Q&A
Straightforward answers to key questions parents ask about dealing with difficult, real-life issues and their hurting kids.
Doesn’t Fit In
Q: My almost-13-year-old daughter has been really down for the past couple of weeks. I think it’s because the girls who used to hang out with her aren’t anymore. Worse, some of them make nasty comments. How can I help Emma at such a low point, where she feels like she doesn’t fit in, no one likes her, and she’s losing friends?
A: Memo to Mom: Almost-13-year-olds can go for long periods of time feeling like they don’t fit in. BFFs change with the direction of the wind. But I can guarantee that those friends who are no longer acting like BFFs feel the same way your daughter does right now—lonely and searching for somewhere to belong.
Not fitting in, switching friend groups, being mercurial—all these are common behaviors for girls that age. One of your key jobs is to take the ups and downs of that roller-coaster adolescent ride in stride, rather than charging in like an overprotective mama bear to protect your cub. (You certainly don’t want to tango with any of the other protective mama bears protecting their cubs, so let the anger and defensiveness go.)
How can you help your hurting daughter? Tell her some stories about low moments you had with friends during those adolescent years (and I know you’ve had some—we all have—so just fess up). “Did I ever tell you about the time I was in seventh grade . . .”
Talk about times you didn’t fit in, like when it first hit you that most of your friends were athletic and you couldn’t tie your shoelaces without falling over. It came to a head one day when you slid into the place you usually sat at the lunch table with your girlfriends and one of them remarked in a snotty tone, “Well, if it isn’t Ms. Clumsy herself joining us for lunch.”
“I wanted to cry,” you tell your daughter. “But instead, I said, ‘Yeah, that’s me. You got it right. Some people put their shoes on the wrong feet. My feet are just on the wrong legs.’”
You explain how you were fast enough to cover your hurt with humor for the moment, but later you cried at home in your bedroom. “Stuff like that really hurts,” you share with her. “I mean, I still remember it now, and I’m kinda old. But you know what? That’s also a time when I started to search for other friends who had interests more similar to mine. Kids who were interested in art, for example. You’ll do that too.”
Revealing some of your own stories tells your daughter, “Hey, I’ve been there. It hurts and it isn’t fun, but you’ll get through this.”
Here’s the second way you can help. Ask yourself these critical questions: “Does my daughter fit in at home? Does she know she belongs there?”
If I asked your daughter those questions, would she tell me honestly that she feels valued and loved at home? That you see her as a strong person who goes after what she wants with determination? That you believe in her?
If your daughter truly belongs in your home, and you see her in those ways, rest assured she will be okay. She’ll need some hugs, some encouragement, and from time to time even a little coaching. Keep listening well, and you’ll keep the conversation flowing. If you do so, you’ll have the opportunity for teachable moments even in the midst of this hurt.
So first, you identify with your daughter’s hurt—her feeling left out and upset that one of her girlfriends said something unkind. “Wow, no wonder you were crying,” you say. “I’d cry too. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Middle school girls can be really mean sometimes, even if they are supposed to be your friends.”
Then you rub her arm or give her a hug and say, “Seems like you’ve got a couple of choices right now, huh? You can take what she said to heart and curl up and hide out in your bedroom. Or you can gather that strength from within that I know you have . . . and keep moving forward with a smile.”
Let me tell you, middle school girls can spot any hint of weakness a mile away, and they’ll pounce on it. But they don’t know what to do with someone who takes negative comments with a lighthearted air, replies, “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” and then moves on from there.
Think of it this way. Everything in life is generated from the attitudes of the heart. And those attitudes begin in the home. Is your home the centerpiece of your daughter’s heart? Is she comfortable there and able to retreat for short periods during the storms of life, only to reemerge stronger?
Strength comes from within and starts with the home environment. If your daughter is solidly entrenched in the safety of your home and in your relationship, she can weather anything . . . even middle school girls. I know it, because my wife, Sande, and I have helped shepherd four daughters through that time period and lived to tell about it.
Warring Siblings
Q: My 7-year-old son is being tormented by his older sister, who’s 10, and frequently runs to me, crying for help. She says he’s always crying and then tries to get her in trouble, which is often the result. My husband gets upset about the two kids always fussing with each other, yells at Maggie to stop picking on her brother, and sends her to her room. Davey’s often in tears in his daddy’s lap. Maggie gets angry and ends up trashing her room. Every night it’s the same replay, and I’m sick of it—sick of seeing the kids hurt each other, sick of hearing my husband yell. Help!
A: Those two kids have taken over your family with their dog and pony show. That “innocent” 7-year-old knows exactly what he’s doing—he’s playing both you and your husband.
Babies of the family can be manipulative and good at setting people up, especially their siblings. All they have to do is breathe the words “My sister is picking on me” when they run to Dad or Mom, and you’ll adopt full battle gear to protect them. So you go in without knowing the full story and give Maggie a piece of your mind (or your husband does).
Did either of you ever ask, “What led Maggie to pick on you, Davey?” Chances are, he did something to annoy her and encourage that tormenting behavior.
But what do most parents say, even if the baby of the family is annoying? “I don’t care what he did. You’re the oldest. You ought to know better. I expect more out of you.” So the older child gets put down, no matter what happened.
As soon as you make yourself judge and jury over warring siblings, you’ve lost in sibling rivalry. They’ll just amp up the fight because they’ve got an audience.
Fighting is, at its core, an act of cooperation. Your kids are cooperating with each other to pick the fight and continue it. If you weren’t in the room, most fights wouldn’t continue because there’s no fun in it without manipulating Mom or Dad.
Here’s an easy way to separate the wheat from the chaff and bring civility back to your jungle-like current atmosphere. When Davey runs to you and says, “Maggie’s picking on me,” take a step back from the little tattletale. Raise an eyebrow and say, “Really? Well, I’m sure the two of you can work it out between you.” Then walk away into another room.
Because his tactics have worked before, Davey will run after you. His pleas will get louder. You simply state, “I’m sure the two of you can work it out.” Then you disappear into another room where he can’t follow and shut the door.
Shocked silence will result. Those few words will take the wind right out of his sails. It’ll stop the fight even before it starts.
You can also stash the two warring siblings in the same room. “You two have something to work out,” you tell them. “I don’t want you to leave this room until you come up with a solution to the problem together.” Then you close the door and walk away.
Of course, if your kids have a tendency toward physical violence, or if one is a lot larger than the other, keep a close eye and ear on the room without them realizing it, to make sure they’re both safe.
Most of the time deafening silence reigns, and both kids are sheepish and embarrassed. You might even hear a couple muffled echoes of “Sorry.”
But—and here’s the big one, parent—just because they ended this one sibling battle without engaging in war doesn’t mean that life returns to normal. If you adopt that plan, the skirmishes will continue.
That night you say, “I’m glad the two of you were able to work that out. But I have to tell you, I’m so disappointed in you and your behavior. We’d planned to go to the water park tomorrow, but we’re canceling that outing. Until the two of you learn to get along and show your father and me that you can do so, we won’t do fun things like the water park.”
Right now it may seem like your son is the one hurting because he’s getting picked on. But don’t be fooled. It’s very likely your cherub got what he deserved from his sister. Yet he’s counting on the fact that you’ll protect and back him no matter what, so he gets away with everything. Allowing him to continue to manipulate won’t help him with any relationship in the long term. Someone—you or your husband—needs to be a truth teller. “You’re saying your sister picks on you a lot. What exactly are you doing that makes her want to act that way?”
Your daughter is hurting because she’s always the one who gets in trouble no matter who starts the fight, because she’s older. Life seems very unfair, and it is. Since she has her own part in the fight—picking on her younger brother—you need to even the playing field. Have a little conversation. “Sometimes your little brother seems over-the-top, doesn’t he? He gets away with a lot, and that’s not fair.”
Maggie is nodding. Hey, she thinks, finally someone understands me.
Then you deliver the teachable moment. “You two get into each other’s faces a lot these days. Yes, he can be a pain in the keister sometimes. But I think I know what may be going on. I could be wrong, but I’m wondering . . . do you feel bad about yourself for some reason? Is that why you have to pick on your brother—to make yourself feel better? Does picking on him and putting him down make you feel better? If so, that’s not a good way to live, because putting others down won’t make you feel better in the long run.”
Power struggles between siblings can lead to a lot of hurt in the family unless the ball is served into the right court. If physical danger is involved, you should step in immediately. Otherwise, don’t get in the middle. Let the kids solve their own problems, and those issues can disappear like wisps in the wind without you as an audience.
Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated . . . especially by that charming baby in your family.
Gossip or Bullying?
Q: My 15-year-old came home from school yesterday crushed and crying. She’d seen a group chat about her:
“She’s not even that pretty.”
“Or that smart either.”
“Guess she’s got something going for her.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?”
“She’s only an A-cup.”
“I barely even know these girls,” Annalisa told me. “Why are they picking on me?”
I feel so bad for her. I didn’t learn until later last night—from another mom—that the comments got much worse than that. I don’t know if my daughter knows yet how bad they got. I’m burning inside, wanting to defend her. When should I step in, and when should I butt out and let her handle things?
A: There’s a simple answer to the question “Why are they picking on me?” Here it is: “Because they can.”
Even a step into high school makes you like a duck in the sky in hunting season. You can be completely innocent and still get targeted.
However, not every duck is completely innocent. Your daughter might be a target for a reason. Even if she doesn’t know the other girls well, she might unwittingly have done something to incur the wrath of the Alpha Girl who started the chat. By that, I mean she might have looked the wrong way at the other girl’s boyfriend. She might have had the audacity to say hello to him in history class, and that’s what kicked off the jealousy.
Kids are stupid and jealous. Combined with teenage hormones, that can be a deadly combination in the peer group. Adolescents react at a visceral level. They’ll say and do anything. The concept of “responding”—taking in information and evaluating it before acting—isn’t even in their vocabulary.
But let me make something very clear. Saying your daughter isn’t pretty is one thing, and it’s common when every girl is competing to be that Alpha Girl. It’s hurtful, yes, but it’ll blow over. Those girls will find somebody else to pick on tomorrow. (Every high schooler begins her day with one prayer: “God, please let them find somebody else to pick on today.”)
It’s another thing to talk about bra size. That’s unacceptable. But today’s adolescents have never developed their filters on anything, including sexual references. I’m not surprised the group chat degraded further. I know a girl who was called a slut simply because she smiled at the most popular boy in high school. A girl who liked him started a rumor about her sleeping around with five boys on the football team.
If the conversation descends to that kind of level, it’s time to rally the forces. By that, I mean you contact the school principal, explain the situation and who’s involved, and calmly state and show the evidence so that the parties (kids and parents alike) can gather on neutral ground to discuss exactly what has happened and decide appropriate next steps.
In situations like this, most parents are quick to jump to the bullying bandwagon. However, for the term bullying to truly apply, not only does the action have to be repeated, but an inequality has to be present (for example, a much larger kid on one side, or a group against a single child). In this case, it’s a group against a single child, but there’s no repeated pattern between your daughter and the girl group—at least that you know of.
Here’s what I’d do for now. Say gently to her, “I see how upset you are. I’d love to be able to help. But I don’t have a clue how to do that until I know exactly what happened. Any background info you can give me would help. If you don’t want to talk, that’s okay too. I understand. But when you’re ready to talk, I’m here. Come find me and I’ll be all ears.”
Never badger a kid to talk. Sometimes kids are reluctant to narc on each other, even if they are hurting. If your daughter doesn’t want to talk, respect that wish. But be alert and ready for an opening where you can try again.
If and when your daughter decides to talk, shut your mouth and listen. You may be shocked about the details of what you hear. Kids are kids, and they’ll say mean things without thinking of any consequences to themselves or others. But you don’t want to be the parent in a parent/child/principal meeting who hears for the first time what your child did—even if minimally—to provoke Alpha Girl’s wrath. If the situation escalates, you want to have all the information in your back pocket before the forces gather.
However, for now, what your daughter needs most is some TLC and a listening ear from the home front.
Retreating and Cranky
Q: I’m concerned about my 11-year-old. He’s a sweet boy and very interactive. But ever since he entered middle school, he’s retreated from us and become cranky. When I ask him about his day, he fires back, “Okay,” then heads to his room and shuts the door. Once or twice he’s smacked the wall in the hall on the way. He doesn’t come out until he smells dinner.
What happened to the happy kid who always wanted hugs and used to talk nonstop after school? It’s like he’s completely morphed personalities. Worse, somebody else had to tell me he didn’t make the football team. What’s going on? Am I losing my son?
A: From your concerns and questions, I assume this is your first time around the track with an adolescent. No, you’re not losing your son. This is normal behavior for an 11-year-old boy. All boys that age are working hard to figure out exactly who they are, apart from being a chick in your nest.
Boys especially face a tough, competitive world, and your son has come face-to-face with that reality. He needs a good dose of Vitamin E—encouragement—from you, especially since he’s been rejected. Worse, it’s a public rejection. His peers know he tried out for the football team but didn’t make it. That paints a big L for loser on his forehead . . . all at a time when he’s learning how to swim amid a bunch of sharks who feast on the weakest shark.
Part of becoming a young man is gaining a man’s competitive edge, and your son has had the rug pulled out from under him at a critical time. Every time he sees that football team practice, his inadequacy is emblazoned right in front of him.
What can you do? Gently encourage other talents and interests that he has, such as gaming, bowling, or fixing up an old car. Spending a little money on projects like those will be way better than repairing drywall in the house after he punches holes in the hallways. Having a positive activity to focus on will help redirect his anger and discouragement. So get creative. Think about what your son enjoys.
As far as isolating himself and not wanting to talk to his parental units, welcome to the world of adolescence. Get used to it. Just be glad for the times he does want to talk, and listen up. But it doesn’t mean you take guff from him either.
At this low point in his life, your son doesn’t need a fake rah-rah cheerleader with pom-poms, nor does he need a hovercraft. Do yourself and him a favor. Don’t ask him questions. Those only manage to shut him off.
Don’t play the “fix him” game either. Most parents’ knee-jerk reaction to a child getting hurt is trying to come up with a panacea, such as, “So you got cut from the football team. Maybe you could go out for bowling.” There is no panacea for your son’s hurt. He has to work through it himself.
Give him the time to feel the blow and lick his wounds. Acknowledge the hurt. “I can tell you’re really hurt right now. If you’re not ready to talk about it, that’s okay. Just know I’m here if you need a listening ear.” He needs your support and understanding, and to know you’re in his court but not crowding him.
Sexually Active?
Q: I overheard my 14-year-old daughter talking with her friends about how to know if you’re pregnant and how to get birth control pills. I admit I’m worried, especially since I married at 17 because I was pregnant with her, and my marriage didn’t work out.
Melanie seems less talkative and more distracted lately too—much different than her usual bubbly self. When I try to ask her if she’s upset about something, she only says, “I’m okay, Mom, don’t worry.” Saying “don’t worry” instead of telling me what’s bothering her actually worries me more, since we used to talk all the time about everything.
Any tips? I don’t want her to go down the same road I did.
A: You have valid concerns. Today’s teens are becoming sexually active at an early age (middle school being a prime target for sexual exploration), but most girls really don’t want to get pregnant.
I say most girls because some who have an intense craving for love and acceptance believe that a child—someone always by their side who belongs solely to them—will provide a connection that is otherwise lacking in their lives. But such a fairy tale usually comes with the dream of a knight in shining armor also by their side.
Other girls have an intense craving for a guy’s attention because they didn’t have their daddy’s love growing up. I call it “daddy deficit disorder”—a desire for male warmth, connection, and protection. It can be so strong that it overrides common sense.
Panicking or jumping to conclusions may be very tempting right now, but that’s not the answer. Getting on your soapbox about what it’s like to be a pregnant, unwed teen won’t do your daughter any good, even if you were one. To truly understand a situation, you have to step directly into another person’s shoes, and you don’t want your daughter to be in your old shoes.
It’s likely that Melanie, at age 14, has probably already had a sex ed class. That covered the basics, but middle school girls are filled with curiosity and questions. Their bodies are changing, and they’re noticing the physical development of older boys. Your daughter has also been bombarded with sex ed “facts”—most of which aren’t true—from her peers and the internet. Her questions might be a part of her natural research.
But there’s also a possibility that your cute daughter caught the eye of a 16-year-old boy, and she might be infatuated with his attention. Put together a 14-year-old hormonal girl who is lacking a daddy’s affection and a 16-year-old testosterone-laden male, and some things will happen. None of them are very good. Your daughter doesn’t have enough life experience to know that yet, so you need a way of approaching her no-fly zone with appropriate conversation.
At this point if your daughter isn’t asking you directly, she probably isn’t open to your direct opinion or input. After all, no adolescent is interested in having knowledge of their parents’ sex life. I still remember realizing, “Ew, you mean my parents really did that to have me?”
Of course, there are plenty of internet and magazine articles available about contraception, not to mention all the gossip she hears from her girlfriends. Giving her a lecture about being careful not to get pregnant won’t do anything . . . except ruin the potential for a good discussion once she’s open to talking. But you can still provide realistic, quality information to combat the myths. A well-placed magazine article or two in your reading stash in the family room isn’t a bad idea. Kids are naturally voyeuristic.
Or you might casually say over hot chocolate, “Hey, it’s been a long time since I was 14. But today I saw an article that made me wonder if it was true. It said 4 out of 10 eighth-grade girls have had some kind of sexual experience. Do you think that’s true or not?” It’s a way to open the discussion if she wants to get some input from you but doesn’t know how to frame her questions.
Or you can adopt the straightforward method. “I’ve got to be honest with you. Last time we talked, you said, ‘Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.’ Well, I am worried. I overheard you talking with your girlfriends about birth control pills. Since you’re asking them, I think it would be wise for you and I to have a frank discussion about birth control pills. I know this isn’t an easy topic to talk about for you—or for me. But you’re mature enough now to have this conversation.”
