Driving her car one morning, a woman overshot a stop sign. She was stopped by a police officer, who recognized her as his former English teacher. “Madam,” he said, “those stop signs are full stops, not commas.”
A schoolma’am asked the inspector at the gate, “Which platform for the local to Kanpur?”
The inspector replied, “Ma’am, if you turned left you will be right.” Recognising him as one of her former pupils, she chided, “Don’t be cheeky, young man.”
“Ma’am, then if you turned right you will be left,” he quipped.
The school teacher was speeding and was stopped by a policeman. Seeing it was his former teacher, the bobby didn’t give her a chaalan and advised: “Drive safe.”
“Say, safely.” Commented the teacher.
“What?”
“You have corrected my driving and I am correcting your grammar.”
The student wrote ‘untill’, and the teacher advised her: “There is a single ‘l’ in ‘until’. Correct the spelling.”
“Do I remove the first ‘l’ or the second?” queried the pupil.
The teacher was taking a class of modern English poetry. One student seemed puzzled. “How come the poet uses capital letters in the middle of a sentence and misspells some of the words?” she wanted to know.
“This is called poetic licence,” the teacher explained.
“Oh,” the student asked, “how can I apply for one?”
An NCC cadet impatiently waiting for the marching practice to end, kept sneaking repeated glances at his watch. Suddenly, a furious instructor thundered, “What are you doing?”
“Marking time, sir,” came the prompt reply.
To the question, “Which noun is trousers?” One boy came up with the following answer: “It is an uncommon noun. It is single at the top and plural at the bottom.”
The teacher was telling the virtue of consulting a thesaurus. After the lecture, he asked a student: “What is a synonym?”
One bright scholar answered: “It is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.”
As he goes through the report card, a father’s frown dissolves into anger. “Such miserable marks deserve a sound thrashing.”
The son answers: “Fine, papa, I know where the teacher lives.”
Ramu: Do you think anyone can tell the future with cards?
Shyamu; My mother can tell.
Ramu: How can you say?
Shyamu: She took one look at my report card and told me what would happen when my father got home.
After a lecture on humour in American literature, the professor asks: “Who is Dorothy Parker?”
Promptly answers a student: “The proprietor of Parker pens.”
Teacher: Ramu, what is your favourite breakfast cereal?
Ramu: “Serial, Sir? Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thee.
Teacher: You failed the English test. Did you read my book?
Govinda: Sir, I did not fail because I read your book but because I was ill.
I don’t think that I did so badly in the test that you gave me a zero,” complained the pupil.
“I agree that you did not deserve a zero, but I don’t know a figure lower than that,” countered the teacher.
In the moral science class, the teacher advised that you should say nothing about the dead unless you say something good.
Student: “Even about Veerappan?”
Teacher: “Yes.”
Student: “He is dead. GOOD.”
Teacher: Rita, you made the same mistakes in the answers as Sita sitting next to you. What do you have to say about this.
Rita: We both have the same teacher.
Child: Why do they call our language, the mother tongue?
Father: Because fathers seldom get a chance to use it.
Beant Singh was participating in a quiz programme in his school in Ludhiana.
The quiz master asked: “How much is two plus two?”
Beant: “Twenty-two.”
Master: “Wrong. But I give you another chance.”
Beant: “Six.”
Master: “Wrong again. However, I give you one final chance.”
Beant: “Four.”
Before the quiz master could say anything, the audience chanted: “Give him another chance. Give him one more chance.”
The English department announced a special class on ‘creative writing’. Buta Singh wanted to enroll and asked the professor the duration of the course. “Twelve months,” was the reply.
When Buta got the enrolment form, the duration was stated ‘one year’. Buta was upset and complained to the teacher: “You told me that the course will last twelve months but the form says ‘one year’. I can’t spend such a long time taking this course.”
Teacher: Let me hear how far you can count.
Ramu: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, jack, queen, king.
Teacher: “I am taking all my forty children to the zoo today.”
“Forty? You have forty…”exclaims a shocked bystander.
“Yes, I am their class teacher.”
A natural history teacher takes her class to the top of the hill to emphasise the peace and quietness of the place. “Keep still and listen to the silence,” says she.
After a while one student whispers to another, “I don’t hear anything, can you?”
The school picnic was in a row boat watching the splendours of the setting sun on the horizon. Suddenly, Buta Singh shouts: “Let’s row closer to the sun to watch it better.”
