Denial: The Enemy of the Addict
As a therapist, I’ve seen people who are so smashed to pieces that they literally have to be carried into a rehab centre. Their addiction has led them to the point where they’re so broken, both emotionally and physically, that they can no longer function as human beings. In some cases, they’ve lost the will to live, and are incapable of holding a lucid conversation without turning into a jabbering wreck.
These addicts look tired and exhausted, and are often very dishevelled. They might reek of booze or vomit and shake uncontrollably. Of course, not all patients arrive in this kind of state, but those who do will require medication to help stabilize them.
You might think that someone who reaches this point would have no choice but to admit to themselves that they’re an addict. Yet within a few days of being in the centre, something very strange can happen. As soon as they start to feel a little better they begin to wonder why they were admitted. If they’re lucky, after a few days of treatment, and lots of rest and healthy food, the shakes subside and the sick feeling in the pit of their stomach begins to relax.
The next thing I might hear them say is that they no longer need to be there. They feel that they just had a few too many, and all they needed was a short break to get them back on the right track. In fact, the opposite is true – they’re still in the grip of a very serious problem. Yet they genuinely believe that they don’t have an issue with addiction, and they’re keen to go back to the outside world.
This phenomenon is very puzzling, and it’s called ‘denial’. Denial is something that affects all addicts, particularly in the early stages of their using. An addict not only denies to others that they have a problem, but they truly believe that they’re fine. It’s a very complex psychological condition and one that can be very hard to break down.
In rehab circles we have an acronym which sums up the situation very well: DENIAL = Don’t Even Know I Am Lying. This is very accurate because at the very heart of denial lies self-delusion.
I’ve known many people who openly admit that they drink a bottle of vodka every day, yet they fervently deny they have a drinking problem. ‘It’s okay,’ they say, ‘I just enjoy drinking a lot.’ Their lives and their relationships may be disintegrating all around them due to booze, yet they simply cannot see it.
When I managed a pub, I had one regular who would drink 12 pints of beer every night. He’d then go home and fall into a stupor before getting up at 6 a.m. the next day and going to work. He’d then repeat the whole sequence the next evening.
For an alcoholic, giving up booze simply doesn’t seem like an option. They can’t cope with the idea. Booze is life itself, and they refuse to even contemplate any form of existence without it. Yet they don’t believe they’re addicted and they’ll swear blind that they could quit at any time, should they so choose.
The point is, they don’t want to give up. When I meet people like this I give them a simple challenge. I tell them that if they’re so sure they can give up, why don’t they prove it by doing six months on the wagon without any help. If they can achieve that, then fine, I wish them every piece of luck for the future. But if they can’t do it alone, perhaps they need to finally face up to the fact that they have a serious problem.
Denial is an integral part of all forms of addiction, and alcoholics aren’t the only ones affected by it. Anorexics are often among those who display the strongest manifestations of denial. As I said earlier, they can look in the mirror and see a skeleton staring back at them, yet they can delude themselves that they still look fat. Whatever the using process that drives the addiction, it’s usually strongest in the early stages.
Nobody knowingly chooses to behave in a way that’ll result in a serious addiction, so denial is the passport that allows them to continue to drink, smoke, take drugs, run up debts or starve themselves without ever having to face up to the consequences.
Of course, all addicts are capable of telling routine lies as a way of hiding their use of substances. The boozer who says he’s dry but who hides miniature bottles of vodka around the house isn’t just a stereotype – his is a real and common behaviour among problem drinkers. But this is still plain old lying. Denial goes much deeper – it’s when you actually believe that you don’t have a problem, when in fact it’s blatantly obvious that you do. It defies logic and it can be very baffling to others.
The reason why denial can become so ingrained in some addicts is because it’s the coping mechanism that allows their using behaviour to continue unabated. The urge to drink or take drugs is so strong that the addict cannot afford to allow anything to get in the way of that. To admit to yourself that you have a problem means laying yourself open to the suggestion you should give up.
But abstinence – whether it’s from booze, sex, food, or whatever – is the thing above all else that the addict wants to avoid. The feelings and emotions that are generated by their limbic system are as powerful as life and death, so they’ll do anything to medicate them away.
Addiction creates consequences that are painful and troublesome, but since giving up isn’t an option, the addict simply refuses to accept that they have a problem.
Most problem drinkers, or people with other addictive issues, will have a whole raft of excuses that they use to justify their behaviour in their own minds. Typically, I hear them say things like: ‘I’m not an alcoholic, because I don’t drink in the morning.’ Unfortunately, you can still be a raging alcoholic while avoiding booze for breakfast.
The excuses that addicts make to themselves are said in earnest, because nobody really wants to believe that they can’t handle normal life. People who’ve experienced problems in their childhood can be in denial about the role of their parents. The reason this happens is because the alternative – that their parents were less than perfect – is too painful for them to contemplate.
