Rossworth Hall, Leicestershire, July 1916
An unbearable life
‘I’m so bored, Eloise. Nothing fun happens any more. It’s all the fault of this bloody war!’ Andrina’s sigh travelled heavily around the room. She and Eloise were engaged in embroidering cushion covers that would be sent to a local fete, which was being held to help raise funds for the war effort.
They sat facing each other on dainty Queen Anne chairs, one each side of the French windows that overlooked the croquet lawn of Rossworth Hall. It was a pleasant room decorated in restful colours – beiges and pale greens – and, besides the chairs, which were covered in a light-green velvet, two pink-and-green Regency striped sofas (also in Queen Anne style) stood against the walls opposite each other and facing the centre of the room. Ornate occasional tables were placed in handy positions and held writing cases and pens, and workboxes with silk threads and needles inside, and one was piled high with books. It was a room reserved for quiet activities such as they were doing now, or for reading – something Eloise did a lot of, but Andrina rarely bothered with. Unless, of course, it was The Queen magazine, and then she liked to catch up on the latest gossip and fashions; but of late even that had been full of doom and gloom and ‘Your country needs you’ type of jargon.
‘Don’t you ever feel a little guilty about that – the war, I mean? Well, and us being bored, while it rages? I know I do. I was talking to Mama about it and she was going to look into what more we could all do to help.’
This appalled Andrina. ‘Us? Help? What – more than we are at the moment, by making these bloody awful cushion covers! Oh, Eloise, you don’t mean you think we should go to France, do you?’
‘Why not? Edith has, and cousins Christian and Douglas; and our friends Martha and Jennifer have too.’
‘Oh, but Edith is a different case. She has a skill that is needed. And the boys had to enlist – it was the honourable thing to do. But what on earth have Martha and Jennifer gone for? What can they do?’
‘They are voluntary aid workers, and they help out wherever they are needed. I’m seriously thinking of joining myself.’
For a moment Andrina was shocked into silence. This wasn’t what she’d expected. Yes, life was unbearable, with hardly any social activities to distract them, but to go and join in and . . . well, help! No, nothing could be further from what she wanted to do. Oh, it was all so unfair. Why should there be a war now? Just as she and Eloise had reached the age when life should be fun.
‘Please don’t join, Eloise. I couldn’t bear it. Anyway, what can you do that could possibly be of any help?’
‘I can drive. I can sew. And write – I love to write. I could go as a news correspondent, or help out in the stores doing inventories. Anything, really.’
Pushing her embroidery stand away from her, Andrina rose. Her world of boredom had suddenly become a world of fear. Eloise couldn’t go – she wouldn’t let her. What would life be like without her? Even more unbearable than it was now. ‘Have you spoken to Mama about this? I’m sure she would have something to say . . . Look, I bet it is just the boredom of it all that is persuading you. It is better when we are in London. Let’s talk to Mama about us going back there. At least something goes on there, even if it is just tea at the Ritz.’
Going to the window, Andrina looked out at the view. The rolling green landscape of the gardens was beautifully laid out, to a design by Capability Brown himself; clutches of trees – some standing as tall as the house and others miniatures, with dark-red and gold leaves – surrounded by flowers of every colour made a beautiful picture. As a young child she had loved this home in Leicestershire: horse-riding, playing games on the vast lawns, and feeling as free as a bird. But now the horses had been taken, as they were needed by the Horse Guards – God knows what fate would become them. And playing games just didn’t appeal to her any more. She felt like a caged animal. Eloise hadn’t answered her. She had this maddening habit of staying quiet if there was even a hint of confrontation.
Oh, I’ve had enough. I have to get out in the fresh air. I feel stifled! As this thought died, Andrina saw Jay Tattumby cross the bottom of the lawn, pushing a wheelbarrow into the kitchen garden. A strange young man, he fascinated her, and had done since the early days when he hung around the estate as a small boy, stone-deaf and unable to communicate with anyone except their old gardener, who had taken Jay everywhere with him and had somehow found a way of getting through to him.
That had changed over the years, as Jay had mastered the knack of lip-reading and had patiently been taught how to speak by Mrs Tattumby, his adoptive mother.
His dark good looks told of the fact that he must have come from the gypsies. But no one knew for sure. The mystery surrounding him piqued her curiosity. Florrie, her maid, had told her it was said that Jay had powers and could tell the future. The story went that he had been left on the doorstep of Mrs Tattumby, the local butcher’s wife, when he was just a baby, only hours old. A gypsy camp had been in the area at the time and the gypsies had disappeared, so everyone assumed it had been them who had dumped him.