If she interrupts or says she has to go somewhere, you have to be firm. “Before you or I go anywhere else, we need to have this conversation. It’s too important not to.”
This is the principle I call “B doesn’t happen until A is completed.” What’s more important should never get ousted by a lesser event, including shopping with a girlfriend.
So you continue. “I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of information about pregnancy and birth control pills. Some of it is true. Some of it is false. You deserve the best out of life, and that includes knowing the facts about birth control. I’ve been on it at times in my life, and I know what it’s like. There are lots of forms of contraception. . . .” And you proceed to describe the different types.
You end with, “I don’t know everything about this subject. If you know other things we haven’t discussed, I’d love it if you’d share those facts with me. What I do know is that I love you. I want to answer questions you might have about these topics. If you choose to share those with me, I promise not to freak out or jump to any conclusions.
“This is a very critical subject for me, because you matter deeply to me. It’s easy to fall for the feel-good emotions when a boy likes you. But if we all went through life just following our feelings, we’d be in trouble.
“Pregnancy is life changing. I know, because I got pregnant at 17, and the result was you. I wouldn’t ever change that you are on this planet or that you’re my child. But you know it hasn’t been easy for either of us without a daddy. Your daddy was 17 too, and he wasn’t ready to be a father.
“Nobody loves you more than me. And I want you to someday have a wonderful, loving relationship with a guy who will protect you and stay with you. You deserve that. That means you don’t have to give away anything—like your virginity or even a kiss—to get love.”
Your daughter may fidget in embarrassment or pretend like she didn’t hear you and flee the scene as soon as she can. But trust me, she heard you. She’ll be processing everything that you, the most important person to her, said . . . behind the closed doors of her bedroom.
I would also make sure to thank her for listening to you and make an admiring comment about her maturity in doing so. Because you were honest, confirmed your love for her, and didn’t preach, you’ve kept the communication doors open. When she’s ready to talk, she’ll be much more likely to converse with you to get the straight scoop. And if there is an older boy with his eye on her, she’s got some additional ammunition for saying no to anything other than his verbal flattery.
In today’s world, a lot of kids do have a sexual experience at an early age. But just because it happens often doesn’t mean it’s good physically or psychologically for the parties involved. Those who say otherwise have never experienced the agonizing betrayal of a breakup or the pain and fear of an STD.
On this subject, stand firm, Mom. There’s too much at stake to do otherwise.
Angry Loner
Q: My son had a good group of friends for elementary and middle school. They went to different high schools but still hung out a lot together on the weekends their freshman year, mainly creating new songs for the band that practiced—loudly!—in our garage.
That summer Ryan, Andrew’s longtime best friend, committed suicide. Nobody saw it coming, and everybody was devastated. The friend group drifted apart. Andrew got mad on the first day of school and smashed the guitar he used to play.
Since then he’s become a loner. It’s now several months into his sophomore year, and he hasn’t made new friends. He’s become secretive and closemouthed. He often sits in the dark in his room.
Is this his way to work through his friend’s death—or something else? How can I know? How can I help? When should I step in, and when should I allow things to run their course, to let him work out his feelings on his own?
A: Your son’s had a big hit at a volatile time, so no wonder he’s reeling. Losing a best friend is rough for any adolescent. He’s had the same group of friends for most of his life, and then they all go different ways. Though that’s a natural progression, especially between middle school and high school, parting from friends and having to make new ones isn’t easy.
But the reason for the loss and Ryan’s type of death make the loss even more difficult to deal with. Andrew is going through the stages of grief.
Stage 1 is disbelief: How could this happen to me, to my friend? Why would he do something like that? It is difficult for those who have not entertained suicidal thoughts themselves to understand how someone would be so discouraged and at the end of their rope that they no longer want to live.
Stage 2 is guilt: How come I didn’t see it coming, when he was my best friend? Could I have done anything to stop it?
Stage 3 is anger and revenge: How could my friend do this to me? I hate him. Life isn’t fair! That’s when Andrew smashed his guitar. It was likely the link that reminded him most of his buddy and also the band and the fun times they’d had together.
Stage 4 is withdrawal: Why try? Nothing turns out the way I want it to anyway. Everybody I love will leave me anyway. I give up. Andrew sitting in the dark and becoming secretive and quiet are evidences of this stage. But let me note here that all adolescents have their times of keeping secrets from their parents and withdrawing when they feel overwhelmed. They’ll also flare up if you enter their space without invitation. All that is normal hormonal teenage behavior. But if you see a continued disinterest in life, food, friends, and grades (all signs of psychological struggle), it’s time to take action.
Think about how difficult it is for us as adults to grasp the devastation of a suicide of someone close to us. Now think back to when you were a teenager—that tumultuous time of hormone changes, school upheavals, friend betrayals, self-esteem hits, etc. See why it’s even harder for a teenager to grapple with the suicide of a friend?
So what should you do with Andrew? It’s time to sensitively step in since your son clearly shows signs of stages 3 and 4 of grief. It’s one thing to be angry. It’s another thing to strike out and destroy property, even if it’s his own. That’s way out of bounds for what’s appropriate in responding to a life crisis. But you don’t start by harping on him about destroying his guitar. He’s probably already thought that through himself at least a time or two: Wow, that was stupid. And I really liked playing the guitar. Instead you start by saying, “You know, Andrew, I’ve been brooding about something for a while and need to talk to somebody about it. I wonder if you’d be so kind as to lend me your ear for a few minutes.”
When you approach him in this nonthreatening, will-you-help-me kind of way, even the most withdrawn of kids isn’t likely to say no. With your wording, you are saying that you respect him and his thinking, and you respect his opinion enough to ask for it. Most adults don’t ask for opinions from kids. They lecture them as if they are two-year-olds on what they should do.
When you know you’ve got his attention, you say, “I can’t stop thinking about Ryan. He must have been in so much pain to take his life. His death seems so senseless to me, and I don’t know what to do with the feelings of sadness I have. I know you were really close to him. Could you maybe help me process my thoughts and feelings about this? I’m coming up blank, but I still feel depressed about it, even though it’s been a couple of months now. Do you understand what happened?”
Such gentle conversation will put you and Andrew on the same “adult” playing field because you are inviting your son to help you. The fact is, Andrew has no answers for what happened either. He’s as stupefied as you are. He’s never seen a 15-year-old in a casket before. Before this, suicide was just a word to him—something he saw on the news. Then suddenly suicide became a real, close, personal experience.
Any conversation you have regarding the tragedy of suicide in general, therefore, is useless. It has to be personal. Worrying about your son who is sitting in the dark isn’t useful either. Engaging him in conversation is.
Andrew may not be ready to talk at this time. If not, accept that. Tell him, “You may not have any answers either, and if that’s the case, I understand. It helped to be able to share my sadness with you.”
If he isn’t talking in a few days or a week, you might want to revisit the conversation by saying, “You know, I was thinking about our conversation last Thursday. Thanks for listening to me. That was really important. As hard as talking about Ryan’s suicide is, I honestly did feel better after talking to you. I know he was your friend, and I care what you think. Sharing my thoughts made me feel a little lighter.”
That’s a commercial announcement in your own home, saying, Hey, things get better when we can talk about them and share the burden. If you approach Andrew in such a way, he might bite on that and follow through with more discussion on his own timetable. With teenagers, timing for discussion is everything.
Note that you’re not saying, “Hey, kid, you better start talking.” Nor are you demanding, “I want to know. What do you think happened? How are you feeling about it? Have you ever felt like ending your life?” Peppering an adolescent with questions is the fastest way to shut him down.
If Andrew doesn’t respond to several attempts of conversation—spaced over a couple of weeks—and continues withdrawing from life, it’s time to seek the help of a professional.
There’s something you need to know about anger. When it is turned inward, it can become dangerous and even deadly. Every person who takes their own life is angry. That anger, not dealt with, led to the ultimate revenge tactic—suicide. If you see anger in your own child and he’s demonstrating it with things like smashing his guitar, that’s a reason for concern. You need to pay attention. Boys and girls both attempt suicide, but boys are more likely to succeed in those attempts. That’s because they often choose harsher, more violent means—ones there is no coming back from—whereas girls are more likely to swallow pills, which can be rectified if caught in time.
Have that conversation with your son today if possible. If he doesn’t talk, try again in a few days. If that attempt doesn’t work, seek professional counseling immediately. He won’t like getting hauled into a shrink’s office, but your doing so will show him, if nothing else, how concerned you are for his welfare. That’s at least a starting place to address his grief.
Could She Be Depressed?
Q: Rachel’s almost 18. She’s always been artistic and expressive and has coped well with life. However, this past year her sweet temperament has become explosive. She swings from high to low frequently and cries five to six times a day. Sometimes she doesn’t shower for days. She doesn’t return calls from her friends. She only sits in her room. When I asked her why, she said, “Mom, I don’t know why. I just feel sad.”
Could she be depressed? Does she need depression medicine?
Other times she acts like she’s high on a caffeine buzz and doesn’t sleep for a couple of days.
What exactly is going on? Does she need medical help?
A: A high school senior crying every once in a while because she feels sad is a normal, healthy response. However, crying jags of five to six times a day is not. Frequent swings from high to low like you’re describing aren’t typical behavior either.
A visit to a gynecologist who deals with hormone imbalances would be a good start. Testing will show if she needs any assistance with hormone imbalances, since they could greatly affect her physical condition and emotional state. If more assistance is needed, the doctor can also make referrals to other trusted professionals, such as psychologists or psychiatrists, for further evaluation.
As a psychologist, I wasn’t an MD, and thus I didn’t prescribe medicine. I provided counseling. In select cases, I referred my patients to psychiatrists, who were MDs, or back to their family doctors. In most of those situations, I knew there was something off center about the clients who walked in. There was a lack of connection, a nonresponsive attitude, a lack of caring about life or anything that happened to them. Some of those kids needed antidepressants.
The kids I referred, though, were rare ones I knew needed more help than my counseling could give them. Those kids were usually older teens—seniors in high school or in their first couple of years of college. Typically, it wasn’t the students themselves who called for the appointment. It was their parents who phoned and begged me to meet with the kid.
“Something’s off,” the parent would say. “When I ask her what she did after school, she says, ‘Nothing.’ She isn’t sleeping well. She has a lot of mood swings. Could you meet with her?”
That’s your role right now, parent. Your daughter needs you to be her advocate.
Most schools are well stocked with professionals who are skilled in dealing with such matters. Now is the time to consult them. Your daughter may not be happy you talked to someone else about her, but her well-being is at stake. Sometimes assistance is accepted more easily if it’s from a third party. So talk to the professionals. Get some appointments set up with a gynecologist and a counselor. Let them help you with the next steps.
If there is an onset of mental illness in a child’s life, frequently it will develop in the late teenage years—18, 19, even early 20s. That hits the college-age group. Why are these years the target? So much about mental illness remains a mystery, but we do know that the onset of schizophrenia and manic depression starts about that time because of the psychological makeup and development of human beings. A kid can still be depressed before that time, but the more serious mental illnesses begin during those ages. The male brain, for example, isn’t fully developed until about age 25.
The abrupt changes you’re seeing in your daughter are a red flag. She needs help for whatever is going on, and in her state she’s not likely to seek it out herself. She needs you to intervene. Her classes at school are not as important as her well-being.
Step up to the plate now. The stakes are high. Anything you go through for your daughter’s sake is well worth it.
Sexting Scandal
Q: I’m furious, and my 16-year-old’s really hurting. She did something admittedly stupid—snapped a picture of herself shirtless and sent it to her boyfriend, who’d asked for it. But then he group-texted it to his friends. I found out when a teacher spotted it and called me as the parent of the photo’s originator.
I’m in shock. I can’t believe she did that in the first place. And I’m angry that her boyfriend passed something so private to other parties. My daughter’s so embarrassed she says she’ll never go to school again. What to do?
A: No doubt your daughter is devastated, and rightfully so. She did something stupid, and now she’s paying for it with a lot of embarrassment in a dog-eat-dog adolescent world.
What can you do? Well, you can’t turn back time and change the situation. That picture, even if you demand its removal, is out there for all eternity on the web or in somebody’s saved pics. Nor can you change the fact that her boyfriend is a hormone-laden boy who shared the picture to up his competitive edge with the male population.
So where do you start? It makes sense to start with your daughter, the originator of the act. If she hadn’t taken the photo, it wouldn’t be out there circulating, would it?
You might think what I’m going to say next is a bit cruel, but bear with me. After you’ve caught your breath and calmed your own anger, you need to have a candid conversation with your daughter. “In the past, you’ve always used good judgment. However, in this situation, I’m disappointed in your lack of judgment. How you thought that taking such a picture would be okay in the first place is beyond my reasoning. Even if your boyfriend asked for it, that doesn’t mean you should give it to him.”
Yes, your words will sting. Your daughter already knows you’re disappointed in her, and kids hate for their parents to be disappointed in them. Tears will likely be flowing now if they weren’t already, but buck up, parent. Nobody said parenting is easy. To protect that daughter of yours from future trauma, your words and actions in this case are critical. Your daughter has already learned a big lesson the tough way in today’s social media–driven culture. Your job isn’t to rub her nose in it but to bring a dash of reality that will impact what she does from now on.
You add, “I know that taking and sending that picture was probably a spur-of-the-moment thing. We’ve all done those stupid kinds of things. But some, like this one, have bigger consequences that you’ll have to live with. We’ve tried to bring you up with values and morals. But I’m wondering at this point what your own values, morals, and guidelines are.”
If she’s like most kids, she hasn’t really thought about adopting morals, values, and guidelines for herself, separate from the ones you’ve reared her with that linger in the back of her head. Likely she flies with the wind. Snapping the picture in the first place and then sending it are both examples of her following her feelings instead of thinking through the situation first. In today’s dangerous world, now is the time to right the ship that’s going in the wrong direction before it runs into an iceberg and sinks.
You can use this situation as a teachable moment to address the following topics:
Then you also need to address her ever-present reality. It’s easy to understand why she doesn’t want to return to school. But again, in order for this life lesson to stick and make her think through her future decisions more carefully, state the facts kindly but firmly.
“I thoroughly understand why you don’t want to go back to that school. If I were you, I wouldn’t want to show my head around that place either. But honestly, there aren’t a lot of other choices where we live. We can’t afford the private school down the street. But you know what? You’re a strong kid. You’ve shown evidence of that all throughout your life. Remember when . . . [share a time your daughter stood strong when times were tough]? Wow, that showed me you can overcome anything. So here’s the deal. You’ll continue in school there.”
She’ll likely start to protest.
You add, “But you and I are going to work on some ready-made answers that you can give when people say things to you. For example, if someone refers to that picture, you respond with your head held high. ‘Wow, talk about being dumb. I was dumber than mud to do that. That’ll never happen again, ever.’ That’s a positive statement that simply says, ‘Lesson learned.’ And life moves on. You don’t act beaten down or embarrassed. You’re smart enough not to let anyone get the best of you. If you admit you did something dumb, the kids who want to hold the picture over your head won’t have any leverage to try to make you miserable. Hold out for a few days by doing that, and soon the posse will move on to some other unlucky victim.”
By doing this, your daughter admits her mistake, rises above it, and becomes committed to acting differently in the future.
Now, what about that boyfriend? I can see the steam rising from your ears as I mention the kid. After this, it isn’t likely the two are a pair anymore. A betrayal like that and the stars in your daughter’s eyes have dimmed. (If not, you need another conversation about what she should put up with in a relationship and what to look for in a guy.) That boy needs to be dealt with in a meeting with the principal of the school and both sets of parents in the room. You don’t need to press charges or cause any more ruckus—kids will do stupid things. But that boy needs to feel the sting of his actions so he doesn’t do this again with another hapless girl.
You also need to make sure the photo is deleted from your daughter’s phone and her boyfriend’s phone. The problem is, if the boy had an inner circle of 20 guys always texting and it’s a group thing, now 20 of his friends have the photo too. So do what you can through the school to track and insist that it be deleted from all their devices too.
The possibility remains that the photo may rear its head sometime in your daughter’s future. Electronic pics travel at the speed of light—especially photos like that with adolescent boys. Most boys would fire it around like nobody’s business, even download and make copies of it. So act quickly to quell any further distribution of the picture.
Then you have to calm down and let life return to normal. Believe it or not, it will. Hopefully your daughter is much wiser now about social media . . . and the maturity level of her next potential boyfriend.
She Hates Me and Wants to Live with Her Daddy
Q: I’ve just come out on the other side—finally—of a very messy divorce. My husband yelled a lot and made life intense for me and the kids. We all started showing signs of stress. For instance, one of my kids who had been potty trained for a year started wetting the bed again. When he slapped me once in the middle of a fight, I decided it was time to get out. My number one priority was to protect my kids and give them the best life possible, meaning their physical and emotional safety first.
According to the court, we share custody, but my ex decided he wanted the kids only in the summers. By the time the first summer came, he had a live-in girlfriend. He said she didn’t want kids underfoot, so he took a pass. I was glad the kids could stay with me, in a more stable environment.
My three younger kids (now 3, 4, and 5) don’t mention their daddy at all. I’m not even sure they remember him. But my 11-year-old will barely talk to me. She’s very angry. She says that the divorce is all my fault and she hates me. She wants to go live with her daddy. That really hurts, and I don’t understand it. Would you give me some perspective?
A: All parties involved in a divorce come out hurting—particularly the children. Dads are huge in a daughter’s life, so it’s no surprise she’s saying what she is. She’s suffering from “daddy hunger.” Unlike the other kids, she remembers him being in your home. Because she longs for him to be home, she’s likely built up a fairy-tale world in her mind. She remembers the good experiences—when her daddy threw her up in the air, caught her, and laughed with her, for example—and has built a make-believe world around that.
