Low Moor, July 1916
An unexpected love
The bed creaked as it took Paddy’s weight. How was it that she used to quiver with anticipation at him joining her in bed, her body eager and expectant of him possibly making love to her? And yet now it was as if she was dead inside, and she hoped and prayed he wouldn’t turn towards her.
‘Why do I have to feel you stiffening in repulsion at me? Can you not be forgiving me? Didn’t I tell you that your sister made a prostitute of me? We needed to eat, Ada, and to pay the rent and the bills.’
‘Aye, and buy gallons of beer, and bet on the horses.’
‘Whisht, will you? Can you not try to forget, and have us back to how we were? I miss you, Ada. No one gives me what you give me.’
‘And that says it all, you cheating, lying bastard! I’m the only one who should be giving that to you, but you’ve allus put yourself about. You’ve never been faithful to me. Now you want me to accept you shagging me own sister and putting her in the family way. Well, I don’t, and I never will.’
‘Aye, they are me failings, but I’ve learnt me lesson. Come on, me Ada, come into me arms and let me be making you happy again.’
‘No. Don’t touch me!’
Ada, come on – you know you’re wanting to.’
His hand crept up her nightie, creating the usual tingle in her groin. Clenching her thigh muscles tightly, she barred his progress. ‘Don’t! You repulse me. I never want you to touch me again.’
‘Is it not me wife that you are? Aye, and the teaching is that a wife gives unto her husband when he needs her to. I can go to the priest, if I’ve a mind, and he will be telling you that to disobey your husband, or to refuse him his conjugal rights, is a sin against the vows you took when you married me. So, let’s have no more of this nonsense.’
With this, Paddy lifted his body onto hers. Crushed beneath him, she pushed against his chest. ‘No, no! Leave me al—’ Her breath caught in her lungs at the deep punch to her stomach.
‘I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry, Ada. Why is it you make me do such things to you?’
A sick feeling churned inside her. Paddy was past reasoning with. Sucking in air, she tasted his beery breath and the stale lingering tobacco of the fag he’d smoked before coming up to bed. ‘You should take No for No. I’m not ready. I’ve told you that time and again, but you just take from me as if I am a whore. Whether I will get over the hurt and humiliation in time, I don’t know, but I’m not ready, Paddy.’
‘Oh? Is it that I have to force you again? Well, so be it, because I’m having me dues.’
‘Please, Paddy, don’t . . . please . . .’
His knee prised open her legs, bruising her thighs, but she fought him. She couldn’t just give in, no matter what the cost to her. Another punch to her ribs took all the fight from her. The malice that came with the blow hurt her as much as the blow itself. If Paddy loved her, how could he treat her like this?
As he entered her, he called out in triumph. ‘There – are you for changing your mind, now that you have me? Come on, me Ada, love me like you used to. I promise I’ll not be letting you down again. Oh, Ada, Ada . . .’
Each thrust sickened her. Lying beneath him, she let her body go limp. His rape would not be helped by her, nor would she give him the gratification of having won her over. Nothing in her responded to him – nothing but the repulsion of all he stood for, and the hurt he’d brought down on her.
It didn’t take him long. After he sighed a deep satisfaction as he rolled off her, she thought he would just go to sleep, but his mood turned ugly. ‘Reject me, would you? Lie under me like a dead duck, eh? Me – your husband of twenty-odd years? You bastard!’ His fist sunk into her stomach again. Vomit retched from her. Winded and unable to rise, she choked on the foul-tasting liquid. The sound brought Paddy to his senses. Grabbing her, he pulled her to a sitting position and thumped her back. ‘I’m sorry. Oh, Ada, I’m sorry.’ His words came out in huge sobs. As he held her to him, his tears dampened her hair. His body shook as he let go of a deluge of grief and remorse. When she could make out what he was saying, she heard the lads’ names and his lament at how he’d treated her. It went on and on, but none of it touched her. Inside, she was dead to him.
Alighting from the train with the hundreds of other workers, Ada felt glad to be out in the fresh air. The carriage had been stifling. Not that the feeling would last, as she was soon inside the gates of Barnbow Munitions Factory and then inside the factory itself, stripping off her clothes and donning the special overall and cap they all had to wear.
Keeping her head down, she shuffled along with the rest of the women. The closeness of their bodies jostled her and caused more pain to her bruised insides.
As the factory doors opened, the smell of acetone stung her nostrils and made her feel giddy. The strong chemical odour of this component of the cordite that she worked with permeated the air and clung to her clothes, giving her a constant headache. But that was the least of the worries that she and the other women had, as the packing of the shells with strands of cordite was dangerous work. Explosions could happen at any time, and the cordite had the effect of turning their skin yellow. With this thought, Ada rubbed her arms, but then what did it matter what she looked like? Or what colour her skin was, because inside she was nothing. She didn’t even bother to drink much of the extra rations of barley water and milk the workers were allowed, and which they were told would combat the yellowing. Instead she gave it to Betsy, for her and her young sister and brother to get the goodness of.
