All I Have To Give

‘Bad luck? I’m hopeless at croquet, and always have been. It’s all right for you; being a surgeon, you have a steady hand and a good eye!’

Edith laughed at Eloise, but knew it was true. She also knew it had been too long since she’d practised her skill and her calling, and that she should be thinking of putting that right. Of going back to the front even. Today she had received letters from Connie, Nancy, Jennifer and Mark. It was so good to hear from them.

All the letters had come together in one envelope, and all expressed their joy at her return. Each said how much they missed her. Jennifer’s held a surprise and gave a little twinge of regret:

I know you won’t mind, as you were never interested in him, but Mark and I have fallen in love. Oh, Edith, he is just the best and makes all of our lives out here bearable. He has moved to take over your position and is keeping up the good work you began.

For a moment Edith felt sad. It had been good to feel the attraction that she knew Captain Mark Woodster had felt for her. But she was being silly. His attention had stroked her ego, that’s all. She hadn’t felt anything for him like she had for Albert, or Laurent.

This thought had her standing and drawing in her breath as though she’d been thumped in the chest. Eloise’s antics soon settled the feeling as, scoring a hoop point, she did a jig around the lawn calling out, ‘Ha, not so good now, are you? I might even win!’

Laughing at her, Edith said, ‘Oh, poppycock! Anyway, I give in. I need a drink. Darling, be an angel and summon Woodacre. Tell him to bring refreshments to the river’s edge.’

‘You’re not going all morose again, are you, Edith? You are jolly hard work at times. Oh, I didn’t mean to offend you.’

‘No. Don’t worry, I know what you mean, and I am. But I’ve had enough of being frivolous and living on the periphery of life. I want to take hold of life again. I’d like you to tell me about your work. I am so proud of you, and I want to help.’

‘Oh, Edith, that would be wonderful, and I know it will help you. It did me, when I lost Andrina and had to cope with you being missing. I know what you’ve been going through. I went through it too, but I turned it into something very positive, and now I’m too busy to dwell on things.’

Edith could only nod. What she’d said about being proud of Eloise didn’t really sum it up. She had been astounded by the change in her, and admired Eloise more than she could say.

As she walked down to the river she passed the cherub statue that she loved, and stood for a moment looking at it. What would she have done if Jay hadn’t given them this house? They were very lucky that he’d recognized it was theirs, and that his settlement to each of them had been so generous. He had treated her the same as her brothers, so she was now rich in her own right, which endeared him to her even more!

When she reached the river she stood for a moment, gazing around her at the beauty of the countryside – land that they had thought belonged to them, but which now belonged to Jay. Somehow she had to come to terms with this. After all, Jay was family – he was her half-uncle – and so she must stop thinking of the estate as passing to someone else as if they no longer had a stake in it.

Jay had been wronged by her grandfather, but now all of that had been put right. She had to accept that. It would be wonderful for Douglas still to have the management of the land, and to be able to live in his beloved Hastleford Hall.

It was time she met up with Jay. He had been generous and had said that he wouldn’t encroach upon her until she was ready to speak to him. He still lived with Mrs Tattumby, and was remaining there until he could build the mansion he wanted. And he still carried out the charity work he was doing with Eloise, which kept him busy and meant that Edith hadn’t come across him yet. Well, she was ready to now. In fact she was ready for a lot of things. She would suggest to Eloise that they invite Jay to dinner. Just the three of them. Marianne and Aunt Felicity would understand.

Seeing Eloise in the distance coming from the house reminded her that she had wanted a little respite to think over the letters and their content, and to give some attention to her own feelings.

Connie and Nancy hadn’t changed. Their letters were full of the funnier side of life at the hospital. It touched her, though, when Connie spoke of how she’d missed her and had prayed every night for her safe return.

Dear Edith,

I hope this letter finds you well. We are all more delighted than we can say at your safe return.

I know that Jennifer is telling you the news about me and her, and I hope you will wish us well. I did show my feelings for you, and they were real at the time, but you never returned them or gave me a second of hope that you would do so.

After going through hell at your disappearance, I took the comfort Jennifer offered – you know how good she is at counselling those who need it. Before long I found myself falling deeply in love with her.

We are very happy and intend to marry once this war ends. We would love to have your blessing.

