Robbie promised us, he did, I remember it perfect, he said take your asses to Walgreen and fetch me my candies and Ill fix you supermilks. But that promise does not occur. Instead he treats our bag a candy like its a bag a dog crap. Fat boy tosses it on the counter beside his beer empties and soft packs. Then he snaps his fingers for his change. Thats straight up rude cuz Midgets real excited about having change and its not worth upsetting a tiny little child for sixty two stupid cents. Midge doesnt ever cry but I can tell when shes sad. After all I live with the bitch.
* * *
I oughta be steaming mad but Robbies changed into my favorite shirt and that gives me optimism. Its a tank top and when he wears it you get to see his sorry ass discount tats and how theyre malforming cuz a the growing flab. You also get to see how his arms and chest are all smooth. Thats cuz fat boy practices Total Body Hair Removal. Robbie says its some kind a buddha thing to remove barriers between your body and mind. Robbie also says bitches like it. Ha! Hairless ass fat boy never sexed a bitch except Little Lamb and she said it was crap. If you ask me, Total Body Hair Removal has the opposite effect. It causes pimples and rashes. Robbie pretty much never stops itching his balls.
* * *
What makes the shirt my favorite shirt is it promotes a music group nobodys ever heard of. The band has itself a fly name, though. Barenaked Ladies! But before you start downloading their songs, let me explain that Barenaked Ladies are the saddest ass group of ugly ass pussies I ever saw. Two a these dicks have big ass glasses! One a them has dreads so bad its like a nightmare! And one a them is fat like Robbie! I bet even the whitest white dude in the world would look at these dudes and laugh his ass off. But if you criticize, Robbies face reds up and he defends them real hard, slobbering about how theyre underrated artistically and a bunch a other hilarious stuff. See why the shirt puts me in a positive mood?
* * *
Midget stands on her head by the wall cuz shes practicing for school. Little sister has real skills when it comes to standing on her head. Plus for a bonus, lots a times theres bugs on the floor. Dag and me are starving though, its ten and we havent had a single nutrient. We aint ate half as much as Gwendolyn the ugly dog. You know Im eyeing those candies we just bought but Robbie will hulk out if we help ourself. So I check the fridge and all its got is ketchup and last time I squirted ketchup in my mouth Dag gagged like she might puke.
* * *
Robbie shoves over all the stuff on the table. Mostly bowls with ants drowned in milk. Next he plops down a fancy basket a apples. Apples? Fat boy, youre crazy. First off, where did you acquire a fancy ass basket? Second, why did you buy like twelve dang apples? Robbie hates fruit. We all hate fruit. Next he plops down this busted up kleenex box that makes a rattle sound. Its been a time since I saw that box but I remember it for sure. Its where Robbie keeps his razor blades for cutting blow. Man, its been infinity since Robbie had any blow. Thats one of the best supermilk ingredients in history. Gets your ass lifted quick.
* * *
When fat boy gets proud he sweats. Barenaked Ladies are clinging to his boobs. He says while the three a us were out lollygagging he hatched a brainstorm. What we should do, he says, is slide these razor blades into these fresh apples cuz think a how difficult itd be to detect. I guess me and Dag are just staring at him cuz he frustrates his face up and says how apples will work best cuz unwrapped candies look suspicious. He waits for our asses to agree but just being honest I dont know. Been a long ass time since Robbie was a child, you know? When I find candy on the sidewalk thats even got bites missing I still eat it. Dont tell Dag, yo.
* * *
Robbie puts a apple in one hand, a blade in the other, and then he takes a minute to reflect on the angles and whatnot. Im about to suggest he tap the blade in with like a hammer but thats when Dag loses her mind. Her fuss over Gwendolyn dont even compare. Shes all bawling and snotting and thrashing. Robbie has a sweet set of NFL magnets I keep ranked accurate on the fridge and just like that Dags arm wipes out the whole AFC North. Steelers and Browns and Bengals flying every which way. She kicks a cabinet and you can hear the mice family inside run off scared. She punches the wall too, right on the light switch so the lights flicker like all a us are in a horror movie and this is when one a us gets macheted.
* * *
Robbies speechless. Yo, me too. Me too, yo. Midget gets herself rightside up and I give her a smile so she isnt scared. Dag gets like this sometime. The girl has deep feelings inside. It makes me wish she had some female bitches for friends cuz female bitches understand how to handle freakouts. Me and Robbie arent skilled on the subject. We stand there like chumps while the light just goes on and off and on and off.
* * *
You cant punch a light switch long before your knuckles get torn up. I get stomach pains cuz a how the light switch starts getting all these little red smears. I guess Midget experiences it too cuz she starts squeaking. That doesnt sit right with me cuz Im her brother now and even if Im just a kid and mad short and have pinkeye I still have to man up and stand tall.
* * *
So I go up to Dag and say real sensitive <Dag, hold up, we got you, my bitch> and that must be the magic words cuz she looks at me passionate with her pretty wet eyelashes before she takes a glare at all them apples. For a second I think I got it worked out in my mind. Dags upset cuz she doesnt like Robbies Halloween plan after all, she thinks its mean to children that dont deserve dangerous drugs and razor blades. And I think thats a real interesting perspective.
* * *
Turns out though thats not what shes sobbing about at all. She starts telling off Robbie about how hes trying to ruin her Halloween cuz once word gets out some cheap ass mightyducker on Yellow Street is handing out fruits, wont any children bother coming to the house at all cuz handing out fruits on Halloween, thats some shameful ass sharkweek.
* * *
Dags got some lip on her, right? Anyhow it explains her whole big fit. Girlfriends been slaving on her secret costume for weeks and there wont be any point to wearing it if no one comes around to see it.
* * *
Fat boys dumbfounded. He looks like we stole his binkie. Dags still hollering and Midges still squeaking and Robbie starts pressing his hands over his ears. And its weird, yo. I get this video in my brain how all a Midgets private bug buddies hid themself inside Robbies skull and now theyre instructing his fat ass to do various sorts a odd junk, including this whole plan about fixing up dangerous candies, and now fat boys trying to keep those evil bugs from spilling out his ears.
* * *
Robbie smacks himself on the head and says he bought these mightyducking apples at the overpriced price the mightyducking market man was selling and he will be danged if theyre gonna go to waste. He smacks himself a few more times till his faces so red it looks like hes embarrassed instead a pissed and thats when I understand the whole ballgame. The chubby ass lying ass assbutt never called his new dealer! Thats why he isnt fixing us frosty supermilks! Thats why he went and bought a fancy basket a dang apples instead! Hes scared!
* * *
Boy, you know I want to say that right to his fat face. But that wont display any maturity. For Dags sake I got to play it polite. So I take the York Peppermint Pattie outta my boot. Yeah, I snuck it from Walgreen special just for me. I admit it.
* * *
Sells for a buck seventeen a pop so cant everybody have one, you know? But to hell with it, I cant think with all this noise, so I show that mint chocolate treat to Robbie and say <Check it. I bet a razor blade would fit inside this bitch perfect if we did it sideways.>
* * *
Robbie quits his head smacking and Dag sucks up her sniffles and Midge shuts up her squeaks. It happens fast like that. I hand over the Peppermint Pattie and the three a them look at me all grateful cuz I took a jacked up situation and fixed it. All right, yeah. Yeah. I feel a feeling I havent felt since I found a twenty spot Moms lost. Found that valuable bitch in the couch and I didnt keep it for myself and she hugged me strong. Dang. If I knew Id be feeling this tight for handing over a dang Peppermint Pattie Id be Johnny Appleseeding all our stolen candies across this whole great ass nation, forever and ever.