You’ve heard kids bawling, “No, I don’t wanna to kiss Aunt Ellen.” “Don’t make me go to Grandma’s!” “No, I don’t want Uncle Chuck to come. I hate him.”
That is not just a child’s cry of anguish. Adults can feel that way, too. We know, however, that we have to be more “civilized” (read: “hypocritical”) about social obligations.
Several years ago, I got a sweet little suite in Sarasota to escape the New York shivers from time to time. On our monthly girls’ night out with a few friends and acquaintances, I lifted my one-too-many glass of wine high and, in a moment of euphoria, slurred, “Sara-shotaish is beautiful. I’m going there for Thanksgiving and if any of you want to, hic, come visit, please do.” Gratefully, my friends were wise enough to know it was just the gushing of a proud new property owner, not a serious invitation. All except one.
The following day, I received a breathless call from Nina, the newest and youngest member of our group. “Oooh, Leil,” she cooed. “I told my boss about your invitation, and she gave me two extra days off at Thanksgiving. I can visit you in Florida!” She paused, waiting for me to share the exhilaration of spending the holidays with her.
Oh poop! There go my plans of sleeping, swimming, catching up on some work—and solitude.
“Oh, gosh, Nina, that’s wonderful.”
She sensed the lack of exuberance in my voice, because she added, “Well, I mean, if Thanksgiving is the least bit inconvenient . . .”
I was trapped. I felt like a turkey surrounded by a band of hungry Pilgrims. “Oh, no, Nina. It will be so much fun,” I lied.
The nerve! Wasn’t she worldly-wise enough to know that 90 percent of houseguest invitations are just formalities? Make that 99 percent if someone has had anything to drink.
But I couldn’t blame Nina. She got me fair and square. Ol’ big mouth here had invited her, and Nina’s only crime was taking me seriously.
You are facing two challenges here. One, you want the Uncle Chuck or Nina types in your life to feel welcome (even though they aren’t). Two, you want to relax during your together time and not have to be constantly on guard that your true feelings will slip out. Psychologists tell us that, no matter how you try, you can never hide it if you are harboring hostility. They call it “emotional leakage.” If Unwanted Guest asks for something extra, a supposedly “unseen” frown will flicker across your forehead. If he sneezes, your “God bless you” will sound more like “Go to hell.”
The natural instinct (and mine, until I fought it) is to have as little communication with the imminent intruder as possible and to pray for a miracle. After all, you certainly don’t want to encourage something you don’t want, right? Wrong.
Once it sinks in that the dreaded deed is inevitable and there is no escape without damaging the relationship, don’t drag your heels. Rather, go full speed ahead toward the disaster.
I raced into action. The first task in making Nina think I was eager for her visit was to call to ask if she had bought the tickets yet. I sensed she suspected my sincerity because she he hadn’t. I chided her, “Nina, do it now because airline fares go sky-high the nearer you get to the holiday.” She was pleased with my concern.
My second ploy was spending half an hour online finding her a good cheap flight to buy. When I called to tell her, I heard her distrust dissipating.
I e-mailed her the websites of Sarasota attractions and photos of my favorite beaches. Knowing she was a mall-crawl kind of gal, I listed the shopping centers. That “proved” how much I was looking forward to seeing her. I had convinced Nina that I was as ecstatic about her trip as she. And what had it cost me? Less than one hour total, a small price to pay to make her feel welcome—and me less like a liar and hypocrite.
Here is the payoff for you. If you express extreme enthusiasm before an unwanted situation, it deters people from noticing the lack of it during. Therefore, I could drop Nina off at the beach and go about my business, guilt-free, not fearing that she would detect my “emotional leakage” that I wanted some time away from her.
This Little Trick is not just for unwanted guests. It helps you handle practically all situations where you want to conceal your lack of enthusiasm. It camouflages negativity about unwanted projects at work, trips and visits you must make, events you are obliged to attend, clients you must entertain, and a variety of other bummers.
Little Trick #43
Go the Extra Mile Before the Bummer
When you are trapped like a bug in a bottle with no escape, don’t just accept it. Race toward it with gusto. Find excuses to contact the people involved several times beforehand with zeal. It blinds them to your negativity, and you don’t need to be nervously on guard every minute you’re with them.
So far in this part, we’ve talked about getting someone to accept your invitation and how to turn down others’ invitations. We’ve also handled what to do when you’re just plain stuck and can’t get out of one. Now let’s address an all-too-common mistake that makes people wish they’d never invited you—and ensures they will never invite you again.