How good things would be, she thinks, if Mom and Dad would get back together, and we’ll all live happily ever after.
You’re the problem, she believes. You broke up with her dad. You could get him back if you wanted, but you won’t try. It’s all your fault.
Trying to combat your daughter’s thinking won’t get you anywhere. She’ll merely work harder to turn that ex-husband of yours into the father of the year. Arguing that he does this and that won’t make a dent in her determined psyche to get her father back into her life somehow. You also can’t change the legal document that says he has a right to see his kids.
Your daughter might be throwing out “I hate you and I want to go live with Dad” as an anger management tool. She might also feel bad that Dad is by himself, with none of his original family, and that you have all four kids. She may be, in a strange but predictable way, trying to even things out. Or she may be using you and your ex against each other to gain sympathy or something she wants.
Regardless of her motives, right now it’s impossible for your daughter psychologically to appreciate what you’ve gone through to keep your family intact. But you can at least initiate a conversation. A few fragments might stick for her to ruminate on.
“I know you’ve expressed a couple of times that you’re displeased with me and that you want to live with your father. I know this divorce hasn’t been easy on you, or any of us. However, the fact that you want to live with your dad concerns me for a couple of reasons. First, I’ve gone to a lot of time and effort to keep you and your siblings together, because I believe that’s a good idea. Second, Dad’s yelling can get out of control when he’s stressed. That worries me because I don’t want to see you treated that way.”
Let me clarify an important point here, Mom. It’s critical that you understand this before you decide on your next steps. Yelling every once in a while is different from being verbally abusive. We’re all human. We get angry and upset sometimes. But occasionally losing our temper and yelling because we’re stressed is far different from a pattern of denigrating others with words. Those who abuse in such a way feel bad about themselves, so they put others down to try to make themselves feel better. It’s a vicious cycle that injures both parties.
If your ex is verbally abusive, you can never allow your 11-year-old to make the decision of where she wants to live. Your answer is firm. “Living with your dad full-time is not an option. However, if you want to see him, you can give him a call and arrange a time to get together.” If he reneged on the summer option and has a new girlfriend, he may not even find a time to get together. Your problem is solved without you having to utter a word.
But if your ex simply loses his temper at times and does life differently from you, give your daughter the opportunity to live with him. “If you truly want to live with your dad, give him a call and tell him that. See what he says. If he agrees, then you would go to live there for a year. At the end of that year, you’d have the chance to change that option. But you couldn’t go for a few weeks or a month and then come back home. If you go, you’d stay there for an entire school year.”
The worst thing for middle schoolers is to bounce back and forth from home to home like a Ping-Pong ball served from one court to the other. They need consistency, and they won’t get that when they spend most of their time in the air between locations. She also needs to know, at age 11, that her decisions matter. Just because she changes her mind doesn’t mean others will adapt to what she wants. Otherwise, you’ll create a teenager who thinks she can wave her pinkie willy-nilly and get others to cater to her every wish.
Let’s say she does call her dad. With his track record, he’s likely to stammer out a shocked “I’ll think about it” and put off the decision, hoping she’ll change her mind. When he ends up saying no, she’ll be crushed and hurting, but it’s not your fault that her dad rejected her. Reality did the talking and straightened out her thinking. Now she needs a good dose of mommy love in the form of a hug.
You, Mom, are her stable home. In this situation, you need to be patient. Let time pass, and your daughter will probably see her dad’s true colors—or she may not. Even if you are the mother of the year, she may defend her father for all sorts of reasons. She might feel sorry for him, believe he’s the weaker parent, or worry that he’s lonely. He may have been a terrible father and husband, but he’s still your daughter’s father. You can’t control what he does or what happens in his home, but you can have a significant influence over what happens in your own.
Caught Cheating
Q: My oldest son was caught cheating on a big exam a couple of weeks ago. His private high school is very picky about things like that, so they immediately suspended him. It got worse when they found out a group of students were involved. They issued an ultimatum to Carter: “Tell us who else is involved and we’ll discipline but not expel you. Don’t tell us and we’ll expel you.”
We’re in shock. Why would our straight-A student cheat and be part of an organized cheating scheme? Even more, he’s refusing to say who else is involved or who started it. We’re stupefied. Why would he put group loyalty to a bunch of high schoolers over potentially getting expelled? I know he’s hurting and embarrassed, but his decision right now can make the difference in his college options.
We know what we would do, but how can we force him to make the right decision if he won’t talk? Worse, it happened near the end of his junior year, when he was starting to think about what colleges to apply to. There’s a month left of school. Should we try to stall the administration until it’s summer, to see if they’ll change their mind or if our son will decide to tell who’s involved?
A: First of all, you can’t force any kid to talk who doesn’t want to talk, so give up that notion right now. In fact, the more you try to encourage your son to talk, the tighter he’ll clamp his mouth shut merely to spite you. Also, his private high school is right to be “picky” about cheating. Cheating is rampant in schools. Better to learn the lesson about honesty and integrity earlier in life than later. Good for the school for holding their students to high standards.
Let me ask you a question: whose problem is this really—yours or your son’s? Sure, you’re embarrassed. But who is the sole individual who will be most impacted by this in the future? Your son. If you continue to try to solve this problem for him, he won’t learn anything, and worse things will happen in the future because he got off scot-free.
Carter is about to learn a huge lesson in life . . . the hard way. Noble as it sounds not to be the high school narc, he is making a grievous mistake. Other kids who cheated with him will go off to the colleges of their choice and do what they want to do. He won’t be able to do that, because he’ll get expelled. A switch in schools and the reason for it will show up on his permanent records, which all college administrators see. You think a football team would want to scout him then? A med school? A business university? Your son is trading what he thinks is popularity—very fleeting in high school circles—for his future.
What should you do? Lay low. If he won’t talk, you can’t help him. Let the realities of the situation do the talking through natural consequences:
Carter might initially think that getting the last month of school off isn’t too bad. However, he’ll whistle a different tune when he finds out he’ll have to make up the course work elsewhere, and it’ll likely take him a lot longer. Even more so when you say, “Well, since school isn’t a part of the equation now, we expect you to get a job for this month and through the summer. So what’s your game plan?”
When he talks about colleges he’s going to apply to, you reply, “Well, good luck with that,” and go about your business.
Parent, if you don’t keep the ball in your son’s court now, you’ll make a fatal mistake. You’ll teach him that his actions don’t matter because you’ll always rescue him. Instead, he needs to feel the pain of his error in judgment. One mistake doesn’t mean life has ended, but it can certainly change the ball game.
That straight-A son of yours may end up working a job for a year or two and find out how tough earning a living really is, or he may go to a community college for a couple of years and have to work hard to dispel his cheating background so he can get accepted by a university.
If you let reality do the talking, you don’t have to lecture. Your blood pressure doesn’t rise. You don’t have to become the bad guy or gal to your son. Your home doesn’t become a war zone. And Carter learns through natural consequences how important honesty and integrity really are.
Before I sign off on this topic, I don’t want to miss addressing a critical element. Just why did your straight-A son cheat in the first place? Is it because he couldn’t say no to peer pressure? Because being part of a certain group was more important than the basic values you taught him at home? It’s likely that was a factor. If so, he’s a normal adolescent. Or was it because he was afraid of failing? That he feared he couldn’t meet your expectations on that particular test?
Firstborns are perfectionists, with high expectations of themselves. They also feel the heavy mantle of family expectations—your son was your guinea pig in parenting, so you heaped more pressures on him as a result. If you don’t believe that, think for a minute what your baby of the family gets away with as compared to your firstborn. Enough said?
Firstborns naturally feel the sting of parental criticism the most because they are primed to succeed. That means they also experience a deep worry of failure. Carter may have cheated because he feared failure . . . and subsequently disappointing you. If either of you, Mom or Dad, tends to criticize him, it’s time to confront your own high expectations with a reality check, especially now that the situation has changed. You may not like what your son has done, and it’s not your role to rescue him, but he still needs to feel your unconditional love and support. Part of that is having a frank conversation at a timely moment regarding why he chose to cheat.
Before you do that, take a realistic look in the mirror at your responses to your son. Are you over-the-top in your parental expectations? If so, now is the time to admit that to him and work together on solutions.
Grieving Stepchild
Q: This is a first marriage for me, but a second for my husband. His first wife, a good friend of mine, passed away when Jessi was 10 and Corey was 4. I feel very fortunate to have been first their beloved “auntie” who spent a lot of time with them, and now, two years later, their new “mom.”
The kids and I have always had a good relationship, but I can feel Jessi pulling away from me a bit since Jeff and I got married. I can’t quite put a finger on how our relationship changed, but I’m guessing it might be because now I’m in a mom role instead of the auntie she could laugh with and have fun with.
She’s still a really sweet girl, kind to me, and protective of her little brother. But I’ve heard her cry a couple of times in her room, peeked in, and seen her holding her mom’s photo. I never know whether to try to comfort her or leave her alone. I can never replace my friend or the mom she loves, but I want to be there for her.
When she’s grieving, how can I help? I miss my special friend too.
A: Kudos to you, because you already understand you can’t replace Jessi’s mom. Even better, you knew well and loved the person she also misses. The fact that Jessi is still sweet and kind to you shows that the two of you have a good, solid relationship invested in years of trust. You merely need to get over this little road bump. And due to the nature of grief, don’t be surprised if you hit a few more of these bumps.
When someone dies, loved ones often cope with their grief by not talking about the deceased person for fear of making someone in the family cry. But crying is really okay. Bottling up that sadness is not, for either of you. Sharing memories—sad ones, happy ones, goofy ones—is critically important to healing.
The next time Jessi is crying in her bedroom, I’d do this. Gently knock on the door and say, “Hey, may I come in for a minute?” Then sit on the edge of her bed, put your arm around her, and state the obvious. “You miss your mom, don’t you? Wow, we all miss her.”
At this point, Jessi will probably break down and cry. Hold that girl tighter. “Oh, Jessi, if you need to cry, that’s fine. I know you miss your mom. She knows you miss her.” Make that very important connection for a child. Then add, “I’m glad you love looking at her photos. I do too.” Point at the photo and say, “I remember when she . . .” Share a sweet memory of your departed friend, how much she meant to you, and how much she loved her kids.
“I find myself in tears sometimes too, missing her,” you tell Jessi. “So can we cut a deal? The next time you’re sad and you feel like you want somebody with you, come and get me and take my hand. Ditto when I need you. We can talk about anything you want to. We can remember your mom together. Does that sound okay to you?”
By responding in such a way, you are inviting her to grieve with you and to tell stories that may make you both cry but can lead to laughter and a closer bond. You also aren’t ignoring the elephant in the room and tiptoeing around it.
“Being honest and real is extremely important,” Lisa Beamer told me when we met at a shared publicity event. As the widow of 9/11 hero Todd Beamer, she had two young children and a baby on the way when she received the news of her husband’s death. “I didn’t want them to forget their daddy or how much he loved them.” Because her children were so young, she went out of her way to keep family photos scattered around the house at the children’s eye level. She wanted the kids to pick them up and look at their daddy.
Keeping photos scattered around the house of the kids with their mom and of you with your friend is a great idea. Pick them up every once in a while, smile, and tell a story. “I remember when this photo was taken. We were . . .”
Grief shared together truly is much lighter.
Sexual Abuse in the Family
Q: I was devastated recently to find out that my brother-in-law sexually abused my 8-year-old daughter when she was at his house on a sleepover with her cousin (who I just discovered has also been sexually abused by him). My sister knew her second husband “had a problem” but covered it up, thinking it was “only” a one-time thing. She says she didn’t want to ruin her second marriage—or her financial income—because of a single incident. I don’t want to ruin my sister’s life, but the safety of my child comes first.
I’m vitriolically angry—no other way to say it—that my innocent daughter had to experience such trauma in a place we thought was safe. She has become very fearful and cries a lot. She woke up screaming last night. We rushed in and found her cowering under the covers, hugging her knees.
Because it’s family, how do we handle this situation? My husband is very protective and wants to pursue it legally, as well as cut off all relationships with my sister and brother-in-law. No way do we want our daughter to have contact with him ever again, but what’s the right thing to do?
A: Sadly, most sexual abuse happens within the family—the place where children should be loved and protected most. Let me be clear. It’s a crime, not a one-time event. Don’t even think of deferring to your sister, who has her own issues for allowing such aberrant behavior to go on under her roof and then excusing it.
Your husband is right. You have to be hard and strong and go the legal route. That means contacting the police and also cutting that man off from any physical contact with your child. By taking those steps, you’re making a statement to your daughter that you believe her and back her, and that her safety is most important.
Nothing is worse than child abuse, in my view. Parents should take all the legal action they can, even if the perpetrator is a family member. Your daughter is only 8. She’s already showing psychological signs that she’s been deeply wounded by the trauma. She needs to talk about what happened not only with you, Mom and Dad, but with a trusted professional who can walk all of you through the stages of recovery. She will need support now and down the road in adolescence, when she starts developing physically.
It’s important to meet with a professional who is skilled in dealing with children who are sexually abused. There are many different types of sexual abuse, which need to be addressed accordingly. Sexual abuse can range from inappropriate touching to forcing a kid to have oral sex to actual penetration. At her age, your daughter may not even know how to describe exactly what happened to her, or she may choose to block it out.
You’ve married a smart man, so back him in all his actions to take the perpetrator to court. If you stick your head in the sand because of your sister, you’re doing her and everyone in your family—including that little cousin—a terrible disservice. Your sister needs psychological counseling as well.
This situation might ruin your relationship as sisters. But it also forces her to accept the reality of what’s been going on in her home and address the personal issues that allow her to excuse this type of behavior, and it provides the opportunity to protect her own child in the future.
Because there is a high probability that sexual abusers will be within the family—a parent, grandparent, uncle, aunt, or cousin—it’s wise to teach even very young children that private areas of their body are to be kept private and not be touched by anybody except a doctor on a doctor’s visit. An easy way that makes sense even to the youngest kids is establishing the sacredness of the “swimsuit line.” It’s a simple formula: nobody should touch anything that should be covered by a swimsuit.
Stick to your guns on this one. I know it’s going to be tough, especially because other family members may not understand and think you’re being too hard on your sister’s husband. But your parental priority is providing security for your daughter. Family gatherings can go on without you if you’re ostracized for doing what’s right. Those are small sacrifices in light of the trust you’re building with your daughter that will last for her lifetime.
MIA Ex
Q: I hate seeing the disappointed look on my son’s face every time my ex doesn’t show up for an event. He wants to sit outside our apartment door, waiting for his daddy. Last time he sat there for two hours with his baseball glove for Mr. No-Show. It broke my heart.
It’s hard enough on the kid that our family broke up and we had to move out of our house and neighborhood, but my ex is making it worse. I’ve run out of excuses for his irresponsible behavior. Callum is only 7, but I know he feels rejected by his daddy.
Our court agreement insists my ex has visiting rights, but he rarely follows through on his promises. I can’t make him show up. So what can I say and do to heal the hurt in my son’s heart? I can’t become his father too.
A: You’re right. You can’t make your ex show up. It’s time to stop making excuses for the guy who isn’t dependable. When your son is sitting there with that baseball glove in hand and your ex doesn’t show, likely the tears will roll. Or, if it’s happened enough, your son might get angry.
When Callum asks, “Where is he, Mom? Why isn’t he coming?” don’t offer any excuses. Don’t say, “Well, maybe something came up.” If you do, you’re merely enabling your ex’s bad behavior. Instead, be honest but without venom (which is particularly tough when you see how much your child is hurting). An honest answer would be, “I have no idea. Why don’t you give him a call and find out?”
Don’t you make the call. After all, you’re the ex. Have your son call. Your ex hearing your son’s crying or being on the receiving end of his anger may accomplish what you never could—a healthy dose of guilt. Plus your ex will have to explain to Callum why he’s not there. Lame excuses won’t hold up with a 7-year-old.
If your son can’t reach your ex, then say, “Well, next time you see him you can certainly ask him.”
Then changing the environment will help. “Since he’s not here, why don’t you and I do something else?” Touch your son’s shoulder or reach for his hand. “How about we . . . [make a suggestion]? Or do you have another idea of something fun you’d like to do? I’m all ears.”
You might play Frisbee at a local park or bake chocolate-chip cookies together (it’s okay if they’re from a tube in your refrigerator—you don’t have to be a master baker to produce tantalizing aromas in your kitchen). Just do something you know Callum would enjoy.
In other words, turn the tables on the negative experience. Don’t give in to your temptation to bad-mouth your ex. If you talk bad about his daddy, your son will turn him into the father of the year in his imagination. It’s just the way the psyche works of kids in divorced-family situations.
Your son will figure out for himself that your ex isn’t dependable, but he can count on you. Rising to the situation and prompting a positive memory that you two can share helps to cement your closeness as mother and son. Callum may not be able to count on his dad, but Mom is there, rock-solid and not moving in his life. That kind of knowledge creates security in a world that he thought originally was safe but turned topsy-turvy with your divorce.
You’re also right that you can’t be his father. You shouldn’t try to be. You can’t replace his daddy in his life. Your son will resent you for trying, and it’ll be awkward for both of you. So don’t be the one who tries to play baseball with him—what his daddy would normally do. Instead, find positive role models—your brother, your father, a close family friend—who can do “guy” things with your son. Also, show respect for him being a boy. Ask for his help every once in a while, and you’ll watch his miniscule muscles flex with male pride.
