Robbie gives Dag a big fat roll a cash. Kinda burns me up to be honest. Just cuz Dag lives in Pinebluff Glenn Estates, fat boy thinks shes more responsible than me? If shes so responsible, how come she spends so much time on Yellow Street in Robbies craphole? If anyones in charge of us three kids its me. Dags been following me around since she started public school. Yeah, I know. It sounds like she wants my wiener. She dont though. Cant blame her either. Like I said, Im mad short.
* * *
School was where me and Dag first met up. Recess, three years back. Guess you could say it was fateful and whatnot. She rolled up while I was trying to crack open the ribs a this bird. You know, for science. I mean, the bird was dead. Aint like he was pecking me. But Dag rolls up and starts bugging cuz she says Ill catch bacterial plague. So I dig around till I find this DVD in the gutter called Hope Floats and I start using that instead a my hands but Dag doesnt approve a that either cuz she says Sandra Bullocks is a Oscar winning actress and you have to respect that. I was like, bitch, Sandra Bullocks aint ever won a dang Oscar! And she starts talking Oscars like shes a professor of Oscar studies. Godfather Two and Ben Hur and Rain Man, all kinds a crazy sharkweek.
* * *
Im not even gonna front. Shorty schooled me serious, so when the recess bell ringed I asked if she enjoyed cool junk cuz I knew this dude Robbie that has a place thats like the Minas Tirith of junk and if she wanted we could go there after school. Then I had to educate her what Minas Tirith is. Girlfriend hadnt ever seen Lord of the Rings! Knew five million fun facts about Sandra Bullocks but not a single thing about Hobbiton or Mordor. Im telling you I about pooped my pants. She came over and thats how I started knowing Dag and how she lives in Pinebluff Glenn Estates and has two good parents and a sister called Lotte in the nuthouse.
* * *
Thats how me and Dag, and then Midget once Moms fostered her ass, how we got hanging together the three of us with Robbie. Cribs stank as hell but I didnt lie about the junk. Best rusted ass crap you ever seen. The front yards got a go cart skeleton and a big huge engine from I dont even know. Airplane, maybe? Midget can squeeze her whole body inside it and take a nap. Backyards even better. Theres a semi cab back there and old fridges and fascinating motorcycle wheels and a million bed springs that make a rust storm every time the wind kicks up.
* * *
When Robbie gets feeling low he goes on about how it didnt used to be junk. He says back when he lived here with his real biological family all the junk was work his dad was doing for pay. I guess his dad had wizard skills at fixing objects. Robbie says everything was shiny and amazing. Me, I prefer like it is now. You could build yourself a Peter Jackson castle out a all that junk with walls so high nobody could ever do evil to you or drag your butt to school or nothing. Walls like that, you could protect your family. Even if your fam is just three half ass kids with nowhere better else to go.
* * *
I dont have the personal muscle tone to push all that junk around myself. Too dang skinny, cant lift for sharkweek even though, for real, my abs are tight.
* * *
Its not that we aint psyched to have fat boys cash, its just weird, right? So while Dags doing her hair up and Midgets doing a tinkle I take a sec to glop the cheese outta my pinkeye and ask Robbie what drugs hes got on hand to put inside the candies cuz I aint seen him use in forever. Fat boy scratches his greasy hair like a dog and wipes the grease across all ten thousand a his pimples.
* * *
Robbie goofs up a grin and says <Dont worry about it, little man, I have a brand new hookup.>
* * *
That dont set me at ease zero. I remember fat boys last hookup and that ended poor. Robbie got late with the chip and got beat down hard. His ear bled for a hour and his eyebrow flopped down like a fake mustache. Dag goobed iodine or peroxide or some kind a medical liquid on it while Robbie cried how he wasnt gonna ever use again, how he was gonna go cold turkey, all that. Dag didnt question none a that sharkweek. She just fixed his mangled face clean as a doctor. Made me proud as hell.
* * *
Now its like Robbies forgot his own personal history. He tells me how hes gonna call his new dealer man while we do Walgreen and how hes gonna order up a big package but I say <Why dont you do it right now, mister chicken man?> Sometimes Im dumb as hell. Robbie leaps up all dramatic and chucks a Us Weekly at me and after he misses he starts chucking heavier items that used to belong to his pops like the stapler and the stool and the Seinfeld mug. I bob and weave like UFC. Nobodys got the skills to slow down my evasive action!
* * *
Whole things pretty enjoyable till a hand exerciser hits Dag while shes beautying her hair and she whips around cold as ice. Dag dont have to say a word when shes pissed. Robbie hangs his head down shameful and looks at his pops broken old Seinfeld mug. He looks at it like its meaningful and the big new crack in it is meaningful too. He sits in his Dominos box chair and apologizes real sensitive.
