Katie had been so tired at the end of dinner that she was certain she’d be asleep the moment her head hit the pillow. But it had been three hours since she’d laid down on the little sofa bed, and she was still wide awake.
She’d stayed out on the balcony for almost an hour after Ben went in, replaying their conversation in her head.
What had he meant by saying he should have tried harder? Had he been interested in her the night they met? Was there more truth to his story about the spark than she’d realized?
But that made no sense. If he’d been hitting on her that night, she was certain she’d remember. Grant or no Grant, if a guy like Ben was paying her attention, she’d notice. Wouldn’t she?
Then again, if he’d been that into her, why hadn’t he told Maya? She was certain her sister would have told her, but Maya had only ever mentioned Ben in regard to their friendship, nothing more.
He’d said try harder. How hard did he really try? And did he ever intend to try again?
What would her response be if he did?
She couldn’t deny there was an attraction there. She’d become hyper aware of every time he brushed against her in the elevator or the hall, and she’d taken to inhaling more deeply when he was close by just get a whiff of his cologne.
She’d suspected it might be mutual. There were times she’d look up and catch him watching her, and he’d always unleash that easy smile, the one that never ceased to make her feel like an inferno inside. But he hadn’t made any moves, and other than that weird comment on the balcony, he hadn’t expressed any interest.
Plus, there was the little matter of them agreeing to fake a romance. It was to his advantage to play the role well to convince his family. How dumb would she be to fall for him and buy into their fairy tale for real?
With her brain tired and her body chilled, she’d gone back inside, tiptoeing past the bed to reach her side of the room.
But the sofa bed offered her no peaceful haven of slumber. It must have been made with a child in mind. Her toes bumped the end of the sofa with the slightest flexing of her foot, and though the end above her head wasn’t touching her, having the barrier above and below her and the sofa back along her side made her feel like she was wedged in.
The thin mattress offered little comfort or support, and there was some type of metal frame running beneath it that hit right along her spine.
On top of that, the narrow bed creaked and groaned with any movement, so she couldn’t even toss and turn. And the harder she tried to lie still and quiet, the more her body demanded that she move.
The bed was only part of the problem, though. Despite her exhaustion, her mind refused to shut up and let her sleep.
She’d already re-analyzed every aspect of her move to New York, her relationship and break-up with Grant, her time with her sister, and a myriad of job possibilities for her future.
In an attempt to take Ben’s advice to heart, she’d brainstormed a list of things she could do that might bring her joy and fill her well.
She’d counted down from a hundred twice, and when all else failed, she’d opened the reading app on her phone, figuring if she wasn’t going to sleep, she might as get a few chapters in. But no story could hold her interest beyond the first couple of pages.
And she knew exactly why.
It was all because of the man lying on the other side of that curtain.
A man who seemed to know her even though she didn’t know him.
She’d wondered before they embarked what it would be like to lie in bed knowing a stranger was lying in bed in the very same room. She’d worried that she might feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, or exposed.
In one way or another she’d already felt all those things on the very first night, but in none of the ways she’d imagined.
She still couldn’t believe she’d sobbed all over Ben’s chest, and though he’d joked about her saltwater tears, chances were there was some snot involved as well.
But God, it had felt so good to have his arms around her. To feel safe. Heard. Understood.
Ben let out a quiet moan and shifted in his sleep, reminding her of his presence in the room.
Not that her body ever forgot he was there. Her hormones seemed to be firing on all cylinders at the thought of the tall, dark, and handsome man lying all alone in a huge bed less than two feet away from her.
This trip had to be one of the craziest things she’d ever done.
Why did she think she could stay in a tiny room alone with this man for a week after months spent living alone and not be affected by his proximity?
I mean, granted, that should be possible. It shouldn’t be an issue at all. It’s not like she was an animal, unable to control her base instincts.
Tossing aside the blanket, she stood, thinking maybe she’d go back to the balcony and let the night air cool her skin again. While the temperature was fine without the AC, she needed the air to be moving.
She paused at the curtain. She’d come through his space earlier returning from the balcony, but to enter it again seemed like an invasion of his privacy. What if he woke and saw her standing there like Edward Cullen watching him sleep? Worse yet, what if she truly lost her mind and climbed into bed beside him?
Allowing her thoughts to continue to wander down that ridiculous path provided a pleasant mental journey, but it did nothing to cool her down. All it did was convince her that she needed to leave the room before she did something really stupid.
