to riches!” Dendup jumps off his horse and slings the lead around the nearest tree. Throwing his hands in the air, he’s off to the lake and her smooth, silken shore.
We’ve made it to Nam Tso and the holy lake is everything my grandmother told me it would be. Set between the towering peaks of the sacred Nyenchen Tanglha mountains and the bountiful grasslands of the Changtang, she’s an alluring gem, a mesmerizing jewel, drawing me in with her miraculous shade of deep, rich turquoise.
In all her splendor, it’s not the mysterious blue hue that entices Dendup to speed off like a madman to her shoreline, though. It’s the two massive standing stones beside the water—the famed Yilbin stone measuring many men high—that have captured his imagination.
“Dendup’s quick today.” I pull my eyes from the captivating blue hue to the two buff sarsens covered with a myriad of colorful prayer flags. Dendup’s already on his knees, prostrating himself in front of the stone pillars, imploring them to bestow him with wealth and success in the trade he intends to do on our way.
“The closer to Lhasa…” Karma shakes his head and ties our horses. “Come on, little one.” He swings little sister on his hip and takes my hand at the same time. “Let’s ask the door-god for good fortune.”
Together, we stride to the lake to join Dendup in his prayer for prosperity.
With the sun already at her highest point, the clear azure dazzles like a brilliant solitaire between her green and blue surroundings. I squint and pull my hat to shield my eyes from the intense sparkle.
“She is gorgeous, isn’t she?” Karma scouts over the lake, seemingly unaffected by her powerful glare.
I nod. With several secluded islands dotted across the mysterious surface, Nam Tso is the perfect sanctuary for the practice of meditation. It’s no wonder many monks—and some nuns—travel across the winter ice to spend the entire summer in mediation here, only able to get back to the shore again when the first ice of winter freezes the shallow again.
“Sorry we won’t be able to circle her all today.” Karma points to the west, where a rocky trail starts round the gritty coastline. “We’ll do the shorter kora, along with the sun. You’re good with that?” He turns to Dendup, who has retreated to the sheltering pines in the company of our horses.
“You youngsters go and make some merit.” Dendup waves his hand and leans against the tree. “When you’re back, you can make me some tea.” A little chuckle slips from my lips as I see the content cheer on his face. Apparently, the wish granting ritual for fortune was all he had in mind for today.
With little sister hopscotching along, we join the humming stream of pilgrims, circling the lakeshore with its piles of ancient mani stones and sun-bleached skulls of yaks.
“We’ll come back and spend a few days here,” Karma says, as he sees my longing look towards the craggy caves settled deep in the nearby cliff face.
The very sight of these caverns surges a profound sense of awe through my being. Om mani. It’s here that the Buddha himself and Padmasambhava, the second buddha, meditated so many centuries ago.
“Let’s sit for a moment.” He pulls me next to him on a big bolder to relish the view of the hallowed caverns. With the soft click of my prayer beads resounding the silence, my body settles against his, and my mind relaxes into quiet gratitude. So many blessings on this journey.
“Soon we’ll reach Lhasa.” I hear my voice drift from afar. “I can’t believe how fortunate I am to witness the most holy Jowo Shakyamuni Buddha statue.”
My mind stirs. What did I just say? Lhasa. My fingers clasp my beads tighter as my mind drifts ahead.
“Don’t, love.” As if he senses my sudden uneasiness, Karma’s fingers draw around my neck. “Don’t go there.”
I sigh. He knows. Somehow, he knows.
“I suppose I can’t talk you out of it, then?” My words are steady but my mind wavers. I can try.
“You can’t.” He tosses me a hasty reply. “The family has decided.” His body hardens as the muscles in his arm ripple under the crinkled cotton of his sleeves. “We’ve already let it go once; we can’t do that again.” His voice lowers.
“We?” My hands on the boulder, I raise myself. “They can’t do that again, you mean.” My voice pitches. “Karma, that was so long ago.” I shake my head. I’ve heard it all before.
My grandfather Rapten eloped with my grandmother when they were still young. My grandmother’s brothers hunted them down at the family camp, killed Rapten one dark night and took my grandmother, who was pregnant by then, home. Somehow, grandfather’s family didn’t seek revenge. Why, I don’t know, but seems they’ve been sorry ever since.
“The family won’t back down,” Karma says. “There’s no choice, not this time…” His voice fades as he casts his unsettled gaze over my shoulder.
“That’s not true!” I jump up, surprised by the boldness of my own voice. “We always have the opportunity to choose.” I catch my breath as the words roll from my mouth. “You, me, we all have a choice.” My face flushes as the sweltering afternoon heat gets the better of me.
With an icy calm, Karma turns his gaze on me, his eyes a distant, frosty green. “So, you want the family to forgive?” He raises his chin. “Be weak and let the crime go unpunished?”
