Chapter 9 Getting Emotional About Your Spending

My dear grandma Roberts always told me there are three things you should never discuss in public: sex, politics, and money. We can all agree that our society has given up on secrecy about the first two, but somehow the topic of money is still taboo. You may feel as if you are the only one who struggles with spending, but the reality is that many people do, it’s just that no one talks about it.

We’ve all known about “keeping up with the Joneses.” The writer and personality Quentin Crisp said, “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” I wonder how many of those Joneses, if truth be told, are as rich as you think they are. If you’ve been trying to keep up with them, you may have been trying to keep up with a lie the whole time. And that lie is responsible for making you dead broke and stressed out.

Think about how you spend right now. What choices are you making? Are those choices for now, or are they for tomorrow? Do you continue to make purchases with a credit card despite being in credit card debt? What will the ultimate consequences of your spending be? What changes do you need to make now?

These are all questions that I asked myself during my darkest hours. I had to analyze the consequences of continuing my bad spending habits, in my case those included losing my home, continuing to live a life full of debt, possibly raising children who have no concept of money, and—even worse—losing my marriage. Suddenly, the difficulties of changing my spending habits appeared much easier to face than the consequences of staying the same. I had to make a choice, and that meant drastic changes. It meant learning about myself, what my triggers were, and getting emotional about my money. How in the world had I charged $12,000 in one night to earn a free car and not get upset about it? How had that happened? I wanted to know why, so I started digging into my motivations to learn how to stop myself from this compulsive behavior.

I realized that the main causes of my overspending were impulsive purchases, boredom, the confusion between wants versus needs, and an inability to say no to myself. This was evident in my life in many different ways.

I wanted to learn how to play the guitar my junior year of college, so I bought a $600 guitar without doing any research. I remember telling Mark at the time, and he was shocked that I had bought it without sleeping on the decision or doing any comparative shopping. The thought of doing those two things never even crossed my mind; it was a totally impulsive decision.

The same lack of self-control kicked in when I would buy my son a new Lightning McQueen toy every time we went to Target (which was about two or three times per week—another issue of self-control). I wanted him to be happy, and it was only a few dollars, I would tell myself. What I didn’t realize was that I was teaching him that he could get whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it, something that I was struggling to unlearn.

I realized I was not the only person with spending issues, so I set out to research and hear from other women with the same issues. In the survey I sent out to my e-mail list, more than 2,200 women answered. The women were between the ages of twenty and eighty-three, with the majority of respondents from twenty-five to forty. I wanted to see if there were common traits and emotional characteristics shared by Spenders. I also wanted to see why these women thought they overspent and if they too felt out of control.

I asked the women these eight questions:

1. Do you currently overspend and go over budget?

2. Why do you think you overspend?

3. What do you think would help you learn how to stop overspending?

4. Do you feel out of control with your spending?

5. What is your age?

6. How do you feel before you spend money?

7. How do you feel while you are spending money?

8. What do you feel after you’ve spent money?

THE SURVEY RESULTS

Seventy-three percent of my respondents admitted to being overspenders. That is a huge majority, and a number that should help you realize that you are not alone! Thousands of others are dealing with this same issue. There is hope for them, and so there is hope for you too!

Here are some of the responses from the survey results when asked why they think they overspend:

If I overspend, it’s because of discretionary spending and typical impulse buys.

I generally go shopping without a list, then end up buying way too many unnecessary things!

Lack of planning, impulse buys

After a long time going without, we now have wiggle room again and we use it.

I am trying to keep everyone happy, even when we can’t afford it.

I don’t think about the impact while in the moment.

Lack of planning and peer pressure

Lack of planning/stress shopping

Because I always say this one is an “exception”—next month I’ll do better.

See something on sale and can’t pass it up

Having trouble with needs versus wants, not having time to budget

Sometimes necessity, other times to give my daughter the best life possible, to nurture relationships

Try to get on a budget, but husband won’t fully commit

I get depressed about having no money so I end up spending even more money, then feel terrible about it later!

My research shows that the number one thing Spenders think will help them is learning how to stick to a budget successfully. If they are the one who is trying to budget, oftentimes they blame their spouse for why they fail.