So, she shimmied out of her pajamas and into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt she’d pulled from the dresser in the dark. But when she tried to open the closet door to grab her sweatshirt, its hinge let out a piercing whine, so she froze, waiting and listening.
Ben changed his position in the bed, but he didn’t give any other indication he was awake, so she eased the closet door closed and grabbed his hoodie from the back of the chair instead.
The Lido deck was deserted in the wee hours, save for one small group of revelers who seemed determined to prolong the night as much as possible.
Katie made her way up to the top deck where she and Ben had watched the ship leave the port and head into the open waters.
Going to the rail, she looked down again, shuddering once more at the height and how black the water seemed. It was much darker from up here than it had been from their balcony, so far removed from the lights at the water’s level that they cast no glow at all.
A chill ran up her spine at the thought of how terrifying it would be to fall overboard, and despite her aversion to the thought, she pictured herself plunging into that inky depth and being swallowed up by the night, never to be seen again.
Backing away from the rail with another shudder, she looked around for a lounge chair, disappointed to see that they’d all been stacked and put away. Wandering toward the rear of the ship where they’d seen the more secluded pool earlier, she was thrilled to see that the large, round wicker chairs were still out, even though their cushions had been packed away for the night.
She started to climb inside one, but the large half dome covering it would hinder her ability to see anyone approaching, and though she felt safe alone on the deck, she knew it would be irresponsible to put herself in such a vulnerable position with no way out.
Standing at the rail at the rear of the ship, she looked down at the frothy water churned by the massive engines. A pale trail of foam snaked into the darkness behind them, and her mind turned macabre again as she imagined what it would be like to fall overboard and watch the ship move away, the glittering lights growing smaller until it disappeared and left you in utter and total darkness.
With a shiver and a shake to dispel the image, she took a step back and turned her focus up to the night sky. She’d found the view beautiful from their balcony, but here, atop the ship and unencumbered by anything surrounding her, she was blown away by the enormity of the sky. Never had she seen it look so huge, like a gigantic dome covering the earth, yet it wasn’t a dome at all. It was open and endless, stretching on far beyond what any human eye could ever see. The longer she focused on any one spot, she’d see another star appear, and then another behind it, and another beyond that. They were infinite, and she’d never felt so small and insignificant on the planet.
Even the enormous ship with all its thousands of people and numerous decks stacked on top of one another was nothing but a dot in a vast body of water on the surface of a planet that was only one of many in a galaxy among an unknown number of galaxies.
Emotion welled within her as she let go of everything else and just acknowledged the wonder in that moment.
She smiled, knowing Maya would be proud of her for committing to be in the present so fully. Her sister was right when she’d said this was like being on another planet. It was overwhelming, but in trying to comprehend it, she’d taken her mind off her little and ultimately inconsequential problems.
A cold wind swept up from the water and blasted her, whipping her hair across her face and chilling her to the bone. Lifting the hood over her head, she hugged Ben's jacket more tightly around her. It carried his scent, and she turned her face into the hood, reaching up to press the fabric against her skin as she breathed him in.
Enveloped in the faint hint of his cologne, she couldn’t help but recall the way it felt to be held in his embrace on the balcony. She imagined what it would be like if he was here now, not as Ben the semi-stranger who was pretending to be in love with her, but as someone she knew and respected. Someone she’d traveled with often. Someone who made her feel safe and seen despite the incomprehensible magnitude of existence beyond theirs. Someone who truly loved her for who she was and would be willing to make their love a priority.
And while she was at it, she wanted someone passionate, affectionate, and loving. Someone who wanted to hold hands when they walked down the sidewalk or who’d rest his hand on her thigh in a movie. Someone who’d brushed her hair off her face and tucked it behind her ear. Someone who’d kiss her forehead.
She wanted to feel dizzy after every kiss, the same way she’d felt when Ben had kissed her. Or when she’d kissed Ben. She still wasn’t sure who was kissing who by the end.
Pretend or not, he’d certainly been all in for that kiss, and she had too. In fact, thinking back on it, she was certain the attraction between them had to be mutual on some level. That kind of instantaneous chemistry would be hard to fake, and she wondered how that moment might have progressed if they hadn’t had his mother for an audience.
It wasn’t likely to happen again, unfortunately. She couldn’t conceive of any occasion where they’d be with his family and need to spontaneously share another kiss, and it wasn’t like affection in front of your parents, siblings, and nephew was something you planned for. Especially not with a family who seemed as emotionally distant as his.
“There you are!” Ben said from across the deck behind her, and she spun with a little scream.