Harry says angrily, “No, and that’s my final word on the matter!”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Harry is standing there with his arms crossed and I know that look. He is determined and this will be a difficult few days, if not weeks, until I can convince him to come around to my way of thinking.
I try a different tack. Staring at him with defeat, I say in a small voice, “Ok.”
As I turn away, he reaches out and places his hand on my shoulder and spins me around to face him. “Is that it, ok?”
I shrug miserably. “What do you want me to say? I mean, I’ve made it pretty clear how much I want this over the last few days. Surely you can tell how much this means to me and yes, I know I’m asking too much of you and Isabel. Maybe you’re right and this is all pie in the sky but I suppose I’m a believer in fate and miracles, so it will take me a while to come to terms with your decision.”
Harry pulls me to him and says softly, “You know it’s for the best, don’t you?”
I say nothing and just squeeze my eyes tightly shut. I can’t give up now when I’m so close and if I know Harry, he’ll soon come around to my way of thinking.
As I start the usual cleaning routine, I try to push away the anxiety. What if Harry doesn’t agree — ever? I’m not sure I could deal with this after having been so close. Isabel has been amazing through it all and explained to Harry what it involves. When he dropped her home, he didn’t come home for several hours. When he did, he explained they had talked long into the night and she told him what was involved. Then he drove around to think it through, but needed more time to do his own research. Over the next few days, he looked into it and Isabel came over and we discussed it further. However, today he gave me his final decision, and it wasn’t the one I wanted to hear.
My thoughts are interrupted by a gentle tug on my jumper. “Mum, can I go and play at Jack’s?”
“What? Oh, yes, that’s nice, whatever…”
As Jamie races towards the door, I say sharply, “Wait.”
He looks around in surprise, and I grab my bag. “I’ll come with you. I could do with talking to Karen.”
I feel a little bad because, after that evening, I’ve been a little cold with her. I didn’t like her reaction to Isabel’s kind offer, and when she came around the next day, she was quite vocal in her disapproval. Subsequently, I was quite short with her and I felt bad. After all, she was just looking out for me and I should be more understanding and appreciative.
She answers the door and looks at me warily as I smile nervously. Jamie races past me and up the stairs to Jack’s room, and Karen smiles weakly. “I’m sorry, Tina.”
The relief is enormous. “No, I’m sorry Karen. I should never have got angry with you. You were just looking out for me and I apologise.”
She opens her arms and I walk into them gladly, sniffing, “I’ve missed you.”
Pulling back, she rolls her eyes. “We’re a right couple of idiots, aren’t we? Come in and I’ll put the kettle on.”
As I follow her into the kitchen, everything falls back into place. The friendship we always took for granted faced a challenge we both weren’t prepared for and I vow that whatever happens with Isabel, I will never shut Karen out again.
Turning to me, she says thoughtfully, “I’ve been thinking about your situation — you know, with Isabel.”
I feel a little apprehensive as she shakes her head. “I suppose I was so wrapped up in what happened with her and the whole Tom situation, I disregarded what she said. I mean, it was a generous offer and I don’t blame you for reaching for it gratefully. I would do the same in your shoes but I was worried.”
I nod in agreement. “I understand. I’d probably feel the same if it was you. I don’t know though, there’s something about Isabel that makes me think it will be ok. I know you had an issue with her regarding Tom but that proved wrong in the end, or so we think, anyway. Even if he did have a thing with her in the past, it’s obvious it was meaningless, to him at least. He doesn’t look at her in any way other than as an acquaintance and you have absolutely nothing to worry about.”
Karen nods. “The trouble is, there’s this part of me that doesn’t trust her. She had Tom’s watch, for god’s sake. How did she have it unless he left it there? It’s too much of a coincidence and to be honest, it’s driving me mad. I can’t bring it up again because he can’t deal with any reminders of what happened. What would you do in my situation?”
I shrug. “The same as you, I suppose. What if it was Tom, and they came clean? Would it change what you have together now? I mean, would you give up your new found happiness to punish him for straying before? It’s obvious he’s changed and a million times for the better. Sometimes I think we should just let things go and move on.”
Karen nods and pushes a mug of tea across the counter before taking the seat beside me.
“So, tell me about her offer. What’s the latest?”
Sighing, I stare into the mug as if the answer lurks there. “Harry said no.”
She shakes her head and says sadly, “I thought he might.”
“Why?”
“Because men find these things hard to deal with. He is probably worried about all the things you haven’t even considered yet?”
“Such as?”
She sighs. “Such as the emotional attachment. For example, Isabel may well be doing this to help you out, but what if she bonds with her baby and then won’t let it go? Harry would be a father to another woman’s child and it would be a mess.”
I stare at her with a hard look. “She wouldn’t be able to, we would sign a contract.”
“I’m not so sure, Tina. The law may be one thing but asking a woman to give up her child to another is a law of nature that no jury would rule against.”
I feel angry and a little alarmed at her words. “She wouldn’t.”
Karen shrugs. “She might. Also, what about Jamie? He may find this hard to understand. It’s a little weird for him, his teacher having his baby brother or sister. How do you think he will react?”
I don’t really know how to answer her, which reminds me how little I’ve thought of him in all of this. “He will love to have a sibling. I’m sure that once he’s got over the shock, he’ll love the idea.”
Karen shakes her head. “Maybe if he was younger, but Jamie is 6 going on 7. It will just be annoying for him. He won’t be able to play with the baby; they won’t grow up together and he may resent him or her.”
Her voice softens, and she reaches for my hand.
“Listen, I know how much this means to you, but maybe Harry’s right. There’s a lot to think about and although it was a kind offer, I don’t think you know enough about Isabel to fully trust her with your life like this. Give it time and if after a few months you’re still convinced it’s a good thing, then maybe look into it again.”
I smile sadly and nod, although I know there’s a huge part of me that just won’t give this up. I don’t know what it is, maybe a force of nature, a mother’s instincts, I don’t know, but I can’t get this out of my head. I have a chance of bringing another life into this world, albeit in a very different way. Surely that’s a small sacrifice in making my family complete.