* * *
He goes <I really regret my actions, Dagmar.> When Dag puts her hand on her hip all doubtful he goes <Of course Id never want to accidentally hurt you or Midget, you both mean so much to me.> When Dag crosses her arms like shes skeptical Robbie goes so low its nothing but whispers. <Wont you please forgive me?> Thing is, with Robbies greasy ass hair and crusty ass pimples and sad ass face, dang. Even I feel bad for the man. We three are the only people fat boys got.
* * *
Dag sighs like whatever, but its enough to get Robbie puppy dogging. He jumps up and claps his hands and says how about he fixes us supermilks when we get back? Just like that the whole mood a the day changes.
* * *
Supermilks the bomb. Robbie used to have a wonderful job holding road signs that told folks to drive slow cuz a construction and it was lucrative as hell. Back then he fixed us supermilks all the dang time. Now theyre rarer than gold. Mostly only Christmas and birthdays and Easters and whatnot. St Patrick too cuz Robbie claims hes Irish, the great great great great great grandson of an Irish king and one day hes gonna inherit an actual real ass castle with a real ass moat thatll protect all our royal asses. I doubt it but who knows. Robbies full a mystery.
* * *
The recipe for supermilk is first you take whatever streetready junk you got lying around. Doesnt matter if its blow or ice or X or H or K or any a those alphabeticals cuz theyre all getting blended up in the blender. Next you pour in some sugar, and malt if you got it, and definitely plenty a milk cuz growing children need milk for powerful bones. When its blended real smooth you serve it up in special frosty glasses you frosted in the freezer. Then guess what? Then you get crunk!
* * *
Supermilks cold and creamy and also a fun surprise cuz you never know how its gonna play. Best trip I ever had was this time everything in the crib went real pale, the yellow stains on the ceiling and the mice turds in the carpet, all a it paling real bright like the world was a plastic bag and I was seeing right through it. Once for like an experiment Dag gulped her supermilk real fast and kept saying how her heart ached and we laughed cuz it was a funny thing to say but it was true cuz I felt it myself, real careful so I didnt touch her titties, and her heart was like it was trying to break her dang ribs.
* * *
For Midget, the time I think about most was when she seizured and supermilk came out her mouth looking like cool whip and me and Robbie got afraid and put little sister in cold bathtub water even though Dag kept giggling. When Midge woke up she licked it off her paws cuz I guess she thought it looked like cool whip too and you know how shes psycho for sugar. I laughed but Robbie didnt. He looked serious as a easter island head, like all the people he ever cared about just kicked the big old bucket.
That’s how Mr. Toppen told us to begin a letter if you didn’t know who to write it to exactly & I don’t know who to write it to exactly bc I’m writing to both of you equally. If you’re confused Mom & Dad this is your son Robbie & you might say How Is That Possible bc how did Robbie who we LEFT BEHIND get our address to write us but it was easy. You always underestimate me bc I did poorly in school & then got involved in Violence but I’m not really very dumb.
All I had to do was call Uncle Gary & at first he said piss off go away & I shouldn’t call you Mom & Dad & he cried bc I bet he was picturing Mom as his little sis back in the day but I was Very Firm & I told him I’m their son who Mom & Dad LEFT BEHIND & I had a Legal Right so he gave me your current address & said God forgive me & please do not visit Mom & Dad in person. That part made me mad bc I wouldn’t do that to Mom who hates big scenes & I’ve already embarrassed both of you so much since all the Violence.
Don’t panic Mom & Dad although I was LEFT BEHIND all I want to tell you is I’m taking good care of the house after you left Very Quickly without warning me at all. Your #1 concern is probably How Can Dumb Robbie Pay The Bills but I’ll have you know Mr. Toppen taught us how to do bills bc some kids had Drunks & Druggies for parents & so bc of that lesson I paid some bills with No Problem although now I have to stop bc I went ass up bankrupt which brings me to Money & how I don’t have any left.
Don’t worry about Money too much Mom & Dad bc when I got LEFT BEHIND you didn’t take hardly any of your stuff including all the junk Dad was repairing & I know Dad I should phrase it Pieces all the Pieces you LEFT BEHIND just like me. I don’t know as much about fixing Pieces as you Dad with your Mechanical Genius but I’ve hit the books & you might be Proud of the work I did on Mr. Fielder’s Harley Davidson carburetor although to be Totally Honest I did burn the fuel tank to a crisp & Mr. Fielder was pissed unsatisfied & threw a bowling ball through the kitchen window which would have been Very Bad except the window was already gone & it just ripped the middle out of a plastic bag.
My plan is to gain pro skills at fixing Pieces & earn Decent Money & build a giant Quonset Hut for the Pieces so they aren’t willy nilly over the yard bc Mom thought that was trashy & I agree & then use the Net Profits to build an 18x40x54 above ground pool bc I think when people hear about how I have a top quality above ground pool complete with decking & landscaping they’ll want to swim in it & they’ll see how Normal I am & not Violent & I think many people who don’t like me will become friends & some of them close personal friends. It’s a solid long term business plan but for now it would be best if you sent Money for Bills as fast as possible. I am up shit creek screwed in a bind.
