gutter or rottin away in prison. If ye are caught up in it, I don’t want to hear about it but I beg of ye to give it up and if ye can’t, then walk away from me forever. Please don’t ask me to compromise my principals. With all my heart I pray that ye are not involved but for today I do not want to know. Hold me love. Let me feel your arms around me, keeping me safe for today at least. Tomorrow call me, I don’t care if ye lie te me, just tell me that ye were never in it and I shall believe ye. Only then can we think of building a future together.’ He held her tightly, his face a mask of compassion. Setting off from Derry that morning he felt that his life was finally falling into place, that it had a purpose. Moira was home and by the way she had given herself to him he was certain of her love for him. Within hours she had presented him with a paradox, he was torn between two loves. Erin was a demand-
ing mistress playing second fiddle to no one or no thing. He was overcome with a terrible dread. Worry gnawed and churned in his stomach. She was asking him to forsake everything that he believed in, an impossibility. Yet the risk of losing her was beyond comprehension. Perhaps he could explain that they would never be happy existing in an oppressed society. That for them to have peace of mind, Ireland must be free but her words came flooding back. The contempt she held for the IRA. was unshakeable. One way or another he had to make a choice. To be with the woman he loved would mean leaving his beloved country. To remain a member of the organisation meant losing her forever and committing emotional suicide by confining himself to a living hell. There was no contest, he could not bear to lose her again.
They drove on in silence each contemplating what the morrow would unfold. She had arranged to stay with a friend and as he pulled to the kerb, pecked him on the cheek before hurrying from the car. He caught her before she reached the door. ‘I don’t want ye to come in darlin,’ she whispered, brushing her lips across his cheek. Slowly Moira raised his hands to her lips. She looked into his eyes as if searching his soul, then after placing a note in his hand she tenderly kissed his mouth. ‘It’s the number for here Con. Make your decision and call me in the mornin. I pray to God that is the right one for I couldn’t bear te lose ye again.’ Without giving him a chance to reply she turned and was gone. His stomach churned as he drove home to his uninvitingly empty flat. Tullen the man in control was once again ensnared in the net that was Moira Lavery but this time there was a difference, she had placed him at a fork in the road and allowed a mere twenty four hours to decide their destiny.