stones appear along the path. Om Tare. Hacked into the side of the bedrocks, they’re a sign we’re coming up to the highest point now. Almost there. Focus. My feet sag in the sleet. Hail turns into snow, caking the front of my coat. I slide the reins around my bent arm and fold my sleeves over my numb fingers as far as possible. One foot in front of the other, my breath shallows as the raw cold pierces my lungs.
I halt for a moment to turn my back against the gale. Coming up for air, I peer down the path from under my hood. All I see is shadows, moving like a funeral procession into a vast pale white. I blink, my thoughts swirling over the long line of silhouettes that are my companions. Ghosts. I’m walking amidst an ashen haunt of roving spirits, risen from their funeral pile, and damned to walk the bardo for an unknown time.
In a crystal surge, the pure luminosity of death flashes before my eyes. Yes, we’re ghosts, spirits inhabiting these temporal bodies, destined to perish, whether we want to or not. Maybe today, on this mountain, maybe some other time. It’s not for us to decide.
I swallow my breath as the haunting insight lingers on in the back of my mind. Ghosts. With my stallion’s nose prodding my shoulder, I draw my hood closer and face to wind. Keep moving.
My breath’s sawing in my throat. My knees shake from the strength spent. I raise my hand as Karma looks back. I’m still here. In the distance, I see the shreds of prayer flags, their voices lost in the wind. We’ve reached the top. And just as I’m about to step ahead, a vortex of shrieking air lifts around us, drawing up dense walls of opaque snow and pearly ice. Any effort to stay upright or even to stay put is spent, for the mighty Cho La has decided to reveal herself in all her force, leaving us all to wander in a world without end. My body beaten, I sag to my knees, ready to give in to whatever it is the mountain demands. This place, this time—this is what the bardo is like.
A sharp-arrowed ache shoots up my forehead as I draw a deep breath. This is the breach between death and next life, the in-between where our spirits roam after our bodies are spent and left behind. This is the vault in which all our fears and foes are stored, ready to be unleashed on us in a terror of delusions. And this is the moment where the mundane and the sacred meet, the moment where we have the opportunity to awaken. We either liberate or further entrap ourselves, depending on how we relate to it all. This is it.
A strange calm descends on me as I stare down at my hands, suspended in time. My breath cascades down in a white cloud. I raise my palms to the sky. My fingers catch the crystal pouring down. A rainbow of light reflects in each and every one of them. They blind me with their brilliance, and I close my eyes as warm streaks roll down my frozen cheeks. Humbled by the rawness of her elemental power, I lay myself down. My body melts into the enveloping cold. I surrender to Cho La. This is the moment where it all comes down to staying aware, staying present—in body and mind—with whatever manifests.
Breathe! A surge of adrenaline shoots through my body as a deep voice resounds over the howling wind. Breathe! I gasp. The taste of iron fills my mouth. Glass particles cut through my nostrils, down the back of my throat. Jolted back to the here and now, I grab the front leg of my horse and drag myself up. My body numb, but my mind vivid and alive, I slide my arm over my stallion’s neck. With my face pressed against his frozen manes, I shiver and swallow the steely liquid that foams around my lips. Whatever arises, it’s all an illusion. It’s all in the mind. Keep breathing, keep moving. Om Tare.
“Come on!” My lips motionless, my mind forms the words. It takes all my strength to push on my stallion. He doesn’t need the spur, though. When he senses my desperate touch, he drags me on, one cautious step after another one. Aimlessly we wander, going forward to wherever Cho La’s whirling power demands. And as the vault of fears and foes cracks right open, ringing in my most vengeful nightmares to haunt me down. My mind turns to Tara, steering me clear from an untimely death—I’ve surrendered to survive.
Drifting in this frenzied white dome, fending off the eve- persistent phantoms that prey on my body and mind, I’ve lost all notion of time. It could have been one part of the sun, it could have lasted even a moon, I don’t know, but all of a sudden it halts. Without warning, the sky rips open in the brightest azure and swallows the coiling vortex with a roaring thunder, leaving our beaten down convoy to emerge in an eerie, silent whiteout. The descending stillness crushes my spine, and I fall to my knees once again. Only this time, my face is turned to the sky. A prayer of gratitude flows from my lips. She has heard my plea; she has granted me mercy. Om Tare. I’m free.