There is also the Lawsuit. It is a depressing thing to talk about between parents & their only son after the inspiring discussion of the above ground pool but I know you know about the Lawsuit bc I was a Minor at the time of the Incident & you had to sign Documents & Letters & Affidavits & Testimony. A clerk said I was being assigned a lawyer named Mr. Mantle but if Mr. Mantle is a Big Shot like OJ had I’d rather have a cheap ass reasonably priced lawyer to save you money Mom & Dad. Honestly my concern about Money has made me sick on the toilet & so I’m being Up Front about it & sharing it with you. You know the address where to send Money bc you used to live here.
In the meantime I promise on Gramma’s grave to keep things nice. I know Mom you were Very Proud of your 10 piece Ginsu Gourmet Cutlery Set so I won’t use them except on big thick steaks so they stay Very Sharp. I know Dad you didn’t leave your Seinfeld mug behind on purpose so I’ll only use it when all other mugs are totally disgusting. Most of all I’ll keep the Clocks which are Important Heirlooms in top notch working condition. I have hit the books on clocks & know the difference between Grandfather & Cuckoo & Pendulum & Atomic & Mechanical & Electric & Quartz & Countdown & Flip & Lantern & Lighthouse. I hope you’re impressed Dad bc to be honest I’m trying to impress you.
I admit I’m currently doing a piss poor not great job at winding the clocks & pulling the chains. You probably know I missed my first Court Date with Mr. Mantle bc I got messed up by the clocks. The Judge was Very Upset & that mistake is On Me! Although Mom & Dad I think Total Honesty will create a superior relationship for us & so I’ll tell you I was Using at the time & would’ve slept through the clocks anyway. Mom please don’t cry I know Using is Very Bad but it helps with my headaches & I know people don’t believe me bc of my Stupid History but the headaches are terrible & sometimes I can’t see & can’t talk & swear I can feel my brains melt down my throat. It tastes like burnt pancakes.
If I get clean Mom & Dad will you come back? Mom I’m cutting down on my swear words as you can see. Dad I told you I’m learning to fix Pieces. You don’t have to answer right away just think about it ok?
I was going through your closets bc I don’t have shit all much else to do & I found the old Scrapbook Mom made of me. I don’t know why it was buried so deep but don’t worry I wiped off the dust & grime. It has my baby pictures & a piece of my Blankie & report cards that say I’m Kind & a Peacemaker & all the stars I got for spelling words right & a picture of me as the Cowardly Lion & then So Many football stories. I felt Very Proud. There was also the article about how I saved the Fullerton kid which is another reminder I’m Kind & a Peacemaker. I’d text you photos of the Scrapbook except my contacts got wiped when the cops confiscated my phone & that is On Me. But if you want I can mail the Scrapbook so you can remember how Proud you were of me in the past.
You’re probably thinking hey if Robbie can write a letter this long why didn’t he write better papers for school but let me remind you it’s Very Different when you’re writing an essay for Mr. Toppen about The Man Who Corrupted Hadleyburg vs. when you’re writing a Personal Letter from your Heart. I know I should stop but I want to tell you although it made me Very Sad to be LEFT BEHIND I understand why you did it.
I haven’t forgotten the Cocks & Balls painted on the driveway which were really realistic & the Human Feces wiped all over the garage & how they hung poor Frank Costanza the cat from the tree & the Fire Cocktail they fired into your bedroom by accident instead of mine bc I’m sure that was the Last Straw. I started this Very Long letter telling you everything’s fine but that’s a lie. Nothing’s better. Everyone’s still so Mad at me. When I go buy food people spit loogies on my legs.
I really messed things up didn’t I? I suppose I’m like the Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg which starts off saying Hadleyburg was the nicest town ever before one guy messed it all up. I should have written my Hadleyburg essay about myself. I never did what Mr. Toppen said & that’s On Me. He said stop writing “bc” bc life isn’t a text message but I told him “bc” looked like a battle axe & that I needed battle axes to hack my way through life. He also said stop using “&” but to me “&” is a symbol meaning Keep Going & Don’t Quit & Infinity & seeing it is like seeing I have a Future. Mr. Toppen & everyone else gave me bad grades & maybe that’s why I tried so hard at football & maybe that’s how all the Violence happened.
I really fucked up made mistakes Mom & Dad & I’m really sorry & don’t blame you I was LEFT BEHIND & I understand if you don’t want to come back until you’re forced to by the Lawsuit but I hope you come back before then & I’ll have the Ginsu Cutlery Set & Seinfeld mug & the clocks just like you left them. One day I hope me & you who I will call Mom & Dad & not To Whom It May Concern can laugh about the Good Times & the Hard Times together in our spacious above ground pool.
Your Loving Son,
Robbie