I sit at the end of my bed, staring into the green canopy outside my cabin. I play the night’s events over and over in my mind, each time searching for new answers. Each time torturing myself with what played out. Gillam is dead and it is my fault.
In her final moments, Gillam raised her hands in a gesture I know was telling me to choose her. She sacrificed herself so that the others would be freed. A true act of selflessness, but one that I can’t help but feel the guilt of facilitating. Her eyes. Every time it plays over in my thoughts, I am drawn to her deep hazel eyes. Widened with shock as Lek cleaved through her skin with his axe. No amount of bravery or preparation could have prepared me for that. As I stood there staring into her eyes, I saw a fear as she greeted the afterlife. It is a look that will haunt me until the day I leave this world.
Night creeps in to greet me, but I can think of nothing worse than sleeping, so instead I lie on my bed, playing everything over and over in my mind until the sun begins to rise. My clothes are still sodden with the rain, their stench offensive with the fragrance of death from the dungeons. I am still caked in the mud from the journey back to the forest, and my lip throbs where Vireo struck me. My head pounds as though it is encased in its own thunderstorm, a dark cloud hovering over my mood.
I decide that I should head to the lagoon and wash my clothes. Maybe a swim in its waters will aid the headache that plagues me.
The camp is unusually quiet. A woman stands by the cauldron making today's soup for everyone, but other than that no one else is around. I look at the trees at the north of the camp and wonder how Jordell is doing. I could not bring myself to see him as he set off to return the fae folk. I wonder where he draws on his energy levels; I feel as though my own body runs on nothing more than the air I breathe. Being tired but not wanting to sleep is truly torturous.
The walk to the lagoon is but a short distance with nothing more than the rustling trees and hooting owls offering me a brief semblance of company. The ground is sodden, making the terrain difficult, and droplets of water balance intricately on the surfaces of the leaves. Branches soak me once again as I push through them, my mind clouded as I trace over Gillam’s final moments once more.
By the time I reach the lagoon, I breathe a sigh of relief and find myself entranced by the water that cascades down the waterfall. The distraction brings a welcome reprieve from my tortured thoughts. The water glows its turquoise blue, the fish glowing brightly as if they are stars themselves. Letting out a sigh, I remove my dirtied clothes and place them by the water’s edge before jumping in. The water is refreshingly crisp, not as warm as the last time I entered them but exactly what I need. The slight chill sharpens my breath but centres me in this moment. I feel the thickened ice encased around my mind begin to thaw as I submerge myself under the water. I remain there, appreciating the muffled sounds that surround me, the water crashing from the fall above sending out a constant pulsation of soothing water.
I rise to the surface and flick my hair back, rubbing the dirt from my face. The throbbing feeling in my lip dampens as I bathe. I know not if this is from the healing properties of the water or merely that I feel slightly more relaxed.
I then swim back to the shallower part of the water and start the process of submerging my clothes and cleaning them. If the stench of the dungeon does not wash away, then the only thing these clothes will be good for is fuel for the fire in camp.
After I finish washing them, I place them on the bank and decide to have a swim in the lagoon. A soft haze sits on the surface of the water, and I dive under, swimming until I surface at the foot of the waterfall where I let the waters crash into my aching muscles. When I look out over the lagoon, I notice someone standing by my clothes.
Yaelor.
I make my way to her as she takes a seat at the edge of the pool and lets her feet sit in the water.
“I can’t rest,” she says.
“Neither can I.”
The crescent shape of the moon glows brightly behind her.
“How’s your arm?” I ask, drawing attention to her bandages.
“It is nothing that a few stitches could not heal. One of many scars that I now carry.” Her eyes sit low. “I know that conflict arose between us, but I am still saddened by Gillam’s death. She died a warrior’s death. One that the Barbaraqs would be proud of.”
“I keep searching the trees, expecting her to walk through at any moment, but that is a fool’s wish. She is gone. It is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.” A pang of pain crawls over me, not one brought by a physical ailment but one that sits heavy on my chest, making it hard to breath. It is suffocating.
“Jordell was right in what he said. You were given an impossible choice. My struggle is understanding why you chose me and not her.” Yaelor is pained by her words, her hardened exterior fractured.
“Gillam helped me. She told me, in her way, to choose her. She wanted me to choose her.”
“She did not speak any words in her final moments.”
“It was a gesture, a symbol she made with her hands. One that she told me grounds her. I knew in that moment what she asked of me.”
“Thank you,” she says, and a tear runs down her face, dripping into the lagoon.
“I do not deserve your thanks,” I say, and this is a true belief that I hold.
“That is twice now that you have saved me from the brink of death.” Yaelor removes her feet from the waters and stands above me. The crisp air sits upon her skin as though she glows as brightly as the moon above. She reaches for the back of her top and undoes the clasp, letting it fall to the ground before lowering her pants. Something feels different. She looks deeply into my eyes as she removes her clothing, and my chest starts to pound against my ribs. I am transfixed, my own eyes not shifting from her gaze, not even tempted to look at her naked form. She steps forward, lowering herself into the water. The coldness seems to catch her breath as she moves towards where I stand in the water.
I don’t know what to think or do. I think I know what is about to happen but given how I have reacted previously, I cannot be sure.
Stop overthinking! I scold myself and I allow myself to be consumed in the moment. A deep longing courses through me, a pressure from the top of my head all the way down to my groin. It is as though sparks of lightning fork through my veins as my senses are heightened. The rippled water reaches me, tickling my chest.
Yaelor stops in front of me, our breath searching for one another. We are surrounded by a thickening mist as though the temperature in the water is raised by our presence. Yaelor raises her hand and delicately brushes her fingers across the top of my scarred shoulder, my body shuddering at the gentle touch as she lowers her hand down to my abdomen. It is as though she wields sparks, my skin tingling far beyond where she touches, and I groan slightly. Yaelor raises her head and looks me deep within my eyes again, and I cannot restrain myself any further. I lower my face to hers and greet her lips with my own, her mouth warm and comforting.
She raises herself in the water and wraps her legs around me. I grab hold of her with both my hands and hold her in place as we passionately kiss one another. She pulls away from me and charms me with a smile. This is a moment I wish we could stay in for eternity. Then she lowers herself down onto me and we groan together in delight. We start rocking back and forth in the water, gentle and slow, gathering pace.
Yaelor presses her body as close to mine as she can, and I feel her heart beat wildly against my chest. Water ripples around us as we steal each other’s breath, my head feeling as though it will explode at any moment, awash with sensations I have never experienced before. Our bodies intertwined, I use my arms to raise and lower her, each time a louder groan escaping her lips. This only serves to invigorate me as we speed up, the rocking motion causing waves around us. Yaelor presses her head into my neck and I feel her teeth bite down onto my shoulder as I squeeze her hips tightly. She tightens her hips and draws me in even closer to her, something I didn’t think was possible, and with a groan we both release at the same time. My chest thunders as we race to catch our breath. Yaelor lightly presses her forehead against mine, and I hold her steady in this moment.
Just for a little while, I forget the nightmare that the day has brought.