For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
—PSALM 30:5
I (Mona Lisa) can still remember one of the scariest moments of my life. It was in 2001 when Seth was only five months old and being operated on. He was having kidney surgery and was under anesthesia for several hours. I waited and prayed and hoped, and then prayed some more, yet each passing moment felt like an eternity. I was so afraid that he was too little for surgery and that he would die on the operating table.
With each second, my heart broke a little more. Of course it all turned out all right in the end, but it was still a very tough time for us. Another challenging moment as a parent was in 2006 when Rosannah met and fell in love with Sergio while studying abroad in Mexico. I thought that she was too young, but Kip (the romantic that he is) encouraged her to find out if he really was “the one.” He was all for her marrying young. He reminded me that we were seventeen when we fell in love. Of course there is a double standard when it is happening to your own daughter. He trusted in her judgment and over time encouraged her to marry as soon as Sergio had gained Kip’s approval. Once again, Kip really knows how to trust what is in the hearts of our children, whether they’re choosing a career or a spouse.
All parents have moments like these, and Kip and I have had our share. Most parents know what it is like to be up all night with a sick child. The night can feel extra long. We have learned over the last twenty-seven years of marriage and ten kids later that if you just hang on to God’s hand through the nighttime, then “this too shall pass” and “joy comes in the morning.”
Sick children are one thing, but most marital problems stem from financial difficulties. Sadly, many couples argue about money. If we had money, we would probably argue about which vacation we should go on. In our case, the arguments result from the stress that comes from being short at the end of the month. Some would think that having the mom go out of the home to earn more money would solve all of the problems, but we have found that this can cause even more tension. I feel guilty if I am not working and we are struggling to pay bills. However, if I am at work I still feel guilty because I know that my family is not getting my best.
When we were newlyweds, Kip and I resembled the country song “Livin’ on Love.” Our first place together was in a little trailer park in Enterprise, Alabama, right outside of Fort Rucker. Kip was there for his army helicopter mechanic school. It was a very sweet and tender time for both of us. Then we moved to Manhattan, Kansas, and all was well for a time but life did get hard episodically.
It was during this period that we had to learn how to really communicate. I had to learn how to follow Kip’s lead. We moved again to a little town called McFarland, Kansas. Kip always reminds me of the legendary advice my stepdad gave him when it comes to marriage—“no refunds!” This is a pragmatic way of saying, “She is yours now, so the two of you must work it out whenever you have difficulties.” Kip has passed on the same advice to Sergio to assure him we never want to meddle, but we are counting on the two of them to make it through the tough times.
It was a blessing of sorts to be away from family in the sense that I could not “run home to Mama” every time we had an argument. We had no one else to run and complain to, so we had to both give in and resolve to work things out. Young children need to hear family stories like these to build a sense of understanding about true love. It endures through hardships and the sacrifices are well worth it.
Kip finished his first three-year tour in the army at Fort Riley, Kansas, a couple of months after our second child was born. He was taking classes at night at Topeka Technical College and working during the day. I cannot even remember what the job was because there were several, both temporary and part-time. He did what he could whenever he could to put food on the table. I really fell in love with him all over again during this time period because he was such a good provider and father to our girls. Our girls came along so quickly that Kip referred to their births as “Bing, bang, boom.”
Despite our financial hardship, Kip knew in his heart that God would take care of us. He wanted lots of kids and was trusting in the Lord to provide. Kip was doing his part by being a man and getting up every morning and going to whatever thankless job he had at the time. And he was determined to get an education. Kip did not end up using the technical degree that he earned but this degree did help him get accepted into flight school in the upcoming years. I, on the other hand, was weaker in my faith and wanted to put off having more kids. I was working the night shift as a certified nurse aide when I got pregnant with Serennah. I applied for a medical card to cover the pregnancy. I was very happy to have another precious baby but worried about the future. Kip was confident that God would help us finish school and continue to provide. His faith had him convinced that somehow I would manage working and having a third baby.
