Blooper Central: Copyeditors asleep at the switch

•The firemen rescued a cat using a small axe.

•“It’s Hawaiian night at the Dorval community centre, so please come in your shorts.”

•“It was a shock, like finding out Michelangelo didn’t paint the Mona Lisa.”

•“They’ll be shaking and rattling, rocking and rolling, but it will all be for a good cause as the second annual West Island radiothon for cerebral palsy kicks into high gear.”

•“University of Montreal education students made twice as many spelling errors in a simple dicatation in 1984 as grade seven students did with the same dicatation in 1961.”

•“In the 1980 election, Lachance beat his closet rival.”

•“The driver began masturbating but stopped for a red light.”

•“But Paquette said his door is always open and is easy to get along with.”

•“Quebec forestry conservation officers were anxiously waiting for the sun to rise last night so that they could put out a forest fire.”

•“‘It was a bright, sunny day, his zipper was down and he stuck it (his penis) out,’ said Sgt. Yvon Morel.”

•“Other major expenditures for the year include $180,000 to pave and put sewage along St. Pierre St.”

•“Upon proffering aid, the cyclist noticed the man wore nothing below his white shirt and dark tie and was in a state of erection.”

•“Pounds of flesh gyrated under a hot summer sun to the beat of calypso and reggae music.”

•“Lebrun said neighbours became suspicious when they heard someone breaking through a wall at around 1 a.m.”

•“Police suspected the man was drunk after they noticed he had red eyes, trouble standing, and handed over his MasterCard when asked for his driver’s licence.”

•“But the 3-1 Cobras’ lead fell apart early in the third when the sea parted between Roy’s legs.”

•“‘God never closes a front door without opening a back window,’ Bishop Crowley told his congregation of homosexuals.”

•“John didn’t waste any time: within 20 minutes, he had bet $100, and lost twice that much.”

•“Forecasting is very difficult, especially if it is about the future.”

•“The good folks at the Banque Nationale apologized for the mix-up and suggested an over-zealous computer was sticking its nuts and bolts where it had no business.”

•“Macdonald College security guards are wondering what happened to a Denver Boot they attached to a frequent parking offender.”

•“On Wednesday night, coach Lafortune returned to his spot behind the bench, but relieved himself midway through the game.”

•“A 69-year-old blind woman clinched a court case for a group of 10 Lotto 6/49 winners when she calmly reeled off 13 ticket combinations she had memorized at a glance.”

•“It’s really only 50 minutes between the time all the guys get on the ice and when they blow the siren to get us off.”

•“The Sainte Anne de Bellevue Horticultural Club is calling on all nature lovers to polish off their green thumbs.”

•“When the Châteauguay Raiders and St. Hubert Rebelles last met a year ago, it was sort of like watching Godzilla and Kermit the Frog in a tobacco spitting contest.”

•“Leg amputees will no longer have to ‘hop, skip and jump’ the way Terry Fox did thanks to a new artificial limb bearing the one-legged hero’s name.”

•“Sgt. Castonguay said a thief held a revolver to the employee, and warned, ‘Don’t move or I blow it.’”

•“It wasn’t until 1705, when Joseph Trottier Desruisseaux was sent by Frontenac to populate the land, that the windmill was built.”

•“Const. André Cardinal said the robber stood in line then, in a ‘nice, smiling way,’ ordered the teller and a trainee to hand over the contents of their cash drawer. When the pair didn’t take him seriously, he pointed to his pants and said he had a gun.”

•“If Rick Hansen knew the physically disabled have nowhere to live on the South Shore he would roll off the road.” (Hansen is an activist for people with disabilities and is famous for his Man in Motion World Tour in a wheelchair.)

•“The lean, six-footer made it out into the cold early morning air, when the first bullet caught up with him.”

•“According to 1984 federal government statistics, just 6.2 per cent of Quebecers were served by sewage that year.”

•“She has two tattoos on her body: the word ‘Eric’ one her right shoulder and the letters ‘Eri’ on her right toe.”

•“Thieves used a crowbar to pry open a window at a golf course pro shop and steal gloving gloves.”

•“My right front foot hurt so much, I began to cry.”

•“For the losing team, playing the Lakeshore Lions was as much fun as laying carpet in Rock Forest.” (A reference to the shooting of two innocent carpet-layers by police in Rock Forest, Quebec, in 1983.)

•“Got no arms? Got no legs? Still want to go for a drive in the country? No problem …” (The story was about someone who retrofitted vehicles for the handicapped.)

•“The coach said he could sum up the reason for the team’s success in one word: ‘hard work’.”