But what Callum needs most from you right now is for you to be exactly what you are—his mother. Focus your energy on that, and strive to be the most consistent, loving, and communicative mom you can be. If you do, you’ll have a son who loves his mama even when he’s grown up and out of the nest.
Pregnant at 15
Q: I never thought it would be us in this situation. But Shelli, our 15-year-old, is pregnant. My husband and I are so shocked, we don’t know what to do next. We didn’t know until her morning sickness hit full throttle and she couldn’t hide it any longer.
She’s been dating a 17-year-old guy—they’re both in high school—since the beginning of the school year. He’s a nice guy, and we know his parents too. They’re good people who go to the same church we do. That’s why we allowed the kids to date, even though Shelli isn’t 16 yet, and being that age was our family’s rule. We had no idea they were sexually involved.
But a baby? Those kids aren’t ready for a baby. They can’t take care of a baby, and they’re certainly not ready to get married.
Abortion isn’t an option because of our beliefs. But we also thought that college, a career, and marriage would be in Shelli’s future before a kid hit the picture. What do we do now?
A: I understand you have very firm convictions of how things should go. For this situation to work out for your daughter, though, she has to be the person who makes that decision. After all, she is the one carrying that baby. I realize the two kids are 15 and 17, not ready to be parents. But they also were “adult” enough to get in that situation in the first place, so with that action, they moved beyond childhood.
That baby is not going away, so an important decision has to be made. It’s critically important for your future relationship that what happens next is your daughter’s decision. Although she is your child, she is the mother of that baby.
You said you had dating rules—not dating until age 16, for example. That’s older than many kids start dating today. You also said you allowed the two kids to date because they went to the same church. (By the way, just because kids go to church doesn’t mean that they have reduced hormone levels or urges.) So Shelli is used to a rule-oriented household and Mom or Dad making decisions for her. But don’t mistake that for meaning she always agrees with those decisions or holds the same values as you. She is sorting all that out for herself as she becomes an adult.
In this situation, most parents—especially authoritarian ones—will decide the game plan. They’ll say, “Okay, this is what we’re going to do. You know we don’t believe in abortion. So we’ll send you to Aunt Cassie’s in Michigan before you start showing. You can stay there and be homeschooled while you have the baby. We’ll tell the school and everybody else that since you miss your aunt and want to spend time with her, you’ll be there for the next year. It’s perfect timing since the baby will be born in June. You can recuperate there for the summer and then go back to your school here in the fall like nothing happened. And Aunt Cassie has some contacts there to help set up a private adoption.”
But you shouldn’t do that. Your daughter will resent you for the rest of her life. Your role right now should be simply to facilitate a discussion. “Since we all know each other, let’s get everybody in the same room so we can talk.”
You set up the meeting with the other parents. Meet on neutral turf if possible. Then introduce the topic. “Okay, we’re here to talk. Shelli, what are your thoughts and feelings? How would you like to handle this?”
Give her time to talk without interrupting. Then ask the young man the same thing and give him time to talk without interrupting. You’ll swiftly know whether the young couple is on the same page or not, and also whether their thoughts are realistic or not.
If you develop a warm, inviting environment in which your daughter and her boyfriend can talk, you’ll have an opening to hopefully guide the kids toward making the right decision.
Aborting a child can do long-term physical damage, which can lessen your daughter’s chances of having a baby later in life. There’s also a significant emotional and psychological impact. Choosing abortion can thrust her into a sense of deep loss and guilt. She may struggle with regret, depression, or suicidal thoughts, to name a few post-traumatic consequences. Abortion might seem like an “easy fix”—to rescue you all from embarrassment and make the “problem” go away—but the consequences of that action are lifelong for the female who carried the baby.
But let me emphasize something else I feel strongly about. There is an important third party involved—the child. The emphasis has to remain on what’s best for the child, which is—hands down in this situation—placing the child for adoption.
A 15-year-old and a 17-year-old are not ready to raise a baby together. You, as grandparents, may not want to be thrust into the position of being surrogate parents for the baby while your daughter finishes high school. However, sometimes a family follows that plan because they don’t want to lose a child who is of their bloodline.
The young couple also should not be pressured to marry just because a baby is in the picture. Young couples who do marry due to parental pressure often don’t stay together past the birth of the baby.
However, your daughter has the opportunity to place this child in the arms of two parents who are longing for and anticipating the arrival of a child in their home. They’re waiting for a miracle.
I myself know the miracle of adoption through watching the shining eyes of my daughter Hannah and son-in-law Josh, who adopted twins. My own tears overflowed at seeing those precious babies in the hands of their overjoyed new mama and papa. I will be forever grateful for the gift of that birth mom.
When you’re overwhelmed by the situation, look at it from that angle—that a new life has been created. You are now partners with your daughter in watching over that little life in its early stages. If your daughter chooses an open adoption, she will have the opportunity to be a part of that baby’s life and his or her new family. In that case, your family will simply grow larger, with room for more love.
Too Sensitive?
Q: Daniel, who’s 9, has always been sensitive. He gets very attached to the people and things he loves. He likes predictable things and doesn’t deal well with change.
A year ago he cried for a week when his pet goldfish died. We finally bought him two new goldfish, thinking that would help heal the hurt. A couple months ago, our family dog had to go to the vet after being hit by a car. A neighbor had to take the dog because Daniel was so upset that I had to stay home with him. Those same neighbors could have watched Daniel for me, but he was inconsolable. It took me sitting beside him to watch a favorite movie, complete with an ice cream treat, to calm him down. Meanwhile, I was worried about the dog the whole time.
Two weeks ago, Daniel’s uncle, whom he’s very close to (my husband’s brother), was diagnosed with cancer. Sadly, it’s in a progressed state, and things aren’t looking good. Do we tell Daniel or not? What if he can’t handle it?
A: Lots of things happen in life that aren’t planned and aren’t fun, like goldfish dying, dogs getting hit by cars, and loved ones being diagnosed with cancer. Cushioning your child from tragedy and sadness might seem like a good move to calm the immediate storm, but it won’t help your son stand on his own feet when you’re not around.
Let me do some guessing here. I could be wrong, but a lot of times my guesses are spot-on. Daniel is probably an only child or the oldest child in your family, right? I believe you’ve become too good of a parent. Yes, you read that right. You’ve paid too much attention to your “sensitive” son.
Every time I hear the word sensitive, I translate that as something else—a powerful child who is growing more and more skilled at manipulating you. In your own words, you said you “had to” stay home with Daniel when the dog was hit by a car. You didn’t have to, but you chose to, because you know well the fallout that’s already there or soon going to be there if you go against Daniel’s wishes.
Your son has faced a couple of hits, but nothing unusual for childhood. In fact, I’ve always told parents that goldfish are great first pets. They have a short life span, so you won’t have to take care of them when your child goes off to college. Also, there’s direct cause and effect to teach responsibility: you have to feed the goldfish for it to survive.
Every kid cries and gets sad when hard things happen. Daniel might have forgotten to feed the goldfish, or its life span was over. Either way, the result is the same—a belly-up fish. Daniel got an up-close view of what death is like when his goldfish didn’t come back.
But Daniel’s response to the goldfish’s death was an overreaction. Crying for a week? That’s over the top. Bluntly, he was workin’ ya to get a couple of new goldfish, and you fell for it. You went out and bought them to cheer him up and curtail the constant noise in your home. So for a short stint, Daniel actually won double what he had before: two goldfish instead of one. In his young mind, that kid’s mantra was, I am the center of the universe. If I fuss enough and hold out, I’ll get exactly what I want.
Since his behavior worked to control you, he ramped it up when the dog was hit. Even though that dog needed you in his crisis, your son didn’t want you to leave his sight. Yes, he was probably sad and scared. But such a time would have been a good learning experience.
The best solution would have been for you to hug him and say, “Daniel, I know you’re scared that Buddy is hurt. You wonder what will happen to him. I feel that way too. But I need to leave now and take him to the vet. He needs someone with him. Mrs. Allen will stay with you while I’m gone.”
And then off you go to take that dog, who is in intense pain, to the vet. This was your game plan: You conversed briefly with him to convey that you know he’s scared, and you feel the same way. Then you told him the plan of action—important to firstborns and only children. Next you acted on that plan and weren’t swayed by his pleading or tears. Such a game plan shows your child that he’s important but the universe doesn’t revolve around him. Responding in such a way to that incident would also have prepared him more effectively for this new and larger challenge—his uncle’s cancer.
What should you do now? Tell Daniel about the situation. “Remember when Buddy got hurt by the car? He had to go to the vet and stay there for a while so he’d get better?”
Daniel nods.
“Well, Uncle Troy isn’t feeling well right now. He has a sickness called cancer, and he’s going to have to go to the hospital for a while.”
Daniel’s eyes widen and fill with tears. You feel the over-the-top reaction coming. Simply put your hand on his shoulder and say, “I know you feel sad. If you want to cry, it’s okay.”
Children don’t need to know every blow by blow of a medical plan or the details as the cancer progresses. But they do need a dose of reality without the sugarcoating.
When Daniel asks, as he likely will, “Will Uncle Troy die like my goldfish?” you answer plainly, “That’s possible, because he is very sick. But the doctors are doing all they can to help your uncle.”
Isn’t it cruel to tell an 8-year-old his uncle might die? you might be thinking.
It’s the truth, though, and you shouldn’t sugarcoat it. Creating a fantasyland where nobody dies is even more cruel in the long run. Your child will hate you for lying to him. Instead, this situation can be a teachable moment: everything that lives will also die at some point. Like the goldfish.
But then you move on. “What’s most important right now is that we think of what’s best for Uncle Troy, who is hurting. He needs our hugs and our love.”
With these words, you’ve turned the attention from your son’s feelings to the uncle who is in pain. This step is strategic because your son, who is used to being the center of the universe, needs to discover that other people matter too. Giving, rather than always receiving, is important. Doing something proactive will kick off that transition in your son’s head.
“I bet Uncle Troy would love it if you drew him a picture,” you say. “Today he’s busy with tests at the hospital, but we could take it to him tomorrow. Maybe you and I could make his favorite dessert too.”
Through this type of conversation, you’ve accomplished the following:
This world, frankly, needs more givers and less takers, and it would indeed be a better place. Setting such priorities, even in a time of sadness, is very important to not only your child’s well-being but also the well-being of those around him in the future.
At any time during the conversation, Daniel is likely to test you, so be forewarned. Sometimes sensitivity is manipulation. If his usual behavior crops up, say calmly, “I can see you’re upset, so now is not a good time to finish the conversation. We’ll talk more about it later.”
Then turn your back and walk away. Go into a room or somewhere he can’t follow you. As hard as it is, wait for his storm to subside. Since it’s worked before, he’ll give the test his all. You’ll hear things you’ve probably never heard before.
But you’re not being mean. You’re being firm. If you give in now, you only create a more manipulative child, who thinks, Ah, I see. If I keep it up for five minutes, she’ll give in.
If your child wants to have a meltdown, let him. Don’t even try to stop him. But you disengage. If you don’t give him an audience, it’s amazing how swiftly the manipulation will end.
Sad things happen in life. Death is a part of life. But even these types of situations can be teachable moments that will develop your child into the resilient adult you want him to be someday.
Encounter with Racial Prejudice
Q: We’re a biracial family. Because of my husband’s job, we recently moved into an area that we soon discovered isn’t very friendly to those they consider “different.” My kids—7, 8, and 13—have faced some unkind comments.
After several months, the two youngest started to settle in and now seem to have adjusted okay to their new surroundings. The town kids have gotten used to them looking different, so they don’t pick on them as much anymore. I think it helps that my younger boys are bigger than the average 7- and 8-year-old and hold their own on the playground.
But my once kind, well-adjusted 13-year-old seems to have morphed into a different person. At home he kicks doors and walls and argues. He picks fights a lot. Yesterday he ended up in the principal’s office for punching another boy in the gut. When I asked him why he did that, he shook his head and said, “Whatever.” He refused to say anything else, just went into his room and spent the night gaming. He didn’t even show up at the dinner table.
We can’t go on like this. Because we live in a smaller town and there’s only one high school, there isn’t a possibility of moving my oldest son to a different school. My husband’s job will keep us in this area for two years. None of us can handle two years like this.
Ideas?
A: Every 13-year-old adolescent boy has a lot to sort through. That includes hormones, a rapidly changing body, and the drive to compete with other boys to be top dog. On top of that, your son has been catapulted out of the world he knows into a brand-new environment. In a small town especially, he’s competing as a lone wolf among a group of individuals who have likely been together since babyhood. He’s the new kid on the block trying to break in. That’s never easy. Middle school can be particularly vicious as boys jockey for position with each other and try to get the attention of other species—aka, girls.
Not only that, he looks different from the other kids. In the middle school environment, “different” is an open invitation: “Go ahead, pick on me.” That’s exactly what’s happening.
Your son is understandably frustrated. He also likely resents you as his parents for thrusting him into this place where he doesn’t want to be. He needs a way to vent the feelings he obviously has about life. At home, he’s kicking the walls and arguing with you. At school, he’s picking fights to flex his muscles. It’s the only way he knows how to say, “Hey, stop messing with me.”
However, punching someone isn’t a good way to handle that frustration. Physical violence isn’t the answer and won’t improve his reputation in the long term (though it might induce a little fear in those classmates so they’ll think before they pick on him). Kicking the walls and doors and hitting people has to stop—now. So does the arguing with you.
What does your son need most? Your love and understanding at this tough time. He also needs some downtime in a calm space where he won’t be judged or picked on. That’s why he’s retreating to his bedroom. He doesn’t want you to ask how his day went, since it went just like all the others thus far—with him feeling ostracized for being biracial. He needs your home to be a safe environment where he doesn’t have to be on guard, where he is loved unconditionally. But that doesn’t mean you’ll put up with nonsense, back talk, or bad behavior.
Getting on his case about punching the kid at school isn’t the place to start. First, have an honest conversation.
“That was a rough day yesterday, huh? Getting hauled into the principal’s office isn’t any fun. I didn’t like the call I got either. But you want to know something?” You look him in the eyes. “I know you. That’s not you. You’re a great kid, and you usually handle any trouble really well. So something’s going on that’s causing you to act that way. I’d like to do what I can, but having some details about what happened before you punched the kid would help. Did he say or do anything that upset you?”
In those few words, you definitely have your kid’s attention. His ears are open. Wow, he’s thinking, Mom didn’t hammer me for hitting that jerk. She’s not yelling now either, or blaming me for what I did.
His heart opens too, because you’ve basically said you believe in him and that he’s capable of handling anything. She thinks I’m usually a great kid. She even wants my side of the story.
Sometimes adolescents are loyal and don’t want to say what happened within the peer group. But in this case, your son is new enough to the group and doesn’t have friends. He’s likely to spill everything that went on.
When you hear the details, stay calm. They likely won’t be pretty. People can get nasty when it comes to racial prejudice. However, you will get the ammunition you need to arrange a meeting between you, your son, and the principal. If that principal is a good, smart one, he’ll arrange a meeting with the three of you, the offending students, and their parents, where everything can be aired in a professional setting.
Some apologies need to happen, because racial prejudice hits hard. You may not be able to change the mind-set of some of the students (or, frankly, their parents, which is where prejudicial views come from in the first place), but they need to come out into the light of day, where they look ugly and embarrassing.
Your son isn’t off the hook either. He needs to apologize to the kid he socked. He must look that kid straight in the eyes and say, “What I did was wrong. I never should have hit you. But the words you said really hurt me down deep. I’m new here, and I’m trying my best to fit in. Comments like that make me feel worthless and angry. That’s why I hit you.”
The principal should then take over, saying, “In our school, nobody gets put down” and “Comments like that are never acceptable.” If he doesn’t, and he takes the side of the other parents, you and your husband need to seriously consider moving somewhere else. None of your kids will fare well in that environment.
If you take such a stance, it’s likely that there’s one kid in that room who will feel some guilt and end up becoming a friend of your son’s. If you want to give that possibility a nudge, here’s a secret you need to know: middle school boys are always hungry. If you dangle a food option in front of your son and a potential friend, they’ll go for it and gain a natural connection in the process.
For example, pick your son up after school armed with a couple of extra-large pizzas. I guarantee the aroma will get other boys’ attention. There’s nothing like an impromptu picnic on school grounds to ease the tension and launch potential friendships.
If your son mentions a particular boy, say, “Hey, if you ever want to invite Darren over after school, that’s great with me. I’d be happy to pick you both up and then run him home later.”
As for kicking walls and doors at your house, your son needs to know that isn’t acceptable, even if he is frustrated. It’d be a good idea for him to clean off those scuff marks. Some boys need an active outlet for their growing testosterone.
One family I know was doing a big landscape project in their backyard. Their son would go out there and dig trenches and holes to let off steam after school. Sure, their yard was a mess for a couple of years, but their kid wasn’t—and that was their priority. Whenever his parents saw a new large hole outside, they’d know Jake needed to talk. Jake and his dad spent a lot of time leaning on their shovels and talking through issues.
That was 10 years ago. The yard is now beautifully landscaped, thanks to Jake and his dad. Jake is 23, married, and living in another state, but not a week goes by that he and his parents don’t talk heart-to-heart. The hours spent around the holes and the support his parents gave him at a rough time in middle school were truly an investment for the future.
Ditto for the time you’re spending with your son and the effort you’re making now.
Instagram Whiplash
Q: My daughter Amy has always been . . . well . . . a drama queen. That’s a nice way to put it. Anything that happens—good or bad—puts her over the top. Ever since she turned 13, her mood swings could give you whiplash.
She also changes friends frequently. I sometimes wonder if it’s because other kids get tired of her. To be honest, at times I do. Is that horrible to say about your own daughter?