When I found out that I had been accepted into the LPN program, my first reaction was, “I cannot do this.” Kip’s reaction was, “God will work it all out.” And God did. He always does. Serennah’s birth was perfectly timed by her Creator, even though we had to take her to the babysitter when she was less than two weeks old in order for me to finish my nursing program. My heart was broken to have to do this but we were in survival mode.
After nursing school, Kip started his warrant officer flight training back at Fort Rucker and I only had to work a couple of days a week. Although I enjoyed these preschool years, I started to think that three kids might be enough for me. I had my hands full. After graduating flight school, at the top of his class (distinguished graduate), Kip had come a long way from being an uninterested C student at our public high school. He decided to finish his associate’s degree at Kansas State University at the Salina campus. This is where we actually bought some workbooks for Hannah and started some formal lessons. Kip entertained her with his calculus homework in the evenings while I worked the three-to-eleven shift at the nursing home next to our apartment. This was when something clicked with Hannah and math.
When Kip earned his AS degree, he went back to working here and there. There just was not much opportunity in the rural area of Kansas where we were living. This was the time where I could not give up my insecurities and just homeschool. I chose at the last minute to put Hannah in a private school, do private day care in our home, and work in nursing on the weekends. We lived paycheck to paycheck. Times were hard but I can honestly say that we always knew that things would get better. I longed for the day that I would not have to work and I could finally homeschool.
During the years when our older girls were in private school, I felt guilty that I was not homeschooling. It was our tough financial situation that was getting in the way. The winters in Kansas were hard on us Californians and we never could get used to the tornado sirens sending us to our basement. We loved our church and friends but we were so ready for a new adventure!
The military life was good and it was fun meeting new friends at each assignment. Kip and I had to deal with the stresses of moving around but our kids were sheltered from this because all of their “classmates” moved with them. And they always knew who their teacher was going to be at each new place—me! This is one reason we believe that homeschooling fits in perfectly with the military lifestyle. And no one will blame you for trying to homeschool if you are forced to move frequently. We know from consulting that even the most resistant in-laws are willing to go along with it if it makes things easier for the little “nomads.”
Early on Kip figured out that we should not be afraid to fail. As a family, we would ask around the dinner table, “What is the worst thing that could happen?” Whenever we ask this question out loud and everyone agrees that the worst thing would not be the end of the world, we pray again and then usually decide to go for it. This process of praying and going for it has become a way of life for us.
We are raising our kids to put up their spiritual antennas so they can hear God’s voice and then not be afraid to act. In the Bible, God asks people to step out of their comfort zones and trust Him. We need to not be afraid to try new things. Sometimes things just don’t work out and God closes a door. That is okay. We just move on and try something else until we get it right. We are raising our kids to not be afraid of failure.
With each new child applying to college, I would get nervous. I would begin to doubt and ask, “Is this child ready?” I would have to be careful not to share all of my insecurities with the child. Kip is our kids’ biggest fan. The kids are so pumped up after one of Daddy’s pep talks. They know that they have every right to be in a college classroom. I am not sure why I get nervous because they always exceed my expectations. I guess moms tend to see their kids as young and helpless. I get over it as soon as I see the excitement in their eyes after the first class session goes really well. So far, so good. Thank God. No one has dropped dead during an exam.
In 2013, we have the nice challenge of figuring out what Keith will do with his music degree at the age of fifteen. He would like to go to graduate school. We are looking in our local area but are having some trouble. We are exploring the possibility of his starting his own business. He wants to compose music for films. We hope that he won’t have to move away so young. This time around we have the luxury of having kids living in other states. Keith is looking in the DC area, where Serennah lives, and New York, where Rosannah is. Honestly, we want Keith at home with us as long as possible, but if the Lord opened some doors and he could live with his sisters, we might consider it. I say “might” because He would have to make it very clear and give us peace about it.
As we are preparing our seventh child (Katrinnah) to enter college, we feel pretty comfortable with how to help our kids make the transition from being homeschoolers to being part-time college students and then, eventually, full-time and on their own (academically). The tough challenges seem to always be related to finances. Once again our financial issue got in the way this past summer when Keith and Seth were unable to take classes. Part of our accelerated success has been that we believe in schooling all year-round, even at the college level. So now Keith will be taking a whole lot of credits in his last two semesters just to graduate on time. We sure do not like doing things this way but he is a trouper and has always been willing to work hard.
