Katie gasped, her hand flying to her mouth. “She was dead? How did she die?”
“They said she overdosed. But no one at the party saw her take anything. No one was willing to say if they saw someone give her anything. Nobody seemed to recall who she came with, and no one saw her leave with me. Or leave in my car.”
“How could no one at a party see anything? Not one single person?”
“Obviously someone saw something, but not anything they were willing to testify about.”
“Oh. Gotcha.”
“So, as you might have deduced, it’s not a great situation to be in when you wake up passed out in your car with a deceased person and no memory of what happened. Toxicology showed we had several of the same substances in our system, so it looked like we had partied together. And the one thing people at that party did seem to remember and were willing to testify about was my fight with Gretchen regarding Henley.”
Ben looked at Katie, and she could see that it had taken a toll on him to share what he had. No wonder he hadn’t told her. Who would want to voluntarily relive that to tell it?
“Did you get blamed for her death?"
He nodded, pulling his hand from hers to go and stand outside on the balcony.
Katie followed him outside, hugging her arms around her waist when she encountered the chilly air.
“What happened? Did you go to jail?”
“No.” Ben sat in one of the chairs and then pulled the other one out to make it easier for Katie to sit in it. “I was never charged and never arrested. They never had enough evidence on me to make anything stick.” He turned to look at her. "I didn't kill that girl, Katie. I used back then; I used a lot. But I never gave it to anyone else or turned anyone else onto it. That just wasn't my thing. I was out for self-destruction, not messing up other people. And the mixture that was in my system that night—the mixture in both of our systems—wasn’t a combination I’d ever taken before. It also wasn’t what I clearly remember taking when I got messed up before I went to bed.”
“So, you think someone drugged you both?”
“I’m certain of it.”
“Did they ever find out who?”
“No. I think Gretchen had an ax to grind with me and was jealous of Henley. I think she set me up to take the fall. She had access to every drug that was in our systems. She had access to my car keys. And the last place I remember being was passed out in her bed.”
"Did the cops investigate her?"
"Yes, but they couldn't find enough to charge her. I always thought Gretchen was an informant, and I think she had someone high up that helped cover this up for her. But as you might imagine, it caused a lot of stress for my family. Nothing compared to what Henley’s family went through, of course. At the time, my mother was a prominent figure in our community. She served on many boards and belonged to different leagues. She was well-respected, and her social status was—and is—important to her. She wasn’t born into wealth like my father. It’s something she fought for and went after, so achieving that status and being respected like that, it’s a crucial part of her identity.
“When the media got ahold of the story, it blew up locally and to some extent on the statewide level. My mother couldn’t leave the house without reporters, neighbors, friends, or strangers asking her to comment on the case. She pretty much had to step down from every position she held because of the publicity, the scrutiny, and just the general chaos surrounding our family. Everywhere you went in our town, everyone was talking about it. And they all had opinions, of course. On my guilt. My upbringing. Everything was under a magnifying glass.” He paused for a moment and stood. “I’m gonna get a water. You want one?”
Katie shook her head and waited for him to return.
“Mother got to a point where she just wouldn't leave the house,” he said when he sat back down. “For years. For any reason at all. Like, basically agoraphobic. She’s better now, obviously, but she still doesn’t like to be out in public. She hates crowds and feels easily overwhelmed in them. Henley lost her life, which is the greatest tragedy that happened that day. But in many ways, my mother lost the life she knew, and she’s never really gotten it back. And she’s never forgiven me for it.”
“But if you were set up, then it wasn’t your fault.”
“She never believed I was set up, and that’s because I’d lied to her so often, so I have no one to blame but myself.”
Katie sat and digested all that he’d revealed. “Is that why you quit drinking? And the drugs?”
“Yeah. I was very lucky. Lucky to be alive that night. Lucky they didn't frame me well enough for it to stick. But also lucky that my parents were wealthy, and that my father, as one of the most successful attorneys in Northern California, had a lot of connections. It cost my parents a small fortune to get me through that with the best team money could buy. Then, my father called in every favor imaginable to make sure there was nothing on my record, and nothing that would keep me from going to law school. That had always been his dream. That I’d join the firm with him, and we’d be a team.”
“So, that’s why you went to law school.”
“Yeah. I mean, it had always been the plan—their plan—but I’d bucked against it for years. I never wanted to be an attorney. Never wanted to be in a suit or sit behind a desk. But after that…after all they did for me, after all I put them through…I owed them my life. And my mother still reminds me of that every chance she gets.”
“How did you make the decision to drop law and pursue your own dreams? That must have tough.”
“It was near the end of my final year, and it all seemed so inevitable. Allison and I were engaged—again, someone else’s plan for my life, not mine—and the job was lined up, the wedding was planned, she and my mother were shopping for houses, and I felt like I was drowning. For the first time since the night I woke up in that car, I wanted to use again. And I wasn’t willing to go there. I wasn’t willing to die, which I’m pretty sure would have happened if I’d ventured down that path again. So, I dropped out, called off my wedding, packed up my car and took off. I went in search of a place to belong. Somewhere I could finally be me. I had some incredible experiences, and I learned a lot about people and the world. And it turns out what I was looking for didn’t exist at any destination. It was a place I had to find inside here.”