When she loses a friend, she still doesn’t learn that not everybody can tolerate her behavior. Yesterday her old best friend posted unflattering pictures of Amy in full drama queen mode on Instagram. Now texts on group chat are flying back and forth about the pics.
I know how cruel girls can be—I was a victim of that in school myself—so I want to protect her. Part of me knows she deserves a bit of what she got. The other part of me can’t stand watching her cry. What exactly should I do in this situation?
A: I know you hate to see your daughter hurting, especially because you were picked on in school yourself. But in this situation, the best thing you can do is nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Here’s what I mean. Right now your mama bear instincts are telling you to leap to your daughter’s defense. However, you need to let reality do the teaching instead of you. The plain truth is that what your daughter sows, she’ll reap. It’s an ancient maxim and, honestly, the only way she’ll learn to change her behavior. There’s nothing like peer pressure and embarrassment—as much as you hate to see it happening—to change intolerable or stupid behavior in an adolescent. It works far faster than any parental lecture ever could.
At present she’s looking for a little sympathy, but that won’t help her in the long run. Some straight talk will.
“Kids can be nasty, huh?” you say to acknowledge the situation. “What’s happened to you isn’t very nice.”
Her ears perk up at this. Ah, she’s thinking, here it comes—Mom to my defense.
Instead you say, “You know I love you more than life itself. But I have to be honest with you. What happened could have been far worse, because your drama queen act is sometimes way over the top. Do you think some of your friends may be getting tired of your shenanigans, like Anna? And maybe that’s why she did what she did?”
Then you plant an important thought to see if it’ll germinate. “It’s not easy to fit in and have people like you, especially at this age. One day they like you, and the next day they’re ragging on you or posting pics that will embarrass you. Now, I’m just your mother, old as the hills, but here’s a bit of advice. Lay low. Settle down before you say or do anything. If somebody mentions that picture, don’t be quick to respond. Instead, take a breath and count to 10 before you open your mouth. During that time, think, Would I want to see what I’m going to do next on Instagram?”
If she’s still in listening mode, add, “You can’t go back and change what happened, but you can be smarter next time. If you say anything snarky back, you’ll only incur more teasing and revenge tactics. Better to be calm about it all. When someone looks at you and snickers, look them straight in the eyes. Hanging your head will make them want to go after you more, since kids pick on the weakest person. If someone makes a comment about the picture, simply shrug and say, ‘Yeah, that’s me. I can be a drama queen sometimes. Lesson learned.’ And then off you go to your next class. That will befuddle them because they’ve lost the edge they thought they had.”
There’s a term called rabbit ears that describes people who respond to everything. When rabbits are paying attention, focusing on something, their ears stand straight up. Let’s say someone is ragging on the third baseman at the Little League game, calling out, “Hey, nice socks, buddy! Pull them up. Look like a real ballplayer, won’t you?” He’s trying hard to get the third baseman fluffed so he’ll miss the catch. If the baseman responds by paying attention to that person, he’s got rabbit ears.
If your daughter is known to have rabbit ears, she’ll be easy pickings for her peer group. Becoming the calm bunny of the bunch has definite advantages. Yes, her personality might have a flair for drama. But controlling when and how she is dramatic—it’s a good thing for the school play but not for a bad hair day—is an important skill to learn.
No parent wants their kid to get picked on. But going after the kids who posted her crazy moment on Instagram isn’t the answer. It will only blow this situation up bigger. Gossip is short-lived in the middle school kingdom. Each day has drama of its own. Your daughter won’t die of embarrassment over this experience, but she can learn how important balance is. She may keep that dramatic flair, but she doesn’t need to be out of control.
Here’s something else to think about. No behavior happens in a vacuum. How did your daughter develop her drama queen behavior in the first place? She was allowed not only to have it but to develop it in your home. It might have started even at age 2, when she threw a tantrum and got what she wanted. She may be a naturally expressive person, but over-the-top behaviors would have continued only if she received a reward for them.
The reward she’s likely seeking for her dramatic behavior is attention. Those who crave attention but don’t know how to get it in a positive way will create a scene that makes them the center of attention. It might have worked at home to get her noticed in the family, but it’s deadly among the peer group.
Perhaps at a different time you can have a conversation about why she is drama personified. Does she need attention because she feels insecure? Because she thinks the only way she matters in the universe is if she’s in the spotlight?
In what ways could she use her attention-seeking behavior in a positive light? Do some brainstorming. Could she join a community youth theater, for example? Liven up the environment of the elderly couple down the block who doesn’t get much company? When you focus that natural flair for drama on assisting others and bringing them joy, it’s amazing how self-worth can improve.
Just watch and see.
Late-Bloomer Woes
Q: My son Mark is a late bloomer. He still looks like puberty hasn’t hit him, even at age 15. When he went to get his driver permit recently, he was mistaken for a grade-schooler. Embarrassing, huh? Especially for a boy. It doesn’t help that his dad is a tough-guy military officer.
The kid who used to wrestle with other boys, climb trees, shoot imaginary guns, and strategize war games when he was little has done a shocking about-face. He now hangs out with the skateboarding, “artsy” kids. His clothing and hobbies have changed drastically too.
There’s nothing wrong with the new kids he hangs out with—they’re great kids. They frequently descend upon our kitchen to graze after school. (Seriously, it’s like a herd of cattle storming the place, and no food in sight is left untouched.) I guess my husband and I are just surprised by such a dramatic change.
Every once in a while, I see Mark watching his old neighborhood friends when they hang out together. He seems a bit sad, like he’s left out.
Is this normal for high schoolers? Or should we worry that something else is going on?
A: Every person has, at their core, a desire to be loved, to be accepted, and to belong somewhere. This is an even stronger drive during the adolescent years, where having acceptance in a peer group is very important. To adolescents, being accepted is being loved. Teens need to find their own group. They often “try on” friend groups like you’d try on clothing. It’s a normal, experimental phase.
Your son, you said, is also a late bloomer. That means physically he may not be able to compete with the boys of his own neighborhood. They might look like young men while Mark still resembles a boy. That makes him the odd person out.
If that were you, would you be comfortable?
Well then, neither is Mark. He also probably stares at his muscled, tough-guy father and thinks, That’s what a guy is supposed to look like. Then he eyes his own four-foot-eleven, 80-pound frame and sighs. That’s sure not me.
So he gives up competing in that area and looks elsewhere. In order to survive in a peer group, he has to find another one somewhere to belong. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss hanging out with his old friends, though.
Let me assure you that every kid will find his own path. Good thing there isn’t only one path in life—there are multiple. At certain times in a child’s life, situations change. This is one of those times.
Ask any high schooler about the groups at school, and they’ll swiftly categorize them: the druggies, the preppies, the pink-bow girls, the skaters, the nerds. The labels go on and on. Every high schooler is struggling to compete. It might be in art, band, a sport, or anything else in which they find competence and acceptance.
Realize that what your child is doing now might end up being a role he stays comfortable in long-term. Or it might be an experiment that’s complete in nine months or even a few weeks.
As a 5-year-old, I wanted to be an ambulance driver. In seventh grade, I wanted to be a dentist. Trust me, you wouldn’t want your dentist to be Dr. Leman, DDS. “Oops, sorry, was it a bicuspid or a molar? Anyway, a tooth is out.”
When I told the high school guidance counselor about my ambition to be a dentist, he signed me up for Latin. I took it five times and passed it twice.
Next I wanted to be a forest ranger. Why? Because while I was sneaking a smoke out behind the school, I found a matchbook with an ad to be a game warden.
I was clueless. I drifted from place to place because I had two older siblings I thought were perfect, and I couldn’t measure up. That’s how I lived until I realized there really was a God Almighty who loved me. Then I discovered firsthand that God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things.
Experimentation is a part of childhood, and that includes clothing, activities, and friends. So allow that boy of yours to experiment in his striving to compete in the male world.
Also, don’t worry about his lack of physical development. Every child has his own timeline for that. If his father is well built, your boy has a good chance of ending up that way too . . . even if it does take until the middle of college.
If you can’t let your concern go, make an appointment for a routine physical. Privately share your concern ahead of time with the doctor. If nothing pops up during the exam and tests, you’ll know there is no reason for any developmental delay, so you can rest easy. Then simply allow the boy to develop at his own pace.
When you see him looking at his old friends longingly, acknowledge that. “I bet sometimes you miss spending time with your old friends, huh?”
He nods.
“Throughout my life, especially with all the moves we’ve had in the military, I’ve realized that some friends stay and others leave. I’m just glad you’ve got an awesome new group of friends.” You smile. “Bring them over anytime. I’m so happy to see them.”
As long as he is actively living life and enjoying a group of friends, simply keep the grocery cart full and the snacks rolling. It’s true: if you feed ’em, they’ll come . . . in droves. They’ll also grow at their own pace.
Best of all, you’ll stay entrenched in that boy’s heart because you’ve remained consistent in his ever-changing world.
They’re a Mess after Returning from My Ex’s
Q: My ex and I have split custody. Our two girls, now teenagers, live with me during the week and with my ex on the weekends. They have their own rooms at my house but have to share a room at my ex’s. Let’s just say his rules differ greatly from mine. When the girls get back, they fight like cats and dogs with each other and are surly and snappy with me. Sunday night never passes without one of us crying (usually with a slammed door from one of them somewhere in the process).
How can I turn this Titanic around? It’s like a bad movie that keeps playing over and over.
A: You’re right. That movie will keep playing over and over unless you do something about it. In fact, it’s a natural occurrence in homes all across North America when kids visit their other parent and then return home. Chaos reigns. Emotions flare. Why? Because the very act of the switch is a continual reminder that a break happened in your relationship, and now things are different. For those kids, it’s as if the divorce happens over and over again.
It usually takes kids a couple of days to settle into their new location. So think of it this way. They’re at your ex’s Friday night through Sunday night, but it takes them until Tuesday night to settle into your home. Then on Friday they go back to your ex’s. That means Sunday through Tuesday night can be h-e-double-hockey-sticks-crazy at your house, and there are only three or so “normal” days for those kids when they truly feel at home. It’s hard for anybody to live like that, much less teenagers, who are hormonally charged anyway.
You can’t control what happens at your ex’s, so don’t even try. When your girls are there, he’s the parent and they’re under his rule. However, you can choose to act differently in your own space to change the equation at your home.
The next time your girls come home from your ex’s on Sunday night, be as close to invisible as possible. Post a “Do Not Disturb” sign on your bedroom door. Hide out by yourself and order in pizza. Keep the door locked.
Let those two girls blast each other verbally as much as they want. Endure the noisy fracas for a while. Soon this will dawn on those kids: Hey, where is the woman who usually referees in our shouting match? She seems to be missing.
That’s when the noise will die down. A dog and pony show is only fun if there’s an audience. So they’ll come to seek you out. When they do, and you finally open the door, state firmly, “You know what? I’m done with your typical Sunday night behavior. You two make life miserable for everybody in the house. So for a while, when you come home on Sunday, you’ll find me enjoying the night in solitude while the two of you work things out. Yes, I can hear you, but I’m not going to get involved. Frankly, I’m disappointed in both of you.” Then you shut the door again.
Open mouths will result. The two girls will stare at each other in shock, and likely the fight will dissipate. Sweet, welcome silence will descend upon your home.
The next weekend, the kids will really test you to make sure you mean business. Follow through on what you did before, only this time don’t open the door at all. You already told the girls your thoughts once. Believe me, they heard you. Telling them again will only frustrate you. In addition, it implies that they’re stupid—since they couldn’t process what you said the first time, you have to tell them again. Don’t go there. Instead, greet them the next morning at breakfast with a smile.
Is this being mean? No, it’s how you can help your kids swiftly come to grips with reality. Yes, there has been a divorce. They live with you now. Dad isn’t going to come back. This situation is tough on everybody. In divorce situations, often the kids are thrust into the balancing role. Since the two who usually created harmony in the home—Mom and Dad—are in a mess, the kids feel it’s their job to keep their parents happy separately.
But it’s not their job. You two are still the adults . . . even if one of you doesn’t act like it very often.
Chaos may reign in his home, but stability and security can be your modus operandi.
He Thinks He’s a Failure
Q: My oldest child is 17. He’s always been the kind of kid who likes to know not only the end game but also the details of what will happen along the way. Rob’s smart and wants to be an accountant. He’s been intense for months, waiting for college acceptance decisions. When the first college—really hard to get into—turned him down, he fell apart. He cried, saying he was a failure and wouldn’t go anywhere in life. He’s been depressed ever since.
How can I help him see that this is just one rejection, and that getting into college is one step of a bigger journey? Anytime something doesn’t go the way he expects, or his work doesn’t turn out as perfectly as he wanted it to, he jumps to the conclusion that he’s a failure. He’s been that way ever since he was young.
A: Your son is a perfectionist. That’s not unexpected for the firstborn of a family, who has had the parental eye focused on him and his achievements. Every little thing is treated as a big deal, so he’s been unwittingly trained to be that way. Accounting is a very common occupation for perfectionists. No one wants an accountant who says, “Oh, if we’re somewhere in the ballpark, we’re fine. Just round up the numbers and the IRS won’t mind.”
Though perfectionism is great for a career like accounting, being stuck in perfectionism relationally and personally is slow suicide in the long run. You’re hard on others and hardest on yourself.
It’s time for your son to put his big-boy pants on. He’ll need to put in one leg at a time since he’s entrenched in his patterns. But now that he’s a junior or senior in high school, it’s time to suck it up. Life won’t always go his way, but that doesn’t mean he’s a failure.
He needs to face the lies he’s telling himself head-on. Not getting into one school among the many he’s applied for—and falling apart because he thinks he won’t make it in life—is almost laughable, if you think about it. He’s a kid who clearly has smarts and skill. He’s talented and has worked hard in school. College administration personnel who see his application are bound to take notice. Just because he didn’t make it into his first-choice school doesn’t mean he won’t nail the application process of the other seven schools he applied for.
Do you know what they call even the person who graduates the last of his class in med school? Doctor. Same as everybody else.
Right now your son is feeling sorry for himself. He sees himself as counting in life only when he is triple-A and five-star. That’s not a healthy view to carry around in life. And he’s pulling your chain, trying to manipulate you with his “poor me” antics.
This is a minor disappointment in life. You need to shake up that perfectionistic firstborn for his own good. “No, you didn’t make it into your first-choice school,” you say. “But neither did another 117,999 kids across the country who applied to be a freshman there this year. You’ve got seven more schools to go. Just check this one off the list and move on. You see this as a big deal, but to me it’s not. It’s merely narrowing the focus a little on where you might go.” Then you turn your back and walk away to do something else.
Sure, that kid may continue his pity party. But he didn’t get what he was workin’ ya for—your usual responses:
Instead, you stated the simple facts and then moved on with life. If you deal with the situation that way, your son will move on too. He’ll accept the reality as reality.
Somewhere down the road, your daughter-in-law will be thankful for this moment when her perfectionistic husband got a wake-up call. He’ll become a better man—one easier to live with.
You can count on it.
Normal Behavior for Grief?
Q: My four kids—14, 9, 5, and 3—recently lost the grandfather they adored. My father lived three houses down and spent tons of time with the kids. Each of my kids is reacting so differently.
My 14-year-old acts like the grandpa he played catch with and who attended all his baseball games didn’t even exist. He refuses to talk about him and walks out of the room if somebody mentions Grandpa.
My 9-year-old cries whenever her grandpa’s name is mentioned.
My 5-year-old talks about what she and her grandpa used to do as though he’s still alive and they’re sitting across from each other at a tea party.
My 3-year-old doesn’t mention his grandpa at all and acts like nothing happened.
Are these all normal behaviors for grief? How can I keep the memory of their grandpa alive for some and not mention him for others? I can’t win, it seems, whatever I try. Help!
A: Kids will react differently based on their age, stage, personality, and relationship with the person who died.
Your 3-year-old is acting his age. He had a warm, loving relationship with Grandpa, but he doesn’t have much of a concept of death or what it means. Yes, Grandpa is missing from your dinner table, but he didn’t always eat dinner with you. The only thing your young child sees and senses is your sadness and any changes in your behavior. When you told him about Grandpa, what concerned him most was the person he could still see and touch—you.
Your 5-year-old is relating to her grandpa the way she always did, through a shared activity. She doesn’t yet know what death means either—that it’s permanent. The realization will dawn on her slowly that Grandpa isn’t coming over anymore, but because of her age, she will move on without experiencing a deep grief. She, like the 3-year-old, will be more influenced by your pain and sadness.
Your 9-year-old has had more life experience to know what death is, but likely this is the first time it’s happened to someone she loves. Her feeling sad is actually a good thing. Tears can be very cleansing and healing, so don’t feel bad when you see them. She needs hugs, your love, and little comments like, “Wow, you miss your grandpa, don’t you? He loved you so much.”
All three of those kids are responding normally.
Your 14-year-old is the one I’m concerned about. Instead of dealing with his sadness, he’s pretending not only that he isn’t sad but that the man he loved deeply didn’t exist. He has retreated inward to deal with his grief without any outside support. Because he doesn’t want to talk about it, he’ll hold his emotions in, to the point where all of a sudden there will be an explosion. Somebody will pay for that response down the line if you don’t curb it now. A shake-up is appropriate, but you have to do it the right way.
Say to your son, “I know how much Grandpa meant to you. His sudden passing shocked us all. He was such a part of our lives, and we’re all impacted because he’s no longer here.” Then explain how each person in the family is dealing with that change. “Your little brother does this. . . . Your little sister handles it this way. . . . You see, people handle grief differently. The one I’m most concerned about is you. People who bottle things up tend to eventually explode.