Dinesh: I need to borrow your pencil.
Ganesh: You know what Polonius said: Neither a borrower nor lender be.
Dinesh: Point this kid to me and I will teach him to mind his own business.
After an argument with the principal, the English teacher came to the class and rested her head on the desk. One child asked, what was the matter? Without raising her head, the teacher uttered only one word: “Tense.”
Thy child recited: “You were tired, you are tired, you will be tired.”
Some mischievous kids bring a donkey to the class. The teacher enters, surveys the scene and says: “Boys, I see there is one more of you today.”
An inquisitive 10-year-old asks her father: “Daddy, tell me, how eclipses of the sun occur?”
Father scratches his head and after some thought, replies: “Er, I don’t know.”
“Then tell me, daddy, the height of Mt. Everest.”
The same scratching of the head and reply: “I don’t know.”
Two more questions are asked and the reply is the same. The girl folds up her notebook and starts to leave.
“Where are you going? If you don’t ask questions, how will you learn anything?” admonishes her father.
At a contest held during a Delhi college-leaving social, a group of girls were asked the question: “Would you marry an immensely rich man with no brains or a brilliant man with little money.” The one good, who got the prize, said, “I’ll take the rich one, because I have got the brains.”
A former minister of education with antediluvian ideas had introduced Jjyotirvigyan and Purohitya courses as subjects in universities that required a good knowledge of Sanskrit. But this ancient language is not easily mastered and was causing problems for students. Here is the lament of a scholar parodied from an old ditty:
Sanskrit is a language
As dead as it can be.
It killed the ancient Hindus,
And now, it is killing me.
An inspector of schools went to the Hindi class and asked a question. “You have been taught the Ramayana. Tell me, who broke Shiva’s bow?”
There was silence all around After a while, one boy raised his hand and said, “Sir, I don’t know who did it, but it wasn’t me.”
The inspector turned to the teacher and admonished him for not doing his job properly. The teacher said, “Rest assured, sir, I will find out, who broke it and let you know.”
In disgust, the inspector called the headmaster and narrated the whole story. The headmaster was contrite, and told the inspector, “Boys will be boys, sir. Please forget the matter, and I will see that no bows are broken in future.”
The warden was in the habit of taking a round of the hostel at odd hours. After one of his silent visits, late at night, the resident wag next door peeped in my room and whispered, “You know, Professor Dar passed away peacefully.”
Buta was terribly indolent and failed in his class, three years in succession. The principal was disgusted and asked Buta to go and find a job. Buta wanted a certificate. Not wishing to hurt Buta but also not wishing to give a false certificate, the principal wrote: “Any employer will be very lucky if he makes Buta work for him.”
Students of geography of the Dibrugarh University were taken in an excursion to the Majuli Island, the largest riverine island in the world in the Brahmaputra river. Standing on the southern embankment, one student wanted to know from the teacher whether the water went around the entire island.
The teacher gave her class a maths problem involving a leaking tap. She noticed that one pupil had written a number that appeared quite senseless. “What does this number mean?” she asked.
“It is the phone number of our plumber,” was the sagacious reply.
At the kindergarten, the four-year old was being taught the basics of addition. “What is one apple plus one apple?” asked the teacher.
“Two apples,” said the child after a brief thought.
“Good. Now tell me, what’s two apples plus one more apple?”
“Much better,” was the prompt response.
Buta was playing all the time and was not doing well in the class. So his mother reprimanded him. “Buta,” she said, “I wish that you’d pay a little attention to your studies.”
“But I do, Mom,” Buta replied. “I pay as little attention to it as possible.”
Teacher: There will be an eclipse of the moon, this evening. You all must watch it.
Krishnu: Which channel?
India is a cricket crazy nation. So, no wonder that this happened.
In a Bible class, the teacher asked where was the Garden of Eden and what was it known for.
One child answered promptly: “Eden Garden is in Calcutta and it is a famous cricket ground.”
Art Master: Radha, I asked you to draw a horse and a cart, but you have drawn only the horse. Radha: Yes, sir. The horse will draw the cart.
Two teachers went to the dhaba near the school and ordered two teas. Then they produced sandwiches from their jholas and started to eat. The owner came over and told them: “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here.”
The teachers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and exchanged their sandwiches.
