After her friends had left on Sunday afternoon, Esme had felt lifted and joyous for the first time in ages. The week passed quickly and even though it was a boring normal Thursday for most people, Esme buzzed around the kitchen, excited about the day to come. Not only had snow been forecast, but last night she’d had an amazing idea while staring at her Christmas tree.
Though it was now decorated, it was missing a star, and she’d invited Alice and Daniel over to make some decorations with her. Daniel had just finished nursery for the Christmas holidays and Alice had finished work too. One of the things Esme remembered most about Christmas was making salt dough decorations with her grandma. Alice had agreed Esme could film them and put it on her vlog and Esme hoped it would go some way to showing her angry fans that she didn’t always have a mouth like a sewer. The camera was ready to go, and she’d placed the little stool she used for reaching the top shelf behind the counter for Daniel; without it the only thing you’d see would be the top of his cute little head bobbing about.
When there was a knock at the door, Esme knew who it was and could hear Daniel’s excited voice. She’d lit the fire so the place would be warm and toasty for him, and had pulled the coffee table in front of the hearth so Daniel couldn’t get too near. As Esme opened the door her eyes widened in shock. Alice, who when she wasn’t working at the local supermarket spent her days in jeans and baggy jumpers with no make-up on and hair scrunched up into a simple ponytail, was reminiscent of her wedding day. The only thing she was missing was an actual wedding dress. Her make-up was flawless, her skin perfect and glowing and her hair head been curled and fixed up in a messy bun. She looked incredible. Esme thought about her unbrushed tied back hair and her stained apron. She was going to have to tart herself up before she turned on that camera.
‘Aunty Ezzy!’ shouted Daniel, grabbing hold of her legs.
Ezzy scooped him up into a hug and kissed his cheek. ‘Hey, little man. How are you? Have you been a good boy for Mummy?’ He nodded and once she put him down, he darted past her into the house. Esme watched him go and turned back to her sister, giving her a hug. ‘You look nice.’
‘Don’t.’
‘What?’ Esme giggled as they walked into the cottage. ‘You look great.’
‘Don’t,’ she said again, but a hint of a smile was creeping out from under her blushes. ‘Mum insisted.’ With the tips of her fingers, Alice gently touched the bun. ‘She said I can’t go on TV looking like I normally do.’
‘She has a way with words, doesn’t she? Come on, let’s get this show on the road. But I’ve got to re-do my make-up first.’
‘Stop it!’
‘Seriously, you look hot and I look like a mess. Not even a hot mess.’ Esme glanced up at the sky. A sheet of low cloud covered the sun, casting a strange eerie light all around. Esme’s tummy fizzed with excitement at the prospect of snow. It was bitterly cold but the air was strangely still. Hurrying to close the door, Esme said, ‘Give me five minutes to sort out my do and shove some foundation on.’
She quickly applied some more make-up and even tweezed her eyebrows while Alice put the kettle on. Once she was done and they’d swallowed a cup of tea, they moved to the kitchen. ‘You ready, little man? I’ve got you a stool to stand on so you can see everything.’ Daniel nodded, his whole body bobbing up and down in excitement. ‘Here we go then.’ She switched the camera on and started her introduction.
‘Hi everyone, I thought I’d do a special video today with this little guy here, my gorgeous nephew, Daniel.’ She gave him a scratch on the head as he waved at the camera. ‘And this is my lovely sister, Alice.’ Alice gave a shy quick smile towards the camera.
‘I finished nursery yesterday!’ Daniel shouted and Esme laughed.
‘That’s just what I was going to say, little man! Hi-five!’ Daniel hi-fived his aunty. ‘So as this little guy finished nursery yesterday and I’m sure your little ones are finishing soon too, I thought I’d show you a great recipe for salt dough decorations. When Alice and I were little, our mum and grandma used to make this recipe, and every year we’d make new decorations for the tree. Alice’s were always better than mine because she’s much more artistic than me.’ Alice rolled her eyes. ‘But we absolutely loved making them. So here goes. Daniel—’
‘Hi everyone!’ he shouted at the top of his voice into the camera.