“You need a way to say how much you miss your grandpa. You wish he was alive today and you could call him on his cell to say hi. That’s not silly. You need to be able to say those words without being embarrassed or feeling silly. There’s nothing I’d rather hear from you right now than, ‘Mom, I miss my grandpa.’ If you cry, that’s okay. I’ve cried a lot too. I might even cry with you. Grandpa was a big part of our lives, and he still is because he’s in our memories. Part of life is death, and you’re choosing to ignore this huge part of life. You can keep saying, ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ and that’s your right. I can’t wave a magic wand over your head. But you’re missing out on one of the joys of life.”
At this point, he’ll probably stare at you in disbelief.
“I know what you’re thinking. Just what is so joyful about Grandpa dying? Well, as you think about Grandpa, you’ll realize how important he was to you. That will make you live your life with more passion, enjoying the people around you.”
Your son needs a life lesson, and the sooner the better. You don’t want him to live like an emotional brick.
You might not have success the first time you talk to him. But you can at least try. If he’s not a verbally expressive person, you can suggest he write his grandpa a letter. Most of all, stop tippy-toeing around him. Bring up Grandpa at the dinner table. Let all the kids enjoy telling stories about him. If your oldest gets up from the table, throws his napkin down, and leaves, so be it. He misses part of dinner.
Life in your family can’t stop because of one of your kids. You’re all in this together. Just because someone died doesn’t mean you stop living or stop talking about him. The sooner your firstborn learns this, the better it is for him psychologically, and for your entire family.
Just a Phase Or . . . ?
Q: Shauna has always been happy—the kind of girl people saw as cute and sweet. Then she hit her eleventh birthday. All of a sudden she started dressing differently. She gave away her girly-girl pink clothing she loves, took her allowance, and went shopping at a thrift store for a new wardrobe. Now she varies between emo-type or loose, more masculine clothing. It’s a total switch of look and personality. The kids she hangs out with now are very different.
Is this only a phase, where she’s trying to reinvent herself or something after losing friends? She gets angry, cries easily, and argues with us now. Lately she’s developed a mouth that we don’t appreciate when she gets upset.
Is this normal puberty or a warning sign of trouble ahead? Should we be concerned?
A: To quote my dear sweet wife, Mrs. Uppington, whom I have lived with for over five decades—a kindhearted woman who wouldn’t hurt a fly—“The 11-year-old female is the weirdest person walking the planet.” It’s true. All kinds of chemical reactions are taking place in your daughter’s body, including hormones and maybe even her period arriving. It’s a tumultuous time for girls.
The fact that she changed the way she dresses isn’t a big deal. Preteen and teen girls reinvent their look—hair, makeup, clothing—often. These years are a time of experimentation to figure out who she is and what suits her personality best. The good news is that you’ve reared her with financial sense, at least. Instead of asking you to shell out the cash for her new duds, she used her own money and shopped wisely at a secondhand store. Good for her.
However, in this case she’s making a dramatic statement by drastically changing her clothes and her type of friends. Usually there’s an underlying reason, and often it’s friend based. She might have been dumped or betrayed by her old friend group and is very hurt or looking to get even with them. With the arrival of middle school, there is more pressure on kids to fit in to a group, and maybe she hasn’t found hers. She might also be struggling with gender identity if she’s switching from a very girly style to a very masculine style.
Now’s the time to make an open statement such as, “You seem different these days—worried and upset, maybe. If there’s anything going on that you’d like to share, I’m all ears. I won’t tell you what to do. I won’t judge you. I’ll just listen. But if there’s something you’d like me to help you with, I’d sure like to try.”
Make that simple invitation, and if she doesn’t bite, let it go. Even if she pretends she didn’t hear you, she did, loud and clear. She’ll talk when she’s ready.
Part of what you’re seeing—the dramatic behavior and changes in dress—is due to living on Planet Middle School. So until you have reason to believe otherwise, don’t overthink things.
She used to be the kid who was so sweet that sugar couldn’t melt in her mouth. Now she’s cranky. Sometimes you merely have to extend grace and let the crankiness go. The testy sensitivity you see can be hormone-cycle based or because she got dissed at school.
If you can’t say good morning to her in English without her snapping your head off, try another language: “Buenos días.” Then smile. After all, you’re not guilty of anything except trying to be nice.
When you get that ever-present eye roll, try some humor. “Oh, that was good. Do it again for me . . . in slow motion.”
But never put up with a mouth from your kid. That’s disrespect, and it needs to be nipped in the bud. The solution is simple. She disrespects you in the morning when she heads out to school and she doesn’t get to go where she wants after school. You won’t drive her there. If she asks why, tell her, “I didn’t appreciate your words or your attitude this morning.”
She might hate the lunch she told you she loved and wanted yesterday. Today her clothes are all wrong. It’s your fault, she claims, for not washing her shirt. Her hair didn’t turn out the way she wanted it to. That’s because you didn’t buy the right brand-name shampoo.
Everyone has times where life doesn’t work out the way they want it to. To feel better about herself, your daughter is working hard to make everyone around her as miserable as she is. She doesn’t yet know that won’t help her feel any better.
When you’re in front of a loaded gun, you can choose to step out of the line of fire. Just removing yourself from the setting usually does the trick. It’s no fun to perform without an audience.
Parents are famous for overreacting to their child’s wardrobe and hair experimentations. But does it really matter if your daughter’s hair is blue for the short while she’s into that color? She’ll get tired of it or it’ll eventually wear off. So what if she wears black lipstick and nail polish for a couple of months? Or if your son insists on buying larger-size jeans so his underwear can peek out the top since that’s the current fashion? Simply suggest, “You might want to buy some good-lookin’ undies, since the entire planet is going to see them.”
It isn’t about what your friends think of your daughter’s new look. What matters is her heart. She may be into camouflage shirts and army pants at the moment. So what? Is she still rooted as a member of your family? Does she treat her siblings well and her parents with respect?
Nobody is perfect. We all have our bad days. Allow your daughter to have hers, without judgment. But never ever put up with being dissed.
When you’re fed up with the changes, remember that it’s normal for kids to try different styles on the path to figuring out who they are as individuals, separate from you. Then take a deep breath and remember what you were like at 11 years old—the way you dressed and the stupid things you did.
I used to imagine I was the lead singer for the Beach Boys. I’d play air guitar as I sang “Little Deuce Coupe” in front of the mirror because I thought I had musical talent and the world was waiting for me to share it. The bathroom was my stage.
What I wore out in public at that time was ridiculous, now that I look back on it.
I had already smoked my first cigarette at age 7. By age 11, I’d let a cigarette hang out of my mouth to imitate the cool James Dean.
Whenever I raised a brow at something one of my five kids was doing, a peek back in time did the trick. Nothing any of my kids have done could top the antics my parents put up with while I was growing up.
A little reflection will put the drama in your home in perspective.
Q: My husband and I adopted Jana when she was 2. After she accepted us as her family, she seemed to “claim” us. As long as one of us was with her, she was okay. But she’d cry even if a good friend came over to watch her for the evening. It took a long time for her to get used to anyone coming and going in her life.
Neither my husband nor I have any siblings or living parents. A month ago, when Jana turned 9, my husband had to have an emergency surgery and died unexpectedly. Jana and I were plunged into shock. Since then, we’ve become a pair who goes everywhere together. Jana frequently crawls into bed with me. I guess we sleep better by each other’s side.
Since her daddy died, she hasn’t wanted to go to school. I’ve considered homeschooling because her fear of leaving me (or of me leaving her?) is so strong. How can I help my daughter over this hurdle? I miss her daddy too.
A: The reason for your daughter’s behavior is clear. She’s afraid you’ll die too and is hanging on to you with everything she has. You are her one sole source of connection and comfort.
When you adopt a child who is 2 years old, fear of abandonment can be a real issue. By that time, 40 percent of your daughter’s personality was already formed. In those first two years, when she hadn’t met you and your husband yet, she survived in her little world by adapting to her circumstances.
Then suddenly she had a new environment and a mommy and daddy who loved and accepted her with open arms. She learned to trust you. She counted on you being there. She developed a deep bond with you that brought security to her world.
By 18 months of age, children have discovered their ability and power to change or control their circumstances. They can cry on command and throw temper tantrums to get their way. That means she learned early on in your house that clinging to you meant she could control you and make you stay with her.
Clinginess is a very common act on the part of children who fear abandonment. My guess is that when she was little, every time someone came over to your home, she was right behind you, hanging on to your leg. She looked at anyone else who came into your environment as an invader. Who is this person anyway? He doesn’t belong here. This space belongs to Mom, Dad, and me. We don’t need anybody else here.
Only children—even those who aren’t adopted—also carry this fear: What if Mom and Dad die, and there’s only me left? Your daughter’s feelings of abandonment are hyped because she’s lost her dad unexpectedly.
By age 4, 80 percent of her personality was formed. That included you and your husband in the tight circle of intimacy she allowed. Without you having siblings or parents, you became her everything. Her only family. But the self-sufficiency she developed at an early age made her resistant to accepting other people in her heart. Deep within, she feared losing any people she became close to.
Then suddenly, when she was 9, one of the two people she trusted was ripped away from her. Her fears of being abandoned from age 2 and earlier surfaced in her subconscious because she lost her daddy.
But gluing your daughter to your side isn’t the answer. Both of you are individuals, and you need time apart. Counting only on each other in this intense time of grief isn’t a good idea. Each of you needs time to heal. You’ve been through a lot, and so has your daughter. But having your child sleep with you for the sake of mutual comfort isn’t healthy for either of you.
Children are all about rituals and patterns. Once they’re established, they’re hard to break. You should never start a ritual that you can’t continue through your child’s grade-school education. Will your daughter still sleep with you when she’s 13, 15, 17, 19? Then don’t cripple her emotionally so that she thinks, Without Mom, I can’t do anything. I’m nothing.
Someday you too will die. It’s a fact of life. What will your daughter do then if she has learned to rely only on you?
So tonight, for your daughter’s long-term health, tuck her into her own bed. Hug her good night. Tell her how much you love her. Then say that each of you needs to sleep in your own bed. “Mommy will always be here for you, but we need our own rooms and some alone time. So I’ll say good night now. See you in the morning. It’s Saturday, so we can decide together what fun thing we want to do.”
Yes, it will be tough. She may whine, cry, or even pitch a fit. She’ll sound pitiful, and you’ll have to brace yourself. You’re the adult here. A slow leak in this situation is disastrous. It’s better to force a blowout and get it out of the way. You need to wean your daughter from relying only on you—for her sake and yours. Times of separation are normal, necessary, and healthy.
It also would help each of you to talk to a trusted professional to get through the critical initial stages of grief.
He Only Hangs Out with Girls
Q: My son has always struggled to find friends. It doesn’t help that my husband left our family when Sam was only 7. Since then my son has seemed suspicious of any guys—even my well-meaning brother, who tried to step in to take him to father-son activities. Sam has chosen to hang out with girls. He told me once they’re “safer.”
That was okay when he was younger, but now that he’s entering high school, he’s getting picked on for only having girls as friends. How can I get my son to see that balance—having both types of friends—could actually be a good thing? Or should I let his friendships play out as they are?
A: My best guess is that your son is wrestling with what a lot of young people wrestle with—gender identification. He may identify and feel more comfortable around women than he does around men. That could be for myriad reasons, including the fact he lost his father when he was young and he’s spent most of his time around women.
Interestingly, it’s usually the opposite-sex parent who leaves an indelible imprint on the child. Although I was reared by a mother and a father, it was my mother who was continually present in my life. She put up with my numerous antics as a child, stayed calm, and powered on, believing in me despite all the opposition (and there was plenty).
For example, when I was a late teen, I announced at the dinner table that I was getting engaged. I was dirt-poor, working as a janitor making $195 a month. Yet I’d put a $200 deposit down on a ring. Let’s just say Jim Carrey doesn’t have exclusive rights to Dumb and Dumber.
My mom, who’d probably been worn down by my shenanigans, only said calmly, “That’s nice, dear. Would you pass the peas?” She had the common sense to take anything I said or did in stride. That incredible quality is one of the reasons I remained so close to my mother all my life, even the times I was the lowest and thought I’d never become anything.
I tested her for years until God finally got ahold of me and I did a 180 in my life. To this day I am much more comfortable talking at a party to a group of women than to a few men. Why? Most likely because my mom was so involved in my life when I was young.
I deeply respected my father, who had only graduated from the eighth grade. He had his own business—laundry—and never made more than 12 grand in a given year. He was always busy and not involved much in family life as I was growing up. After dinner he would find an excuse to go have beers with the boys.
It wasn’t until age 56 that my dad became a Christian and did his own 180 in personality and behavior. I then had the incredible opportunity to have a great relationship with him, including a lot of fun, until his death at age 74. Though we weren’t close when I was growing up, I was grateful not to have any unfinished business with him. When I think of my father, I know he was far from the perfect man. Yet for a guy with little schooling, he did okay. He managed to take care of his family to the best of his ability.
But your son has been lacking any daddy influence since age 7, so he’d be understandably more comfortable with girls. Encouraging more guy friendships at this point may only frustrate him and make him feel incompetent. Of all the people in his life, you need to understand and support him. He needs your consistent love.
The best thing to do is let his friendships play out the way they are. He seems happy and healthy, and at his age, he should have his choice of friends. Nobody wants their friends picked by someone else. And no high school boy wants father-son activities forced on him, particularly by someone who isn’t his father.
In this case, it’s best to stay out of the fracas. However, a well-timed comment, if he mentions getting picked on, would be, “I’m sorry that happened to you. The friends you choose are your own business. But keep your options open, Son. I believe in you, and I’ll always support you in whatever you choose to do.”
If the peer pressure about his friendships really bothers him, he may seek out some male friends . . . or he may not. What he does in that arena isn’t important in the long run. What’s critical is keeping the conversation flowing between the two of you so his heart is open toward you. Then he can talk to you about anything. You’ll have a good relationship with that son of yours both now and in the future.
Separation Anxiety or Something Else?
Q: I have a 3-year-old. Because I’m a single working mom, Katarina spends a lot of time at my neighbor’s, who watches her during the day for me. Usually she loves it there, because my neighbor is a stay-at-home mom who has a daughter a little older than Katarina. There’s an instant, happy playmate for my daughter, so I don’t feel as guilty leaving her.
A week ago when I went to pick her up, though, my neighbor wasn’t there. Her younger brother was. Katarina ran for me, crying, as soon as she saw me. Every day since then she has cried and clung to me when I take her to my neighbor’s.
My neighbor’s the mom of four kids. She says my daughter’s probably going through the typical phase of separation anxiety and will get over it. But my mommy guilt and radar are at an all-time high. Is this truly a phase, or is something else going on? This behavior came out of the blue and is so unlike Katarina. How can I reasonably address this with my neighbor and my daughter?
A: Moms are instilled with a keen radar system when it comes to their kids. If your radar is blaring a signal of danger, you’re wise to pay attention to it immediately.
Obviously you’re between a rock and hard place. You depend on your neighbor to watch your daughter. As a single mom, you’re not only bringing home the bacon, you’re cooking it too. You need income to stay afloat.
Katarina has been happy at your neighbor’s before, but suddenly things have changed. With that behavior on the part of a 3-year-old, I suspect something might have gone on that day that’s detrimental to your daughter’s health. Before you respond, however, think carefully. What has changed? In this case, the flag of concern is waving wildly. Your neighbor wasn’t there when you went to pick her up, but her younger brother was. I’d suspect he’s the trigger for your daughter’s crying.
Don’t ever take chances in a situation where there is a potential pedophile or abuse of any kind. I know this is a tough decision to make. Your job may also be on the line. Making this kind of switch is very inconvenient. However, as a single mom, you know your first response to almost everything in life should be, “How does this match up with my daughter and her needs?”
That means you don’t return to that home with your daughter. Now might be a good time for a short vacation to spend a day or two with your daughter and to find somebody else to watch her. If Grandma and Grandpa are nearby and have a good relationship with your child, wonderful! It’s time for them to pitch in and help. Or if they live in another state, they might consider visiting your home for a week or two to help with the transition.
What do you do about your neighbor? Since you’ve had a good relationship with her, it would be wise to have a little conversation. But make sure you have it when you can be calm and loving toward her. In this situation, she may have no idea that something happened in her home to prompt your daughter’s fears.
Tell her, “I’m having a difficult time understanding why Katarina is so upset now. She always loved coming here to play with your daughter. But when I picked her up after your brother was here, she ran to me, crying. Now she doesn’t want to come here. Since this arrangement isn’t working any longer, I’ve made other plans.”
You can’t walk in the door and accuse somebody of abuse, but you can at least generate some conversation that may give your neighbor food for thought. Perhaps when you walk out the door, she may think about a few past dealings with that brother of hers. She may put two and two together. No woman wants to believe that her brother could be a pedophile.
This won’t help your child, because you won’t be returning to that home regardless. However, your loving words may help some other child your neighbor ends up watching. Not to mention that if her brother is a pedophile, then her own daughter is in danger of abuse. Most perpetrators of abuse are, sadly, family members.
So pay attention to that mommy radar. It’s usually spot-on. Remember, being a parent isn’t always easy or convenient. In fact, the word parent comes from the Latin word parentis, which means “protector.” That’s your role, and it’s time to play it without backing down.
Suicide Risk or Just Discouraged?
Q: Noah, my 16-year-old, feels like he isn’t good at anything. He’s not an athlete, not a good student, not a guy that girls like. . . . The negative litany goes on and on. But he stopped me cold yesterday when he said, “I might as well kill myself since I’m good for nothing.”
I asked, “What do you mean?”
He shrugged. “What I said.” Then he went into his room and shut the door.
I couldn’t sleep all night, and I frequently listened at the door to his room. I’ve kept tabs on him for two days (thankfully it’s a weekend, and I don’t have to work). Could my son be a suicide risk? Is this a teenage emotional thing or a real cry for help? Should I get a counselor involved?