Florrie had spoken of Jay being unable to go to war, but wanting to, with a note in her voice that told of her attraction to him.
Andrina had to admit to feeling a ridiculous attraction to him herself. There was something about him. It was a magnetism she couldn’t explain. Lately she had made it her mission on several occasions to ‘bump’ into Jay, and the attraction she’d felt had warmed into a desire. Damn it, she’d even fantasized about him, and had experienced a nice feeling in her groin as she did so. Shame washed over her as she remembered exploring herself and intensifying the feeling, until she’d come to her senses and had risen from her bed, summoning Florrie and asking her maid to pour her a glass of water. This action had calmed her.
Women were not meant to have such feelings and, on many occasions since, she’d had to resist the temptation to invoke them again. It had been the mystery of it all that had frightened her and stopped her. Oh, she realized there was something to be done with a man when she married, but what it was she did not know. No one ever talked about it, not even when her monthlies started. But, along with instructions on how to care for herself, she had been told by Nanny that, now she was blossoming into a woman, she would be able to have children of her own in the future.
She also knew that the parts she had touched were involved in this process, but how? She hadn’t ever looked at them. Not really – just a quick glance on one occasion when her robe had slipped as she stood in front of the mirror. She’d been so afraid of being caught and looked upon as a shameful person that she had covered up very quickly.
Her fear had stemmed from the fact that Nanny had never allowed the girls to uncover themselves. They always had to wear a shift when they bathed, and a large tent-like garment that Nanny had made would be put over their heads and draped over them whilst they dressed. Then, at school, there had been strict rules and chaperoning, and nothing had ever been said between her and her friends. Even now she still wore a shift whilst her maid attended to her, washing and dressing her.
‘You’ve gone very quiet, Andrina. Are you all right, dear?’
A blush flushed her face as it seemed that her soul had been laid bare. ‘Y – yes, of course. I – I was being silly. I just don’t like the thought of change. I think I will go out to the garden and get some air.’
Relieved that Eloise hadn’t suggested coming with her, Andrina left it until she was in the hall before she summoned the butler to bring her wrap.
Strolling across the lawn, she was shocked to realize that her heartbeat was racing with a mixture of fear at the impropriety of what she intended, and the anticipation of being near to Jay.
The flowers gave off a heady scent as she passed each bed, but none as strong as the lilies that grew in clumps around the pond and nestled in the ripples of the water. Hesitating here for a moment, she smiled as she saw a frog on the slate surround. His neck puffed up as he pursued and tried to lure a lady frog, who was on the base of the stone fountain looking unimpressed.
I’m like you two in reverse, as in my ease it’s the female after the male! What was she thinking? Oh God! She ought to go back – this was a silly thing to do. Turning, she was about to march back to the house when she heard a cough. Swivelling back round and seeing Jay standing by the wall tightened the muscles in her throat. He looked more handsome than ever as the sun gleamed on his hair, picking out the blue lights in the blackness of it, with his smile shining in his eyes.
‘I knew you would come.’
Embarrassment tinged her cheeks. ‘Are you talking to me? If so, please address me correctly.’ Oh dear, that wasn’t what she had wanted to say. She’d wanted to say, Yes, I have come. I could not help myself.
His grin widened, showing his remarkably white teeth. Most people of his class had dirty teeth and an unkempt appearance. Jay always looked clean and . . . well, almost aristocratic. His stance held an arrogance that would normally be seen in a gentleman of means.
‘I beg your pardon, M’lady.’ His exaggerated bow made a mockery of his words. ‘I forget my manners, in my eagerness to see you.’
Again that hint of a cultured person – not in his heavily pronounced voice, which gave away his deafness, but in his choice of words. Who was he really? Who had left him on the doorstep of one of the kindest people in the villager Andrina somehow didn’t think it was a gypsy girl.
‘I forgive you. And it is nice to see you again. I was on my way to the kitchen garden. I wanted to pick some strawberries for myself and my sister. I know I shouldn’t pick them, but I enjoy being in the garden, and I prefer strawberries to the usual fruitcake that we have in the afternoons.’ What am I babbling on about? He must think me a pompous idiot!
‘I will help you, M’lady.’ Opening the gate behind him, Jay bowed to her in a gesture that said she should pass through. Her arm brushed his as she did so, enhancing the nervous excitement she felt.
‘Thank you. But I can manage.’
Without taking any heed of her, he followed her through.
