taking care of our horses and bags, all I have to do is sit tight. They’ve secured me a spot in the corner of the boat. As it turns out, even “sitting tight” is quite an ordeal.
My hands clasp around the side pole of the boat. I hold on with all my strength, but I’m no match for this force of nature. The fast-moving current beats merciless on the side of our vessel. I’m tossed between our solid leather bags and the jagged wooden frame of the boat.
Cold sweat beads on my forehead. My stomach rises with our vessel on the waves of the water. Giant boulders break the river’s surface, causing a relentless spray of white foam to lash down on us. I shiver. The bitter cold invades every bone of my body, completely paling the scorching midday sun.
While my eyes search for safety, Dendup points to the other side. He’s trying to tell me something, but his voice is lost on me. I don’t know what’s more deafening—the waves crashing with a vengeance against all the sides of our boat or the beat of my heart rushing in my ears.
There it is, that familiar fear striking my body again, turning my thoughts to the worst scenario of drowning—a horrific death. Focus. I know what’s happening. I’ve been here before—my mind playing the same tricks on me—over and over again.
Sweat lashes down my back by now. I have to wrestle myself out of this suffocating grip of anxiety, but I’m blanking completely. Even the icy water gathering on the base of our boat, sloshing around my numb ankles—I feel it, but it doesn’t really register with me.
Clenching my teeth, I draw upon the last bit of strength left in my body. Only a steady, well-trained mind will be capable of warding off the obstacles you will meet out there—my grandmother’s words flash like a lightning beam through the void in my mind. That’s it! It’s useless to simply ignore these destructive thoughts—they’re too tenacious. I’ve got to fight. I press my tongue against the roof of my mouth, and a sweet iron taste seeps through. I need to crush my fears, annihilate them with all force.
My knuckles whiten. I gasp for air and pull myself up from the rugged frame. Oṃ tāre tu tāre ture soha. While my lips form the words, I close my eyes and call upon Tara with all that is left in me. Oṃ tāre tu tāre ture soha. My temples throb. I fill my mind with Tara’s chant, praying her beautiful vision will come to me again.
My mind’s eye turns to the corners of my being. She’s here! Her familiar, radiant green spirit hovers right in front of me. Her loving smile soothes my shivering body and mind as she draws nearer. With her right leg extended forward, she’s ready to leap into action, wiping out all the false illusions that have nestled themselves deep inside of me for too long.
As the timber frame pounds into my battered body, Tara shines her crystal green light on me, filling my heart with a quiet, yet compelling calm. The bright hue permeates me, strengthening my body and clearing my mind. I’m protected. I’m safe. A vivid clarity settles within me, my body relaxes. My fears are only a projection of my mind. It’s not real. My grandmother taught me well and Tara is on my side. I can do this.
My arms fling around the frame. I raise myself to face the raging river. Oṃ tāre tu tāre ture soha. With the ice-cold spray lashing down on me, I let the water run its course, sweeping clean my body, and turning my mind to a more positive outcome.
Any perception of time slips away as our tiny vessel braves the mighty river. I have no idea how long it takes us to reach the other side, and I don’t mind. What I’m sure of, though, is that I’m the first out, wading to safer shore as fast as my weary legs can carry me. Drenched to the bone, I sink on all fours. The silty sand curls up between my fingers as my assurance. We’ve made it.
“That was a pretty rough fare for a first time.” Dendup’s hand reaches to pull me up. “At least you kept your food in. That’s more than I can say of most of us.” He nudges his head at Karma.
“Really?” My knees wobbly, I grab Dendup’s hand and pull myself up.
“Oh yes, my first time crossing the water like this was not that smooth.” Karma secures our horses to the side. “But then again, I do remember a certain someone who couldn’t hold his food in that same fare either.” He throws a smirk over his shoulder.
“True.” Dendup snorts. “But that wasn’t because of the boat.” The two of them burst into laughter. I totally understand, for I’ve seen how Dendup’s taken with the chang.
“You rest and stay with our horses.” Dendup points at the approaching boats ferrying the rest of our caravan across. “We’ll help some families with children across.”
I spread my waterlogged coat over the sun-drenched boulders. It’s going to take most of the day for the whole caravan to be ferried across. I’m fine with that. With nausea still ruling my stomach, I feel like I’ve been turned inside out and upside down. I sit myself next to my drying coat. I’m not going anywhere for a while.
Carefully I unwrap the sodden, blood-stained bandages from my trembling hands. A bit of air will dry them out.
“So you made it, sister,” a familiar voice says. It’s Lanying, looking put-together as ever, with her hooded cloak enveloping her lean physique. Her white teeth flash a grin. “Not that I doubted that for a moment. Those two are guarding you well.”
Her eyes fix on the shore where Karma and Dendup are unloading the vessels. I open my mouth, but before I get the chance to say anything, she lands herself beside me and puts her hand around my neck.
“Pretty.” Her eyes mirror the blue pendant as her fingers slide across the leather cord. “But not nearly enough to keep you safe on this journey. I’ve seen them look at you.” A small disdain graces her lips as she curls them ever so slightly. “Here, take this.”
I flinch as she pulls a small silver sheath from her cloak. “It’s small, but has proven itself to me more than once.” She presses the elaborate engraved sheath in my hands and draws out a small bone handle dagger. Its slender curved blade shimmers with an icy blue between us.
“Thank you.” I clear my throat. “I mean, for yesterday. If you hadn’t been there…”
She waves her hand. “Oh, but I was, so no bother,” she says. “We sisters, we look out for each other.” She looks me straight in the eye. “He won’t always be there to project you, you know.”
Her blue eyes pierce into mine. My cheeks burst into a flash. She’s talking about Karma.
“Neither will I, so take it.”
She slides the dagger back into its sheath and tucks it under the belt of my dress. It finally registers with me. She wants me to keep the knife!
My thumb circles the smooth top of the bone handle. “I’ve never handled something like this before.” My breath shallows as an iron fist tightens around my heart. And I never want to.
I search for something to say—I don’t want to offend her. She means well, but I don’t want a knife. Not ever.
“It’s a tough world out here for us women.” Lanying lowers her voice. “Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.” She grabs my hand and secures my sweaty palm around the cold silver sheath. “Don’t hesitate to yield this blade whenever your instincts tell you to.”
The harsh grimace on her face, the cagey tone with which she speaks those words, it drains the blood from my face.
My mouth opens in vain. She’s gone as quickly as she appeared, a sudden breeze flailing the tail end of her cloak.
I’m left trying to wrap my head around our encounter. This woman just handed me a knife. My eyes lock on its translucent grip, a clear shine on my side. And on top of that, she encouraged me to yield it whenever I feel like it. Has she gone mad?
Better stay away from her. Dendup’s words ring in my ears. Trouble follows wherever that woman goes. I blink. Maybe Dendup’s right . Maybe I should stay away from her. Then again…
In the corner, I see Dendup and Karma approaching. The loading’s finished—we’ll be leaving soon. With one fluid move, I pull the dagger from under my belt and slip it in the inside of my dress. I’ll hand it back to her as soon as I get the chance.
Flinging the now-dry coat around my shoulders, I hurry to the company waiting at our horses. In the meantime, there’s no need to upset anybody—right?