As happy as I am knowing that I am not alone in my spending woes, I am saddened to think that so many women are like me. Even though I am currently in recovery, I know that one mistake can put me right back in the same boat as so many others. What I found in the survey is that of the 73 percent who said they overspend, 48 percent admitted to feeling happy before they spend money, increasing to 59 percent feeling happy during a spending spree, then plummeting to a low of 43 percent citing feelings of happiness after they spend money.

Some of the replies I saw in the survey made me realize why happiness is such a common feeling among Spenders. Here are actual responses from people who report that they are happier when spending money:

This suggests that there is something happening in the brain of Spenders that may be boosting their endorphin levels during the spending process.

A shocking 56 percent of women who admitted they are Spenders also admitted to feeling guilty after they spend money. The majority of that 56 percent reported that they felt their overspending was a result of a lack of planning and impulse purchases. Here are some of the common responses of women who felt guilty after they overspent:

I want things I can’t have.

I am bipolar and am an emotional spender.

I don’t know how to budget properly.

I spend because I want things that I can’t have.

I get bored and shop for fun.

I spend more when I am depressed.

I tell myself I will pay it off, but that never happens.

I am tempted to spend money and do not plan around that.

I want to make my family happy, so I spend money on them.

I am very impulsive.

I go out to eat too much because of lack of planning.

It’s not my fault; my husband buys things he doesn’t need.

There are too many deals to pass up.

Since I am representative of the women in this group (even though my opinions were not included in the survey), I can relate to all of the answers. You spend money when you don’t have a plan, then you make impulsive purchases and have no idea where your money goes. You try to stick to a budget, but don’t really know how to set one up so that it actually works. Because you don’t budget, you fail at handling your finances. This vicious cycle continues over and over again.

IS DEPRESSION THE TRIGGER OR A RESULT?

What I found interesting in my research is that 21 percent of overspenders say they feel depressed before spending, but that goes down to only 10 percent who feel depressed as they are spending money. After they spend money, however, the depressed feeling shoots back up to 17 percent. The bottom line? There are a lot of women who are spending money when they are depressed, and even though they may feel slightly less depressed while spending, they are likely to spiral back down into feelings of depression and guilt afterward.

In between graduating college and my stint in the home-based business, I worked as a drug and alcohol counselor at an outpatient treatment center. I graduated college with a degree in criminal justice, and took a lot of courses on how addiction and drugs affect brain chemistry. I got an internship at a drug treatment court right out of college, fell in love with the counseling world, and got my first professional job.

While I was working at the outpatient clinic, I conducted independent counseling as well as group sessions. When evaluating our incoming clients, it was often hard to figure out if the addiction or the mental illness came first.

Growing up, I saw mental illness and addiction firsthand. My older brother, Rick, was first diagnosed with ADHD as a young boy, which later became a bipolar diagnosis. Rick began experimenting with drugs at a very young age, and by the age of sixteen he was using hard drugs like cocaine and heroin. He was an addict for ten years, often living on the streets of New York City or in friends’ cars. We were all devastated when his life spiraled into full-blown addiction. We missed the brother that we had grown up with, and desperately wanted him to be well again.

We would occasionally hear from him and know that he was alive, but that he had been seduced by his dream of living a life without responsibilities. He would often change his mind about his lifestyle and get himself into rehab. His desire to change would disappear once he was out of rehab, though, and back in his old environment. He would start using almost immediately because the temptation was just too strong and he didn’t have strong enough boundaries in place to stay clean.

At the age of twenty-six, my brother hanged himself while in a prison cell. He was a kind and loving brother, but eventually the addiction and mental illness got the best of him. After he died, I had such guilt. I had smoked with him dozens of times—he introduced me to it, actually. I ran in a bad crowd with him for years. It had never become anything more than a casual thing for me. Addiction is something that runs in my family, and even though my addiction was not heroin like my brother’s was, my drug of choice had become shopping.

I always wanted to find out why I overspent; it was always an emotional thing for me. I would feel depressed or bored, then spend money, and feel better for a while, then would feel depressed again. Eventually, a few days later, the cycle would repeat itself.

It wasn’t until I was able to learn how to budget, use cash, and track my spending that I was able to make rational decisions with my money. What I found is that when I tracked my spending, it took away the emotional and addictive part of shopping for me. It helped me stay away from those spur-of-the moment purchases and become less stressed, less depressed, and more focused.