I don’t remember ever leaving a seminar feeling more dejected. It was more painful than the time I mooned the audience of attorneys.
I was giving one of several concurrent sessions at a convention. As is often customary, the convention organizers placed an easel just outside each seminar room door with the name of the program and a picture of the presenter on it.
An effervescent young woman arrived early. As she sat down, she said, “Oh, Ms. Lowndes, that is a wonderful photograph of you on the easel!” I gave her the obligatory thank-you, but it felt like a jab below the belt. I am sure she meant it as a compliment, but it implied, “The photo looks better than you do.”
Well, OK, maybe I’m being paranoid. That’s probably just her opinion.
Then another participant who came in right after her said, “It really is a great shot. When was it taken?” OUCH! That was an excruciating uppercut. I managed to get through the seminar, but I emerged from it punch drunk. I threw in the towel on that photo and got a new one.
If you open your mouth and find those cruel words “That’s a great photo of you” slipping out, rapidly rescue your listener’s ego by saying something like, “but it doesn’t do you justice.” Or maybe, “It really captures your essence.”
Whenever complimenting anyone on appearances, first run it through your EP meter. Some people feel too old, too young, too fat, too thin, too short, too tall . . . the list goes on. Compliments like, “That makes you look younger/taller/slender” could be a hit below the belt.
Just the other day, I heard a knock on my door.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“Fed-Ex” a loud voice shouted back.
Being hesitant to let him in, I checked him out through my door peephole. A young man with a lovely face was holding a package. Opening the door, I “complimented” him—or so I thought—by saying, “You don’t look so scary.”
His sweet, innocent face fell and he said sadly, “Yeah, I’m just a little guy.” I felt terrible. Never forget the “Paranoia Principle.” Keep adjusting your EP antenna so it picks up any possibility that that your comments could cut into someone’s ego. Practically everybody takes everything personally.
By the way, never preface any sentence with “Don’t take this personally.” You know they will.
Here are a few more “Don’t Says”:
• “I’m sorry, I just didn’t have time . . . (fill in: to call, to write, and so on).” Upon hearing this, the listener’s hypothalamus tells her cerebellum, “Who does he think he’s kidding? He had time to eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, socialize, and make a dozen phone calls this week. That puts me at the very bottom of his list.”
• “Have a safe flight!” Sometimes even this most innocent phrase can freak people out. People sincerely believe they are being thoughtful when they tell someone just before he boards the plane, “Have a safe flight.” However, some people have told me that this stirs a subconscious fear: “Hmm. Maybe the flight won’t be safe. I could get killed in a plane crash! Besides, what the heck can I do? Go tell the pilot!”
• “Drive safely!” She thinks: “Oh, gee, thanks for telling me. I was planning to drive dangerously.”
• “Have a safe trip home.” When you extend these good wishes, New Yorkers have fantasies of subway stabbings, park rapes, and purse robbers.
• “No problem!” He wonders: “You mean you usually do have a problem with people? And it’s so rare that you don’t that you need to announce it?”
• “Don’t trip.” He speculates: “Does she think I’m that clumsy?”
• “You look great!” She frets: “You mean I didn’t yesterday?”
Little Trick #68
Avoid Thoughtless Common Comments
Before giving someone a good wish, ponder how his paranoid mind (and who doesn’t have one?) might translate it. Whenever you give someone a compliment, think it through first. Be sensitive to the fact that it can invoke bad fantasies or a negative self-image.
People get a negative gut reaction that bypasses their consciousness. Why kick them in the gut?