On Love and Relationships
Once you go small, you will never go tall!
What freaky stuff goes on in Shorty’s bedroom stays in Shorty’s bedroom.
I prefer to date taller women. I love the climbing technique. It makes getting the prize more interesting.
On Work
Get the hell out of my office!
I sweet talk, I con, I hustle, but I never give up.
On Being a Little Person
Little people get their revenge on tall people when Hercules farts in the elevator!
I have only dated two Little People women in my life. I call one the Bride of Chucky and the other one Psycho Bitch.
I came to the conclusion that it is okay to slap a Little Person when he tells your wife her hair smells pretty.
Four foot nine is too tall to be short and too short to be tall. Those guys are just screwed.
I may look harmless … until I grab your cojones.
I love going to a crowded mall, it gives me the chance to look at a good piece of ass and not get caught.
On Other People
I just can’t understand how many stupid people we’ve got in this world.
I wish you would!
Everyone deserves a second chance … as long as they’re trying to change.
Are you serious?
On Where He’s Been …
I came from my mama’s womb and my daddy’s nuts!
If Hercules could write a book, I’d be in big trouble.
and Where He’s Going
Watch out, world, here I come!
Life will take you places you’ve never expected to go.
Don’t take life for granted when things are going good.
On Activism
One pit bull at a time.
Why aren’t we punishing the humans instead of the pit bulls?
The people who run the city of Denver might as well be called Nazis!
Dogs don’t talk shit back.
If the dog’s on a plane, it’s not a dog that’s gonna bite you. Pet the fucking dog.
You can rescue all the pit bulls you want, but if you are not promoting the breed, you are doing nothing to change people’s minds about adopting the breed!
On Religion
A Quinceañera? Isn’t that when the young girls lose their virginity?
One time, I was at confession and the priest asked if I had my flask on me.