I cringe as his harsh stare slices through my flesh and bones, exposing the deepest of my core in one clean cut.
“Yes, I do.” I say, my voice a conceding whisper. “I want to let it go.” A sob escapes from the back of my throat.
“Uncle will be punished.” My voice blurs, but somehow my mind is crystal clear. “For the bad karma he created will come to fruition.” Choosing my words with care now, I take a deep breath in. “We might not witness it in this life, but his punishment is already delivered by the law of karma, the law of cause and effect.”
My body sags against the hard boulder, my palms scrape its arid, chalky surface. “He will have his punishment, but it’s not for us to deliver. We will only do more harm to our family and to ourselves.”
There, I’ve said it. Declared my truth. My heartbeat throbs against my aching ribs and I look up, expecting the worst in the silence that just crashed upon us. I was wrong.
Instead of coming down on me like a stroke of lightning in a thunderbolt, his eyes have softened into the shade of a lush forest in the midst of summer.
“I see you don’t have the desire for revenge, my love.” His voice mellow, he pauses and leans in. “I’ve heard your silent prayers on the whispers of the wind.” His hands reach for my rigid hands and his fingers brush the opal shale from my bruised palms.
“I’ve felt your innermost devotion in the caring, generous touch of your hands.” He shakes his head and looks away. “But I’ve chosen to fulfill my duty to the family, as I’ve done so all my life.” His hands drop mine, and clench into fists.
“So, don’t ask again.” With a brisk turn, he strides off into the spiraling stream of pilgrims at the shoreline.
My vision blurs as I swallow the bitterness that has flooded my mouth. Silly me. I press my hands to my aching ribs and draw a deep breath. What did I expect? That my words would change his mind?
I knew they wouldn’t. Even the ngakpa’s divination said so. The only way is to act from the truth in my heart. Well, I just did. I said what was in my heart and where did it get me? My limp limbs sink back into the bolder. I close my eyes to let the disappointment pass through the hollows in my heart.
“He’s nothing special, you know.” A sharp sneer rings in my ears. “With his high and mighty attitude… you can do so much better.” Lanying.
“Sister.” A weak smile precedes my courteous greeting. She must have seen us arguing.
“Did you just challenge Karma?” Her hands on her hips, she pries my closed stance. “You’re a fast learner!” She wrinkles her nose and lets out a shrill laughter.
I blink, not knowing how to react to her embittered amusement.
“You two really have it in for each other, don’t you?” I say, and I straighten my weary back.
“Actually, he’s not that bad.” Lanying’s eye narrow. “A bit too soft, if you ask me.” Not letting me off the hook, she devours me with that sharp blue in her eyes.
“Well, I haven’t noticed that,” I say. My feet grind into the gravel. “He’s quite vindictive when it comes to the matter with my uncle.” My shoulders sag again, and tears burn behind my eyelids.
“Ah, sisterrr…” Lanying leaps over to my side. “That’s good. Revenge is good.” She crosses her arms over her chest and settles back into the bolder. “Revenge settles the score, so all will be in balance again.” She rocks back and forth on her heels, and a hint of complacency peeks around her lips.
“You’re wrong.” My voice calm and clear, I turn to her. “It’s not up to us .” I dare to face her. “We can’t deliver the law of cause and effect; it doesn’t work that way.” A tiny spark of revolt ignites in my mind. Lanying’s an intelligent woman—she should know better. “You’re deluding yourself when you think you can.”
“Maybe.” Lanying’s eyes narrow, and a devious sparkle shines through. “But it sure makes me feel better, knowing that I’ve settled a few scores in this lifetime.” Her voice is almost a sneer.
“Really.” I raise my chin at her. “And tell me, what good did that do you?” A surge of frustration floods my mind. She’s acting like a fool, and there’s no way I’m letting her get away with this self-deceit.
She looks away, and a grim twist appears around her mouth. “You think I was born this way?” The words spit out of her mouth and splatter with a vengeance at my feet.
“No, sister, I was made this way…” She pauses as her eyes flare up in a burning blue fever. “Or rather, I chose to become like this.” Her words breathe fire by now, but her ice-cold, unmoving stance chills me to the bone.
“Had I not taken what was mine, I would have crawled into a ditch and died.” Her nostrils flare as she turns away from her raging outburst, and a sad sigh drifts from her simmering breath.
I flinch as the devastating vengeance in my sister’s voice cracks my heart right open. My mind boggles at the unexpected display of ache. This woman… What a fool I’ve been. Who am I to call her out like this? I swallow hard to suppress my surging shame and sorrow. What do I know of the hardship she must bear in this life?
“I’m sorry, sister.” My voice small now, I grip her hand. “I really am.” I blink through my tears. “But I don’t want revenge.” My sweaty palm slides off her hand, and I sense my sincere apology landing at her feet. Lanying shuffles, shifting her weight back and forth.