A: Let’s slow down and take things one at a time. First of all, I learned a long time ago that kids sometimes throw things out there to get attention or sympathy because they’re bummed out and don’t know what else will do. When I was a dean of students at the University of Arizona, I’d often get calls from parents who were sleepless because their son or daughter had called to say how unhappy they were at the university. They painted a bleak picture of what was happening at school and how their child was feeling. Back in those days, when the university was acting in loco parentis, I’d call the kid in.
“Hey, Adam, I wanted to talk to you. I got a call from your mom and dad. They’re very concerned about you. They said you’re having a negative experience at the university and you’re feeling depressed. Things aren’t working out.”
The kid would duck his head and wave dismissively. “Oh, that. I unloaded on them last night. I got a C on a project I thought I aced, and I was really upset.”
The bleak picture kids sometimes paint doesn’t usually last long. It’s a cheap way to get a stroke or a bone thrown their way by their parents.
“It can’t be that bad,” the parents say, giving their son the opportunity to vent more.
It’s like a 4-year-old who says about his drawing, “This isn’t any good,” and tears it up in front of his mom’s eyes. That action is a manipulative setup for her to say, “Now, why do you say that? It’s a beautiful drawing!” Behavior only continues if it’s encouraged.
I’d tell the worried parents to simply listen to what their student said and not get their blood pressure up. “Don’t fall for the ‘woe is me’ line. Instead, say, ‘Wow, sounds like things are rough there sometimes. But you know what? You’re a good kid and a tough kid. I believe in you. I know you can overcome this.’”
It was amazing how the nature of the phone calls from students changed when parents followed my advice.
My guess is that right now your son is feeling sorry for himself. He’s working hard to get an artificial stroke or hug from you. His words are a cry for attention. For now, allow your son to have his feelings, but don’t join the pity party. If his behavior continues—if he continues to be a recluse, not venturing out of his room, not contacting his friends or hearing from them—then you’re in tougher waters. Taking your son in to see a trusted professional is a good idea.
You know your son better than anyone else does. Is he working you for sympathy? Is he momentarily discouraged and it’ll take a few days to wear off? Or is it something larger, more serious?
If he continues to withdraw or you see any signs of him moving toward taking his own life, act immediately. Make an appointment right away with a professional and insist he go with you. Don’t leave him alone for any period of time. As a parent, you are his guardian. His physical safety comes first.
In this situation, your parental gut will come strongly into play. You’ve seen your son in all types of situations. Does he normally act like this when he’s discouraged? Have you seen a repeated pattern develop? Or was his response prompted by an event that will blow over in its emotional intensity, given time?
You, of all the people in the world, know him best.
Abused by Her Boyfriend?
Q: We’ve never been crazy about my daughter’s boyfriend, Jason. They’ve been dating for over a year, and he has always seemed a bit too controlling. Though they’re almost always together, he checks up on Kara when she isn’t with him. He even slugged a guy who said hi to her.
Kara insists he’s just protective—that he loves her so much he wants to make sure she’s safe. She thinks it’s romantic, but that kind of intensity scares us. We’ve tried to split them up, but we couldn’t change her mind.
A month ago, on her seventeenth birthday, she came home with a rip in her skirt. She said she tripped. But a friend overheard Jason yelling that her skirt was too short and made other guys look at her. He’d said that she was his and she better not think otherwise.
When I confronted her with what I’d learned, she passed off what happened as her fault for wearing something she knew he wouldn’t approve of. She said he loses his temper sometimes, like everybody does. Kara’s always been the kind of person who wants to please others and make them happy, even if it hurts her.
Yesterday when I got home from work, pieces of her bedroom lamp were all over her carpet. She quickly said she’d been klutzy and dropped it, but her hands were shaking. My husband and I suspect that Jason broke it and then left.
We’re worried, but what can we do? We can’t force her to break up with him. We love our daughter, and our parental gut says something is deeply wrong with this “love.” We want Kara to be safe.
A: A parent’s intuition about their kid is usually right on the money, and you need to trust it. Kara has a pleaser personality, and she’s fallen for a controller who is out of control. It’s a very typical scenario that plays out in many relationships.
An abuser often has the kind of charming personality that draws a pleaser in unwittingly. His jealous behavior toward other males and his control of her at first comes across as flattering and romantic to her. He reels her in with all kinds of attention and showers her with presents.
Then, once she’s within his control and he’s removed her freedom without her realizing it, his “personality” changes slowly. His moodiness shows more often. He criticizes her, yells, threatens her—essentially intimidating her and playing mind games. When she’s with others, he starts to put her down and embarrass her. All these steps will isolate her further from anyone who could help her. Their arguments increase, but because he’s such a “great guy,” she thinks it’s her fault. She’s not good enough and should do better.
Does any of this sound like your daughter and her situation? To me, what you’re describing is the classic stage 1 pattern of abuse.
In order for the abuse to continue, there’s a very important element that has to remain in place—denial. Right now Kara denies there’s a problem with her boyfriend. She claims the responsibility is all hers. It’s what she did that forced him to rip her skirt, break the lamp, and treat her the way he does. No doubt she’s feeling the tension in their relationship. Because of his power over her, she’s continually walking on eggshells. Likely when he gets angry, she tries to calm him and reason with him. She sacrifices time with others—even her family—to appease him.
Let me assure you that this type of relationship is not about love. It’s about power and control. If you don’t step in, he’ll have free rein to move to the next stage, where she could be injured physically.
Stage 2 is increased verbal abuse and also physical abuse. He moves from ripping her skirt and throwing the lamp to hitting her. After such an event happens and he sees the bruises, cuts, and other damage he’s done to her, he’ll cry. He’ll say he’s sorry. He’ll promise, “I’ll never do that again.” He’ll undermine the seriousness of his abuse by adding, “Thankfully, you’re not too badly hurt.” Then he’ll pass the blame. “It’s just that I had a terrible day, and I really needed you. But you were somewhere else, and that made me very angry.”
Nobody gets angry without their own permission. And hitting someone for any reason is not okay—unless you’re an MMA fighter, of course.
She’ll stay away from him for a night or a few days until he cools down. Then he’ll feel guilty and might bring her a present—flowers or a necklace. He’ll reiterate, “It’ll never happen again.” He’ll promise to do anything she wants.
Believing his behavior is a one-time thing, she’ll forgive him and make up with him. She’ll be happy, thinking they’re done with this rough hurdle.
Not so. When he gets his way, he can easily move to stage 3, where he increases the abuse. He might “pretend” to choke her, beat her more severely, or force sex on her. She again tries to reason with him and fights back. She might even threaten to call the police. However, when he says he’s sorry, she forgives him and goes back to him, believing he still “loves” her.
Sadly, this cycle repeats itself multiple times. Abusers don’t stop their patterns. They are endlessly manipulative in reassuring their victims that “this is the last time,” that they really will change their behavior. But those promises won’t be kept. Abusive controllers continually use a sick combination of psychological tactics, inducing fear, shame, and isolation.
Your daughter doesn’t know it yet, but she needs a loving intervention from the people who love her most—the two of you. Do it soon. Today if possible. Tell her honestly what you see in the relationship and what that means from your perspective. Go over the stages of abuse. Insist she not see her boyfriend or have any contact with him until she has an appointment with a counselor. Because you know she’ll deny what’s happening—she already has—the very best option would be to pick her up for an “outing,” and have that outing be at the counselor’s office with the appointment already booked.
Your daughter will be angry. She might feel betrayed. She might initially hate your taking control of this situation. But down the road she’ll be relieved you stopped things before they got worse.
In these cases, it’s best if a third party—a professional counselor—handles walking through what is happening and why it’s happening. You’re too emotionally invested in your daughter to see the picture clearly. She already knows you aren’t crazy about her boyfriend. She might think or say, “You’re only doing this because you don’t like him.”
When a third party tells her the truth, she is more likely to believe the scenario. Also, the counselor can help her figure out why she puts up with and excuses his controlling, abusive behavior. Understanding why is vital to her future well-being and having healthy relationships.
This is one of those nonnegotiable hills to stake your flag on as a parent. The guy she thinks loves her is using intimidating means to force her to submit to his wishes. You must be immovable in your drive to ensure her safety. That is your first and most important assignment as a parent.
But the next is just as critical for her future. You need to support her as she explores with the counselor why she’s fallen for that kind of guy and accepted such behavior. If she doesn’t discover the underlying reasons, she will get out of this relationship and right into another controlling one.
Women tend to settle for what they think they deserve. But abuse of any kind is never what anyone deserves. It must stop—now.
Your daughter has a right to be loved the right way, and to be loved like that from now on.
Changeable Friends
Q: My teenage daughter found out the hard way how changeable friends can be. The secret she thought she shared with only her three closest friends—which boy she liked—became gossip central on a group chat.
She’s so embarrassed, and she feels really betrayed. She says she can never trust anybody again . . . ever.
What can I do to help her get over this hurt?
A: Things could be much, much worse, believe me. Gossip about boys is abundant. Give it a day or two, and the chat groupies will move on to the next hot “potential dating couple” news. Today she might feel like she’s dying of humiliation, but she’ll feel better in a couple of days. By then she’ll either have made up with those friends or dumped them. If there’s one thing that’s predictable about the teen years, it’s that gossip and friendship are as swift and fleeting as a flash of lightning. She doesn’t have the life experience to know that yet, though.
Most parents would say, “It can’t be as bad as you think.” All this does is increase the volume of her wailing. To her, it’s the end of the world as she knows it.
Other unhelpful things to say would be:
“Don’t worry. I’m sure only a few people know about it.” Wrong, since any news of that caliber instantly spreads far and wide.
“There’s nothing wrong with liking a boy.” But something is terribly wrong with letting him know it. Her embarrassment has made her duck and run for cover every time he’s within a mile radius.
For now, she’s hurting, and she’ll be dramatic about it. Girls usually are, because they’re verbal creatures, using 10 times as many words as boys. She’ll talk in extremes, using always and never prolifically.
When she says, “I’ll never trust anyone again,” the typical parental response is, “You don’t mean that.”
Don’t go there, parent. Actually, at present she does mean that. She has been hurt, violated, and betrayed. The friends she thought were safe ended up sharing one of her secrets. So don’t try to paint a rosy picture or wave your magic wand. Neither tactic works with hurting kids.
First, validate how she feels. Her feelings aren’t right or wrong. They’re her feelings, and they’re real. “I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. It really does sting when somebody you thought you could trust turns on you.” You can also share an experience or two of your own where you trusted somebody else with private information, and it came back to bite you.
Since the situation already happened, you might as well bring something positive out of it—a teachable moment. Continue by saying, “You may not always be able to trust your friends, but you can trust your family. We’ll always be here. You can confide in your sister, your brother, your dad, and me.”
You may not think she heard you, but she did. She’ll reflect on your words in other situations down the road. Next time she might keep her little secrets in the family.
Adolescents are changeable. They change friends as fast as they change underwear. Gossip central is worse because most teens today don’t have any filters for what is and isn’t okay to post. Once any news is shared in electronic form, it’s out there and can’t be recalled.
Now that you know what you know, how will you respond the next time your daughter flings herself into the kitchen and says, “I can’t go back there—ever! I want to change schools”?
The old you might say in a shocked tone, “What do you mean, change schools? Why do you want to change? What’s wrong?”
The new you will say, “Wow, something must be brewing at school for you to say that. If you want to talk about it, I’d love to hear it. If you’re not ready, that’s okay too. I respect that.”
See the difference?
Make your home a calm, safe harbor, and she’ll want to return—no matter what kind of day she’s had.
We’ve Tried Everything
Q: We’ve tried everything with our son, who has been in and out of trouble since he was 11. He’s defiant and crass with anybody in authority, even though we didn’t raise him to be that way. He’s been kicked out of a private school we worked hard to get him into. He only lasted a month in public school before he was expelled for starting a fight.
Last year he was arrested for using drugs. We emptied our savings account and sent him to an expensive rehab. But nothing’s working. He only gets more and more angry and deeper into drug usage. He says we can’t accept him for who he is.
By that, he means that he thinks he’s gay. But he can’t be. We’re a Christian family, and he hasn’t grown up that way. It’s just another way that he’s rebelling, because he knows it bothers us. For some reason he’s trying to get back at us. We didn’t do anything to him—all we’ve tried to do is help him. What else can we do?
A: Your son’s behavior is screaming the answer to that question loudly. You’ve supported him financially and rescued him from the consequences of his actions for years. But you haven’t given him what he’s longing for the most—acceptance.
He’s angry with you because you don’t . . . and won’t . . . try to understand him. Because of that, he’s trying every way he can to get your attention. He doesn’t know how to make that happen in a positive manner, so he’s acting out negatively by fighting, getting expelled from school, and using drugs.
At their core, every human being is longing for belonging and acceptance. Your son wants you to accept him as he is. If you don’t, he’ll look for acceptance elsewhere. That includes with his druggie friends. And if he can’t find belonging in your home and see it as a safe harbor instead of a place with tumultuous storms of disagreement every time he enters it, he’ll seek his belonging elsewhere.
So what can you do? Put aside any feelings you have toward the subject of his sexual orientation. Instead, accept him as he is. No conditions. No judgment. Simply allow him to be who he is—your son.
But that doesn’t mean you should continue to put up with his bad behavior or rescue him from the circumstances he caused himself. Love doesn’t mean allowing him to run over you because of guilt.
You need to clear the air. Be the adult. Apologize for the way you have treated him in the past. You have no idea how the words “I’m sorry for not accepting you. Would you forgive me?” can be the tipping point to change your relationship. Start there, then work on the rest. From this point on, he needs to know that you accept him but that you will no longer rescue him from his messes.
If he’s arrested again for drug usage, you do the hardest thing in the world. Wait a few hours before you go to the police station. When you get there, don’t immediately bail him out. Allow him to stay in the holding cell for a night.
In court, he needs to be the one who stands in front of the judge by himself. You can be there, but at the back of the room instead of by his side. Let reality—the atmosphere of the cell, the police officers, and the stern, unyielding judge—do the talking for you. No lecture from you is needed. Isn’t it far better for him to learn a hard lesson now, when he’s under 18 and still treated as a juvie rather than an adult?
Stop spending your money. Stop rescuing him. Instead, accept him for who he is and simultaneously allow him to accept the consequences for his actions. That’s tough love, and the only way to fly in this situation.
Teased Because of His Weight
Q: Aaron, 11, has always been a bit chubby and has faced his share of teasing. He’s seemed to weather it okay, though, since he’s had a good friend who’s popular and always stood up for him.
Last summer, though, his friend moved away. Now it’s hunting season on my seventh-grade son. Every day I can see his head hanging lower when he gets off the bus. Nobody has ever really bullied him physically, so there’s not much I can do about it. But I hate to see him get so beat up emotionally. How can I best help my son?
A: Anybody who is different in any way is going to get hammered in the peer group. Your son might be smart, get all the awards, be the star clarinet player. . . . It doesn’t matter. Nobody escapes the attention of middle schoolers, who are insecure and can become savage beasts in their drive to be top dog.
It’s pretty hard not to have your day in the barrel, so to speak. If Aaron’s chunkier than average, he’s easy to pick out and pick on. Worse, the only friend who stood up for him is now gone. Your kid’s had the rug pulled out from under him.
You can’t change the way his peers are treating him. But you can change another part of the equation. Practically speaking, your chubby seventh grader didn’t get that way by eating green beans and asparagus. If he’s like me, when I go to a restaurant I cut to the chase. I order a bowl of carbohydrates and a bowl of fat grams. I go light on the vegetables.
So let me ask you: who brings the junk food into the house? It isn’t the seventh grader. It’s usually Mom, who shops at the grocery store and keeps plenty of ice cream, cookies, and chips on hand.
So do what’s practical. Give your son the opportunity to eat more healthy foods. Purge the junk from your fridge, freezer, and pantry. Move the whole family toward a healthier diet. You’ll be doing all of you a service.
Also, is your son physically active? Is there a sport he’s interested in? Could the two of you walk in a park after school or swim on the weekends? Could you invest in a punching bag for the garage or sign him up for tae kwon do?
With a healthier diet and some increased physical activity, your son should naturally slim down. You can’t control everything he eats, though. When he’s at school or outside your home, he can always find junk food. So how do you instill in him the desire to eat the right kind of food?
That’s where a visit to the pediatrician comes in. Call the doctor in advance. Tell her you’re concerned about your son’s weight and that he’s getting picked on at school. She can be a third party to tell him that he’s at an unhealthy weight and needs to change his eating and exercise habits. Then she’ll insist on a follow-up appointment.
“When I see you in April, Aaron, I’m going to put you on the scale again. I want you to be X weight,” she’ll say. “It really has nothing to do with the way you look but everything to do with your health. You’re carrying too much weight for your height. I know you can do this. I look forward to seeing you in six months.” And she’ll hand him a list of directives to follow to get healthy.
If a third party who’s a respected authority is involved, you don’t have to become the nagging, lecturing parent. The doctor will state the facts for you. She’ll slip your kid the commercial announcement he needs to hear.
Moving your child toward physical health won’t happen instantly. It took years for those pounds to settle in, and they won’t come off easily. Furthermore, losing weight and getting fitter won’t solve all of Aaron’s social issues. However, being healthier will improve his mental and emotional state. He’ll feel better about himself, which will help him navigate his world much more easily. It will also give him a more competitive edge for his future endeavors.
That’s worth a few inconveniences now, isn’t it?
He’s Anti-Everything and Doesn’t Care
Q: Sean is anti-everything. His actions scream, “I hate you, so don’t even try to approach me.” The kid who used to skateboard with his friends has become the loner who retreats into his bedroom after school and listens to what my wife and I call “screamo” bands.
