Growing up, I had friends who were rich and friends who were poor. I myself grew up in the middle class, so the lifestyle I was accustomed to had a certain set of rules. In her book A Framework for Understanding Poverty, Ruby K. Payne, Ph.D., suggests that there are three classes in America: the poverty class, the middle class, and the wealthy class. Dr. Payne writes about how each class has its own set of hidden rules. Hidden rules that are a part of your environment are learned by being raised in that environment, and being taught by role models in that environment.
Payne states that the hidden rules when it comes to money are very different depending on the class you are raised in. If you are raised in the poverty class, money is meant to be used and spent; you often give money away to someone else who needs it more. You also may spend your money more freely than someone in the middle or wealthy classes.
If you were raised in the middle class, money is meant to be managed. You may have grown up knowing what a budget is, how to put money in a savings account, and how to save for things that you want in the future.
The wealthy class thinks money should to be conserved and invested for future generations. If you grew up knowing what a trust fund was, you are probably a part of this class.
With that information in mind, let’s look at the following scenario:
Joey is a smart boy who lives in a small town in Maine with his elderly grandmother. Joey always wanted to do better in school, but when he brought his homework home he had no one to help him. He had to figure out how to do it on his own, so he struggled in school despite being very smart. When Joey reached sixth grade he had a teacher who recognized his talent but realized he lacked the support at home. His teacher, Mr. Singer, worked hard with Joey that year and got him a scholarship to an afterschool electronics program. Mr. Singer formed a bond with Joey, and since Joey didn’t have a father they became very close. Mr. Singer helped him throughout middle and high school, and literally changed his life. Joey was always very intelligent, and now with confidence in his abilities he graduated with honors and got a full ride to the college of his dreams. He worked hard in the engineering program and graduated with a degree to become an electrical engineer. He fell in love and married a beautiful woman named Emma, who came from a family of schoolteachers and wanted to help students in poverty. Since Joey came from poverty, they had a lot in common.
But shortly after their marriage began, they realized that they had different philosophies when it came to raising a family and money. Joey would often buy on a whim, not consulting with Emma when making large purchases. He would often give their money away to family members who didn’t work or try to make their own living. Emma constantly tried to sit down and make a budget with him, but he could never stick to it. Emma fears for their financial future because Joey has already racked up over $15,000 worth of credit card debt, buys things instead of paying the bills, and has no idea how to budget. Joey doesn’t understand why Emma gets so upset when he buys things for the kids. He didn’t have much growing up and he wants his kids to have more than he did.
If this sounds familiar to you, then you are in the middle of a money-class struggle. Joey was raised in the poverty class and Emma was raised in the middle class. Joey learned that money is meant to be used and spent; when his family got money when he was growing up, they went out to eat, bought a video game, or bought something else they could never afford. His family rarely had money, so when they had it, they spent it.
Emma was raised with the lessons that money needed to be managed. Her parents had her open a savings account when she was twelve, and she learned from them about saving for a rainy day.
Both Joey’s and Emma’s families’ hidden rules are strongly ingrained in them, so much so that they have no idea how to make their relationship work anymore. Before they surrender and file for divorce, they need to think about this: Her normal is not his normal. In order for him to change, he needs to be surrounded by people in the middle class and want to learn the language that Emma speaks. He needs to start understanding the hidden rules of the middle class and how they view and handle money. Emma will need to have patience with him, teach him why they need to budget and save money, and start working on the issue of money together.
Someone who is raised in the wealthy class may have a totally different outlook. Dr. Payne suggests that the wealthy class puts a high priority on investing and appearances, and those are just a few of the hidden rules within their class. If you were brought up in the middle class and married someone from the wealthy class, you may be frustrated that he does not want to spend anything and wants to invest money not only in stocks, but in your children’s education. People in the wealthy class put a lot more emphasis on appearance than any other class, and think very differently about money in general.
In his book Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki states that the rich think of money in a different way than the average middle class. Instead of thinking, “Can I afford this?” the rich think to themselves, “How can I afford this?” Opportunity is their best friend, and they are always searching for new ones.
In all of these scenarios, there are major communication issues. Communication in marriage is crucial, so you need to learn how to get on the same page financially. One way to do so is to realign your values as a couple. I created a worksheet for Mark and me, which I now call the Financial Bucket List (find it in Appendix A). This list helps you figure out what you want to do with your money and opens up the lines of communication between partners. The list is about seeing what your partner prioritizes in his or her life.
