These days many newly-passed medicos don’t care to take the Hippocratic Oath. They now believe in Hypocrites Oath.
R.L. Stevenson probably had in mind some of the Indian medicos, who got admission on leaked question papers when he wrote, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Such doctors kill and then hide!
The doctor from the All-India Institute of Medical Sciences called to treat the American ambassador who had this to tell His Excellency: “Sir, diplomatic immunity doesn’t give you immunity from disease in India.”
Professor Mathur of the Agra Medical College tells this story: “We were in Paris to attend a conference. We were served only wine at meals and desperately wanted a drink of water, but couldn’t make the waiters understand because they didn’t know English and we didn’t know French. Desperate, we asked the hosts the word for water. ‘Aqua,’ he said. And all our lives, we have been writing ‘aqua’ for water in our prescriptions!”
The professor of medicine gave this practical advice in his valedictory address to the passing graduates:
“If you know not what the problem is and do not know how to cure it, call it an allergy.”
The demonstrator of the medico-legal department was guiding the budding medicos. He said that if a man was brought for autopsy with slit throat and a bullet lodged in his chest, what would be the first thing that the student should look for?”
A bright student said, “I would first see whether there was any evidence of foul play.”
There was a long queue at the pathology lab of the medical college. When the turn of the girl came after three hours, she turned to her mother and quipped: “I now know why a sick person is called a patient.”
He was admitted in the medical college hospital with an injury. The student nurse came into the ward where he was lying and gave him an injection. The jab of the needle was so sharp that he roared with pain.
Worried, his wife wanted to know, “What was that?”
The nurse told her, “A pain-killer.”
Soon after passing out of the military nursing school, the girl gushed to her family: “I have been allotted to the infantry—you know, I have always loved children.”
During the final surgery examination, the professor asked a student, “Why do surgeons wear a mask during operations?”
“So if anything goes wrong,” the student offered, “no one can recognize them.”
Soon after Independence, a newly appointed health minister goes for inspection of the medical college. He brightens up in the department of radiology. “Well, I have a radio which is not working. I will send it along. Please set it right,” he requests the professor. (Yes, I know it’s an old one; but I will bring it anyway!)”
In some north Indian medical colleges, students went on strike at the drop of a hat grievously disrupting patient care. During one such flash strike, one disgusted patient decided, “Well, I think I will go home and die a natural death.”
The doctor was examining the mother with a stethoscope. The three-year-old whispered to his older sister: “What is the doctor doing?”
“You silly, the doctor is telephoning mother’s inside to find out what is wrong,” was the all-knowing reply.
Asked by the examiner to describe the spinal column, a budding medico wrote: “The spinal column is a long string of bones: The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.”
At his anatomy practical, a student was required to draw and label a cross section of the spinal cord. After labelling the “Grey Matter” and the “White Matter” he was not sure what the remaining part was. He finally labelled it as “Doesn’t Matter.”
A fellow was getting frequent headaches and the doctor he consulted tried hard but could not help him. So he went to eminent professor of neurology, who asked: “Well now, who treated you before?”
“Dr. Raman.”
“I see. He is an idiot. I would like to know what he advised you to do. The fellow: “That I should come and consult you.”
The professor of urology died. The condolence resolution passed by the college said: “May his soul rest in piss.”
After giving a thorough check-up, the famous physician told the patient: “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it is due to drinking.”
“In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you are sober.”
Deft definition of a thermometer: “The only thing that is graduated with degrees but without any brains.”