Poor Betsy – she pined for Jimmy. But she was a strong lass, and a grand one, too. Sometimes she seemed like the only light in this dark world. Oh, me Jimmy lad, make it home. Please make it home!
‘Hurry up, you lasses. You’ve to be at the benches so the others can leave, you know that!’
The voice of their supervisor, Joe Grinsdale, didn’t hold anger or aggression. She doubted he had either in the make-up of him. She’d known Joe a long time. They’d played together as kids and had gone to the same school. She’d always liked Joe.
‘Ada . . . Ada, are thee alreet, lass?’
Looking up into Joe’s concerned face nearly undid her, but she swallowed hard and replied in the strongest voice she could muster, ‘Aye, I’m grand, Joe. Yerself?’
‘I’m reet worried for thee, lass. Have you been drinking your rations? Eeh, that’s something of a daft question, for I can see you haven’t. Well, I’ll see thee at break time and make sure as you have a glass of milk. I’ve seen you take your quota from the churns that come up from the farm, but I never see you drink it.’
‘I put it in me bottle and have it later. The smell of this place puts me off.’
‘Look, lass. I – I mean . . . Anyroad, you’d better get to the cloakroom and get into your overall. The time’s getting on.’
Too tired to wonder what Joe had been going to say, Ada filed in with the rest of the women, grabbed a set of overalls, a mask and a cap from the bins just inside the cloakroom and found a corner where she’d be least noticed.
The soreness of her limbs had her wincing in pain. Clara Lightmoor stood near her and looked around at the sound. Clara lived just up the road from Ada and always had something to say. ‘He been at you again, love? Eeh, you should leave him. He’s a bad ’un, if ever there was one. You know he’s been after that young Lilly Blanford – her as come from Wales to work here – don’t yer? And there’s a rumour—’
‘Shut your mouth, Clara! You’d make out that the Devil was courting God, you’ve such a lying tongue in your head!’
‘Ha! Bloody cheek of you. Well, while I’m on, it’s common knowledge as your Paddy has put your sister— Hey, geroff me!’
The thin thread that had held Ada together snapped. Her hand lashed out, but Clara’s defending raised arm took the blow. Ada felt as though she was hitting a brick wall. Waves of shock and nausea sent her reeling backwards.
The sound of the horn marking the shift-change brought her to her senses. She pulled herself together and pushed past Clara.
As she took the place of Jean Dwight she was treated to one of Jean’s lovely smiles. ‘Eeh, glad to see thee, lass. I’m tired to me heart. Though you look worse than I feel. Are you alreet, lass?’
The same tears that had pricked the back of her eyes when Joe had asked this of her spilled over at being asked the question again. But Jean didn’t comment on the drops of water running down Ada’s face; she just patted her gently and said, ‘It’ll all come out in the wash, love. It allus does. Concentrate on your work – it helps.’
Ada picked up the next shell on the belt, which replaced the one that Jean had just filled and hung on the moving runner above her. She began the task of filling it with the bundle of cordite, and only managed to say a quick thank you to Jean. Turning her head to do this sent pain all the way down her neck. Her vision blurred. Looking back at the shell she held, Ada clung onto it. God, don’t let me drop it, please!
‘Here, give me that, Ada. What d’you think you’re playing at?’
Beads of sweat joined the tumbling tears now running down Ada’s face. The burden of the shell had only just left her arms when a blackness descended on her and she slumped to the ground.
‘Oh my God! She’s fainted.’
In the fog of Ada’s brain, the words sounded muffled, as if being said through water. But the effect of them brought her round. Opening her eyes, she looked into Joe’s lovely soft brown ones. ‘Eeh, Ada lass, come on – let me help you up.’
His strong arms grasped her and propelled her body upright. Vomit rose to her throat with the motion, but she swallowed it down. Her throat stung with the aftermath, but she wasn’t going to disgrace herself by being sick in front of them all.
‘Come on, I’ll take thee to the nurse. I told you, you need to eat more and drink your quota of milk.’
She couldn’t answer Joe, but was glad of his help as he kept his arm around her. A few sniggers went round the room, but the implication of them passed her by until they were standing alone in the corridor. Then Joe shocked her by saying, ‘Ada, oh Ada. I’m sorry, but I have to say what’s in me heart. I love thee, Ada . . .’
