You are pacing the waiting room of the personnel department before an interview for an entry-level job in the industry you have always dreamed of. You hear the words you’ve been waiting for, “Ms. Samuels will see you now.” You clear your throat, push back your hair, and mumble a nervous “Thank you” to the receptionist. You’re as tense as a turkey in November.
The moment you cross the threshold, Ms. Samuels smiles, stands up, and walks around her big desk toward you with her hand out. She says, “Welcome. Please have a seat. Settling in behind her desk, she says, “I’ve read your résumé and have been looking forward to meeting you.”
Whoa! Your confidence soars. You chat amicably. You answer her questions accurately. The woman on the throne is obviously impressed.
Now you’re really flying high.
But as the interview ends, so does her smile. Instead of standing to see you out, she’s shuffling through papers. With a disinterested voice and no eye contact, she murmurs, “Thank you for coming. Good-bye.”
You crash. Your head is reeling. What did you do wrong? She was so warm at first and now . . . nothing.
Driving home, you feel like a human malfunction.
Much, much later that night, just like a worm regrows the missing part when cut in half, your survival instinct starts mending your severed ego. You wake up the next morning loathing the person who slashed it.
Did Ms. Samuels consciously try to make you feel like a worm? Of course not.
Maybe she had a lot of work to do. Perhaps she had an important call to make. Possibly . . . conceivably . . . feasibly . . . perchance . . . It could be anything. Only one thing is sure. Ms. Samuels was not a big cat.
We have defined people with EP as “being aware of themselves, their surroundings, the current situation, and other people. They make a concerted effort to harmonize all four.”
Ms. Samuels lost on all counts.
• Themselves: She wasn’t sensitive to her role vis-à-vis you. Ms. S. didn’t realize you might perceive her as the woman who holds your entire professional life in her hands.
• Their surroundings: She didn’t sense that sitting behind her big desk across from you was daunting. People who are sensitive to your emotions move chairs so there are no obstructions between you.
• The current situation: She knew, of course, that she was interviewing you for a job. But that’s where it stopped. Big cats understand the magnitude of the occasion for you. They know the implications of their actions and your possible interpretations.
• Other people: Here is where Ms. Samuels really lost it. She was immune to the thousands of signals you gave off—that we all give off—every minute of interacting. She wasn’t even aware of the obvious—how tense you were at the beginning and how her smile melted it away. She didn’t notice your pride when you answered her questions, nor detect your devastation at her lukewarm dismissal. If Ms. Samuels had had an ounce of EP, she would have sounded equally as enthusiastic, if not more, as she said good-bye. A big cat makes people feel good about themselves, even if they don’t get the job.
Have you heard of the Von Restorff effect? Hedwig Von Restorff was a German physician/psychologist who proved that the last item on a list has a long-lasting effect. Last impressions are thus almost as memorable as first. Trial lawyers use this Von Restorff effect to set murderers free or send them to the electric chair by saving their most powerful arguments for last.
Motivational speakers punch their pillows at night trying to come up with the perfect finale to their speech—one to bring the applauding audience to their feet.
Take a tip from these pros and pay attention to your passion level as you part, not just when you meet. Keep in mind that, for a big friendship or professional boost, your “goodbye” must match or, preferably, be bigger than your “hello.”
Just as a job applicant wants the interviewer to be every bit as enthusiastic at the end of the discussion as at the beginning, we want people to like us even more after we talk to them. If they don’t sound as warm or warmer, we suspect we disappointed them in this last contact.
The technique of leaving a great last impression blossomed from a small seed—a seed that still annoys me like it’s stuck between my teeth.
Whenever I’m on a trip, my dear friend, Phil Perry, and I often chat on the phone. I call him when I’m on the road and enjoy his, “Hello Leil! It’s great to hear your voice. How are you? How’s your trip going?” Lots of warmth. Lots of energy. Lots of friendliness.
As we are ready to hang up, however, his enthusiasm nosedives. He mutters a quick “G’bye.” Click. He could just as well be saying, “Buzz off!” He doesn’t mean it any more than Ms. Samuels did. It’s just that neither understands how a lively hello and a lackluster good-bye affect someone. Subconsciously, they feel they disappointed you.
Verbalizing your delight is even better. Don’t leave it to chance. Practice a few upbeat goodies to juice up your goodbyes in person, on the phone, or in your e-mail (which we’ll talk about in Part Nine). And don’t forget to use their name each time. Here are some examples.
Saying good-bye after having met and chatted with someone:
“I really enjoyed meeting you, Marisol!”
“Gian, I’m glad Joshua introduced us!”
Now you encounter a friend or acquaintance on the street or at a party:
“I’m so pleased we ran into each other, Renee!”
“Good bumping into you, Brendan!”
At the end of a meeting or evening with a friend:
“I had such fun talking with you, Tania!”
When you’re about to hang up on the phone:
“Gabriella, great talking to you! I’m glad your trip is going well and looking forward to seeing you when you get back.”
Incidentally, Phil now gives me a huge “good-bye” ever since I showed him this chapter for permission to use his name.
Little Trick #18
Make Your “Bye” as Big as Your “Hi”
The next time you meet someone, make a note of how enthusiastic you sounded when you said hello. Then, when it comes time to say good-bye, boost your energy level up a tad higher. If appropriate, tell the person of your pleasure.
A lively good-bye is like a warm kiss at the end of the evening. A lethargic, low-energy one sounds like a kiss-off.