See you later, sister.” Lanying and the little one wave me off as I slip through the gate. With the late midday sun licking her crimson red tongue all along the charred mountain ridge, I’m right on time. A quick glance around the courtyard tells me there’re no new arrivals today. It’s going to be a quiet evening for a change. Good. I hop over to the front door and put my shoulder against its hardened wood.
Those wretched officials… As soon as the door is ajar, Dendup’s harsh voice comes through… greedy bastards, they are… I sigh. Seems his mood hasn’t picked up since I left. Pulling the bundle of my old clothes near, I tiptoe across the hallway. Alas, the squeaking of my new leather boots gives me away.
“Nordun!” Generous as ever, it’s the matron’s voice calling out to me from the kitchen door. “Please, come on, tea’s ready.” The cordial smile widens as she sees me, and an approving glance crosses her face. “Now look at you, all done up in new.” Her hands anchor on her hips. “That was long overdue, if you ask me.”
The cheerful wink that follows puts a flush on my cheeks and I find myself stuck in the doorway. A sudden unease twitches at my insides.
“Come.” Her welcoming arms pull me into the kitchen, where the sweltering stove blasts my already heated face. “Got delicious candied fruit from our brothers.”
She nods to the men in deep conversation around a low table in the back. It’s Karma, Dendup, and another man I’ve not seen before. I tug the sleeves of my new coat; my mind tosses and turns. Will I go over… or wait?
I don’t have to decide, as the matron already does.
“Have some for yourself, too.” She puts a plate loaded with sugared fruits and nuts in my free hand, directing me to serve the men.
As soon as I’m in their sight, the conversation goes quiet.
“Brothers,” I say and bow my head to the table. Dendup’s drink floats somewhere in midair while Karma’s face freezes in a bewildered stare. I hasten to steady the plate on the table, my mind struggling with what to say or do. He must have sensed my discomfort, as Karma folds his hand around my elbow and draws me in.
“I see you had a good day then.” He twines his fingers in mine.
Dendup grumbles. His drink has spilled by now—his hand didn’t make it to his mouth.
“That darned woman again,” he mutters under his breath.
I shrug at his pinched expression and rush a hand through my hair. Too much. The dress, or the hair, or both—it must be too much. My eyes follow my fingers, fidgeting with the furred lapel of my coat.
“Not good?” I take a deep breath before I dare to glance down at Karma and cross my arm over the sleek belt around my waist. One glance in his twinkling eyes says it all.
“More than good.” He gets up and runs his fingers along the edge of my collar. A wistful smile peeps through the corners of his mouth.
“Sorry sister.” Dendup’s hands shoot up the air. His tone is still harsh, but his clumsy gestures make it clear— his apology is well meant.
“I can’t stand that woman making a fool of us today—twice!” His mouth twists and it looks like he’s about to chew up his moustache. “First this morning, using the little one so blatantly to get her way, and now…” He spits out his words and takes a big swig from his cup. “Like we can’t afford to clothe our own.” He frets as his cup lands with a loud bang on the table, right next to his clenched fist.
“Looks like we’re done here.” Karma spreads his fingers around my waist. “So, tell me all about your day.” I breathe in relief as he whisks me away from Dendup’s ire and the stranger’s leering look.
With the matron serving us a refreshing cup, we settle down in our seats. My unease dissolves even more as the perfect blend of rich tea, salty butter, and a pinch of freshly ground tsampa hits my palate.
“I should have seen this coming.” Karma runs his palms over my sleeves and squeezes my forearms. His eyes settle on me in a deep emerald gaze.
“Seen what coming?” I can’t grasp what he’s getting at, but he just shakes his head, urging me on.
So, I tell him all about the bracing buzz of Chamdo town, of the many fascinating faces and their foreign tongues, the enticing and exotic produce in the stalls and the endless choice of vibrant colored cloth at the tailor. I go on about the cute, new outfits for little sister, the boundless generosity of Lanying, and of course I don’t forget to mention the close safeguarding of her men.
Karma smiles and sips his tea, his hands doubled in a steeple under his chin.
“So,” he says, quietly interrupting my excited account. “You didn’t have to yield your knife then?” His eyes draw down the drapes of my coat and leaves me to stumble over my next sentence.
“How?” My hands shoot to my side. It’s still there, buried between my underdress and shirt.
“Oh, love,” he says, as he catches my baffled face. “It’s impossible for women to hide the straight blade of a knife on their body.” His hand searches my hip, and he leans in closer. “Especially with those gorgeous curves of yours.” His lips blow a playful chuckle in my ear and I squirm.
“She took great care of us.” My voice sounds almost apologetic. How do I wrestle my way out of this?
“I’m sure she did.” Karma leans back, his hand still on my hip. “But she can’t be trusted.” The faint lines around his eyes tighten as he looks me in the eye.
“Whatever happened in the past,” I say and straighten my back. “That’s between you and her.” I meet his stare to reinforce my words. I mean it. I don’t have a clue what happened, and I will never ask. My hand slides over his and our fingers lock on my side. “It has nothing to do with me.”
Karma’s face softens as my fingers caress his.
“You are wrong, my love,” he says, his voice a tinge hoarse. “For everything of me has to do with you now.”
A dark glint shoots through the deepest of his eyes, just for a moment, and I blink.
“I don’t need to know.” I shake my head. “Not now.” My heart beats faster as my hand rumbles through my coat. Where did I put it again?
Karma raises his eyebrows and leans back into his seat, observing me quietly as I pull a string from my pocket.
“I got you something,” I say. “Or rather, I made you something.” I stretch out my hand and show him the thin leather strap I salvaged from my old dress today. Dangling on it are the three clay beads we dug up yesterday, their earthen colors deepened with a bit of oil. In between the stone drops, I’ve strung two exquisite jade beads of my mala, their viridian luster a striking green glow in the palm of my hand.
“It’s a reminder,” I say, and I feel my cheeks flushing again.
Karma leans in and cups my hand in his, his breath a balmy stroke on my palm.
“A reminder?” His eyes glide over the beads and he folds our hands.
I nod. “These are your reminder of the road, your favorite place to be,” I say and slide the earth-toned drops through my fingers. “The excitement of meeting new people, the adventure of discovering foreign places…” I glance up and smile as he’s gone quiet, a pensive look in his eyes. “But most of all, the alluring strength of the mountains, drawing you back with their promise of freedom—time and again.”
The far-off look in his eyes confirms what I’ve observed ever since we met.
“These two are your reminder of home.” My voice hesitates as my fingers twirl the jade beads on the string. “Your heart is always free to roam, to go wherever it needs to be.”
My own heart’s hammering against my chest by now and deep inside I want to run and hide, but my desire to share my truth with him is so much stronger. I take a deep breath in and close our hands, the leather strap lacing between our fingers.
“This is a reminder that—no matter what happens between us—you’ll always have somebody to come home to.” Slowly, I draw our hands in, holding them close to my heart. “You will always be home with me.”
An ease folds over me and I bow my head as the vision of our joined hands blurs. I mean every word I said. No matter what happens. Love changes, for people change, as easily as the wind changes direction. But never will I allow hatred between us—I will always be someone for him to come home to—only him.
His warm lips press my forehead and his hands guide mine around his neck. I tie the strap while he holds me without voicing a single word. As he lays my head against his chest, our breaths move in sync and I close my eyes, knowing I did right today. No matter what happens, I believe in the innate goodness of all beings.
No matter what happens, I will follow the wisdom of my heart.