‘You don’t need to shout, sweetheart,’ said Alice. ‘There’s a special microphone that picks up what you’re saying.’
‘Oh. Hello everyone,’ he said again, quieter this time.
‘Daniel,’ Esme continued, a wide grin lifting her heart, she was enjoying herself already, ‘could you put that flour into the mixing bowl and this huge amount of salt. Don’t taste it, it’s gross.’ Daniel, of course tasted it, and pulled a face which made Alice laugh. ‘Alice, could you fill this jug with water, please?’ Alice obliged and as she turned back Esme noticed she was keeping her eyes focused on Daniel so she didn’t have to look directly at the camera. Esme marvelled at how much she enjoyed filming now. Even though her last attempt hadn’t gone exactly according to plan. Esme took the jug. ‘Thanks, sis. Now just add the water slowly until you get a thick dough. If you put in too much water, just add more flour.’
Esme added the water slowly while Daniel was mixing with a wooden spoon that looked far too big for his little hands. Settling, Alice said, ‘Do you remember that Christmas Mum and Dad had to work Christmas Eve so we were with Grandma all day?’ Esme paused. She’d forgotten about that memory, lost somewhere in the depths of her mind, kept down by all the grown-up stuff she had to deal with. Their mum and dad had been unable to get the day off so Grandma had looked after them and even though they’d already spent the day making salt dough decorations, Grandma decided they should make a giant star to be tied to the top of the tree. Esme smiled. That must be where her idea had come from, though she hadn’t realised it.
‘Grandma didn’t have any cutters, did she?’ said Esme. ‘So we had to cut it by hand and ended up with that lopsided monster of a star. It was more like a circle with odd strange pointy bits.’
Alice nodded. ‘That’s on our tree now.’
‘Is it?’
Esme felt embarrassed she didn’t know that. For the last few years, she and Leo had only come down on Christmas Eve and gone straight to her mum and dad’s house. They’d be there for Christmas Day then away on Boxing Day morning to see Leo’s family. She hadn’t actually been to her sister’s house for ages. As shame bit her throat, Esme realised that she’d been caught up in her London life. And with only fleeting visits home to be told how clever she was by her old school friends, and so absorbed in her life with Leo, she’d become distant from her actual family and especially her sister. She was pleased the star was now there for Daniel, just as it should be.
‘It wasn’t exactly star-shaped in the first place,’ said Alice. ‘It’s pretty much falling apart now.’
‘Then let’s make another one, hey?’ Esme said, gently holding Daniel’s shoulder. He turned to her and gave a great toothy grin. ‘And you can make one for me.’
Once the dough was made and rolled out, Esme handed Daniel the template she’d made as she couldn’t find cutters big enough. He held it in place and Alice cut round it to make the topper for his tree but when it came to doing another he said, ‘Aunty Ezzy, can I make you an angel, please?’
Esme felt a stinging in her eyes. She’d missed out on so many special moments with her family, missed so many moments of Daniel growing up. To be here now, making a special memory with him, just as her grandma had with her, meant more to Esme than she ever imagined it could. ‘Of course you can, little man. Let’s make a big one, shall we? I can show our lovely viewers how to make a template.’ Esme found the cardboard she’d used to make the star template and asked Alice to draw a much bigger outline they could cut out and use. Remembering she was actually filming, Esme added, ‘Now you just need to bake them and when they’re cooled, we can paint them.’
‘Yay!’ shouted Daniel again, and Esme went to turn off the camera.
‘I’ll turn it on again when we’re ready to paint, then I’ll edit it all together later.’
‘Okay,’ Alice replied. She was looking a little flushed now and Esme wasn’t sure if it was the heat from the oven or her nerves. ‘Can Daniel play outside?’
‘Of course. There’s loads of space. If he plays out front we can watch him from the living room. Fancy a hot choccy?’
Alice nodded and got Daniel wrapped up in his hat, scarf and gloves, which he only agreed to wear after Esme promised him a biscuit and extra whipped cream on his hot chocolate. As Esme pottered about making the drinks, Alice said, ‘So how are you, sis, really?’
