Worry seemed to be her constant companion lately, nibbling at her resolve, threatening to eradicate her source of happiness. Why was Connor being so secretive? Despite his protests to the contrary Moira was sure that her lover was a member of an illegal movement. Still her heart told her to give him the benefit of the doubt. She prowled to and fro like an enraged tigress whose cubs where in peril. ‘One thirty,’ she hissed. ‘What can he be doing that keeps him out to this hour?’ Her temper was simmering, now in a cauldron of aggression which was close to detonation, ‘Where the fuckin hell is he?’ she screamed, unable to hold her emotions in check for one second longer. ‘God but I hate this fuckin country. If that bastard is lyin to me, I’ll be out of here quicker than Ben Johnson on speed.’ Suddenly she stopped pacing as his smiling countenance peeked up at her from the confines of it’s cheap frame. Her anger dissipated as she raised the image to her lips. Who was she kidding? She knew that wild horses could never again drag her from his side. ‘For all his sins I love him. Holy mother please protect him. Show him the error of his ways.’ A single tear trickled down her cheek to spatter silently on the face of her man. The sound of the key turning in the lock startled her causing her to spin abruptly around. She was temporarily unbalanced and as she reached out to steady herself the picture slipped from her grasp. Connor rushed into the room alarmed by the sound of breaking glass. The scene before him both frightened and confused him. Moira was on her knees staring at the result of her accident. She was weeping but made no attempt to pick up the broken picture. ‘What is it my love? What’s wrong?’ he whispered, afraid to hear the reply.
‘The matter,’ she screeched, ‘The fuckin matter. Where have ye been? What’s so important that makes ye forget we had a date. I have sat here for five fuckin hours, no that’s a lie I have paced the floor for five hours. Ye didn’t even have the decency to call, do I mean so little to ye? What’s yer game Con? Yer mixed up in the bombin and murders aren’t ye, admit it. Up to yer eye teeth.’ The frustration was spilling from her in a torrent, unable to control her anger she continued hardly taking time to catch a breath. She had started to say it and she would not stop until she had completed airing her worst fear. ‘Oh yes yer a big man Con, one of the boys. Well be a man and tell me the fuckin truth.’ Con had witnessed her outbursts before and often borne the brunt of her temper but this was different. Much worse than he had ever experienced and he was deeply concerned. Rushing to her, he gathered her into his arms. He could not bear to see the hurt in her fiery eyes. As if her life was threatened she fought to free herself from his grip but the more she struggled the stronger was his resolve. Tullen was concerned, afraid that if he released her now he would lose her once more but this time their parting would be permanent. His caress was irresistible, slowly her sobbing abated all resistance gone, with a sigh she melted into his arms. ‘Hush now darlin, this is not like ye, please tell me what’s wrong.’ His voice was soft, his words soothing and his tenderness dissolved all the anger from her heart. ‘I love ye so much ye rotten bastard, that’s what’s wrong. The fear of losing ye is eating at me like a cancer. I’m afraid of what I’ll become if I remain here in this cesspool. Te tolerate the knowledge that ye’re responsible for someone’s death would be to betray everything that I have ever believed in. Can’t ye understand that Con? Tonight ye are goin te tell me the truth or by God I am gonna walk out that door forever.’ He knew she meant every word so with a sigh he steeled himself, resolved to furnish the answers that he was aware could instigate their parting. ‘Okay I’ll tell ye,’ he conceded solemnly. An all-consuming feeling of despair took hold as he began to conjure up his past. He was aware that what he was about to reveal could doom their relationship but was equally sure, that if he lied, their life together would be insufferable. So having weighed the consequences thoroughly he commenced with his story. Moira sat, hands folded in her lap, waiting to hear what in her heart she already knew. Tullen felt his heart would burst so great was it pounding but her childlike eyes stared into his face seeking an answer.
‘God this is so difficult. To explain my reasons for lying would seem that I am trying te wheedle out of, or justify my crimes. So I am not even gonna try. I lied, as I’m sure ye know. I am a member of the Irish Republican Army.’ He could sense her anger fighting to take control again. ‘Before I begin I want ye te promise me somethin.’
‘What is it?’ she spat.
‘Promise me that ye won’t say a word until I have finished.’ It was not a command; he was pleading with her to give him a fair hearing. She nodded compliance. Looking into his eyes and realising that she could refuse him nothing. ‘I want ye to say it Moira. Ye won’t like what I have te tell ye but ye must promise to at least listen te what I have te say.’ She stared at him for a long moment before saying, ‘I promise darlin, I owe ye that much.’
‘Well here goes. As I said, I am a volunteer and have bin for many years.’ He went on to tell her of the acts of violence that he had committed, omitting nothing, his heart constricting with each look of disgust that clouded his beloved’s face. Silently she listened to a catalogue of horror which before that night would have been beyond her comprehension. Woodenly she vacated her seat and Tullen watched dejectedly as she went through the motions of finding her coat. Realising that she was about to desert him, anger boiled within him. This time it was he who could not contain his emotions.