Still on my knees, I try to catch my breath and lick the tiny trail of blood trickling from the corner of my mouth. My head spins as the clear air rushes down my chest. My body is open, my mind is clear. I close my eyes and sink my hands into the freezing sleet. I need to ground myself, for I’m weightless and floating into the opal expanse.
“Nordun.” A voice pleads as two powerful arms lift me up. “Love, look at me.” Cold hands on my cheeks, a warm breath stirs my lips. I open my eyes and sink into an ocean of emerald. “Nordun.” It’s Karma.
My lips move, a stale whiff from my mouth. “I’m good.” The words pour out of my mouth in a gulf of heated iron, flowing all the way from the back of my breath. My stomach contracts and I gag.
“Spit it out.” His one hand slides around my waist, the other pulls back my hood. My stomach turns itself upside down. Blood splatters in the snow. Instant relief settles through my body. “That’s it.” He runs his thumbs over my lips and wipes the traces of red of my mouth. I shiver, pearls of sweat form on my forehead.
“I’m good,” I say, and sink back into his arms.
“Of course you are.” He pulls me in, defying any resistance met. “You’re about to conquer so much more than this.” His lips graze the tip of my ear. His whisper carries an ominous edge. “You just don’t know it yet.” His muscles around me tense—for only a split moment—a tight ripple under the fur of his dense coat. Narrow slivers of green meet my eyes as I draw back. Before I can open my mouth, he slides my hood back over my head, leaving me no space to react to his puzzling remark.
“Nordun.” Dendup pops up beside us, cloaked in white. His typical grin peeps from under his cap. “I see you’re in excellent hands.” With brisk strokes, he wipes the snow from his chuba and slaps Karma on the shoulder, his comical relief coming through. “And again, Cho La grants us a safe crossing.” His eyes dart over the horizon. “Let’s not push our luck and hurry, for we’re nowhere in the clear yet.”
With reluctance, Karma releases his grip, and I steady myself, rubbing some life back in my hands. Dendup’s right, we’re only halfway. Even though this meagre snowfall is nothing compared to the fierce blizzard we just survived, it’s still a long way to safe shelter. My stallion shudders, as if to strengthen Dendup’s words. “Yes, I hear you.” My hands run over his neck.
With the front part of our caravan already on the move, I hasten after Karma, my legs remarkably light. Crossing Cho La’s highest point, a gateway of shimmering white against a stark blue, a silver sun breaking through the last clods of creamy gray. Her stillness and silence halt me and I bow my head in reverence to the mighty Cho La. She has humbled me with her magnitude and honored me with her mercy. She has touched me with her strength and showed me my own. Nothing will ever be the same again, and yet it is for here we walk on, my horse and me.
A slender tongue of ice twists down. It’s our path from the top. Shielding my eyes from the pearly sheen that’s known to blind, I let myself fall into the rhythm of the descent. Om Tare. The ice melts into a shifty trail of loose rocks and gravel, leading us into the shadows of a steep-sided gorge. With the river raging beneath us, we slide down, our pace even slower than the crawl up this morning. I fix my eyes on the path before me, my hands pull the reins tighter with every scramble of my horse’s hoofs.
“Easy now.” My voice croaks a futile reminder as my horse’s already on his edge, treading with the utmost care. Sweat veils my forehead, and the intensity of the trail prevails over the bitter cold. We straggle down until we reach the lower grounds at the onset of dusk.
As the first fires are lit among our scattered group, I saddle off my horse and sink down beside his bent head. “We’ve made it.” I stroke his sodden manes. “We’ve come through.” My fingers numb, I wrestle with the horse’s halter.
“Here, let me.” Karma’s hands shroud mine. A painful tinge shoots through as they meet with his warm breath. “You get yourself to the fire. We’ll take care of the rest.”
