On Friday 4th May, I turned thirty-six. I was awake before Hercules again and lay staring at the ceiling, very aware of an approaching anniversary. On my birthday fourteen years ago, I was blissfully happy, very much in the honeymoon-phase of my marriage, I loved my job at Vanilla Pod and counted my blessings for being part of a caring loving family. Little did I know that my entire world was about to collapse a few days later. Tuesday would signal fourteen years since I discovered my husband wasn’t the person I thought he was. Wednesday would be the anniversary of finding out the truth and Thursday would mark fourteen years since I fled from my old life and let fate decide my future.
Was it time to finally tell Carly the truth about Leanne and Garth? It was May Day Bank Holiday weekend so we’d both be exceptionally busy but it would be Bay Trade again the following Monday and, like me, Carly didn’t like to miss a meeting. Maybe she’d be free to join me afterwards for the final part of my life story.
I didn’t tell my team that it was my birthday because it still didn’t feel like it was cause for celebration. Maybe I’d celebrate it next year. Or the year after.
The usual card arrived via the solicitor from Kirsten and Tim, which I whisked away and placed on the internal stairs before anyone saw it. I’d add it to the back of the box, unopened, after work.
‘I’m getting bored of the gym,’ Nathan said, looking up from mopping the floor in front of the counter after we’d closed for the day. ‘I’m thinking about taking up swimming again.’
I pressed a button on the till to print off the sales report. ‘Sounds like a good plan. I’ve never gelled with the gym but I love swimming.’
‘What’s the new pool like?’
I paused before I answered him, carefully picking my words. ‘It looks nice.’
‘Is it busy on an evening?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t use it on an evening.’
He looked surprised. ‘You go before you start baking? I didn’t think it opened that early.’
‘It doesn’t.’ I sighed. It was time to release a bit more information. What harm could it do? ‘I don’t swim at the pool. I swim in the sea.’
He leaned on the mop and stared at me for a moment, mouth agape.
‘Open water swimming is so much more invigorating than a pool,’ I said. ‘If you ever want to give it a go, I’m happy to accompany you but it’s weather and tide dependent and it’s a very early start. And, of course, you’ll need a good wetsuit.’
‘I’d love to try it. Thank you.’ He smiled then continued mopping.
I ripped the sales report off the till and smiled too. There now. That wasn’t difficult, was it?
So now they knew about open water swimming but I kept back the information about the hygge and the crafting. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put every part of me on show; I had to keep something back. Maria was right. It was up to me what I shared and when I did it and I still couldn’t fully let anyone in. I couldn’t let that tower be fully destroyed because, if it was, there was nothing left to protect me. No lighthouse. Nothing.
Back in my flat that evening, I made my way up to the mezzanine level with my birthday card and pulled out the box containing its predecessors. I sat on the floor and stared at the pale blue envelope with the solicitor’s address crossed out and a redirection label stuck over it. Kirsten always addressed envelopes using calligraphy. She used to laugh and say that most people probably didn’t even notice it, but it made her feel like she’d given their card or letter that bit of extra special care and attention. That was Kirsten all over.
I placed it at the back of the box and my fingers brushed over the other colourful envelopes. Should I…? No. I hastily shoved the lid back on the box and pushed it into the corner. I wasn’t ready. I needed to tell Carly the final part of my story first. Lifting my phone out of my pocket, I texted her to ask if she’d be free after Bay Trade the following week and, after a speedy reply to say she would be, I picked up my needle-felting basket and made my way to the dining table with it. I concentrated on stabbing a barbed needle into the wool; watching it gradually emerging into the shape of a Santa was the perfect task for keeping my mind occupied and ignoring my birthday for another year.