The same mental process is at work in their addiction because the idea of giving up and having to deal with all those negative emotions that life throws at us is also far too painful to think about. Instead, denial operates at a subconscious level, whereby the person is convinced that they don’t have a problem.
Here are some of the things that alcoholics regularly say to me when they’re trying to prove they can handle their booze:
Actually, none of these statements preclude you from being an addict, even if some of them may be true. Most alcoholics are convinced that the whole world drinks. They’re probably aware on some level that they get a bit drunker than most, but the idea that booze doesn’t play as central a role in most people’s lives as it does in their own can come as a real shock to them.
I know lots of recovering alcoholics who, when they first go back into social situations, are amazed to see that not everyone is falling about drunk. They’ve simply assumed that everyone else drinks until they’re hammered at the end of the night – the idea of just having one or two drinks seems rather ridiculous to them. Unfortunately, no addict will ever go into recovery until this denial is broken down, which can be a long process.
Here’s the sort of conversation I regularly have with a heavy drinker. Let’s call the person I’m talking to ‘George’. He’s sitting in front of me with a nose that’s glowing a brighter red than the warning light on top of the air traffic control tower at Heathrow Airport, yet he insists he’s a paragon of good health.
Me: ‘So, how often do you drink?’
George: ‘I only drink at weekends. I have a couple of whiskies at home on a Saturday night. It doesn’t do me any harm, and I never get drunk.’
Me: ‘I see. So is it always two whiskies?’
George: ‘Normally just one or two.’
Me: ‘Just one or two, never more?’
George: ‘It might sometimes be three or four… it depends.’
Me: ‘It depends on what?’
George: ‘On what sort of mood I’m in, and who I’m with.’
Me: ‘Okay, so these three or four whiskies, do you stop drinking after them?’
George: ‘Sometimes… it depends. I might finish the bottle if I’m relaxing.’
Me: ‘Is this a full-size bottle or a half bottle?’
George: ‘It depends…’
(At this point George is starting to become a bit more defensive, so I might change tack and ask him what his wife thinks about his drinking.) The conversation might go round in circles over the course of many different discussions, until eventually it emerges that George is polishing off an enormous amount of Scotch on a daily basis. What he began by describing as one or two drinks on a Saturday night is actually a bottle a day, with sometimes more on top.
The interesting thing about George is that he’ll have convinced himself that he was more or less telling the truth at the start of the conversation. What he’s really trying to hide is the fact that he’s powerless over what happens whenever he takes a drink. It could result in him going on a wild binge, or it might not.
Men like George have no control over what happens when they get drunk. They might be in trouble with the police, yet they’ll still insist that everything is fine. Blatant denial is very typical of the way a lot of addicts behave, and it operates at a level that’s entirely subconscious.
Occasionally, they may have a lucid moment – normally when they’re suffering a horrendous hangover after doing something they’re ashamed of – but denial comes back into play as soon as they start to feel better. A few days later, they’re back to their old tricks, pouring booze down their throats like there’s no tomorrow. They just can’t help themselves. (Interestingly, an addict’s family members can also be in denial about the scale of the problem their loved one is going through.)
In Part One we saw that addicts have no control over their addictive behaviour, and that this lack of control is the central thing they’re in denial about.
Denial is the mechanism that addicts use to avoid facing up to the fact that they’re powerless. The only thing that gets addicts into recovery is when the consequences of their addiction become unbearable.
Only when the consequences of addiction become too painful to ignore will an addict finally face up to this powerlessness. Even then, they may not accept the full scale of their problem. Many people have come to me seeking help for cocaine or sex addiction when their lives start to implode, but they refuse to accept that their addiction can also manifest itself through other means, such as alcohol.
The fact that heavy booze abuse is nearly always a precursor to cocaine abuse, or excessive sexual behaviour, simply never crosses their mind. Heroin addicts are similar in that, even when they face up to the fact that they have a problem with the drug, they refuse to accept that they almost certainly also have an alcohol problem.
This is because most addicts tend to think of themselves as being addicted to a single substance, whereas in fact, as an addict, they’re likely to be susceptible to a whole spectrum of different temptations. Their problem is that they have an addictive nature. This is a condition that puts them at risk from many different forms of substance abuse or compulsive behaviour.
When a person hits rock bottom they finally experience a moment of clarity about the fact that they are an addict. They may still be in denial about the scale or exact nature of their issues, but if they can acknowledge that they’re powerless over their condition it’s a vital leap onto the road to recovery. This is a principle that lies at the core of the various ‘12-Step programmes’ used by most self-help groups and private rehab centres to tackle addiction. Only when we admit to ourselves that we have no control over our addictions can we start to conquer our demons… and this involves hitting rock bottom.