King Conkers

 

 

At the end of the school road, there’s a big conker tree. In school today, the boys are full of it.

“Miss, the conkers are out!”

“Miss, can we go get conkers?”

“Miss, it’s educational, miss!”

At my old school, conkers weren’t educational. They were Violent and Competitive and If You Can’t Play Nicely, You Can’t Play At All. Here, though, Miss Shelley takes us down the road at break time and we pick as many as we can. Josh and Matthew get loads, whole conker-battalions full. Alexander gets three – the biggest he can find.

In class we learn about conkers. Their long name is horse chestnuts, but you don’t roast them on a fire. They’re seeds. There’s a little spark of life inside each one, sleeping until spring. The ones that land in the right place, when spring comes, a little shoot pops out of the top of them. And then the shoot grows and grows until it’s turned into a whole new conker tree.

Or that’s what Miss Shelley says, at least.

 

None of the boys care about shoots and trees. At lunch, they all rush to the Art Table and start fighting over who gets to use the screwdrivers and drills. The poor conkers get hung on bits of art string and taken outside to get bashed.

Alexander’s gets bashed by Matthew.

Matthew’s gets bashed by Josh.

So does Sascha’s, which is kind of unfair because Sascha’s only six. But Mrs Angus says Josh has to let her play, so really it’s her fault.

Josh’s conker is a three-er.

Josh’s conker wins everything. It smashes Alexander’s second conker and two more of Matthew’s. Now it’s a six-er.

Josh roams around the playground, looking for more things to bash.

“You got a conker?” he says to me. I shake my head. My conkers are undrilled, safe in my pocket.

“You got one?” he says to Hannah. Hannah’s on the bench at the edge of the playground. She’s listening to Dad’s iPod like she doesn’t care what anyone else is doing. She pulls the earplugs out of her ears and makes Josh ask over again.

“Conker,” says Josh. “You got one?”

“Conkers are for kids,” says Hannah. Josh goes red.

“You drilled yours,” he says. “I saw you.”

Hannah stands up. She’s taller than Josh in her platform shoes.

“Go on then,” she says.

Josh had first whack on all the others, but Hannah doesn’t give him a chance. She’s got her conker pulled back ready to fight. Josh opens his mouth, then shuts it again.

Hannah narrows her eyes. She pulls back the conker string and lets fly. Josh’s conker swings back, but it’s all right.

It’s Josh’s go now. He screws up his face and pulls back his string. Whack! But Hannah’s conker is all right too.

Hannah’s getting into it now. This time, when she whacks Josh’s conker, a bit flies off the edge. She gets another go. A whole chunk of Josh’s conker breaks off. It falls off the thread. Hannah’s won.

“There,” she says.

Josh’s face is bright red. He looks like Sascha did when he broke her conker, just before she started to cry.

“Cheat,” he says. “You cheated. You must have done!”

Over by the school door, Oliver is ringing the bell. Dingdong, dingdong, dingdong.

“Line up, everyone!” calls Mrs Angus.

“Cheat!” says Josh.

Hannah gives him this look. She doesn’t bother to reply. She just picks up the iPod and marches over to the line.

Josh scowls.

“Your sister’s a bloody cheat,” he says. “And you’re a moron.”

 

Alexander’s at the back of the line with his last conker. It’s the best one, a king conker, big and shiny.

“Don’t fight Hannah,” I say. “She’ll only win.”

Alexander looks at his conker fondly.

“I’m not going to fight anyone,” he says. “I’m going to plant it like Miss Shelley said. Then I’ll have a conker tree of my own.”

I look at Alexander’s conker.

“It’s got a hole drilled in it.”

“So?” says Alexander. “I’ll take out the string.”

“Will it grow with a hole in it?”

Alexander shrugs.

“Maybe it’ll grow pre-drilled conkers!”

 

When I get back to my room, I take out my conkers and line them up on my window sill. There are four. Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor. I lay my head on the sill and look at them sideways.

I could drill them up and let Hannah bash them all.

Or I could plant them and grow them into conker trees in the spring.