Looking at him, she said, ‘I said I can manage, thank you.’ He pointed to his ears. Her stupid forgetfulness flustered her. ‘I – I’m sorry. I forgot.’
‘Thank you, M’lady. When people forget, I feel that I am normal.’
‘Oh, you are! I – I mean, why shouldn’t you be? Please leave me now.’ His nearness was too much for her.
‘I don’t think you want me to leave, M’lady.’ A mixture of fear and excitement shivered through her body. She couldn’t take her eyes from his. His voice caressed her. ‘Don’t be afraid of me. I would never hurt you. You are all I think about. My life is nothing when you are away.’
‘Oh dear, I . . .’
His body swayed towards her. She froze. Half of her wanted him to kiss her, but the other half screamed out in protest that he had the temerity to do so. Her hesitation lost her the battle. His lips touched hers. Sinking into his body, she allowed the kiss, drank it in, felt the world become a different place and knew herself to be changed forever.
When he released her, he made no apology. His eyes told her what was in his heart. And she knew that hers gave back all the love he had for her.
‘Andrina, where are you?’
Eloise! Oh no. Shrinking back from Jay, she looked over towards the closed gate. Her sister was not yet in sight. ‘Go, Jay, please go.’ Mouthing the words did not matter, for he knew what she had said. Anger flickered in his eyes, but he said nothing, just turned and walked away.
The hinge of the garden gate squealed its protest at being opened. It was funny that she hadn’t heard it do that when she had passed through it.
‘I’m here. I’m just going to get a basket to fill with strawberries. I thought I would prepare them for you in the summerhouse and we could have them for our tea instead of cake.’
‘You are a strange one at times. Oh, is that Jay? I haven’t seen him yet. Did you speak to him? Is everything all right with him?’
Thank goodness Eloise didn’t see what passed between us.
‘Why do you say I’m a strange one? I was bored, so I thought I would do something different – that’s all.’
‘But to come into the kitchen garden and pick your own strawberries? That isn’t like you at all. Even when you are looking for something different to do, you have never chosen to do what one of the servants could do for you. What are you up to, Andrina? You worry me sometimes.’
Eloise’s glance went to Jay’s retreating back and then came back to Andrina. Holding her breath, Andrina hoped there was no hint in her demeanour of what had just taken place and was mortified when the blush that had started to creep up from her neck flushed her face. Eloise’s eyes narrowed and she asked, ‘You wouldn’t do anything improper, would you, Andrina? The servants and gardeners are our responsibility. We must treat them with respect and in a proper manner at all times. If you have stepped over the line, you had better put things right immediately. Am I to call Jay back?’
‘No! No, please don’t. We conversed, and he forgot his manners. I chastised him. That is all. He is embarrassed, but he’s back in his place. You mustn’t put him through it twice. Please!’
‘Very well. Come on – let’s forget it. I’ll help you pick the strawberries; it will be fun.’
Able to breathe more freely at last, Andrina wiped away the beads of sweat that had formed on her brow and was glad of the distraction of turning her back on Eloise and crossing to the pile of baskets stacked near the greenhouse. Taking one of them back to Eloise, she found herself thinking about Jay’s background once more.
‘Don’t you find Jay a bit of a mystery? I mean, it is thought he belonged to the gypsies, but from what I have heard, they are more likely to steal a baby than give one away. And Jay has this air about him. Sometimes he appears to be more of a gentleman than a working-class man.’
‘Is that wishful thinking, dear sister? Look, I’ve seen how you are attracted to him. Please don’t be. Please put all thoughts of him out of your mind, for it can only end in heartache for you, and worse for him.’
‘That is nonsense. How dare you suggest such a thing? I’m disgusted with you, Eloise!’
‘Well, just be careful. It is easy to fall for someone who is out of bounds. It’s the excitement of it. Look, why don’t we look into doing some war work? It would be wonderful to be with Edith, or some of the others who have gone. And it cannot possibly be as bad as everyone is saying. What do you think?’
What did she think! She hated the thought of anything that would take her away from Jay. Now that they had declared, by way of a kiss, how they felt for each other, she didn’t even want to go back to London again. It was ironic, given that only half an hour ago she’d been longing to go back there.
‘That was a big sigh. Sorry, old thing – I didn’t mean to badger you. I understand. But, for me, I have to do my bit for the war.’
And I have to pursue my impossible love, thought Andrina. That will mean a war in itself, and being ostracized from society. Will I be able to bear that?
At this moment she did not know.