With a thankful smile, I pull my hands up my soaked sleeves and dash down to the nearest blaze.
“Ah, good to see you, sister.” Hands stretched to the flames, Lanying’s voice resounds with genuine relief. “I knew you would make it.” She swings back her hood. Sparks of fire reflect a thoughtful light blue in her eyes. “Here, come closer.” With one hand around my shoulder, she pulls me in. “Get warm.” Her hand rubs my back. “Many have not come yet.” A gloom slides across her face and she turns to the darkened mountain range.
I flinch, the fire’s heat blazes against my face. Of course, we were in the front group and we’ve only just arrived.
“Any idea how many?” I glance at Lanying, for I dare not look at our scattered convoy.
She shrugs. “We’ll have to wait for the light to assess the damage.” The pragmatic tone in her voice tells me she’s been here before—many times. “You don’t worry, sister, you’re in good company.” She looks over my shoulder. “Here’re your two guards again.” She spins her heels and draws her hood back over her head. I snatch her sleeve and hold it tight.
“Stay,” I say, and grab her other hand. There’s no need for her to run off like that.
“Next time, sister.” With a hiss, she tugs herself free, and off she is, the tail of her long coat breezing behind her.
I blink and step back.
My mouth half-open, the words are on my lips. “Don’t be foolish,” I wanted to say. “No need to be avoiding each other like this.” But she’s already vanished amongst the swift shadows of night.
“Drying out a bit?” Dendup moves beside me, wringing his hands at the fire. I nod. My face and hands are ablaze by now. The heat’s thawing my frozen bones. “Found us a suitable spot out of the wind.” He points to a ticket of bushes, our gear already spread out. Turning my back to the fire, I wrap my coat tight. As warm as it is within the fringe of the flames, so bitter is the cold outside of it.
While a few muleteers keep the fires crackling, we retreat to our mats. Squished between my two companions, I crawl deep under my blanket. Cho La has pushed my body to its limits today, exhausting it with a deep sense of release, and I’m ready to fall asleep.
“Nordun.” A whisper from Karma. “Look.”
I peep from under the blanket. Karma’s hand points to the midnight sky. I draw up a little; the breeze catching the top of my head. Amidst a thousand glowing stars is a flashing rain of fireballs—a cloudburst of fierce orange and fiery yellow pours down on the peaks of the Cho La.
“Wow.” I can’t suppress my amazement and raise myself up on my elbows. I’ve seen the sky streaked in fire before, but not like this. So fiery, so fierce. A smile curls on my lips—what a gift we are granted. What an auspicious sign the heavens have sent us on our journey.
I shiver as the bitter breeze chases me back under my blanket. I pull my arms out of my sleeves and rub my shoulders. The cold’s having another go at me, latching itself onto my bones. Turning on my side, I pull my blanket closer, the coarse wool scraping my cheeks. If only I could get warm again. The woody fumes of the smolder still linger in the air. Maybe I should get to one of the fires for a bit? I duck deeper as my teeth clatter.
“Nordun.” Karma’s voice is gentle yet insistent. “Come here.” His strong arms grip around me. With one heave, he hauls me into his blanket. “Open your coat.” His fingers fumble with the strap around his chuba, but my mind blanks. I freeze.
“Come to me, my love.” His voice is husky now, and I hold my breath as his hand slips underneath the fur of my coat. He opens the front and folds the sides away. My mind’s jolted awake. Scrambling to make sense of this, my body tenses in all ways imaginable. “Trust me.” He draws me closer and folds my rigid body into the warm, open space of his. He wraps our coats and blankets tight around and rests my head against his chest. “Breathe.” And as his heart beats a drum in my ear, it releases a quiet warmth, a tender comfort that relaxes the very being of me.
With my body melting into his, a calmness eases my mind. I draw a deep breath and swallow the suffocating misgivings in me. I’m good, we’re good.
My hands slide up with a slight hesitation but nestle themselves in the soft spot of his midriff. With his fingers caressing my cheek, our breaths and beings fall into sync, and we drift off into the night under the watchful eye of the mighty Cho La.