Situation in the crib is silent. Robbies covering his mouth tight. No mice are scurrying nowhere. Flypapers crackle like fire each time Midget breathes. I can feel it come. The itch. Its awful. Burns like I scratched myself everywhere. Heavy too like its scabbing over. The weight of all them scabs building and building like pressure. Pressing down hard. Like its gonna flatten our asses. Its us thats the flies, yo. You ever think a that? Like maybe the flies are us and all a us are gonna get swatted?
* * *
Robbie hasnt lived a life a courage but in these last hours things are changing. He reaches out. Cant believe my eyes. He reaches out, cups the side a Midges head, right by the ear, touching the sticky flypaper like he doesnt mind. His other hand comes out too. Im not prepared, not for this. His other hand comes out and cups my cheek the same way. Nothings ever been like this. I take hold a Robbies wrist with my left hand and hold the other side of Midgets neck with my right hand. I do it instinctive. Then the three a us are connected like fam and its powerful. Way up in my chest it stirs powerful as hell. I never felt nothing like it and the itch is gone and Im cool as the wind that blew the leaves in earlier, and I dont want none a it to end but of course its got to.
* * *
Robbie pets my hair with his thumb, faggot stuff, and I dont even care. He does the same to Midge and shes telling her flies all about it. Robbies all snotty and emotional and says I better be on my way. He shows us his last fifty bucks and says while Im at Walgreen hes gonna journey to McDonald and purchase us a feast. Use every last cent hes got cuz why not? We should have a huge ass last supper with all the tasty junk we enjoy best. Big macs, filet o fishes, nuggets, large pops, all that delicious stuff. He promises we will eat like we havent ever ate. We will celebrate fam. We will do it up right so we dont ever forget.
I didn’t want to write this letter which is only the 3rd letter I’ve written by hand in my life but your Disrespectful & Hurtful actions forced me to or else I don’t think I’d ever sleep again bc of how I’m sick all the time bc I wasn’t treated like a Man. I’m sorry you have to read a Letter that’ll hurt you also but if you knew how I can’t eat & spend all night on a toilet you’d realize you’re getting off Easy.
We used to be so loving to each other Little Lamb what happened? I remember like it was Yesterday you combing my hair with your sparkly fingernails & sure you were High & Drunk but you said I didn’t deserve how everyone hates me & you never had a Man touch you so gently & although I was a Very Bad kisser & So Bad at sex I couldn’t do it without Problems you didn’t mind bc a Man can get better at those things but no Man can get better at gentleness.
I shouldn’t have cried when you said that bc you probably lost Respect for me but Little Lamb you don’t know what it felt like to be praised by someone & if that someone was a Beautiful Sexy Woman how it would make me feel like I was Worth Something for the first time in Many Years.
Now I just think you’re a b****! You liked me well enough when I was bringing in Cold Hard Cash from my sign holding job. Back then you were like oh Robbie let’s buy rum & cokes & weed & you used the word “we” but let’s be honest about who was using his Cold Hard Cash to buy the things “we” wanted. I didn’t care bc I loved you Little Lamb & maybe I shouldn’t have told you I love you on the first night we were together especially right after I had sex Problems but I couldn’t help it you were so Beautiful & Sexy & most of all Caring.
Do you even know why I lost my job holding signs you b****? It was bc the Turmoil I suffered when I found you f****** that guy Edgar which I suppose was forgivable since we’d only known each other a short time but still hurt bc you were doing it in my personal bed. You might think it’s easy holding signs but I was crying so much I had to take my gloves off to wipe my tears unless I wanted oil on my face & then my hands got cold & I dropped the sign & when the foreman yelled at me I admit I swung my sign at him. Little Lamb you know Jody & Midget & Dag are at my house all the time & are Very Young & I can’t have them seeing people f*** in my house even if it was me & you which it definitely Was Not.
I know you don’t approve of Jody & Midget & Dag bc you have said it repeatedly & even said I was a Dirty Pedo which was cruel even if it was a joke. Those three kids are like family & I’m teaching them manners such as not using swear words as you can see in this Letter. Personally I think it’s Adult people who are betrayers & Young people who accept you for the Friend you are. Little Lamb I hate to say this but your b**** ways have proven this to be true.