‘What – what are you saying, Joe? You can’t. I – I . . .’ Confusion deepened inside her. Still fuzzy from the faint, her brain couldn’t process Joe’s words and they didn’t seem real. Had he really said he loved her? Trying to find some clarity, she looked up at him. His smile jolted her heart. This cannot be happening! ‘Don’t be daft, Joe. This is no time to take the rise out of me. Just help me to the nurse, and get back to your job – or we’ll both get the sack!’
‘But I mean it, Ada. I can’t sleep for thinking about you. And it breaks me heart to see what is happening to you. It’s like the light has gone out inside you, since Jimmy went, and I know as you’re not being treated reet by Paddy.’
She had no words to answer him. Her emotions were all in tatters and she had lost control of them. A sob racked her. The concern in Joe’s eyes deepened. Ada felt herself swaying towards him. ‘Help me, Joe . . . Help me.’
‘I will, me lass. Lean on me and I’ll get thee to the nurse. But know this, Ada: I am here for you, and you can lean on me anytime you like, lass.’
Once more his arms encircled her. She used his strength to make her way along the corridor. Her own feelings were tangled and confusing. Something had stirred inside her when Joe had declared himself – something she hadn’t felt for a long time. It was as if the young girl trapped in this weary, sad body had popped out just for a second and had responded to the love offered to her.
But she mustn’t go down that road. She must stop Joe from making the mistake of his life. A man in his early thirties, he had never married. He’d been engaged once, as she remembered, but the lass had gone off with his friend and they had married within weeks. That must have scarred Joe. Some said he had a breakdown, but although he did go into hospital for a spell, it was found that he had a murmur in his heart, and his collapse had been due to that weakness. This kept him from going to war.
Joe had little that was immediately eye-catching about him, but he was one of life’s nice people, who became more attractive once you got to know him. His grey-blue eyes framed with long lashes – too long for a man – always held kindness, although just now she’d seen desire smouldering in them and that had shocked her. But she still couldn’t work out exactly why she was suddenly affected by him. Joe was miles away from being the type that Paddy represented. Dark and handsome, charming and strong, Paddy had melted her the moment she’d met him; but Joe, though as tall as Paddy, was on the fair side and shy, and . . . well, ordinary.
His lack of confidence often had him bending over, as if to make himself unnoticeable, and that is what had happened in her case. She hadn’t noticed him – not in the way a woman notices a man. Not at all. At least, not until just now. Until that moment he’d just been Joe, someone she knew and liked.
By the time they reached the nurse’s office Ada had begun to feel better and tried to argue that she could carry on, but Nurse Penny insisted that she was examined properly, before she would let her return to her bench. As soon as Joe had left, she asked Ada to strip off to the waist.
‘Eeh, lass, is that your husband’s work?’
Shame washed over Ada at these words.
‘It’s time we women stood up for ourselves, and men were prosecuted for treating their wives in this way – it ain’t reet, Ada. Look at your bruising. No wonder you feel under the weather. But, y’know, there’s them as are fighting for our rights, and when this war is done, I might just join them.’
This surprised Ada. Penny Jarvis had always seemed the quiet, studious type. She’d never married, though Ada couldn’t imagine why, because although she was a rounded woman, with plenty of padding and a huge bosom, she had a pretty face and a lovely kind way about her. She’d make a good wife and mother. It seemed a shame that no one had taken her up; and now, with all the young men being killed off, there would be no one to do so.
To combat the pain this last thought brought her, Ada tried to make a joke. ‘Eeh, Penny, I can just see you chained to a railing and shouting, “Votes for women”, and no one down London understanding a word you’re saying!’
Penny laughed. ‘Aye, so can I. But understand me or not, I’d do it. All of this makes me blood boil.’
She rubbed soothing oils into Ada’s skin as she spoke, which brought her some comfort. ‘I’m leaving him when I can, Penny. I’m saving up me money. Paddy has no idea how much I earn, and he’s happy with what I give him, so he don’t ask questions as to what I keep back. Only he . . . he got me sister pregnant, and that were the last straw for me.’
‘Eeh, Ada, you got a bad ’un in him. And, aye, I knew about your sister. She’s been having me attend her, as she’s trying to keep it secret. She asked me to rid her of it, but I’m not into that game. I feel sorry for her, in a way.’
Hearing this made the pain of Ada’s betrayal fresh again. ‘Well, she shouldn’t have took me man – she’s got her just deserts, as I see it.’
As she tells it, she were seduced; and, because of her situation, she was easy pickings for a man such as Paddy. Now she’s lost you, and is likely to lose her husband and everything she has.’
‘I can’t feel sorry for her, Penny. I would never do what she’s done.’
