End

 

 

But I do see him again.

It’s my birthday in May. We go to Kielder Forest for the day. Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, Hannah, Emily, Alexander and me.

It was never going to be perfect, but it’s enough.

The world seems to know that it’s my birthday. The sky is blue from one edge to the other, with fluffy little clouds like lambs’ wool. The forest is full of birds and green leaves and dappled sunlight. My present from Auntie Meg is a new grown-up skirt with beads on it and little mirrors. It’s almost exactly the same green as the trees and it makes me feel like something magical, something not exactly human.

We spread out our picnic by a stream. Hannah lies in the grass and reads her magazine, but Emily and Alexander and I go paddling. We splash Hannah and she squeals. We splash her again and she runs down to the stream and splashes us back.

Soon, Hannah’s leaving primary school for ever. She’ll be even more grown up than she is now. It’s nice to have her join in with us for once, while we still have her.

After lunch, Grandpa and Grandma settle down under the trees and the rest of us play tag. Dad’s It. He chases us all around the grass and into the edge of the forest. We go up as close to him as we dare, teasing him, and then run away again before he can catch us.

Dad’s chasing me, but I run and he gets Emily instead. Emily gets Hannah and Hannah gets Alexander and Alexander comes after me.

I’m bubbling up with happiness. It’s my birthday and no one can catch me. I run straight into the forest, then round again to confuse Alexander. The light is dappled and mysterious and the air is full of a green, living smell, of leaves and moss and tree-bark. I can feel the earth sinking under my sandals and the breeze against my skirt. Behind me, Alexander has given up and is chasing Emily, but I carry on running.

Somewhere in front of me is movement. Feet running, or dancing. Trees rustling. I burst forward into the clearing, and suddenly I’m part of the dance.

It’s like it was in the storm, when the trees held me, but this time they are dancing. I can feel the joy shivering through them. I am lifted and spun and passed to other arms, which lift me and spin me again. Shapes move – shadowy, laughing dancers, almost human.

I’m placed down on the ground again. I land awkwardly, and almost fall. Hands reach out and take mine, strong and warm. I look up, into the eyes that I know go with the hands.

His hair is thick and brown and curly. His trousers are a greeny brown, like the trees. A wreath of leaves and yellow flowers fall over one ear. His face is laughing but his eyes are the same as they always are, deep and brown and kind.

He takes my hand and leads me to the centre of the clearing. He dances me, very slowly and carefully. Around us the trees bow and sway. The air is full of the smell of flowers and leaves. Even the sunlight seems to be dancing.

He bows to me, once, not dropping his eyes, and lets go of my hand. I know what’s going to happen, and I watch for as long as I can, but he whirls around and is gone.

I am left there breathless, green leaves in my hair, sunlight swirling around me, alone.

Behind me in the trees, Emily and Alexander and Hannah are calling. Mingled with them is Dad’s voice, deep and familiar and full of laughter.

I stand for a long moment there in the clearing, one arm still out before me.

Then I turn and run back into the game.