When I try to ask him anything, he doesn’t respond. The most I can get out of him is a shrug, “Dunno,” or “Whatever.” He acts like he doesn’t care about anything or anyone. He isolates himself from everyone. His old friends don’t contact him. His grades have fallen so far we wonder if we should pull him out of regular high school and put him in a trade school. It’s like he’s lost all motivation. We can’t get him to do anything. He’s just dull.
We don’t know what else to do. Help!
A: Wow. Thanks for the easy question. Whenever you see such dramatic changes—including being a loner, not caring, not contacting friends, and grades slipping—there’s a high probability that he’s found an unhealthy way to deal with his stress. Your phrase “he’s lost all motivation” is a flag for me that he’s smoking weed.
Sure, you can drag him to a shrink to see why he’s in stuck mode, but my guess is that you’ll have minimal success. He’s given up. He doesn’t care. School in general isn’t working for him. Switching to a different school won’t improve his attitude.
What you can insist on, though, is a physical checkup. Let the doctor know in advance, out of your son’s hearing, that you want her to run a drug test. Share with your doctor what you’re seeing. That way she is well informed in advance of the visit and can be the third-party heavy. The results of that test will help you form next steps.
Not choosing to do anything is still choosing. He’s playing possum in life. An event might have put him in a tailspin and prompted him to give up. Has something intense happened in your family? The death or illness of a sibling? A divorce and second marriage? If so, some professional counseling might be helpful. Or, as I suspect, he’s using drugs and needs a medical intervention.
However, a little shock treatment of your own would be fair. Clearly, he needs a wake-up call. “School evidently isn’t working for you. You don’t seem to care about it or give it any effort. So it’s time to do something different. It’s time for you to get a job. Everybody in this family works in order to contribute. I work downtown. Your mom works part-time and does all the laundry, cooking, and cleaning at home. Right now, you aren’t doing anything. In order to stay in this home, you are required to contribute. We’ll give you two weeks to search, but we want you to have a full-time job by the end of the month. It takes money to live. While you were a full-time student, we fully supported you. But now it’s your responsibility to give back to this family.”
He’ll probably look at you in shock and then possibly get angry. If so, good. You’ve accomplished your first goal, which is to at least prompt a response of some kind from Mr. Possum. Part of the reason for his retreat is to manipulate you and your feelings. He shut down so he can get what he wants—attention, even if it’s negative.
You shrug. “What you do next is your choice. You can go back to school, study hard, catch up, and make it count. Or you can get a full-time job. You can’t live with us forever. Without an education, it’ll be tougher for you to get a job. And by the way, now that you’re no longer a student, your allowance is suspended. You can make your own spending money.”
That sounds so mean, you’re thinking. Clearly the kid is messed up and hurting. Yes, he is. However, if he is on drugs, where do you think he got the money to buy those drugs in the first place? If he doesn’t have a job, he got it from you, his parents. You unwittingly supported his habit.
When his money source is cut off, he can try borrowing from his new “friends.” But when he can’t pay them back, those friendships will go the way of the dodo bird. Good riddance, in my opinion, since they aren’t healthy relationships to start with.
If you want to turn the tides, you’ve got to be firm. You can’t back down. This situation could be more serious than you might think. The longer your kid stays shut down, the more possibility there is that he’s depressed.
In today’s social milieu, you can’t commit anyone to an institution to improve their mental health unless they’ve harmed someone or themselves. Believe me, you don’t want to get to that point. You don’t want your kid to be someone who makes the news headlines.
The old adage is true: you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Yet you can give him a swift kick in the direction that’s good for him.
That’s exactly what’s needed in this situation.
Ex Is Remarrying
Q: My ex and I parted ways a year ago. We fought constantly so agreed it was best for us and for the kids to divorce. We still see each other because of shared custody and occasionally at family gatherings. On the surface, we get along and tolerate each other.
That relationship got strained further, though, when he started bringing a girlfriend to the family gatherings. All of a sudden my older son started making comments and hatching plans to try to force me and his dad to get together again. Things got really awkward.
Last week my ex-husband announced they’re getting married. My son got so angry, he punched his fist through the kitchen window. He yelled, “I hate you! I hate her!” the next time he saw his dad, and he now refuses to talk to him.
I don’t like what my ex is doing either—especially so soon after our divorce—but it is what it is. It’s his life, and I have my life. We both have to make our own choices. But I can tell my son’s really hurting. What can I say and do in a situation like this? It’s not like I can change anything.
A: No, you can’t change this situation, but you can hug that son of yours a lot more often. Most kids of divorced parents have dreams—which are nearly always unrealistic—that Mom and Dad will get back together. But this time, they think, it’ll be perfect. Everybody will get along.
Your son has had his fantasy blown sky-high by this marriage news. He’s understandably angry. However, putting his fist through the kitchen window isn’t the answer.
As a mom, you need to have an open, nondefensive stance. “Hey, I can tell you’re really going through a rough patch right now. I want you to know that I notice. If you ever want to talk, I’ll listen. And just so you know, I’m hurting too. This isn’t easy for me either.” Such wording builds a bridge of communication through empathy.
Then you add the dash of realism and your support. “You and I don’t like what’s going on, but we can’t change it. Dad will make his own decisions. We’ll make ours. But I’ll always be here for you. I love you very much and I’m glad you’re my son. I’m so proud of who you are.”
That son of yours may not talk now, but you’ve given a warm invitation for him to talk when he’s ready. You’ve also affirmed the kid who is feeling betrayed by a father who would bring another woman to a family event.
When a kid needs some TLC, there’s nothing like warmth from good ol’ Mom. You can validate his need for belonging, acceptance, competence, and love. A good hug from behind when he’s staring out the kitchen window is a great touch. Your son needs to know that his family, shattered as it is, is still a safe place for him.
Your ex should have had enough sense not to do what he’s done—bring a girlfriend to a family event and decide to get married. But you can’t own what isn’t yours. He’s no longer married to you.
Do what you can. For example, if that girlfriend is living with your ex, you can pull the plug on your kids visiting. If your ex says, “Hey, wait a minute. It’s mandated by the court that the kids have to come,” you say, “Well, in spite of that fact, your son doesn’t want to come.”
That’s simple and truthful and asserts your son’s right to choose where he lives and visits. What your ex does next is his call. Right now your son needs a mama bear who protects her cub to the utmost of her ability.
Q: Our daughter, Amy, is 16. A couple of months ago she went to a party with a group of girls. Somebody slipped a drug in her drink. What happened next is fuzzy to her, but she woke up aching the next morning in a hotel room she didn’t remember going to. Flashes of the previous night hit her, and she vaguely remembered having sex with multiple boys. She started shaking and vomiting, then passed out. A hotel staff member found her and called 911, and she was taken by ambulance to the hospital.
My husband and I had been frantic all night, trying to track down a couple of the girls we knew. Glen finally got a call from the hospital midmorning, when Amy was coherent enough to tell them our phone number.
When we saw our daughter, she was trembling and fearful—very unlike Amy. My husband was furious. He pursued going after the boys with the police. The resulting investigation over the next weeks revealed the culprits. We were even angrier when we discovered this wasn’t a first offense for two of the boys. We’re still continuing the legal battle to this day.
If I could turn back time, I’d make sure this event never happened. Amy used to be playful and adventuresome. Now she’s reclusive and stays at home instead of going out with friends. I’ve caught her doodling, “It’s my fault . . . all my fault.” She jumps at noises, refuses to wear anything except thick sweatshirts and sweatpants, cries easily, and sleeps wrapped in a thick blanket even in the heat of summer. She refuses to see any of her friends and doesn’t want them to know what happened to her. She’d rather cease to exist in their lives than have them know she was so stupid, she says.
My husband and I are intensely concerned about her and the impact this traumatic event will have on her life. What else can we do?
A: You’re doing all the right things in this terrible situation. You should go after those young men legally with everything you’ve got. It won’t change what happened to your daughter, but it may save some other girl from becoming their victim. It will also show your daughter that you believe what happened to her and that you fully back her.
What happened wasn’t consensual since Amy was drugged and sex was forced on her, but a victim of rape always feels guilty. She wonders, What could I have done differently? Did the way I dress make them do that to me? A victim thinks that the rape was her fault, that she “asked for it.”
Rape is not about sex. It’s about power—power over someone weaker than you. It’s not a mistake. It’s a crime. That’s why you have to go after those boys. Sadly, such crimes are not unusual today. With the male drive to compete as top dog, a lack of control, increased testosterone in the teenage years, and alcohol and drugs mixed in, anything can happen. And it did—to your daughter.
Amy needs a thorough physical checkup. I know she had one at the hospital, but some aftereffects may not show up until later—in her blood work, for example.
How your daughter is responding is normal for trauma victims. Like soldiers who return after battle, she flinches at noises. She’s also dressing in a way that camouflages her body so nobody will see that she’s a girl with a figure. That’s because she still thinks she holds some responsibility for what happened.
Your daughter needs assistance from a rape crisis center or a counselor who has dealt with survivors of rape. She needs an outsider who can help her wade through her feelings and the aftereffects of that experience.
She also needs some loving instruction that will help her feel safer in the future. We all can command our feet where to go. We can walk into situations that could be dangerous and unhealthy—such as parties where alcohol and drugs are clearly involved—or we can take a pass and choose to do another activity that doesn’t carry as many inherent dangers.
This experience will stick with Amy. She needs your love, support, understanding, and listening ear as she heals. Pushing her to go out and spend time with friends isn’t the answer. Getting her some professional help is.
What she needs to know most is:
You already did one of the best things you could—immediately went to the hospital as soon as you found out. That one act means more than you will ever know because it cements your concern and love for her firmly in her mind.
Abused Kid Now Beats Up Others
Q: I’m trying hard to love my stepson Mark, who is now 14. My wife’s previous marriage was a rough one with an abusive husband. After ending up in the hospital a couple of times, she decided she had to get out of the situation—if not for her own good, then for her son.
By then Mark was 9 years old. His most vivid memory, he told his mom once, was when his dad threw her across the room and Mark heard her back hit the air conditioner, kicking it on. Awful, huh?
We married last year, after several years of dating. She was understandably cautious. I was happy about at last providing a stable home for Mark. But he’s gotten worse. Now he’s become the kid who hurts those who are littler and weaker and even takes on older guys who outsize him in a fight. The pattern of beating others up and getting beat up keeps repeating itself.
My wife and I are worried about him but feel helpless. I feel so bad about the way he had to grow up but don’t want him to end up like his dad. Ideas?
A: When you grow up watching and experiencing physical violence in your home, you’d think it would repel you. However, the terrible reality is that, if the abuse is commonplace, kids can become almost anesthetized to it. It happens so often that they actually get used to it. It becomes a common, “comfortable” situation.
Think about it this way. Let’s say you have an old T-shirt that’s tattered and almost falls apart when you put it on. It doesn’t look good to anyone else, but you’re used to it and it’s comfortable. So you continue to wear it because it’s part of your comfort zone. You identify with it. Life wouldn’t be the same if you didn’t wear that shirt.
Abusive behaviors are horrific, but the cycle can continue because the victims and perpetrators get used to it. That’s why people who are abused can easily become abusers themselves down the road.
Mark grew up in a home where his mom was treated as lower than an animal. Every time that happened when he was young, it reinforced his developing worldview that she as a woman was merely on earth to absorb her husband’s wrath, ridicule, and poor treatment. Because his mom had been so belittled and beaten down, she accepted the treatment as normal for a period of years. By allowing it, she conveyed to her son, “I’m not worth it. He can say and do anything to me and I’ll just take it. It doesn’t make any difference.”
Often abused women stay in relationships for financial reasons or because they think it’ll be better for the kids. But her not saying no and staying with her abuser until Mark was 9 showed him a pattern of negative behavior toward women in general. Also, his mantra of how he would treat others developed: I only matter if I’m tough and strong and can dominate others . . . like my dad. Otherwise, I’ll get eaten alive.
Although Mark hated what his dad did to his mom and how his dad treated him, it was familiar. He got used to it. When he grew older, likely he said the same things as his dad. He also did some of the same things as his dad—like beating other people up.
But he also now feels unconsciously guilty for his behavior, because he remembers his mother’s pain—that memory of her back hitting the air conditioner. So he allows himself to be beat up because dealing with the physical pain is better than the mental pain of recalling the memory.
What can you do? You can psychologically disclose for Mark what you think is going on. Pull him aside, man to man. “I know life has hurt you badly. As a result, you’re angry and you want to hurt others. You also feel guilty for not being able to protect your mom, so you want to be hurt. Neither behaviors are healthy ways to live, and they’ll destroy your life down the road. I care too much about you to let that happen. So here’s what we’re going to do.”
You outline the plan, which includes counseling for what has happened to him in the past. And if he continues picking on other kids and fighting, the repercussions will be real and instant. He’ll be pulled from the activities he loves to do, like the track team. He won’t be able to game with his buddies on Friday nights.
Mark will test you to see if you mean what you say. You stick to the plan and never waver. Then you conclude by saying, “Now is the time to make a change. I believe you can do it, that you’re powerful enough to change your behavior. The next time you have the urge to hit somebody, I want you to think, What do I usually do? What will I do differently this time?”
I know that’s a tough assignment for anybody. Because Mark’s behavior patterns are ingrained, it’s like telling an alcoholic not to drink or a druggie not to shoot up. Striking back at someone else verbally or with his fists has been Mark’s immediate high. So he needs something else to replace that fallacious adrenaline rush.
There’s a distinct difference between the average male and female when they feel angry, upset, or sad. Males will tend to fight back physically. They’ll hit each other or punch walls. Females will tend to cry or lash out verbally. They’ll slam doors. However, as society is changing, it’s now becoming more common for girls to go after each other physically.
Helping Mark learn how to deal with his anger now, at 14, is critically important for the safety of everyone in your home. That includes your wife and any younger children you might have. As he bulks up to become a young man, his growing size will make him even more powerful . . . and a potential threat with his abusive tendencies. He has no track record of being kind to women. He didn’t see that quality patterned in his own father.
What he needs most is a firm, no-nonsense, loving encourager who believes in him enough to urge him on toward behavioral change and hold him accountable for it. You can be that for him since you are the new person in the equation.
Will it be easy? No—he’ll hate you sometimes. Yet you already knew stepping into this marriage and instant fatherhood wouldn’t be easy. It’s just been a tougher transition than you’d imagined. But the stakes are high, and every effort you put in now is extremely important not only to Mark but also to the welfare of your entire family.
A Diet Craze . . . or Anorexia?
Q: My 13-year-old daughter is constantly on her phone, watching YouTube videos about her favorite stars’ lives. She’s almost fanatic about it.
In the past year I’ve noticed she’s eating less and less at meals and seems to comment a lot about how “fat” she is (she’s five foot three and weighs about 115 pounds!) compared to every other girl. She’s adopted a lot of crazy diets lately—insisting on eating only lettuce with no dressing. When I tell her she should get more protein in her diet, she gets mad at me for “controlling” her life too much. We end up at an angry impasse.
I’m seriously getting worried because her size 3 clothes now hang on her. But I can’t make her eat. What now?
A: No, you can’t make her eat, and yes, you have reason to be concerned. If this had happened only once or twice—where she felt like she was fat and had to go on a diet—I would say it’s a typical young teen phase. However, this behavior has happened for a year, and the diets she adopts seem to be getting more extreme. No growing girl can exist on lettuce.
Also, note the word controlling. Girls who suffer from anorexia (eating very little or nothing) and bulimia (binge eating, then vomiting to purge their overeating) feel controlled by others. They feel like they have no control over anything in their life except for their eating, and that’s why they focus on it. They often have perfectionistic moms or dads who plan out their life for them and expect them to follow that road map. They feel they can’t make any decisions of their own.
Those with eating disorders have a myopic view. They don’t see themselves the way we see them. You notice your daughter getting skinnier by the day. She may look in the mirror and view herself as fat.
Although your daughter is already making comments about being too fat, she’s hardly fat at her height and weight. However, anorexia and bulimia aren’t really food issues. They’re control issues. Often kids who develop these illnesses are perfectionists. They are detail oriented—likely she’s already researched her favorite stars’ height, weight, and BMI and is trying to match them. If an actress says she eats only two apples a day to maintain her best look on camera, your daughter will try that. She’s likely keeping records—on her phone or in her head—of every calorie she eats.
At her age, your daughter’s body is changing significantly. She may just have gotten her period. If she eats too few calories, not only does she get skinny, but she can throw off her body’s natural rhythms and hormone cycles. When the body doesn’t get enough food, it stores calories as fat, which takes longer to digest. Ironically, by starving herself now, she is increasing her risk that she may gain weight more easily once she’s an adult.
Anorexia and bulimia (as well as cutting) are illnesses that have to do with control and perfectionism. They are serious and can lead to all types of physical ramifications. If not curtailed, anorexia can lead to death. Singer Karen Carpenter’s death was the first highly publicized death from anorexia that I can remember. It was a tragic wake-up call to a lot of parents whose young girls were struggling with that very issue.
You can’t deal with your daughter’s behavior by yourself. You need to hightail it to a medical specialist who deals in eating disorders. Depending on the extent of your daughter’s illness, she may be able to overcome it with counseling, or she may need some rehabilitation. In-care centers such as Remuda Ranch exist for that very purpose. Do some research and take action to get your daughter help immediately.
Karen Carpenter was a beautiful, talented woman. The struggle with perfectionism and control that led to her eating disorder wasn’t noted as a serious issue until her destructive patterns had already been set. Then it was too late for anyone to help her change her mind-set.
It’s not too late for your daughter. But she needs your loving intervention to be physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy.