Chapter Nine
Jack was worried about his grandson. It had been almost three weeks since Finn had announced that he and Marissa were not seeing each other anymore. No other details were forthcoming, and Finn refused to say anything else on the subject. When Jack brought up her name, Finn would find an excuse to leave the room.
He wasn’t eating. Finn would cook simple meals for Jack, but he never joined his grandfather for any of them. Jack saw him more frequently with a snifter of whiskey, and lately Finn had taken to smoking a cigarette with his drink.
Jack wasn’t quite sure what to do. He knew his grandson was nursing a broken heart, and there was no remedy for that except time. But he knew he had to try something to bring Finn out of his darkness. He walked into the kitchen, where Finn was mixing an omelet.
“Well, those eggs are surely goin’ to Heaven,” Jack said, leaning against the counter.
“What?” Finn said.
“Well, you are definitely beating the hell right out of ‘em.” He delivered his punchline.
“Humph,” Finn’s grunted.
“What do you say we take the day and do some fishing? The Kingfish are running about two miles out…”
“No. I do NOT want to spend the day on the Marcai Tonn,” Finn interjected before Jack could even finish his sentence. His response was flat, but Jack could hear the anger boiling just below the surface.
Jack sighed. “Son, I know yer hurtin’. And I know there is nothing to do for it except time. But you can’t give in to the dark that’s gnawin’ inside of ye. It’ll take ye over if you let it.”
Finn dropped his head and took a deep breath. “Grandda, I’m sorry if I am taking my sour mood out on you. I don’t mean to. I just…” He stopped, because words failed him. How could he put his misery into words? He had known Marissa for three short months, but he had loved her like he had never loved another. He had come to worship her as a goddess in the short time she was in his world. And she had played him for a fool. Braced against the counter, his hands were shaking.
“You have to forgive yourself,” Jack said simply.
“Forgive myself?” Finn looked at him incredulously. “I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“You fell in love, Son. And it didn’t work out. You’re right, that’s not your fault. You have to find a way to see past her, to find your joy again.”
A single tear slid down Finn’s cheek.
Maybe the healing has begun, Jack prayed.
* * *
At three a.m., Marissa was crying over infomercials on the newest innovation in household cleaning supplies, and that was when she finally admitted that she was going to need some help to pull herself out of this grieving process. She hadn’t seen Finn in almost a month. He had only been a part of her life for three months, but she still wasn’t able to figure out how to move on without him.
Every time she left the house, she was both terrified and excited that she might run into him. She had started taking a longer route to the grocery store so that she didn’t have to pass by the gym where she knew he went to exercise. She avoided any place that reminded her of him, which included the entire beaches area, the theatre, the planetarium, the zoo, and all of her favorite restaurants. She dreaded running into friends because they would inevitably ask about Finn. How had he gotten so popular so fast? And how had she gone from being “Marissa” to “Marissa and Finn” so quickly? She couldn’t listen to the radio, because every song reminded her of him.
Something had to change.
“I think it is time to call Erik,” she said to the ceiling.
* * *
Erik Temple had been Marissa’s lab partner when she was an undergrad at the University of Florida. After graduation, he went directly into medical school at John’s Hopkins. They kept in touch over the years, but didn’t get to see each other very often. “Marissa! I’m so glad you called! Wow, you look great!” Erik gave his old friend a hug and sat down at the table with her.
“Hey, Erik!” she said. “I’m so glad you could meet for lunch! How is everything going?”
“Oh, I can’t complain,” he said, “I just moved into a bigger office.”
“Are you still in private practice?” she asked.
“Yes. I thought about partnering with one of the HMO’s, but decided against it. I didn’t like their ‘got to meet the quotas’ policy. So how are you? Are you finished with your master’s yet?”
“Almost,” she said. That was another thing she couldn’t even think about, thanks to Finn.
“So, what is going on, Marissa? Why did you call me out of the blue?”
“Well, I was thinking about making an appointment to see you professionally,” she said, staring into the tablecloth, “and I just wanted to catch up with you first. You know — just chat for a while.”
“How can I help you, Marissa? Tell me what’s going on.”
“No, I don’t want to take advantage of you. I can make an appointment and come see you at your office. I just wanted to be sure you’d be okay with that.”
“Marissa, I can look at you and tell that something is bothering you. Even though we don’t see each other very often, I am your friend and I can see that you’re hurting. I am also the best psychiatrist in the city, and I am offering you my services for free. Tell me about your life. I saw Zach Baldwin the other day. To hear him tell the story, you are dating Pierce Brosnan.”
Marissa laughed and sobbed at the same time, and a tear escaped.
“Oh god, Erik, I am so sorry. I am kind of a mess these days.” She wiped her face with the napkin he handed her.
“Is it trouble with your boyfriend?” he guessed.
She relayed the whole sordid story, including the horrible ending and the anguish of the last month.
He listened compassionately, asking clarifying questions, but making no judgements. He let her tell her story.
“…and I just can’t seem to move on. I don’t know what else to do. I was hoping you could prescribe me something that might help.”
“Well, meds are a short-term solution, but I think you definitely need something to help you get out of bed in the mornings,” he said. “Tell me this: why did you break up with him?”
“Because, I told you. I am too old for him. I can’t get pregnant, and he deserves to have a family.”
“So, you did it for him?”
“Of course! I certainly didn’t want to get myself in this condition!”
“Did he tell you he wanted children?” he asked her.
“Um…no. Not specifically. But when I saw him with those kids, I realized what a great father he would be.”
“But he never mentioned it himself? What about you? Do you want children?” he asked.
She stopped. She had never really asked herself that question lately.
“No,” she began. “I mean, I never wanted them before. But… I don’t know. I mean… a little boy with his eyes and his smile….” Her voice trailed off as more tears began to flow. “But,” she sniffed, “that isn’t possible for me, Erik. I am too old to get pregnant.”
“Well, it is improbable, that is true. But it’s not completely impossible. Plus, there are other options available to you as well that you could have explored together as a couple. So, why did you use this as the excuse to break up with him?”
She didn’t answer. He was turning things around on her. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say. Why did she use this as an excuse to break up with him?
“I… I wanted him to be happy,” she said.
“Did he seem happy when he left you at the beach?”
“Well, no. But in time he…”
“Marissa,” Erik leaned forward and took her hand. “I am not trying to be hard on you for no reason. I am trying to help you find the real motivations behind your actions. Why did you break up with him?”
“Because, I… I … I didn’t want him to hurt me. I knew he was leaving and I knew it would hurt me.” The truth hit her like a ton of rocks. For all her noble posturing and martyrization, the truth was she had still been trying to protect herself. And then she went and inflicted the very pain that she was trying to avoid, both onto herself and Finn.
Erik was quiet for a moment while she processed the new information. After a while, he said, “Marissa, have you ever met my wife?”
“Janet? Yes. I love her, she is great,” Marissa, wiping her tears away, was glad to have a change of subject for a minute.
“Did you know that Janet is twenty years older than I am?”
“Are you kidding me?”
He laughed. “No, I am not kidding. She is sixty-seven now.”
“But I only met her a few years ago and there is no way she looked like she was in her sixties!”
“She does look great, doesn’t she? But that is not my point,” he said. “My point is that we have an amazing, fulfilling relationship, and an outstanding marriage, going on eighteen years now. Even with the difference in our ages.”
Marissa tried to let this sink in. “But… you don’t… I mean… do you ever wish you were married to someone your own age?” She whispered the question. She knew it was rude, but this was something she needed to know.
“No. Never.” He stated it simply and directly. “Marissa, I am not saying that you and Finn should be together, I am not saying that things will always work out. But what I am saying is that it is certainly possible to have a wonderful relationship despite, or even because of, an age difference. Loving someone is always a risk. It makes you vulnerable. But what you have to decide is whether or not the risk is worth taking.”
Her brain was spinning. In less than an hour, Erik had torn down all her illusions. The buzzing in her head began to coalesce around one central idea. Marissa, you’ve made a horrible mistake.
* * *
Too keyed up to go home, Marissa walked around the mall while she waited for her prescription to be filled. Erik had prescribed her ten Xanax, and warned her to use them wisely because she wasn’t going to get any more. He told her to go home, take one, and go to sleep. But she had too much thinking to do to follow that advice.
She felt lighter than she had felt in weeks. Her chest didn’t feel tight anymore. Her feet glided smoothly across the stone walkways. She had hope.
She had been so stupid, and selfish, and wrong. But none of that mattered now. Now she just needed to win him back. There was no doubt that the reward was greater than the risk. She was in love with Finn McKenna, and for the first time it didn’t fill her with feelings of dread. It was okay to be in love with him, her doctor had said so. If Erik and Janet could make it work for eighteen years now, she knew she and Finn could do it too.
She bought clothes. Lots of clothes, including lots of sexy underwear for Finn to take off of her.
Marissa decided she would wait until tomorrow to see Finn. She needed to try to get a good night’s sleep, Erik’s prescription should help with that, and then tomorrow she could face Finn and convince him to give her another chance.
* * *
When she pulled her car into Jack McKenna’s driveway, she realized she didn’t have a plan. Well, the plan was to simply throw herself on Finn’s mercy and beg him to forgive her. Was that enough? Jack’s old pick-up was backed into the driveway, but there was no sign of Finn’s rental car. She hadn’t considered that he might not be home. No matter, this might work out better for her. It would give her an opportunity to talk to Jack alone. If she could get him on her side, he could help her plead her case.
She took a deep breath and approached the door, but when she knocked, it swung open. She looked around in the foyer. “Hello? Jack? Your door was open…” she called, but there was no response. She heard a muffled “Ow!” come from the hallway, and went to investigate, calling “Jack? It’s Marissa, is everything okay?”
When she got to the hallway, she saw Phil carrying an oversized cardboard box, overflowing with picture frames and clothes. The house was in complete disarray. “Phil? Oh my god, where is Jack? Is he okay? What is going on?” she said, her mind immediately jumped to the worst possible explanation.
“Oh, Marissa. Hi. Sorry, I didn’t hear you,” he continued on to the dining room and sat the large box on the table, and began adding the pictures from the dining room to it. Marissa looked around and saw that other stuff had been packed as well. There were boxes everywhere, some empty, some half full, and some already taped up and stacked.
“Phil, what is going on?” she asked.
“Well, apparently Jack has decided to move to Ireland. He asked me to pack up the house.”
“Where is he? Where is Finn?”
“I just told you. Ireland.”
She grabbed onto the table. The weight of that statement almost knocked her down. “You mean they are already in Ireland now?”
“Yeah. They left last week. Finnian managed to convince Jack to go with him, and they left without a word to anyone. He called yesterday to tell me where he was, and asked if I’d close up the house and send him his clothes and pictures.” Phil acted a little aggravated over it. He continued, “I just can’t believe he picks up and runs off to Europe without letting anyone know what he was planning. We didn’t even get to say goodbye or anything.”
“Well…when are they coming back?” She refused to believe it.
“I don’t believe they plan on coming back. I’m supposed to find a realtor to put the house on the market.”
* * *
Marissa sat in her car in her own driveway. Finn was gone. Left last week. Selling the house. Not coming back.
Those were the phrases that stuck in her mind from her conversation with Phil. Last week! If she had just gone to him one week sooner, maybe she would be in his arms right now instead of six thousand miles apart. When last week? she wondered. What had she been doing the moment he boarded a plane to put an ocean between them? What had she been doing the moment he decided to leave three months before the end of his visa?
Had he been as destroyed as she was? Was he still missing her, or hating her, or pining for her? Was he still thinking of her at all? Was he in some Dublin pub right now, chatting up some new girl? She checked the time on her phone: three-seventeen p.m. That would make it eight-seventeen p.m in Dublin. Prime dating hours, on a Friday night.
“No,” she said out loud. “No, no, no, no.” She wasn’t going to let this happen. Damnit, she had finally realized that they were meant for each other, and it just wasn’t going to end like this.
The Universe and given her the perfect man and she had thrown him away. Okay, she accepted the fact that she deserved some punishment, she needed to be taught a lesson. I am going to have to fight for him a little harder than I thought, that’s all.
She dialed his number.
After a series of clicks, a smooth female voice answered. “The number you have reached is no longer in service. Please check the number and dial again, or press one for the operator,” it suggested.
Not in service? She tried again, just in case, but got the same recording. Did he change his number just to keep her from calling him?
“Now what?” she asked her steering wheel.
She went into the house and straight up to her bedroom. Tears were brewing, and panic seemed imminent, but she had cried enough already, and panic would not help her solve her problems. She took a deep breath and pushed the anxiety to the back of her mind. I have to think logically, not emotionally, she instructed herself, Find a solution, Marissa. There has to be a way.
She looked around the room, waiting for inspiration to strike.
Finn has gone back home. His telephone number is not working. She didn’t know his email address, she had never really had a reason to ask for it, and she knew for a fact that he was not on social media. She knew where he worked. She could call his office and ask to speak to him; it shouldn’t be too hard to find the number. No, it was after eight in Dublin. No one would be at work now. Besides, she didn’t want to call him at work. He wouldn’t be able to speak freely to her, and they wouldn’t be able to have an honest conversation.
She started digging through her purse hoping to find a piece of peppermint candy, which always worked to soothe her nerves. Her old and worn Discover card fell out onto the bed. She had opened the account to be used only for airline tickets when she visited Fred in Virginia. Traveller’s points. Frequent flyer miles.
She smiled.
Marissa was going to Dublin.