You know I forgave you for Edgar but I don’t understand why you had to f*** that banger Derek two days later once again in my personal bed. To be honest Little Lamb it made me wonder if you were a hooker! That was Very Hurtful & when I started crying & you laughed & said I should beat Derek’s naked ass that was even More Hurtful bc it made me feel like I wasn’t a Man. Derek also shouldn’t have started salsa dancing on top of the bed with his d*** flopping around & shouldn’t have gone into the kitchen Totally Naked to eat my food but this Letter isn’t about that banger Derek it’s about You & Me.
My life has been So Difficult Little Lamb! Every time you complained about the bulldozer noise it reminded me how I’ve lost everything & pretty soon will probably lose the house. You said you’ve had Hard Times too. So why couldn’t our Hard Times bring us closer together? Instead you acted like it was a contest. I’d be like “They shut my water off” & you’d be like “Oh yeah well I have a UTI so shut up” & Little Lamb I’ve never had a girlfriend before but that’s not how they act in movies!
I know you said you’re not my Girlfriend & although I disagreed bc of the Highly Personal things I shared, maybe you were right bc why else would you f*** Butch in the backyard while I was making eggs & the very next day f*** Renny in the front yard while I was busy with diarrhea cramps? Imagine how ashamed you’d feel if Jody & Midget & Dag had come over that particular night. I bet you’d be Very Ashamed.
That is why I’m writing this Letter to Officially break up with you. I know you’re going to say Robbie I’ve Only Known You For About Six Weeks & I Told You A Hundred Times I’m Not Your Girlfriend but I know you only said that to keep your heart from being broken which I understand better than anyone. My heart’s broken so bad sometimes I cry all day which I know you hate & other times feel like I have no heart at all & also no lungs & no stomach & no spleen & I’m like the empty junk all over the lawn & after a while the emptiness fills up with Rage except at all the wrong times. For example not when you order me to beat up Derek but weird times like when I’m putting on a hemorrhoid pad or looking at a pretty sunset.
Little Lamb please don’t try to win me back with your wiles. Don’t come over looking Beautiful & Sexy & saying Caring things. I have had enough. I know you think Jody & Midget & Dag are using me but the one using me was you Little Lamb.
Since as I said this is only the 3rd letter I ever hand wrote my hand is cramping up like the tarantulas I bought last week to get over you & ended up having to murder. But I want to say one more thing. After I first met Jody playing in my front yard his mom invited me to his birthday party & I was Proud to go. I sold some junk to pay my water bill so I could shower before I attended & even though the party was all little kids in birthday hats which I’m sure makes you say I’m a Dirty Pedo, it made me So Happy. There were white kids & black kids & Asian kids & Middle East kids & Jody’s mom said she was especially glad I was Jody’s friend & I had to eat my birthday cake by the dumpster so no one could see my Tears of Joy.
Jody’s mom is sick now with Jody won’t say what, but I’ll tell you Here & Now she’s twice the woman you are Little Lamb. The second she saw me even though I’ve gotten fatter she knew who I was & the Violence in my past & still gave me a big hug & didn’t call me a Life Ruiner like you did. That doesn’t mean I don’t know how I ruined Coach S’s life. Trust me I know it!!! But you saw my Scrapbook & although you laughed so hard you sprayed eggs on it you saw the whole truth. Yes a Life Ruiner is one of the things I am, but does it have to be the Only Thing? I’m asking you does it? I know you don’t like football but did you ever see the Very Famous Monday Night Football video of Joe Theismann’s broken leg or the videos of Dennis Byrd or EJ Henderson or Marc Mariani? Back when I had internet I watched those videos All The Time to see athletes at The Top Of Their Game lose Everything from Catastrophic Injury. Maybe it sounds morbid but it made me feel like I wasn’t Alone, like I just had my Catastrophic Injury a little earlier than they did.
Who knows maybe you’re right about everything Little Lamb. Maybe Me & Jody & Midget & Dag don’t deserve your Respect. But if that’s true it’s not bc we were born evil. Its bc we spent too much time on Yellow Street where Poison is everywhere & the immunity you build up fades away eventually & it’s like my concussions where you can’t see right anymore & can’t hear right anymore & Do Not Know What You’re Doing Anymore & the Poison leaks back out of you like sweat or piss or what didn’t come out of me when we had our Terrible Sex.
If I’m a Life Ruiner Little Lamb it’s my own life I’m ruining & no one can stop me.
Stay away forever,