The teacher was telling the story of how Archimedes discovered the principle of specific gravity that is named after him. “One day, he noticed that when he got into the bath, the water rose displacing the water equal to his body volume. He ran down the street, naked, shouting “Eureka, eureka!” The teacher asked whether any one in the class knew what ‘eureka’ meant.
One in the class took a wild guess: “I am naked, I am naked!”
The English teacher asked a student, “Give me a synonym for injustice.”
“When my father makes a mistake in the homework and the teacher blames me.”
February 2004 had 29 days instead of the usual 28. The teacher explained that every fourth year, they added one day to the month of February. “So, by the year 2020, February will have 33 days,” said the third-grader after some mental calculation.
Student: “Papa, will you please help me with my homework?”
Father: “I am sorry, but it won’t be right.”
Student: “Well, at least you could try.”
Mother was shocked. Mugging up, the four-year-old was repeating to herself, “Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.”
The next day, the mother confronted the teacher, who was equally mystified. The pupil was asked to repeat what she was memorising. Then the teacher burst out laughing. The child was told to remember that “Two and two, the sum of which is four.”
The little girl asked her friend to come and play in the evening. “No I can’t,” called her friend from the window. “If I don’t watch papa, he won’t do my homework.”
Johnny of New York was not getting any help from his father in doing his homework. He announced: “Dad, I think I will outsource my homework to India.”
Punjab Agricultural University at Ludhiana prefers to admit students from within the state. A column in the admission form asks: “Length of residence.” Buta Singh from Patiala filled in: About 100 kms.”
With great annoyance, the teacher asked a boy: “Why do you always answer a question with a question?”
“Well, why not?” he countered.
With an air of innocence, Rita asked: “Daddy, can you write with your eyes closed?”
“I could try. But why?”
“Then sign this,” said Rita, thrusting forward her report card.
The class was taken to the circus. One little girl was asked how did she enjoy the visit. “Fine. But I did not think much of the man who threw knives at the woman.”
“But why not?”
“He missed every time he threw a knife,” replied the little girl.
Teacher: Which is farther away, England or the moon?
Ramesh: England.
Teacher: England? What makes you think so?
Ramesh: Because we can see the moon but we can’t see England.
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Anand.
Anand: It’s there on the bottom of the map.
Teacher: That’s right. Now, Gopal, who discovered Australia?
Gopal: Anand, sir.
The master was very annoyed with the careless ways of a boy. He pointed with his cane and said, “There is a great lazy bum at the end of this stick.”
“Which end, sir?” asked the cheeky boy.
Teacher: We will have only a half-day of school, this morning. Class: Hurrah!
Teacher: We will have the other half, this afternoon.
A child wanted to join the swimming class in the school, but the mother would not agree to it. She said, “I will not let you enter the water until you know swimming”
A three-year-old went to a kindergarten where all the staff wore identical aprons.
When her mother asked what she thought of the teachers, she replied, “They all have the same body but different heads.”
These days, freebies are being offered with all kinds of merchandise. Tired after a hectic shopping, a mother buys a bottled water to quench her thirst. On the bottle are printed ‘BACTERIA FREE’ under the brand name. The little girl tugs at her mother’s saree, and whispers: “You haven’t taken the free bacteria, Mummy”.
This was long, long back. I was coaching my grade III daughter for her history examination. I told her to remember that India became independent in 1947, the same year she was born. Sure enough, she was asked this question.
Her prompt answer was: “India became independent in the year I was born.”
Arun’s doting mother admitted him to a play school. She gave the teacher a long list of instructions, and the final was: “Don’t ever punish him. Just slap the boy next to him, that will frighten Arun.”
The teacher asked a little girl, “Why did Robinhood rob the rich?”
The girl thought for a while and replied: “Because the poor didn’t have any money.”
A kid came home from a prep school and told her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned today how to make babies?”
Shoked, mother kept her cool. “That’s interesting.” She asked, “And how do you make babies?”
“Simple. Just change y to i and add es, answered the kid sharply.
Renu was composing a letter to her cousin and taking a long time. Her mother asked: “Renu, why are you writing the letter so slowly?”
“Because Manju is just learning to read and cannot read very fast.”
The solicitous neighbour asked the father: “How does your son stand in the class?”
“Usually in the corner,” replied the father.
Teacher: “Why are you so sad?”
Boy: “I requested my father for money to buy books, but he sent the books instead.”