My head is hammering and my mouth is dry. The tears dried long ago on my face and I groan as the hammering in my head reminds me what a fool I was last night.
If I could go to sleep and never wake up again, I would. I try not to think of what I did last night, but the memory taunts me. When Karen took Jamie, I did as I said I would. I had a nice warm bath and made myself feel slightly more normal. Then it struck me that it would be a bad idea to stay in on my own, so I decided to go out instead. I had a foolish notion that I would find Isabel in the wine bar around the corner from the gym, so I made myself look as pretty as I could and hopped in a cab to take me there.
As I sat there alone at the bar it became increasingly obvious. She wasn’t coming. All around me were people having a good time, except for me. I suppose I had too much to drink because when a guy sat next to me, I started to chat to him despite the fact I could see what he was after. His gaze lingered on my chest and I noticed his eyes running the length of my thigh as I crossed my legs.
Maybe it was because he was flattering me, or giving me some much-needed attention, but when he suggested I accompany him to his hotel nearby, I did.
Groaning, I pull the pillow over my head as if to block out the memory of what we did. Almost as soon as we set foot inside his hotel room, we were at it. I was just as bad as him and left any inhibitions I had firmly at home. Maybe it was the alcohol and maybe it was because I was feeling so rejected, but I behaved like an animal. Maybe it was because I wanted to prove I still liked men and wanted to see if it was men in general and not just Harry that turned me off.
Well, I found that particular answer out and went at it like a well-seasoned pro, which is just what he made me feel like. As soon as we finished, he rolled off of me and left the bed, returning with a wad of notes, which he laid beside me. He told me to call a cab and keep the change, and then he winked. He winked, and I felt so mortified I grabbed the cash and ran.
As the memory taunts me, for some reason, I start laughing uncontrollably. What is happening to me? I’m unravelling like a thread caught in a locked door. If I don’t get a grip, there will be nothing left of me to cover my shame. I am a car crash, a wreck and an accident waiting happen and in the cold light of day, I vow to get the help I need. However, first of all, I need coffee and fast.
As I wait for the kettle to boil, there’s a knock on the door and I look at the clock. 10 am. Feeling a little worried that it may be Jamie, I can’t believe that I didn’t ring Karen to check on him. I rush to the door and fling it open, feeling worried. However, it’s not Karen but Harry and he looks so angry I can almost taste it.
Pushing past me, he heads to the kitchen and I say airily, “Well, come in, why don’t you?”
He looks me up and down and I feel ashamed. My hair’s a mess and I still have the remnants of last night’s make-up on my face. I can pretty much guess that I look like a complete lush with red-rimmed eyes and puffy cheeks.
Pulling my robe a little tighter, I say angrily, “You don’t get to barge in here without phoning first. I’m not in any fit state to deal with this right now.”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “You’re right about that. Look at you, you’re a mess.”
Suddenly, I remember he shouldn’t be here and say urgently, “What is it, is it Jamie, please god no?”
He looks at me with pity. “No, it’s not our son who is safely tucked up at school where he should be. Thanks for checking though, at least you can remember you have a son.”
I shout. “How dare you? I’m a good mother, in fact, a much better mother than you are a father. I mean, what kind of father deserts his son one night and then doesn’t come around to check on him the next day? Tell me, I’d love to know.”
Harry looks as if he’s about to smash something and then appears to shake himself and says in a cold voice. “For your information, I’ve seen Jamie every day. I meet him at lunchtime and take him out for a meal. We talk about things and he knows where he can reach me if he needs to talk.”
I stare at him in surprise. “I never knew, Jamie never said.”
“I’m not surprised because from what I understand, you haven’t spent a lot of time with him since I left.”
I laugh dully. “You left less than a week ago, so we’re hardly talking months here. Anyway, why have you come here, Harry?
He smiles ruefully. “I wanted to check that you were ok. I know our split was inevitable but I’m not cold enough to walk away without checking on you.”
I stare at him and for a moment wish things could have been different for Harry and I. He’s a good man and made a fantastic partner. The trouble is, I took him for granted and gradually fell out of love with him. The excitement went when real life took over. I was always so tired and obsessing over being the perfect mother and housewife, I kind of forgot to be the woman he deserved.
Sitting down, I say sadly. “I’m sorry.”
He sits opposite and says gently. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I suppose we both changed and have to take an equal share of the blame.”
Seeing him sitting in front of me feels so familiar and safe. It makes me wonder why I can’t just be happy with what I’ve got. A lovely son and a loving partner. Why did I feel the need to put stress on our relationship by wanting a baby so badly?
Harry sighs heavily. “Look, I also came to tell you I’ve been offered a job in Milton Keynes. It’s a temporary contract for six months and I think I should take it.”
I stare at him in confusion. “But what about Jamie, how will that work?”
“It’s fine. He can come and stay on weekends and holidays. I’ll make sure to come and collect him on Friday nights and drop him back on Sundays, if he wants to, that is.”
I feel strangely annoyed and snap, “I don’t think you’ve thought this through. Jamie needs stability at the moment. What about football and his clubs and interests? You’ll be dragging him away from his friends and hobbies to sit with you in a crummy bedsit. No, I don’t think this is a good idea at all.”
Harry looks at me angrily. “Then what do you suggest, I hang around here and put my life on hold while you have some sort of mid-life crisis?”
“Midlife crisis, is that what you think this is? You think I’m mad, don’t you? Well, that’s typical and the reason why we could never work. You don’t understand me and you never have done. Well, fine, you go off and start a new life in Milton Keynes and make your poor son suffer the consequences. You’re selfish, Harry, always have been and always will be.”
Without a word, Harry stands and moves towards the door and I shout after him. “That’s it, run away. Walk away from your problems like you always do. Don’t expect me to care though because I stopped caring a long time ago.”
He slams the door on his way out, and I stare after him in disbelief. Milton Keynes. He’s deluded if he thinks that’s a good idea.
I feel so angry; I start cleaning like I always do when I want to think. This may be a terrible situation to be in, but I thought he would at least try to make it as easy on Jamie as possible.
Once I finish cleaning, I set about making myself look presentable. If Harry can move on this quickly, so can I. It’s about time I got myself a job because by the sounds of things, I’m going to need one and I know just the place to start looking. In fact, it’s the perfect solution and I’m surprised I never thought of it before.