This one raw old black dude is the Walgreener we hate most and of course hes working the register. Dag and me call him Dick Trickle cuz one time Dag saw that name in the Walgreen newspaper rack. Dick Trickles bony like hes whittled from a stick and he has a bunch a old ass ties and thick ass glasses and a balding ass old man fro. Hes mean as a wasp. The cashier we were hoping for is this white bitch with bionic arm canes thats blind as hell. Usually I ask a complicated question about the products they stack up front like the Slanket or the Lint Lizard or the Ahh Bra and meantime Dag sneaks around and loads up on cigs. But you cant steal nothing off Dick Trickle. Robocop boxes you out like hes Dwight Howard.
* * *
Dick Trickle hates it when three youths come in simultaneous and hes got his beady eyes all over our asses. I get Dag to hand me Robbies chip and I wave that paper like a pimp. See this green? Im gonna buy all your candies, homes! Dick Trickle just shakes his old ass head like we stole the bills straight from his register. Whatever, man. Go back to policing your stupid smokes.
* * *
First thing Dag always does is browse the beautiful papers for people to write letters. They have designs like flowers and blue skies and a dog sitting his dog ass on a beautiful beach. Dags sister Lotte doesnt have real internet in the nuthouse, so Dag writes letters old school and she likes them to look pretty so Lotte has pretty things to enjoy. Dag says in the psych ward the only TV and books they have are inspirational. I asked how about magazines and she said the only magazine they have is Oprah magazine. Dag says she writes to Lotte about me and Midget and all our adventures. It makes me so proud I can hardly explain it.
* * *
But this isnt the time to be purchasing beautiful papers. No doubt Robbies filling Yellow Street with cuss words cuz a how late we are with his candies. But hold up. Oh, hell yes! Theres a whole aisle a Halloween masks, and Im sorry Robbie but masks this fine have got to be worn! Even though tonights Halloween Walgreens still got a nice big selection, probably cuz nobody comes to this crap ass Walgreen except when they need a jimmy hat or rash cream or something else real immediate.
* * *
Dag puts on a rubber monster face almost as bad as Deformo. Dang, Dag! Take that scary junk off! Midgets hiding her frightened ass so I put on a discount Barack Obama head and go after little sister cuz this a good opportunity for education. Man, I love Barack Obama. Barack Obama is a straight up American hero. Dont tell anybody cuz theyd tease me but I like to think about Barack Obama being my dad. Like maybe he knew Moms before he got famous. Why the hell not? Some cool ass black dude with sharp ass robocop suits that talked super smooth and believed in my future and filled me with hope and change.
* * *
I find Midge over by the cherry cough drops and lecture her how Barack Obama used to be the chief mightyducker of the whole US of A not to mention the stone cold robocop that killed the dude that did the twin towers. Little sister gets confused cuz usually Im lecturing her about the Two Towers from Lord of the Rings and now she probably thinks Barack Obama killed Sauron. Politics are mad complex.
* * *
Nobody enjoys stank ass rubber tasting masks like Dag. Now shes a wolfman and then a devil and then an alien. Stuff is pricey, though. We add up our money and we dont have enough to even cover one mask, not if we get Robbie his candy. Dag chucks her mask on the floor with all the other masks she chucked. Midget starts cleaning them up but I yank her ass back. Hell, no. Dick Trickle can pick it up himself. Hes the one charging too much, aint he? For now though I keep wearing Barack Obama cuz it makes me feel good. Any terrorist I roll across is gonna get his ass wasted.
* * *
Even though shes flinging masks Dag isnt upset for real and I know why. She has herself a secret costume shes been keeping secret. I been begging for clues for weeks but girlfriends skillful at keeping secrets. I bet shes constructing herself a princess thing or a fairy deal and is gonna show up tonight looking so fly Ill be like dang! There isnt hardly nothing Dag cant do. Ever since Lotte got her ass locked away Dags folks make her take lessons in every subject you can think of. She can tap dance like a mightyducker. Play the sharkweek out a some piano too. Shortys talented as hell!
* * *
Thats when I have the idea to fix me a costume too. I know Dags been slaving on hers a whole month and I only have a few hours but the idea blows up my brain. Grishnákh! Bitch is my favorite ass orc! I know some internet robocops are preferential to Gorbag cuz a his armor, which I admit is sweet, but those are the same robocops that forget how Gorbag pussied out after Frodo got his Hobbit ass cocooned by Shelob and how that led to Gorbag getting impaled by Samwise Gamgee. Think about it, yo. Remember when Grishnákh disobeyed Uglúk and tried to eat Pippin and Merry and got himself speared? Dude didnt flinch at all. Grishnákhs just a short little killer like me but it took Treebeard to pop his ass, didnt it?
* * *
So while Dags busy fishing Midget out of a bin a plastic snakes I scrounge me up some Grishnákh teeth and shove them down my snowboot. Grishnákh has a purple face so I scrounge me some face paint too. The purple is a little off. It isnt rotted skin purple. Its brighter. Its got a picture of a girl done up like a Care Bear. But I bet itll do all right. I rip it outta the pack and snowboot it. The final thing I need is a yellow wig but that isnt gonna happen. Even old ass Dick Trickle will notice if theres yellow hair poofing out my boot.
* * *
Dags gonna poop her pants when she sees! Last winter I got shorty to watch the whole award winning saga. Took six weeks to get through cuz Dag kept forgetting to bring her laptop to Robbies and when she did she kept falling asleep. She said she wasnt bored, just confused. What I did was turn on the subtitles for education purposes. That didnt work either! I was elbowing her pretty much constant cuz important plot stuff goes down all the dang time in Lord of the Rings. Things got better once I said it was all right if she painted her nails or texted her mom, but honestly it made me wonder if she was even enjoying Peter Jacksons cinematic masterpiece. But she told me she did and that made me feel tight. No doubt she remembers Grishnákh. No doubt!
* * *
We go to the candy aisle and the candy aisle is banging. Its got all your Halloween basics like Reeses Peanut Butter Pumpkins, Ghost Dots, Cadbury Screme Eggs, Pumpkin Peeps. Its got Brachs Party Mix which is great value for your dollar. Also Hershey Kiss Pumpkin Spice thats tasty as hell even though it sounds super gross. Best thing about Walgreen though is they stock crazy off brand junk too. Max o Malt and Choco Crisp plus Gummy Body Parts and Spooky Lip Pops and this interesting product called Blood Bag thats candified gel you squeeze out a tube. Im feeling supermilked just imagining the taste sensations.
* * *
Me and my crew get a basket and load up. Midget wants Twirl Pops with spider and ghost designs. You dont got to ask twice, Midge! Dag wants her some ancient chalky old Twilight Sweethearts that are like normal Sweethearts except they have Twilight words like <BE MY BLLA> and <I♥EC>. I dont have a clue what that means but who cares? In the basket it goes!
* * *
Now dont worry. We dont forget Robbies Fun Size Snickers. Dag, though, shes smarter than all our asses, especially fat boy, and she starts thinking logical. If Robbie really wants to put crack rock inside candy bars, he didnt choose very wise, did he? What do they say about Snickers on TV? They say Snickers are packed with peanuts! And if its packed with peanuts, theres not gonna be much room for crack rock, you know?
* * *
Dag ponders for a bit and says what we need is Three Musketeer cuz Three Musketeer is like ninety percent nougat. Dags so intelligent I decide to ask her why she figures Robbie really wants to hand out drugged up candies in the first place and Dag just repeats how Robbie hates people cuz how they did him wrong in the past. Seems kind a overboard if you ask me but like I said shortys smarter than me by a mile so I go along. So we swap in Fun Size Three Musketeers and I feel so good about it I can take off Barack Obama without feeling too sad. I even wipe the inside of the mask on my pants cuz I dont want the next inspirational American that wears it to be catching pinkeye.