He bumped the bottom of the water bottle against his head.
“Like I said when you asked me before, I didn't give up a legal career to become an artist. I am an artist. Always have been and always will be. I’d just always been told that wasn’t a viable path for me. It has taken me years to accept who I am and who I was. To forgive myself where I can for the mistakes I made, and to try not to punish myself too harshly where I can’t forgive me yet.
“But in my mother’s eyes, I walked out on a debt and left it unpaid. She’d determined a path for me. Her path for me. And I think she felt that my success on that path would have helped restore her and redeem her in the eyes of those who had judged her for my failings. Being an attorney at my dad’s firm was on that path. Marrying Allison, or rather marrying into Allison’s family, was on the path.”
He grew quiet, and Katie allowed him the space to sit in silence, listening to the waves. After a while, he turned up the water bottle and drained it.
“I wasn’t joking when I said Lydia hates me for being born. She also hates me for being an embarrassment in the years prior to Henley’s death, and for robbing her of the life she’d worked so hard to achieve because of a scandal I brought to her doorstep. I tried to take responsibility for that. I swear, I tried to do the right thing by her. To make it up to her and to my father for what I’d put them through. But it was never enough. She was never going to forgive me, and I wasn’t living my life. I was living in penance instead. Never-ending penance. So, when I made the decision to break free and live for me, my mother vowed she’d spend the rest of her life punishing me until I got back in line and back on the path. It’s why she can’t stop with Allison. She’s still holding onto the idea that if she could just get me in line, she’ll get all the things she deserves. The things I robbed her of.” He leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees as the stared into the water. “She’s kept her promise so far. She’s tenacious, I’ll give her that. I can’t tell you what all she’s done to me, and what’s she’s ruined in my life.”
Katie sat up and leaned forward to look at him. “So, why is she still in your life? Why on earth would you ever go to a family dinner with her? Or go on a cruise? Oh my God, that's insane. You're insane. Well, she’s insane, but why do you put yourself through that?”
“I think part of it is that—despite years of therapy—I believe I still deserve to be punished on some level. I mean, ultimately, whether I was set up or not, what happened to me and my family was my fault. I made some bad choices back then. And living with that is something I’ve worked on and continue to work on.” Shifting to sit up straight, he said, “I also was telling you the truth when I say that I do it for Brady. I can already see in my sister that she's going to be a clone of the woman who raised us, though I must admit, I was pleased to see that Laura did the right thing today. When she realized what was happening, she came and got me, but it was too late. You were already gone.”
“I watched for you,” Katie said. “Not that I want to be that kind of girl who needs to be rescued, but no one had ever talked to me like that. I felt like I was under attack, and for someone who has always been the golden child who could do no wrong…well, I didn’t know what to do with so much venom directed my way. She said I wasn’t invited and had no right to be there. She called your gallery in Barcelona. Called your friends, though I don’t know who. They all verified that you didn’t have a girlfriend, and no one knew who Katie was. She said my life was pathetic because I came on this cruise and slept with you and agreed to live a lie. What could I even say to that?”
Ben rose from the chair so quickly that it clattered against the balcony wall. He knelt before her, laying his hands on her thighs. “Don’t let her in your head. Don’t let her poison work its way into your bloodstream. I’ve been trying for years to heal the damage she’s done to me, and I still struggle with feeling unworthy of love. Not to mention being scared to let anyone in my heart knowing this is the kind of thing they’ll have to deal with. You were invited. Laura called me months ago and said to bring my friend. I hate that I didn’t come to your rescue. I hate that she attacked you because she saw what you mean to me. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this and get back to where we were before.”
A solitary tear rolled down Katie’s cheek, and he reached to wipe it away with his thumb.
“I love you,” he whispered. “I don’t want that to be a bad thing.”
“I don’t either, but I don’t know what to do. This is a lot, Ben. This day has been a lot.”
“I know. What can I do? Tell me, and I’ll do it. I want to make it right. I want to make it okay.”
Another tear threatened to fall, and Katie swiped at it, looking up toward the sky and away from Ben’s pleading eyes. “How’s Brady? Is he okay? The poor kid’s probably traumatized. He’ll never want to have a birthday party again.”
“He’s okay. Unfortunately, it’s not the first time he’s seen things go south. I wanna be around for that kid. I wanna be someone who will stick up for him, advocate for him. I want him to know he has someone he can turn to. That’s something I never had, and if I can maintain some type of relationship with Brady and help him get to adulthood without screwing up as badly as I did, then I reasoned it was worth what I had to go through seeing my mother a handful of times in the year.”
Katie was unable to even conceive of seeing that woman again. She could understand his commitment to Brady, and she felt sorry for the little boy, but if Lydia was going to be a part of Ben’s life, Katie couldn’t be. And she could never ask him to make such a choice.
“I’m tired,” she said “I’m gonna get some sleep.”
Ben rose with her and took her hand, pressing his lips to the inside of her palm. “I’ll take the floor if you want, but if could, I’d really just like to hold you.”
Katie nodded without any hesitation, wanting and needing the same. She didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, and she was still determined to get off this ship first thing in the morning. But she chose to be in the present, loving Ben and being loved in his arms.