the surface of our blankets with a crisp rustle, but the bone-piercing cold hasn’t touched me at all. Sheltered in the warmth of Karma’s body, I wake, cozy and snug, my cheek still pressed against his chest.
“Good morning.” With a gentle whisper, he releases his grip. “You’re one quiet sleeper—you haven’t moved at all.”
I’ve slept in his arms. My breath quickens as my mind registers where I am, and I wince. All night. I pull up my arms from underneath, unable to meet his eye yet.
“Give me a moment. My arm has gone numb.” He chuckles, slides on his side, and puts my head in the crock of his neck. “So that’s better.” He rests his cheek against my balmy forehead, his breath a tranquil breeze in the quietude between us.
I swallow, my chest tight. How did this happen?
“Nordun.” A pensive pause.
“Hmmm,” I clear my throat, but the lump of unease won’t loosen from the back of my throat.
“You’re not going shy on me now, are you?” He runs the back of his hand over my cheek and lifts my chin to meet his eyes. “Nothing happened, you know.”
My breath relaxes, and I shiver. He’s right. Nothing happened. Yet, the moment our gazes fuse and our breath meets, I know. Something happened.
My temples throb and my fingertips tingle with an unknown ache to touch him. I hold my breath as I run my fingers along the roughened edge of his jaw.
His head bends and touches my forehead. His eyes close as my fingertips stray on his cheekbone. The smell of him, so salty, so soothing. My mind has deserted me. I just can’t let him go.
A smile buds in the corner of his mouth, and his hand covers mine. He presses his lips against the palm of my hand. His eyes open, and his gaze locks mine in a tender understanding between us. I come up for air, surfacing from a depth I’ve never been before. This man, so patient. Something happened, we both know it. Something happened to me.
“Karma.” Dendup’s raw voice jolts me back to the here and now. “Get up, quick.”
I look up and freeze. Something’s wrong. The cap pulled over Dendup’s eyes can’t hide his wrought expression.
“What?” My mind strung, I shoot up, only to be pulled back by Karma and the entanglement of our clothes. Calm as ever, Karma peels the layers away. A smile still graces his lips.
“Don’t worry,” he says. “Dendup tends to overreact.” His sturdy hands pull me up and smoothen the front of my coat. “In case you hadn’t noticed.” He winks, but as he turns to Dendup, his smile fades into a frown. Dendup shakes his head.
“Cho La.” He casts his eyes upon the arid mountain range behind me. “She’s demanded the ultimate sacrifice again.” His voice casts a worry. “She’s taken a little one last night.”
My stomach plunges. I stumble back. The ultimate sacrifice. A little one. Dizziness seizes me as Dendup’s words spin on their axes in the vacuum of my mind.
“Wow.” Karma steadies his arm around my waist. “Which little one?”
My eyes dart over the frosted fields where the front of our convoy stranded last night. Small groups scatter around the smoldering fires, slowly waking up to the break of dawn. The outer ring of muleteers and mules keeps their precious cargo close in the pale pink of the morning mist.
I crane my neck and I strain my eyes, but I don’t see little sister.
“That one’s brother.” Dendup’s words get lost in the echo of a desperate wail. It’s little sister, running towards us as if she’s being chased by the last shadows of a horrifying night.
“Sister!” Her limp little body latches itself to my legs with a heartbreaking sob. I crouch and throw my arms around her. A flood of tears breaks through.
“What happened?” I steady my voice and my mind. My hands wipe her heated, streaked face.
“Her brother went astray last night.” Dendup stoops beside us and gently ruffles the nest of fuzz on top of her head. “He’s playing with Mi la tse tse now.” He pauses and heaves a deep breath. “And they’re having a lot of fun together.” His voice pitches as he turns to me. “Right, Nordun?” Little sister’s head bobs up. Her teary look of bewilderment stares me right in the face.
“Really?” Her thin voice rips right through my heart.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Her eyes widen at the sight of my hesitation. Her knees fail and my heart plunges down at her feet. I draw her close and I hold her tight as the weight of grief crushes her birdlike body. Tears burn behind my closed eyes—so much suffering to bear at such an early age. I clutch her tighter to prevent myself from speaking, for it’s better to stay silent now.
We both know Dendup’s words are not true and some things are not meant to be said—their truth is like bindweed, choking the life out of everything it comes across. Sometimes staying silent is the best way to be.
So, I do the only thing I c do in the face of unspeakable suffering—I hold her. Resting my mind in stillness, I hold her in my arms without reacting, without response, without any emotional disturbance, so anger and sadness have nowhere to latch onto in me. I hold her in my heart and inhale her hot, dark and devastating despair in an even cool breath, while exhaling a fresh sense of cool, bright light beaming through the pores of my body.
I hold her until her breath falls in sync with mine and the wall she’s trying so hard to build around her heart crumbles .
I hold her until our hearts connect, sharing the burden of her grief and strengthening her center so she can hold her own—for now.