My fondest wishes,

Mark

Bloody men! Huh, who does he think he is? But then she laughed as she imagined Mark agonizing over how to tell her that he’d switched his attentions to Jennifer. As if she cared! Typical male ego. But then she had felt a moment of regret. It was silly really, because her own feelings had been turned upside down by the lovely Albert – an uneducated cockney who was so far removed from her own life and standing that it seemed almost impossible she had even looked at him.

Her heart twisted at the thought of what had happened to him. This bloody war, it’s tearing the guts out of people all over the world. Albert would never in a million years have murdered someone, or committed rape, or taken his own life, if he had been able to live his life in his natural environment.

A smile played around her lips as she thought of how he might have been. He’d have met a brash, heart-of-gold cockney girl, married her and had a few children; he’d have worked at his job as a mechanic, had beach holidays in Essex, enjoyed his pint of beer at the local and been a happy man. Oh, Albert – and all young men like you – my heart bleeds for you.

Despite thinking fondly of Albert, she had long since recognized that the feeling she’d had for him had been no more than sexual attraction. He’d awoken in her feelings that she never thought she’d have again, once he died; but she had, and more deeply. What would Laurent think when he read her letter?

A blush swept over her face at the thought of it; but, as he had said, things could not be left unsaid in this unstable world. She knew, beyond any doubt, that she was in love with him. She longed to be with him, almost as much as she longed for her babies. What would he think when he read the truth? For no love can be built on lies, though she had omitted to say what had happened to Albert (just that he had left her), and had sworn him to secrecy with the truth about her children. Now all she had to do was wait to hear from Laurent, and wait for her intended visit to Marianne’s, where surely she would hear from Petra.

In the meantime she was strong enough now to sort something out for her children, and she had more than enough funds to do so. She would do this when she got back to London.

Eloise had joined her by the river and they had been chatting about Eloise’s charity work for a few minutes when Edith said, ‘I haven’t said anything before, but I was shocked when Daddy told me that you all knew a small amount about the man who had taken me, but at the time I didn’t give much heed to it. He said it was through someone you had come across in your charity work?’

‘Yes. Ada O’Flynn. Oh, Edith, her story is so harrowing, and yet she is such a strong person.’

When Eloise finished telling her Ada’s story, Edith couldn’t speak for a moment.

‘Are you all right, Edith, my dear? I’m so sorry – has it been too much for you?’

‘No, I – it’s just that I knew Ada’s son. I knew Jimmy! I treated him. And I vowed that I would tell her the truth: that he wasn’t a coward, and that his hand being shot off was an accident.’

‘She knows that from the young man who told her about his death. He was a friend of Jimmy’s. If you could tell her too, that would be spiffing. It isn’t that she doesn’t believe it, but – well, she could do with you telling her, too.’

‘When can I meet her? It’s a long way to travel up to the North.’ She thought about her plans. ‘But that doesn’t matter. I will go as soon as I can.’

‘You don’t have to go that far, dear. You remember my friend Rene? Well, Ada is living with Rene’s old nanny, Annie. Annie has a house in London.’

How strange the coincidences that are thrown up in life, and even more so in war, thought Edith. Listening to Eloise speaking about Ada’s connection to her friend, and how Ada now lived virtually around the corner from her own Holland Park home, it all seemed incredible.

‘I will visit her, Eloise, I promise. But, you know, there is something else that I think is important too, and I have been putting it off. Jay: I need to meet up with him. And once that is done, we should return to London and I will visit Ada. Do you think you could fix it up so that I could go on my own to see her? I – I . . . well, I think it best. It isn’t going to be easy for her, hearing what I have to say.’

‘Of course. And, Edith, I am so glad you want to see Jay, too. Look, there is no easy way to say what I want to say. You will think me silly, or disloyal to Andrina.’

They both laughed, and it felt good. ‘Yes, I did. The pair of you were very silly, in my eyes. But you are not now, my darling cousin. You are one of the people I admire most in the world. Now, tell me what you were going to say.’

‘What? My, I didn’t expect that! But, darling, I am not disapproving. I know more than anyone that love can strike at any time and can link the most unlikely people.’

‘Jay isn’t unlikely now. He is above us, in standing. But it isn’t that. I have been attracted to him for a long time. Oh, I know that when Andrina was attracted to him – God rest her darling soul – I was most disapproving, but I didn’t know what love felt like then. You don’t think I am being disloyal to her memory, do you?’

‘No, darling. Andrina would be so happy that you, the sister she loved, and Jay, the man she loved, have found happiness. He does love you, I presume?’

‘I don’t know. I think so. I hope so. But he may not want to speak, even if he does. He may feel guilty about it. Oh, it’s so frustrating!’

‘It will work out. Love finds a way, they say. Let’s go and find Woodacre and ask him to see that a message gets to Jay to invite him to dinner tonight. And I will watch for signs of his affection towards you.’

‘Ha, I’m only teasing. Come on. I think we should also make arrangements to go back to London very soon; tomorrow even, if it can be arranged.’

It had been a surprisingly pleasant evening, and Edith had found herself warming to Jay. It had been embarrassing to her to have to thank him for his generosity, but he had put her at ease. He’d been the gentleman personified in his dealings with them both, though his attentions to Eloise convinced Edith that Eloise’s love was indeed returned. Not that she had done anything about it, as she didn’t agree with interfering in such matters and preferred them to take their course. She was sure Eloise and Jay’s relationship would progress in the near future.

Now, two days later, Edith was on her way to meet Ada. She’d liked what she’d heard of her, and wanted to tell Ada about Jimmy’s last hours. Though wanting to and doing so were two different things, and she wondered just how she would find the courage to do it.

Ada stood up from her seat next to the table when Annie showed Edith into her parlour. Edith kept her gaze steadily on Ada’s. In Ada’s eyes she read an agonizing hope.

‘I’m pleased to meet you, Miss Edith. I hope I’m doing reet calling you that, but Annie said it was how I was to address thee.’

‘I would like that. Ta. And ta for coming to see me. It means a lot to me. You don’t know it, but I’ve felt a connection to you for a long time.’

‘Aye. Ever since Rene told me of you, I have thought of you as a hero, and have tried to hang on to some of your strength and use it to help me. Then, when I heard that Corporal Albert Price, who took you, was the same man who’d tried to save me son Jimmy, I felt the connection even more. It sort of bound me to you. Oh dear, you will think me mad.’

‘No, I don’t. I’m glad I was able to help in a small way. But, you know, I’m not the hero you think I am. I have many failings. Shall we sit down?’

‘Oh, begging your pardon, Miss Edith. That should have been me first thing to do, instead of babbling on. Here, sit by the fire. It’s reet nippy out there today.’

‘Can I get you some tea? I mean, Annie will get it. She said owt we want, I’m only to shout.’

‘That would be very pleasant, thank you. Like you say, it is chilly outside.’ Edith knew that Ada was chattering on out of nerves, but she felt a deep warmth towards this woman, whose honesty shone from her.

After requesting the tea, Ada said, ‘Lady Eloise left a message that you were coming. She said as you have . . . well, that you knew me lad, Jimmy?’

‘Yes, I met Jimmy. And, as you have said, it was his corporal who kidnapped me. Look, this isn’t easy. I – I don’t know where to begin.’

Annie walked in with the tea just then, interrupting them. ‘I had it all ready; just had to add the boiling water, so that you didn’t have to wait, Miss Edith. Shall I pour?’

Ada jumped in before Edith could answer. ‘Naw, I’ll do that, Annie. Ta ever so much.’

‘Well then, I’ll leave you to it. I ’ave to pop out, so you’ll ’ave your privacy, but I’ll be back in an hour. I’ll take Brendan with me; he’s sleeping now. I’ll say me goodbyes to you, Miss Edith. It is nice to see yer again. I would love to ’ave time with yer, if yer can spare it sometime, so that you can tell me what kind of situation me Miss Rene will be going into, and what I should send her, and what I should write to ’er about.’

Annie’s accent brought memories to Edith that hurt. Hers was a female version of Albert’s voice. She banished the thought. ‘I would like that, Annie. I’ll try to sort something out for next week, if that will be all right?’

As Annie left, the sound of the tea being poured into the lovely china cups resounded around the room. Nerves at the thought of the coming ordeal shook Edith. Talking about anything to do with what had transpired always put her in this state, and talking about her time with Jimmy felt so close to her own ordeal that she wondered if she could cope with it.

‘Do sit down opposite me, Ada. It will be easier than looking across to the other side of the room at you.’

Ada sat down. The rattle of the cup in her saucer showed how nervous she, too, was feeling.

‘Before I begin, I want you to know that I understand your loss. I came home to find that my mother and my cousin had both passed away whilst I was lost in France.’ Lost? Yes that was the right word, because that is what I have been. Lost in my own world. The worst thing is that L still feel lost.

‘I’m sorry. I did know. I wondered what it would be like for you, coming home to such news. Me heart goes out to you.’

They were dancing around, not wanting to get to the point. Edith drew in a deep breath. ‘Jimmy wasn’t a coward.’

Aye, I know that. I know about his hand, but how did that happen? Harold, the lad that told me, didn’t know. Only that his corporal had said that it was an accident.’

As gently as she could, Edith told her what Albert had told her. She did not change a thing. As she listened, Ada’s features elongated and her mouth opened in shock. When she spoke, she sounded incredulous with disbelief. ‘Me lad? Me Jimmy? Going to shoot himself? Naw, that ain’t reet; he wouldn’t. Naw . . . Naw!’

‘My dear, it wasn’t Jimmy’s decision. I mean, not a decision that he would take in his right mind. He was traumatized. He’d suffered a breakdown. In that state anyone would contemplate, and maybe even carry out, suicide. But that doesn’t make him a coward. It just makes him a sick boy who needed medical help. Albert went to stop him and lifted him, but the gun went off. Albert hadn’t thought Jimmy meant to do it, so didn’t think the gun was ready to fire. He was mortified and did all he could to persuade the court martial, but—’

‘I’m so sorry, Ada. I shouldn’t have come, but I wanted you to know that Jimmy wasn’t a coward. I – I thought it might help.’

Getting up, Edith went over to the distraught Ada, who was rocking backwards and forwards. ‘I’m sorry.’ Her own tears choked her. Kneeling beside the doubled-over woman, Edith put her arms around her, trying to hold her, but Ada was like a stiff board, rejecting any such comfort. Oh God, why did I think it would help her to tell her? Why?

Unable to stem her own sobbing, Edith knelt close by and cried with Ada, keeping her arm round the back of her. Gradually Ada’s wailing stopped and she asked in a steady voice, ‘Was me Jimmy afraid?’

It was time for some lies. The truth hurt too much. She couldn’t tell Ada how her son screamed in fear, when told that he was to be taken away and tried for cowardice. ‘I don’t think he really realized what was going on. He was very calm when they came to question him. I stayed with him. I am sure he didn’t know what they were saying.’

More lies. ‘Yes. He said he stood straight and was quiet. Albert said he’d never seen a braver lad. Albert was distraught, as he thought he could save Jimmy. He did try. He did all he could.’

‘I know.’ Ada’s body had calmed. Some of the stiffness went from her. ‘I can never have him back. But to know he wasn’t a coward, and yet was shot by his own side as if he was, hurts so much. A sick boy! What were they thinking?’

‘It’s a tragedy. So many sick boys shot. They know about shell shock, but still they pardon very few. I will write a report and ask for it to be put on Jimmy’s file. I will also ask my uncle to bring this question up in the House of Lords. He is on so many committees. We need to get Jimmy pardoned.’

‘Them things don’t happen for the likes of us. Look at my Joe: in prison for sommat as was self-defence. I know it were me husband that died that day, but it was still self-defence. None of your fancy lawyers could save him.’

Edith didn’t know what to say. The whole experience had opened up a wound in her. She fought hard for control over her feelings. But Ada’s next words showed she wasn’t winning that particular battle.

‘Eeh, don’t take on, lass. I – I mean, Miss Edith. None of this is your fault. I shouldn’t have upset you like that. Me grief is the grief of a mother, and that cuts deep. Deeper than you can understand at the moment.’

‘I do understand. Oh, Ada, I do.’ Nothing could rein back the emotion that compelled her to unburden herself. ‘I have twin girls. I left them hidden in France. Oh, Ada, the pain of not being with them, and of living a lie . . . Oh God!’

Ada got up out of her seat and then knelt beside Edith. ‘Eeh, poor lass, come on. Let’s get you to a chair, and then you can tell me all about it.’

Somehow Ada took on the role of comforter, even though she was in dire need of comfort herself. Allowing Ada to help her to her chair, Edith sat down. ‘Promise me you will never tell anyone – not even Annie, or Rene, who I know you are close to. And, please, never breathe a word in front of Lady Eloise.’

‘I won’t. But you sound as though you have a burden too big for you to carry alone. Tell me all about it.’

Once she’d finished telling Ada her story, Ada was silent for a moment. Her hand rubbed up and down Edith’s back. ‘I’ll help thee, lass. I’ll do owt in me power. I’ll look after them for thee. I can think up some story or other. I don’t know what: sommat along the lines of them being related to me. . . That’s it! When were they born?’