Esme concentrated on whisking the milk. ‘To be honest, I don’t really know how I am. Sometimes I’m absolutely fine. At other times I really miss Leo. My Leo. The one I knew before we moved in together.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And I miss being in London and being near my friends.’ Alice nodded. ‘But you know what?’
‘What?’
‘When you were saying about Grandma just now, I realised how much I’ve missed seeing you and Daniel, and everyone else, all the time. I’ve missed out on so much with that little guy already. When I think of all the nativity plays I’ve missed, all the special days out – I loved seeing him the other afternoon.’
‘When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all,’ said Alice, smiling. But Esme knew how much she loved them.
‘All those times we could have been making special memories baking together and I was just too busy.’ Esme poured the hot chocolates and brought them over to the coffee table, plonking down next to Alice.
‘We never minded. We’re all so proud of you. And you were a long way away. We understood you couldn’t pop down every weekend.’
‘Well, I’m proud of you,’ Esme said in return. ‘You’re raising a fabulous little human there.’ She pointed out of the window to where Daniel was using a stick to beat up a bush. ‘A part of me really wants to stay here. But I always thought once I got back on my feet, I’d go back to London.’ She shrugged and let out a big sigh. ‘Oh, I don’t know.’
‘We love having you here,’ said Alice, giving Esme’s hand a squeeze. ‘But we’ll be there for you whatever you decide. If you wanted to go back to London, we’d just have to make sure we get more family time. Especially without Lousy Leo.’
Esme gawped. ‘Don’t tell me you didn’t like him either?’
Alice scrunched up her nose. ‘Not especially. But he was your choice so we supported you.’ Esme tutted. If she’d known her family’s opinion before, would things have been different? Would they have ended quicker and with less heartbreak? She didn’t know, but her family’s point of view was something to think about. Had they seen the real him while she was looking through rose-tinted glasses? ‘So, Joe Holloway’s been making sure you’re all settled in then?’
Esme eyed her. ‘He’s just called in a few times, that’s all. There’s nothing going on. He has a girlfriend.’
‘Does he?’ Alice sounded surprised. ‘I thought he was all about the one-night stands.’
Esme remembered the first woman in the pub and then the brunette. Who knew what he was up to? ‘He said he had quite a bad break-up. Do you know anything about that?’
Alice nodded. ‘Only the local gossip. I remember when he came back he was a bit of a mess. I don’t know what happened after that. Once, his mum talked to our mum and said he was in a really bad way, hiding in his flat like a teenager. She said he was really sad.’
‘That doesn’t sound like sad to me, that sounds like depressed.’ Maybe he had been. She remembered him saying about hiding in his dressing gown for a year. At the time she’d thought he was joking but when she thought over the way he’d talked about it, about the sadness in his eyes, and the way he’d closed down when she got too close, there was definitely something more going on. Was that why he’d clicked with her? A kindred spirit? Was it only the fact that she was going through something similar that made him seek out her friendship? She didn’t know, but even though the thought made her heart unusually heavy, she’d help him if she could.
The timer pinged and Esme went to retrieve the salt dough decorations from the oven. They were perfect. Suddenly, Daniel burst through the front door that they’d left slightly open for him.
‘It’s snowing, it’s snowing!’
Esme and Alice ran to the doorway and peered out. A few tiny flakes were beginning to fall, drifting lazily on the air. Grabbing coats and boots they ran outside too, jumping about and dancing around. Esme smiled, feeling like a kid again. There wasn’t enough snow for a snowman yet, but they still had fun spinning around with their mouths open, trying to catch the flakes on their tongues. When it got a little heavier they headed inside for warm drinks and homemade chocolate biscuits.
Once the salt dough decorations had cooled, Esme switched the camera on for the painting session. She didn’t remember talking to the camera much during this bit as she was too busy laughing. Laughing with Daniel as he painted her angel strange colours, giving it a green face and decorating the wings with Spiderman webs. Somehow paint ended up everywhere, even on the camera lens. As she wiped it off, saying goodbye to her viewers, and thanking her sister and nephew for joining her, her cheeks hurt from the pure joy of it all. A feeling of warmth consumed her. A feeling that, this time, had nothing to do with the roaring log fire in the living room.