Jordan pulled into her driveway and ran into her house, slamming the door behind her. She grabbed the bottle of Irish whiskey Kirsten had turned her on to and poured a full glass over ice. She needed something that would numb the pain of her heart breaking, and this was the strongest liquor she had.
You’re so fucking stupid, Jordan. Why would Kirsten be any different from Kelly? Just because she said all the right things and did all the right things? You’re a fucking idiot.
Jordan took a healthy swallow of her drink and went into the living room. She stared at the picture Brenda had taken of the two of them at the trailhead about a month ago. They looked so in love. Their smiles were wide and reached their eyes, and Kirsten’s hand covered hers as it draped over her shoulder.
Tears pooled in her eyes. Heat flushed through her body as she grabbed the framed photo and threw it across the room. Glass shattered to the floor when it hit the wall. What a fucking joke.
Jordan dropped onto the sofa—the sofa they had made love on numerous times when they’d been too turned on to make it to the bedroom—and sat motionless. She took another drink and wallowed in her pity. This was the last time she would ever make this mistake. No woman was worth losing her heart over. The only people she could depend on were Alex and her family.
Jordan thought about calling Alex, but she didn’t know what she would say. Alex had been so certain she had made the right decision in letting Kirsten into her heart. Look where that fucking got me.
She thought about calling her mom, but she didn’t know what she would say to her, either. Her mom and dad had been so happy when she’d told them about Kirsten. They’d made her promise to bring Kirsten with her next time she went to visit them. Jordan’s mom had even talked with Kirsten on the phone the few times she’d called while Kirsten had been over. But Kirsten would never be a part of her family now. She was getting back together with John, and they could start their own little fucking family. Her stomach roiled, and she ran to the bathroom, where she threw up.
A long time later, she pulled herself off the cool tile in the bathroom and returned to the couch. The remainder of her whiskey, which had blended with the now-melted ice, sat in a glass on her coffee table, causing a ring that she would probably never get out. She didn’t care about the fucking coffee table; she was too tired to care.
She wrapped her arms around her knees while she rocked back and forth. Her body felt lifeless, as did her soul. She didn’t care about anything or anyone at that moment. Her cell phone rang, and it came up as a private caller. She had half expected Kirsten’s name to come up on the screen, and was at once relieved and disappointed. Jordan let it go to voice mail. It rang again just a minute later and came up as a private caller again. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, so she turned off her phone and lay down on the couch.
She cried until she could no longer keep her eyes open. She succumbed to sleep before the sound of someone knocking on her door woke her. Her heart raced from the possibility of it being Kirsten, but she didn’t want to see her. She never wanted to see her again. She ignored it and closed her eyes again. She just wanted to be left alone and go back to sleep. She didn’t know how long she had been out, but the darkness outside indicated it had been at least a couple of hours.
The knocking on her front door became pounding, and a woman screamed her name. It wasn’t Kirsten’s voice. Jordan walked to the door, annoyed at the interruption. She couldn’t even have a night alone to wallow in her pity.
“Hang on, I’m coming.” She flung open the door and was surprised to see Brenda standing there looking pissed and scared.
“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been calling you, and it goes straight to voice mail.”
“Go away, Brenda. I don’t feel like talking to you tonight.” Jordan turned and shut the door, but Brenda pushed it open. “Get the fuck out of here.”
“I’m not going anywhere until I find out what’s going on.”
“It’s none of your business. If you want to know, then go ask your best friend.”
“My best friend is in the hospital, and she’s desperate to see you.”
“What do you mean she’s in the hospital? What happened?”
“She was in a car accident. Some guy in a truck ran a red light and T-boned her.”
Jordan ran her fingers through her hair and blew out a breath. She thought she might get sick again, but she swallowed the bile that was quickly rising in her throat. “Is she going to be all right?”
“I think so, but I’m not sure. The hospital tried calling you, and when they couldn’t reach you, they called me. When I got to Kirsten in the emergency room, she was a little disoriented, but she told me what happened. She made me promise to come over and get you. She needs you, Jordan.”