‘There’s none of us knows what we would do in a given situation, lass. Anyroad, I’m talking about anything and everything, other than the real reason I made you have an examination. I need your help, Ada. I have some bad news to give to both Mabel and Agatha.’
‘No! No, no, no – don’t tell me. Not Eric and Arthur, oh God . . .’ Ada sucked in her breath.
‘I’m afraid so. Killed on the first of July, the day the papers are saying was a disastrous day. They numbered the dead at around twenty thousand, with another thirty thousand wounded. How them nurses cope out there, I don’t know.’
Ada blocked out Penny’s words and wailed. Her only thought was: Jimmy’s mates, dead! But what of Jimmy? My Jimmy . . .
Ada, love. Oh, I should have thought on. Oh God, Ada, I’m sorry. I forgot your Jimmy’s there and they were all mates, weren’t they? But, lass, you would have heard by now if Jimmy had been hurt. The officer who brought the news would have known and would have told me. I just thought, as you’d been through this, you could help Mabel and Agatha. I was going to send for you, if you hadn’t come through me door.’
How Penny could talk in such a matter-of-fact way Ada couldn’t understand. Two fine lads were dead! Two more from the street that had seen these lads kicking balls and giving cheek when told to stop. Lads that had hung around with her Jimmy and had called out teasing words to her Bobby and Jack when they had swaggered up the street in their Sunday best, looking to pick up a couple of girls.
‘Look, I’ll give you sommat to calm you, then I’ll sign you off for the day, Ada. I’m reet sorry, lass. Dealing with stuff, day in and day out, makes you immune to the suffering of it at times. I just wasn’t thinking.’
‘No. You’re reet, I should be with them.’ As she said this, Ada felt a calmness take her and knew that she was the right one to be with Mabel and Agatha, and to tell them the terrible news. She knew how gut-wrenching it would be for them, and how their world as they knew it would come to an end, never to be properly mended again. She knew the hollow feeling, the devastation wrought – as if everything before the moment you heard your son was dead was all for nothing. Penny wouldn’t know that, or how to deal with it, as she’d never birthed any young ’uns. Standing tall, Ada said, ‘Don’t send me home. At least not without Mabel and Agatha. I’ve got meself together. I’ll tell them, and then I’ll take them home and stay with them. They will know that I understand.’
Aye, that’s what I thought. Y’know, I could have married. I had me chances, but it never appealed to me. And now, seeing what all of you are going through – lasses as were at school with me, suffering like you are – I’m glad I didn’t. Reet, I’ll have Agatha and Mabel sent up here. God, it’s a cruel world, Ada. A cruel world.’
Feeling sick at the prospect of seeing Mabel and Agatha, Ada jumped when the door opened. Joe entered first, followed by the white-faced and shaking Mabel and Agatha. They know, Ada thought. There was no other reason they’d be summoned here, and their haunted looks told of their fear. And she was to confirm it for them.
Penny asked the two women to sit down. They did so as if someone was working them with strings. Ada looked over at Joe and felt a nerve twitch inside her, as she read the love that he had for her shining from his eyes. Unable to deal with his feelings, or her own, she concentrated on Agatha and Mildred and what she had to tell them. ‘Eeh, me lasses. How can I tell thee what I have to say?’
There was no need for her to say any more. Agatha’s and Mildred’s screams of ‘No, no!’ wrenched at her heart and tore open her own wounds. She moved to be in the middle of them, and let her own tears flow with theirs. She’d never been close to either of these women, they were just acquaintances, but they now felt like kin as she held them. She didn’t protest at their wails, but allowed them to vent their anguish. And when Penny tried to calm them with the soothing, inadequate words of ‘Now, now’, Ada quietened her by saying, ‘Let them be. It is best out. Nothing lessens the pain, but this outpouring gives a little release and stops you going mad.’
From where she squatted, Ada looked up at Joe. His face was wet with streaming tears. At that moment it didn’t take the jolt of her heart to tell her that he was very special; and yes, she could admit it, he had filtered into her emotions. The feeling came with the urge to run to him and be held by him; but for now she needed to be strong for Mabel and Agatha, and her own feelings had to be shelved.
Aye, and she’d shelved Paddy, an’ all. She knew that now. In the context of everything, he was nothing. And it came to her that she would go and see Beryl and help her through everything she had to face. What did it matter who had fathered the babby? All that mattered was that she should make sure the babby and Beryl were all right.
She didn’t know how she came to this understanding, but what Paddy and Beryl had done suddenly paled in the face of everything else. Not that she would forgive them totally. They didn’t deserve that, but she could get to a place where she could cope with it. However, no matter what, she knew she would never get to a place where she wanted to stay with Paddy. No, the last thread of her feeling for him had been severed.