‘I don’t know – I wouldn’t think so. They were born six weeks early and were very tiny. Why? What are you thinking?’

‘I could pass them off as Jimmy’s. He went in January, last year, but had a few days’ leave in March when his training was completed. So any child he fathered then would be five months old by now. No one knows me here, so they wouldn’t have a clue me story weren’t true. I could say as me son’s girlfriend had contacted me and said she couldn’t cope, and that she was giving the twins up for adoption, so I took them on.’

‘But if no one knows you, what will it matter, as you can put them at their right age? Oh, Ada, would you? Would you do that for me and my girls? But how would you cope? You already have your little nephew.’

‘Wait a minute . . . Look, yours is an excellent plan, but will put a lot of strain on you, and I can’t see how I could feature in the girls’ lives in the way I would want to, without raising suspicion. But there is a way. I have been thinking for some time about starting a place for girls in my situation. I think there will be many, because war makes people act differently from how they would normally. The place I have in mind will be a place of love, and its aim will be to help unmarried girls keep their child, if they want to. The children will be looked after, and mothers can visit and will be helped eventually to be in a position to make a home for their child. Of course there will be adoption help, for those who can’t have their child with them, for whatever reason. How does that sound to you? Do you think – with me overseeing it all – you could run such a place for me?’

‘It sounds grand, and I’d like to give it a go, but what would it mean? What would I have to do? How will it help you and your girls?’

‘I met someone. And I have written to him. I have told him everything. I am hoping with all my heart that he will still love me, despite everything that has happened, and will ask me to marry him. Then I’m hoping he will agree to adopt the girls. I could bring them back here, and we can take care of them in the home we will start, until – if Laurent is willing – the time comes when they can come to live with me as my own. Oh, that would be wonderful.’

‘It would. But eeh, Miss Edith, there’s such a lot as could go wrong. What then?’

‘I will still have them near me. In the home. And I can see to their welfare and their future. I have to do this, Ada. Putting them in your charge, in the way you describe, would leave me knowing they are well, but that is all. I could never adopt them, or even visit them, for what excuse could I use?’

‘Reet. Your plan it is then. It will mean me giving up my own plans, but I don’t care about that. It was daunting me anyroad. But me talent needn’t be wasted. I can teach the girls we have in the home how to sew. That would be sommat for them in the future. We could have a sewing room, where we make things for them; and as the children grow, they can learn how to do it for themselves. We could take older children in – those that have been orphaned.’

Edith felt lightened by Ada’s enthusiasm. It fuelled her own, to the point where she decided that she would speak to her father about her plans as soon as she could. Tonight even. Yes. He had said he would be dining with her tonight, and there was only the two of them. She would put it to him that it was this, or going back to France. She knew which option he would choose for her. Plus her training would not go unused. She would work on a part-time basis at the hospital, when they needed a surgeon with her skills, and would be the chief medical officer for the children and mothers in the home. She was sure now that this home could be established.

Despite Ada’s sorrow, she too laughed. ‘Eeh, I feel as though me future is sorted, because I was worried about starting a business up. I don’t knaw much about business, but I do know about young ’uns and what they need, and I have that knowledge in abundance to use.’

‘Thank you, Ada. I’m so glad I came. We have shared things today that will bond us in friendship, despite our different backgrounds. Ada, what do you think about calling the home “Jimmy’s Hope House”?’

Ada gasped. ‘By, that would be grand. It would be like giving him his honour back. Ta, Miss Edith. You don’t knaw what you’ve done for me today.’

‘Nor you, for me. Just to unburden myself is healing me a little. If it hadn’t been for Jimmy and the love Albert had for him, the twins wouldn’t exist, so it is a fitting name.’

Aye. Though I’ll never breathe a word as to where Albert really is, I’ll allus pray as he has found Jimmy and that they’re mates, wherever they are.’

‘I am sure they are, Ada. And thank you for your promise. I hope I haven’t burdened you by telling you the truth. But it really must never get out. I have sworn that Albert left me and went on his way.’

It was with a much lighter heart that Edith left Ada than when she came to meet her. It wasn’t just that there seemed, at last, to be a solution to how she could be with her twins. But, in Ada, Edith felt she had found a true and lasting friend.

22

Edith and Eloise