‘No God damn it,’ he snarled. ‘Ye promised to hear me out and by all that’s holy ye are goin to.’
‘All that’s holy,’ she repeated her words hardly audible. ‘All that’s holy,’ she said again, ‘How dare ye use religion in the same breath? Ye’re a self-confessed murderer and by tellin me yer sordid secrets ye’ve committed another, for as sure as the Lord looks down on us, ye’ve destroyed me as well. God help me Con, I worship ye but how can I live with ye, knowin the crimes that ye’ve committed?’
‘Please darlin,’ he begged, ‘listen te me. Don’t leave me again, I couldn’t bare it. I will do anything ye ask of me but I swear, if ye walk out the door I’m as good as dead. My miserable life has no purpose without ye Moira. I know now that what I have done in the past was wrong but only you can help me carry the burden of guilt.’
‘Holy mother, what are we te do Connor? How can it end, I’m not stupid enough to believe that ye can just walk in and calmly say, I resign.’
‘I know pet but I promise that my killin days are at an end. I swear it on our love for that is the only thing that is precious te me now.’
‘What will ye tell them Con? How can ye break away from their clutches? Or is the auld cliché, once in, a load of bull,’ she asked tiredly.
‘There is a way Moira but it will not be easy and it may take a while. Ye have te trust me. After we made love on the mountain, I swore that my destiny lay in your hands. I have a plan that will get me out. Ye promised that ye would let me finish what I had te say.’ She nodded avidly listening to his plea.
‘I will never take another human life, I swear it but there is some unfinished business that I must attend to.’
‘God save us, there’s more. I thought that I had heard all the horror stories a person could swallow in one day. Shows ye how much I know,’ she scoffed.
‘Did ye read about the murder of a Protestant family by the name of Blackmore?
‘Jesus no Connor, not that,’ she mouthed, recoiling in disgust.
‘Wait Moira listen, ye don’t understand. It had nothin te do we us, surly ye don’t think me capable of the likes of that?’ She shook her head in relief. Obviously ye read that the husband was a loyalist paramilitary and the attack was some sort of reprisal,’ he spat. ‘Those Brit papers don’t care what they print so long as they keep the circulation up.’
‘Oh so it’s all a pack of lies then,’ she scowled, with heavy sarcasm.
‘Be quiet and listen would ye,’ he snapped in frustration. Moira sat slowly down, shocked by his tone. ‘Thank-you, The IRA had nothin te do with those murders, ye have te believe me darlin. Jesus if word that we were up te nonsense like that ever got out we would be destroyed, can’t ye understand that much. It is true children have died in the past but always by accident Moira. I could never condone the murder of innocents, what do ye take me for?’
‘Of course not, I’m so sorry Con, this whole revelation has got me brain in knots. I’m just not thinkin straight. And as for understandin I really don’t think I have it in me te deal with the horrors of Ireland.’
‘Forgive me for shouting love but I had to put ye straight or we would never stand a chance of a normal life together.’
‘Ha, normal life, don’t make me laugh,’ she scoffed.
‘What I’m tryin te say is that if ye go on believin that I or my comrades are capable of committin an atrocity such as last week’s, then there is no basis for a future together anyway. Ye must let me know right away, with no qualms or misgivin’s. Do ye trust me or not Moira?’ he was staring into her green eyes and beyond, to the very centre of her soul.
‘Oh darlin, I believe ye and God help me I must stand by ye,’ she answered taking his hand.
‘Bless ye sweetheart, I know what agony your goin through but te have yer trust fills me with hope and I know as long as ye stand by me, we can make it through this nightmare. Bear with me for a while longer and let me finish what I have te say,’ he pleaded. ‘What I was tryin te tell ye earlier is that I’ve bin given the job of findin the maniac who committed those horrible murders.’
‘What,’ she gasped. ‘Why you, how would ye know where te start lookin for a madman like him?’ she gasped, astounded by his most recent revelation.
‘They seem to think that I can catch him,’ he replied modestly.
‘The whole thing is too bizarre. Are ye tellin me that yer some kind of IRA policeman? That ye are one of the people who decide who lives or dies? She was screaming again, almost in hysterics.
‘No Moira, the men at the very top make those decisions. I am only a volunteer; I just do as I’m ordered. Please Love, try te understand, we must get this person before he kills again. After he has bin apprehended and dealt with, you and I can leave. For the love of God, don’t go now. Not when I need ye the most. I am so afraid darlin, I wont be able te think straight if I lose ye and I need me wits about me te catch this bastard.’ He was baring his soul to her, she watched as his eyes misted and realised at that moment that she could never leave him. Slowly she rose and taking his cheeks between her hands she tenderly kissed his moist eyes. Her thumbs traced a path beneath them collecting the liquid that had spilled onto his cheeks. ‘Oh me sweet darlin, what are we te do? What terrible crime has Ulster committed that the lord should forsake us?’ They held unto each other tightly as if to let go would be to watch the other dragged away by an unforgiving sea of regrets. Gaining strength from the sharing of an unselfish love. Each with a yearning only the other could satisfy.