“If she told you what happened, then you know she’s getting back together with John. He’s the one you need to be talking to right now, not me.” Why the hell did Brenda think she had the right to come over and yell at her? She wasn’t the one who’d been kissing someone else.
Brenda stood. Her face was red, and she pointed a finger at Jordan. “Listen to me, asshole. Nothing is happening between Kirsten and John, and they certainly aren’t getting back together. John surprised Kirsten by showing up unannounced, but she told me he came to apologize for being a dick and that he wouldn’t contest the divorce. What she’s assuming you saw was John giving her a good-bye kiss. Kirsten loves you and only wants to be with you. Pull your head out of your ass, you jerk. She got into that accident because she was chasing you. You ran away without giving her a chance to explain. Now she’s lying on a gurney in the emergency room frightened out of her mind, not of her possible injuries but of you walking out of her life.”
Jordan stared down at her hands, which were now folded in her lap, and there was a distinct heaviness in her stomach. “I had no idea.”
Brenda sat back down next to her, her demeanor somewhat softened. “You should have trusted her enough to stay and hear her out rather than jumping to conclusions. Now, are you going to see her, or am I going to show up alone and break her heart?” Brenda poked her chest. “And let me make this clear, Jordan; if I go back alone, once Kirsten is better, I’m coming over here to kick your ass.”
Jordan poured another drink, then just as quickly, she threw it down the drain. She needed to think, and she couldn’t do that drunk. She paced the floor like a caged animal ready to attack. She’d seen Kirsten kissing John with her own eyes just as she’d seen Kelly fucking someone else all those years ago. I’m supposed to believe Brenda, Kirsten’s best friend? I know what I saw. Kirsten gave up on us. I thought we were soul mates. Why would she lie to me?
Jordan remembered the words Kirsten had spoken about how she felt more for her than she’d ever felt for another person, that Jordan was her Anam Cara. But it wasn’t the words Kirsten had spoken, it was the actions she had displayed—just a simple touch or caress, the way Kirsten held her close, the way she’d cared for her when she’d been hurt, how easily she’d comforted Jordan when she’d been most frightened. Kirsten made her feel free, safe, and loved. Words were easy to say, but the expression on her face when Kirsten would look into her eyes…that she couldn’t fake.
Jordan was still pacing when Brenda walked into the kitchen. She watched warily as Brenda reached into her pocket and pulled out a black velvet bag. “Kirsten gave this to me to hold while she was in the hospital. She told me it was her anniversary gift to you and didn’t want to lose it.” Brenda handed her the bag and went back to the living room.
She opened the bag with shaking fingers and dumped its contents into her hand. It was a silver necklace that ran through a pewter coin pendant. The words “Anam Cara” were engraved in black on the front. Jordan’s eyes filled with tears as she turned over the coin to see the inscription. She wiped her eyes and read, “To Jordan, my soul mate. Love, Kirsten.”
One of the many reasons Jordan loved Kirsten was her compassion. Could it be that what she had seen had really been a good-bye kiss? It would make sense that Kirsten would do that. She had told Jordan that John was special but that she just didn’t love him the way he deserved.
Jordan had believed she had to forgive Kelly in order to give her heart fully to Kirsten, and she’d thought she had, but tonight proved differently. It had been so easy for her to fall back into a distrusting state of mind, and once again, she’d punished Kirsten for something Kelly had done. Kirsten deserved better than that. Jordan owed it to them both to hear Kirsten’s explanation. She didn’t know if Kirsten would forgive her for running away without giving her a chance. Because of her, Kirsten was lying in the emergency room…alone. But Jordan knew that she had to go to Kirsten, to see her, to try to win her back.
She returned with her wallet and keys and stood by the door. “Will you take me?” She began to cry silently, and Brenda hugged her.
“She’ll be okay, Jordan. You both will. Just know you matter more to her than life, and she would never hurt you.”
Jordan just nodded, not trusting herself to speak, and hung on to Brenda like she was a lifeline.