Keith was able to work independently when he was finishing up high school. I had to work the three-to-eleven shift during his last year of high school. He did very well but did earn a couple of B’s because I was not always around to make sure he was being taught the material to the point of learning 100 percent. Where most homeschoolers are able to get all A’s, Keith had to settle for a couple of B’s, but it was not his fault. Sadly, once again, the bad economy forced his mom out of the home and he did the best he could. He is on the dean’s list now semester after semester, so we are thankful that he was not “permanently damaged.” It is too bad that tough financial times can have this type of effect. The blessing is that in college there are tutor centers where students can get all of the help that they need. My kids have made good use of these centers and we are so thankful for that.
When we consult with others, we try to stress the importance of “teaching yourself out of a job.” What we mean by this is your child will outdo you and you’ll have to send them to college to keep them learning. As parents, you want to be there to answer 100 percent of their questions so that they are learning 100 percent of the material that they have chosen and they can earn all A’s. Why would you not do this? This is a wonderful benefit of homeschooling. If you do this under ideal circumstances, your child is getting a grade-A education. However, if hard times come (e.g. illness, unemployment, military deployment, the birth of a new baby, having to move, or taking care of an aging parent), then you have a student who can now at least earn B’s on their own.
Another challenge in our family has been a logistical one. I am sure that families everywhere deal with the same issue. Our younger kids, fortunately, still get to sleep in later than the college and working kids get to do. There is usually someone at home old enough to watch them so that I do not have to haul the little ones around everywhere as we get the bigger kids in college to class on time. It is usually in the afternoon that we have to all ride to pick up kids from college. The younger ones usually have their backpacks ready to go in the car so that they can catch up on reading or writing in their journals while we commute. The load gets a little lighter each time someone gets to be babysitting age or driving age. The more kids there are, the trickier the logistics get. But with that comes the additional helpers.
Kip likes to have the kids post a color-coded Microsoft Excel spreadsheet on the inside of the front door with the children’s combined schedules in time slots so he can help manage what has to get done each day and who has to be where at what time. He loves spreadsheets and he says by having the kids work together to create it, everyone gets a good idea of what is going on. Color-coded scheduling really works well for parents who are just trying to survive and gives new meaning to the emphasis we place on not leaving any child behind.
I keep telling myself that it will all balance out and eventually get easier. This hope gets me through the crazy days.
As I was writing these words today, I had so many interruptions and errands to run that just meeting our deadline for this book has been a challenge. In 2007, we started writing in a journal during our “free time” and it was more like a hobby. When we posted it online and we saw that there really was an interest in our story, we went back and wrote more in order to bring everyone up-to-date. Then after a Today show segment on our family aired, we signed a book deal with Simon & Schuster. Now our dream of having a real book has come true. I just wanted to sit and write today but I had to be up at five A.M. to send Kip off for his one-hour commute to work, consult over the phone with a single mom who is having difficulty homeschooling her son, drive Keith to his first day of class, hand him my PayPal card (thank God the payment posted for that phone consultation) so he could buy his textbook for class today, then figure out how to juggle money.
One day while I was apologizing to Serennah for not having the money to pay for something that she needed, she pointed out that our lack of finances has kept us humble. We do not have any high-maintenance spoiled brats in this household. We have never missed a meal; some of those blessed meals have consisted of beans and rice (nutritionally okay but harder for Kip to swallow), but we were still thankful. I told our kids that if you have never had your debit card denied while trying to make a purchase, you have not lived! I was joking at the time, but as I thought about it some more, I agreed with Serennah. These humbling moments keep us from getting too proud.
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An eternal question about children is, how should we educate them? Politicians and educators consider more school days in a year, more science and math, the use of computers and other technology in the classroom, more exams and tests, more certification for teachers, and less money for art. All of these responses come from the place where we want to make the child into the best adult possible, not in the ancient Greek sense of virtuous and wise, but in the sense of one who is an efficient part of the machinery of society. But on all these counts, the soul is neglected.
—THOMAS MOORE