You first want to get together, print out two lists, and start by filling out your own list. Then, once you have filled out your list, you can come together and talk. Because you’ve done it separately you can be totally honest about your answers. This completed list will provide you with some talking points to help decide where you want to spend your money. It will show you the value systems you each have, and help you see where the other person is coming from.
When I first sat down and had this conversation with Mark, thoughts about where and how I was spending my money had never occurred to me. I know that sounds nonsensical, but I had never taken the time to sit and think to myself, “Where do I want my money to take me?” When we made our lists and then sat down and discussed them together, I realized many things. I wanted my kids to go to college without any student loan debt, and I wanted us to be able to retire comfortably and travel when we are older. I want a boat when my kids are older, so that we can go out on the water and have family days together. I was able to realize that my frivolous spending on things that really didn’t matter in the long run was keeping me from achieving my long-term goals.
What changed me from being a careless Spender who would easily put $1,000 on a credit card for clothing without consulting my husband? The answer is, I made time to sit down and think about it. It’s that simple—I forced myself to think about what I was doing.
If you are a Spender, I want you to ask yourself the following question this month and think about the answer in detail.
Where do you want your money to take you in life?
Find some time to grab a cup of tea or coffee and a quiet space, and reflect on your answer. Then start thinking about what you need to do to make some changes in your life to get there.
We should live life in the most meaningful way. You may have thought that you would want to pass your money on to your children or other family members. We want the ones we love to be taken care of, right?
You see, deeply held beliefs about money are manifested in individuals’ financial behavior. You spend your money where your values lie. Sometimes we get our values mixed up because we lose track of life, things get too busy, or we never sit down to define those values in the first place.
Where do your values lie? Thinking about this shows you where your values are. It shows you what you care about. My guess is that you weren’t thinking about upgrading your cable package or buying that new Coach purse you’ve been coveting. In fact, that question probably helped you to think about your money in a whole new light. You probably thought about your family, your faith, your job, or your health. Those things that you think about, those are your true values, so start making your spending a reflection of your true value system.
The great news is that you have today to make a good financial decision, and hopefully you have tomorrow and many more years to stick with those decisions. The lesson here? Take action today to start spending your money in a way that better reflects your values.
Don’t let money issues add to the stress of your marriage. Start dealing with the underlying financial issues in your relationship, be aware of your cultural differences, make a Financial Bucket List together, and make your marriage flourish. It will take patience, time, and a lot of work, but the results can be beautiful!
Mark and I got into a good rhythm after a year. We would sit down on the last Sunday of every month to talk about the next month and set our budget. Mark would ask me questions like, “How much do you think you need for gifts this week?” and “Do you think you could work $150 in groceries this month, because we have an extra payment coming up?”
We would go through the budget line by line together. Sometimes we would disagree, but there was mutual respect. Mark would take the cash out every week and we would divide it into our budget envelopes.
We were on the same page, we both knew how much money we had to spend, and if one of us overspent we came back and talked to the other one. We became a well-oiled money couple, and people started to watch and comment about it. Suddenly younger couples started asking us how we talked about money, and we started having them over for dinner and teaching them.
The biggest reason we were able to be on the same page was because we were communicating and taking responsibility for our own actions. There was no more finger-pointing and blaming, only a team effort working toward the same goals.
In the years since we met with the first young couple over dinner, we’ve met with dozens of others. In every single case, it boils down to communication. Each and every couple we’ve met with was lacking appropriate communication with their spouse. There is lack of trust, anger, and resentment, and most were just flat-out ignoring it and had no idea how much debt they had.
Dealing with marriage and money is a lot like an airplane. As the airplane takes off, it can be a little bumpy at first, but you tell yourself it will be okay. When you hit that first layer of clouds and the plane begins to shake, you clutch the armrests and start getting nervous or afraid. Similarly in a marriage, as money troubles start to cloud the horizon, your marriage may start to feel a little shaky and you grab on to what comforts you. But like an ascending airplane, once you get past that first cloud cover you are in the open air and the flight is much smoother. The sun is shining, the air is clear, and there is beauty all around you. That doesn’t mean that you won’t hit an air pocket or some turbulence once in a while, but it does mean that you’ve weathered the storm together.
When it comes to your marriage and your money, don’t quit at the first sight of clouds. Keep holding on and start talking about your money. If you work at it, you won’t stay in the windy air and the bumpy clouds for the rest of your life, so hang on and get through the hard stuff. We went through it, and I can tell you from personal experience, it is worth it!