While browsing in a bookshop, a woman asked a salesman where the computer section was located. The salesman directed her to the back of the shop and asked, “Is there something specific that you are looking for?”
“Yes,” replied the woman, “my husband.”
Advised to use Roman numerals to number his thesis chapters, the scholar said, “But my keyboard doesn’t have Roman numerals on it.”
A man boasted that he writes things which the whole world reads: Stuff that elicits strong emotions from people all over, makes them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger…
Actually, he writes error messages for the Microsoft.
The conference rooms at the offices of the Internet giant Yahoo have names like Coherent, Disposed, Consistent and Definite. This way, if someone asks, “Where is John?” you can say, “Oh, he’s in coherent”, or “He’s in disposed”, or “He’s in consistent”, or “He’s indefinite.
After being involved in a serious accident, a man was rushed to the hospital. When he regained consciousness, the doctor asked his name.
“Kishore Bhandari, the man replied.”
“And your address?”
kbhandari09@yahoo.com
Three Microsoft scientists were on a long car trip when they got a fat tyre. They stopped and studied the situation. The sales manager said, “What we need is a new car.” The service guy said, “Wait, let us switch some parts around until it works again.” The software engineer said, “No, just turn the car on and off a few times to see if that fixes the problem.”
He came back home all flagged out, flung himself on the bed and called out to his wife: “I have fever and I possibly got the viral from my computer.”
A computer engineer went on a long trip. He sent this e-mail to his wife:
“Brought hardware and software but forgot underwear. Courier them at once.”
He was very busy solving a problem on the computer and had no time even to eat. His wife brought him a plate of sandwiches and urged him to take bites as he worked. He assured her, “I will delete them promptly.”
As he passed the site of a car accident, a computer programmer remarked, “The brake disk drive crashed.”
His parents bought a computer and e-mailed him: “This is really going to be fun.” The boy groaned: “I don’t know about that, but now I have parents at home and in cyberspace too.”
The effect of computers on young children was brought home to me recently by my four-year old son. A visitor asked him to spell his name. Of course, I can—A-M-R-I-T … enter.
Buta goes to a shop selling furnishing materials and demands to see some drapes. “Show me some curtains for my computer.”
“For your computer?”
“You see, I have installed Windows on my computer.”
When he had a computer problem, Beant Singh was advised to go to the menu bar. So he started his mobike and headed straight for the nearby Chandni Bar and asked for the menu card.
Question: What do you do when the computer overheats?
Answer: Open all the Windows.
Beant had frustration written large on his face, and so Jaswant asked him what was the matter? “I am trying to download gold from www.goldmine. com but without any success.”
A programmer fled a complicated data in the computer but got an instant answer. The chap fed the same data to recheck and got the same answer, but a line was printed at the bottom of the screen:
YOU ASS, THE ANSWER IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
“How many genders are there?” An Internet-addicted child was asked by the teacher.
“Three: Male, female and e-mail,” said the bright one on the computer.
Question: What is the thing that travels faster than e-mail?
Reply: “Gossip.”
A proverb of the cyber time:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the ‘net’ and he won’t bother you for weeks.
Complains an employee about his boss:
“His byte is worse than his bark.”
Old saws resharpened:
“The mouse is mightier than the pen.”
“A picture is worth a megabyte.”
“The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the snail-mail.”
“C:\ is the root cause of all directories.”
“Pentium wise and pen-and-paper foolish.”
“Too many clicks spoil the browse.”
“The geek shall inherit the earth.”
“Don’t byte off more than what you have on your disk.”
“To err is human, but to really foul up things, you require a computer.”
Motto on the door of a cyber café: “In Gates, we trust.”
To the present-day kid, computer lingo comes very easily. The mother opens a book and asks the child which story she wants to be read to her. Says the kid: “I don’t know. Let’s open the main menu and see what stories are in the book.” Amused, the mother opens the Table of Contents and shows her.
A computer is almost human—except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.
A comment in the papers:
“The rumour spread far and wide by the word of mouse.”
You will know a computer geek when a man does something nice to his motherboard on the Mother’s Day.
Latest office gossip:
The boss has got a new laptop, curvaceous and blonde with a notebook.
The computer-age seven-year-old saw her grandfather pounding away on his manual typewriter. “Gee!” she said, “there is no monitor and your keyboard has a printer attached.”
A sage advice:
“Don’t curser when your wife doesn’t get your breakfast in time.
He had a friend come over for coffee and gup-shup. His four-year-old daughter asked: “Papa, what were you telling uncle?”
“Oh, nothing in particular. We were just chatting.”
“But where was your laptop?” queried the cyber-age child.
A kindergarten teacher was playing the favourite game of the tiny-tots by asking them to make sounds that different animals made.
The dog barks: “Bow-wow.”
The cat says: “Meow.”
And for the mouse, one bright one said: “Click.”
The wife of an Internet addict confides to her friend: “Only I know how I am surferring him.”
An advice given by a software vendor to a customer:
“You must first upgrade your downloaded software in order to download our upgraded software.
Question: Do you know that a computer can work faster than a human?
Answer: Because it doesn’t have to answer the phone.
The day is not far when you will get a message like this:
“Hello, I am the computer. So far nobody else knows that you haven’t paid your grocery bill, but if you don’t pay within a week, I will put it on the Net.”
Heard at the Infosys tennis court:
“You need to practise your back-space drive.”