Last night Harry left. He packed a few things and left without any tears or tantrums from me, anyway. Jamie cried — a lot. When Harry told him, it destroyed them both. I could tell Harry was on the edge of breaking down and I tried to be strong enough for everyone, although inside I was as destroyed as they were. Just not for the same reason.
I sat with Jamie long after Harry left and tried to answer his questions as best I could. He finally fell asleep in the early hours after having used up any tears he had left.
I sat beside him as he slept, but my tears fell for a different reason. I couldn’t cry for Harry because I know this is the best for everyone. He was right that we had grown apart and now he’s gone I feel as if a burden has lifted and I’m free. Jamie is my priority now and so, as the morning breaks, I vow to do what’s best for him.
Breakfast is a strange affair. The toast tastes like cardboard in my mouth and Jamie doesn’t even touch his cereal. Harry’s chair is painfully empty and I can see Jamie staring at it with a lost look in his eyes. My heart goes out to him because Harry is a good father. That won’t change, but Jamie won’t be thinking about that now. The clock ticks on and I say gently, “Do you want to miss school today?”
He shakes his head. “It’s ok. I just want to get out of the house, really.”
I smile sympathetically and say brightly, “Well, maybe you should get ready, then I’ll drop you in. I’ll just text Karen and see if she wants me to take Jack as well.”
Jamie scoots off to change, and I text Karen.
I pull out all the stops getting ready and make sure I put on my prettiest dress and make-up. I want Isabel to see me as a woman, not a mother, and convince her that I’m the one she wants.
The doorbell rings and I answer it, smiling as Jack pushes past me to find Jamie. Karen looks concerned as she follows me inside.
“Is everything ok?”
Shaking my head, I sigh sadly. “Not really. Harry left last night.”
“Left!”
“Yes, to be honest, it was a long time coming but Jamie’s taking it badly.”
Karen moves across and hugs me gently. “Are you ok?”
I feel the tears well up as I hear the kindness in her voice and say sadly, “I will be. Jamie is all I can think of at the moment and I just want his world to be happy again. Harry and I will sort things out but it’s still not fair on Jamie.”
Karen nods. “It’s very sad. Is there no chance of making it work?”
“No, I think that ship sailed a long time ago. It’s for the best and now I just need to make a new life without Harry by my side.”
The boys run downstairs, and I can see that Jack looks upset. Obviously, Jamie told him and I’m glad. He needs a friend right now, someone to confide in, and who better than his best friend?
I smile at Karen and say loudly, “Come on then, we don’t want to keep Miss Rawlins waiting.”
As we head to the car, I feel a prickle of excitement as I think about seeing Isabel this morning. I just know it will be ok, I can feel it in my heart.
* * *
I see her before she sees me, and my heart starts thumping. She looks so beautiful in her pretty summer dress and hair hanging loose around her shoulders. She is laughing at something one of the other mothers is saying and I feel a surge of jealousy as I see the smile they share. Then she looks up and our eyes meet and her expression changes. It becomes wary and guarded and my heart sinks.
I watch as she excuses herself and heads over and looks with concern at Jamie. “Is everything alright?”
Jamie nods sullenly, and she raises her eyes to mine with unspoken questions in them. I say softly, “May I have a word in private, Miss Rawlins?”
She looks a little uncomfortable, but Jamie’s expression must tell her it concerns him and she nods. “Yes, follow me, we have a few minutes before the bell rings.”
I bend down and straighten Jamie’s jumper and tuck in his shirt, whispering, “It will be ok, trust me. I love you.”
He nods and then runs off quickly with Jack and the tears threaten to fall as I see how brave he is being.
Isabel says gently, “Follow me, Tina.”
As we walk towards the classroom, I feel my heart fill with hope. Seeing Isabel again has just reinforced the fact that I love her and want her in my life. I’m not sure why, but she is a calm refuge in a storm. She soothes my troubles away with just one brief smile and I know that things are going to be ok.
We head inside the classroom and she closes the door and says coolly, “What’s the problem?”
I smile tremulously, wishing she would just hold me and tell me everything will be ok, and say sadly, “Harry left last night.”
I watch her carefully for her reaction and my heart lifts as I see a flicker of excitement spark in her eyes before it’s replaced with concern. “Left?”
“Yes, we’ve decided to separate, so Jamie is feeling sad and vulnerable.”
She shakes her head and says sadly, “I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s never nice where children are involved. Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye out for him and offer him someone to talk to if he needs it. You did the right thing telling me.”
I make to move towards her and she takes a step back. “Um… if that’s all, I really should let the children in.”
I stare at her in surprise. “I had hoped we could talk about what happened yesterday.”
Sighing heavily, she looks at me with a sad expression. “I’m sorry, Tina. I should never have let myself get so involved. Things went too far and I’m sorry if I made you think there was more to our relationship than friendship. It was a mistake and can never happen again. Maybe we should just keep things on a professional footing as the teacher and parent from now on.”
I stare at her in shock. “You don’t mean that.”
She looks at me with an ice-cold expression. “But I do, Tina. You see, I’m grateful that you were a friend when I needed one, but that’s all. To be honest, what we did disgusts me. I’m even finding it hard to look at you and I went home and scrubbed my skin bare just to remove any trace of you. You see, Tina, I could never love a person like you, anyway.”
I step back as if she’s slapped me. “What do mean, a person like me?”
Her eyes flash, and it’s as if she changes before my eyes as she snarls. “Look at you. Your child’s father has just left and you’re making eyes at me. Your child is suffering and yet all you can think of is dressing up and coming on to his teacher. You didn’t give a second thought to Harry and Jamie all the time you were systematically destroying their lives and you turned your back on your best friend in favour of a stranger. Women like you are mad, Tina. Mad for chasing something that will never be theirs and turning their back on something amazing. You had it all, and you took it and threw it away, and for what? For nothing, absolutely nothing, so get out and never come to my classroom again.”
I turn away blindly, trying desperately to erase the image of her staring at me with disgust. Then I move away quickly. I need to distance myself from her because this Isabel is a completely different person than the one I fell in love with. There was so much hate in her eyes and vitriol spilling from her lips like acid rain.
As I race back to my car, her words echo around my mind. She was ashamed over something I wanted to shout from the rooftops. She is disgusted over something beautiful and the hate that poured from her eyes and lips has destroyed me far more than Harry leaving. Isabel Rawlins has destroyed my life and I don’t know how on earth I’m ever going to piece it back together again?