“I know,” she says and glances at me, her eyes still like half moons of the brightest sapphire blue. “And I’ll help you.” She sniffs and tugs at the shimmering silk of her sleeve. “I’ve gone too far. There’s no redemption for me to be found in this life, but you...” A remarkable mercy draws over her face. “I don’t want you to get lost like I did.”
Before I can open my mouth, she twirls around, ready to take flight. “So, I’ll see you in Lhasa, sister.” She speeds off, the long tail of her silken coat swishes along with her last remark. “I’ll find you when time calls.”
I’m left standing in amazement, as I always do when she vanishes like that… There’s something about her that puzzles me, something not from this world. I don’t get the chance to rack my brains about that. Little sister’s on her way, all bright and wide-eyed.
“Tea’s ready.” Her hands flutter. “Brother told me to hurry.”
I smile at her disarming innocence. I don’t feel like joining anybody right now, especially not Karma, but who can refuse a package of pure joy like that?
“Coming,” I say, and scoop her tiny frame in my arms. “I’m ready to drink the whole kettle dry.”
I am—my palate’s parched. Salty sweat crusts the corners of my mouth. I swing little sister around and her buoyant giggle reassures me I’ll be fine with her on my side.
Although I’m apprehensive about facing Karma right now, the soothing cup of tea in the shade of the swaying pines dwindles the distance my words might have spun between us. The thoughtful way in which he clears a seat for me, his gentle touch lingering on as he hands me my cup—there’s no trace of resentment over me speaking my truth in his manners. I shrug off my misplaced apprehension and lift my cup to Dendup. “Any tea left?”
Dendup stirs the kettle with a vengeance. “Seen you talking to that woman again.” He frowns as he peers into the apparently empty pot. “Stay away, sister, she’s no good.” He throws me one of his dire looks.
“You really have no time for her, don’t you?” My mind groans. Here we go again. Putting Lanying down on every chance he gets.
“What did she ever do to you?” I raise my voice, demonstrating that this time I want to know.
“Not to me,” Dendup says, and takes a quick glance at little sister. “But to her entire family; she sold them all out.” His words are a whisper to keep the little one out of earshot. “It killed her brother, her father, and who knows what became of that husband of hers.” Family? Husband? I veer up as Dendup shakes the last drop out of the kettle.
“Death follows wherever that woman goes.” With a bang, the pot lands on the ground. “You were a fool to ever get involved with her.” He delivers his harsh words at Karma with a spiteful look on his face. “But at least you got out in time.”
Karma turns his back on Dendup. With a careful nonchalance, he packs the last of our leftovers in a bag, leaving Dendup to grumble over the empty pot. I hold my breath as I observe the two of them, plotting through their strangely complacent silence. Seems to me they’ve been here before.
I keep to my corner, my mind chewing over Dendup’s words again and again. Selling out her family, a husband, it all sounds so foreign to my ears. Would she really be capable of something like that? I’m dying to know the whole of Lanying’s story, or at least the story as Dendup believes it to be, but I’d better let it rest—I don’t want to shatter the fragile peace between the three of us. Not now. I sip my cup.
As night appears, cloaked in a dark cobalt blue, we roll out our mats at the higher, secluded shores of Nam Tso. The cloudless sky brings a bitter cold and despite the words between us today, Karma bends his body to shelter mine.
Nestled in the comfort of him, I marvel at my longing to be with this man, a longing becoming strong so fast. As my body finds its place in the tender hollow of his chest, I let my thoughts go over the day—and what a day it has been.
“Nordun, love.” Karma’s fingers run on the top of my head. “Promise me you’ll stay out of it.” He slides his hand down my neck, and his thumb lifts my chin.
Confused at what he’s suggesting, I open my mouth, but he presses his fingertips to my lips, a tender yet determined touch.
“I hear your quiet resistance growing in the silence,” he says, his voice a dense whisper in my ear. “I hear it rising, in everything that remains unsaid.” He pulls me closer and grazes my forehead with his lips.
“But you’ll have to leave it, love.” He presses my head against his chest, his heartbeat drumming his steady request in my ear. “Promise you’ll leave it to me and won’t ask me again.”
My mind blanks for a moment, my hands clenched against his chest. This man! How can he be so right about my innermost thoughts? How can he know the hopes and dreams swelling inside of me with fear and delight at the same time? As his hand slides along my burning cheek, I close my eyes and search for an honest answer.
“I won’t ask again.” My reply seems to reassure him as his breath evens and his hand drops to my shoulder.
He’s content but I know it’s only for now, for soon he’ll understand the true meaning of the words that just slipped from my lips…
I won’t ask again, but when the time comes, I won’t leave it to him.