Louie had a temperature. The thought drummed in Yamuna’s mind, over and over like a backing track. Louie has a temperature. Louie has a temperature. It nagged while she pipetted samples out of the fraction collector; while she put took readings from the spectrophotometer; while she checked her emails. Finally, when she’d read the same email three times and still failed to retain it, she gave in and phoned home.
She had instructed Soma to answer the phone, just on that day, in case it was her. She tapped her finger on the desk, waiting for Soma to pick up. The phone rang and rang and went to answerphone. Yamuna scowled. Why didn’t the girl answer? She tried again. This time, Soma answered with a timid ‘Hello?’
Yamuna didn’t bother introducing herself. ‘How is he?’ she said, in English. Then, remembering, she asked again in Sinhalese.
‘He’s sleeping, Madam,’ the girl said. ‘I gave him some medicine as you said and now he’s sleeping.’
‘What’s his temperature?’
There was a pause. ‘It’s lower.’
‘How much lower? What number?’ She had checked that Soma knew how to use the forehead thermometer before she left.
‘I haven’t had a chance to get the thermometer, but he feels cooler.’
Feels cooler? She had left instructions for his temperature to be recorded. Soma was supposed to call her if it got any higher.
As though reading her thoughts, Soma said, ‘He’s been asleep on my lap. I didn’t want to disturb him. His temperature hasn’t gone up…’
Excuses. She didn’t need to hear excuses. Still, the girl was looking after her son. She needed to keep her on side. Yamuna took a deep breath. ‘Okay. When he wakes up, can you please check his temperature? I’ll call back in an hour or so. ‘
‘Yes, Madam.’
‘When he wakes up, make sure he drinks some water.’
‘Yes Madam.’
After she’d hung up, Yamuna stared at the phone. It should be her, at home with Louie. Not the nanny. She wondered where this emotion squeezing her insides came from. Was it guilt? It must be. And worry. If anything happened to Louie… she would never forgive herself. It was her job, as his mother, to love him and cherish him over everything else. The fact that she felt nothing towards him… that was not a good thing, but it was largely irrelevant. She was expected to look after him. It was her duty.
She rubbed her eyes. She had tried. Really, she had, but when she thought about Louie, all she could think of was what a responsibility he was. She went about the daily business of looking after him, just as she would have done for any creature that depended on her, and waited for her endocrine system to realise she had become a mother. When weeks passed and that didn’t happen, she’d wondered if there was something amiss with Louie. He was so grumpy and cried so much. But the doctors told her that her son was perfectly healthy. And then Soma had turned up and he was as good as gold for her. So the problem wasn’t him. It had to be her.
With Soma’s arrival, Yamuna had swapped nights disturbed by Louie’s every movement for nights where she stared into the darkness, wondering what was wrong with her. How had her body produced this baby when there was such a huge part of her maternal make-up missing? How was it possible to be ambivalent towards her son?
She walked back into the lab, still thinking.
‘Louie alright?’ said her colleague, Jenny.
Yamuna shook her head. ‘Still got a temperature.’
Jenny looked around. ‘Do you need to go home? I can cover for you…’
Did she want to go home? She supposed she should. But that meant leaving work early. She would have to take it as annual leave. She could do that.
‘You won’t be able to concentrate here anyway,’ Jenny continued. ‘I remember when my two were ill, I was useless. Couldn’t stop worrying about them.’ She smiled. ‘Go home Yamuna. When they’re ill, all they want is their mummy.’
Not Louie. He would want Soma, not her. But Jenny had a point. She wasn’t concentrating. Besides, going home would be what a good mother did. She wasn’t a good mother, but she wasn’t about to let other people know that. ‘You’re right. I will go home.’
‘What do you need me to do for you? Anything?’
She quickly ran through what she was doing. She dealt with what could be put on ice and gave Jenny a short list of instructions for the rest. Within an hour, she was on her way out. Pretty convincing, she thought as she headed out of the building. Anyone would think she was a proper mother.
Soma sat on a cushion on the floor, with a pillow resting on her shins. Little Louie lay on her legs, head on the pillow, legs falling limp either side of her knees. She rocked her legs gently whenever he stirred, keeping him asleep. Poor baby. She reached forward and put a hand against his forehead. Still warm, but not as hot as before. She checked the bowl of water she had next to her. It was too cold to sponge his hands and feet down with now. She would need to move him to go and get some warm water. Carefully, she leaned forward and eased the pillow and baby off her legs onto the floor. Louie whimpered, but didn’t wake. Soma quietly eased away, crawling along the floor a few yards before standing up.
She looked back at the sleeping baby. He seemed so lifeless, arms limp, knees flopped apart, but there was something about the way he was breathing that was better than before. This was proper sleep, not the fever-induced slumber she’d seen earlier. He was on the mend.
Soma tiptoed out and headed downstairs. Pausing to look at the clock, she noticed it was nearly the time when she and Louie went to the park. Sahan would be waiting for them. Except, Louie wasn’t in a fit state to go anywhere. She couldn’t take him out when he was so ill. Would Sahan wait for long? What if he thought she’d decided not to meet him? Soma sighed. If only there was a way for her to get in touch with him. She didn’t have a phone of her own and she didn’t dare make any calls on Madam’s phone. If Madam found out about her and Sahan, there would be hell to pay. Sahan would be fine, but she would be sent home. That could not happen.
They had never spoken about the risk of Madam finding out, but it seemed they were both aware of how important it was to keep their friendship secret. Sahan had recently suggested that it would be good to be able to get in touch if he needed to tell her he couldn’t come to the park. He’d suggested a code where he would call, let it ring three times, then hang up and dial again. This would tell Soma it was him. She could pick up the second time he called. It was a sensible plan, but they’d not had to use it yet. He might use it today, when he got tired of waiting.
If she was upstairs with Louie, she wouldn’t get to the phone in time. She knew that because it had taken her ages to get down when Madam called earlier. By the time she’d dislodged Louie and got downstairs, the phone had stopped ringing. Thankfully, Madam called back. By the time she’d spoken to her and got back upstairs, Louie had been keening.
She took the cordless handset out of its cradle. May as well take it upstairs. Even if Sahan didn’t phone, Madam might call again and it would be good to answer it without upsetting Louie too much.
She grabbed herself a banana and a glass of water and headed back upstairs to get a bowl of warm water. She knew from sitting with cousins that sponging down a child’s hands, feet and forehead was a good way to get a fever down. It wasn’t a problem in Sri Lanka, but here, the water was so cold, it was bound to wake him up if she tried it without making sure it was warm. She ran the tap for a while, dipping the inside of her wrist into the stream to test the heat. When it was finally warm enough, she collected some water into the bowl. Downstairs the front door thudded shut.
She was almost at Louie’s room when Madam arrived at the top of the stairs. Madam glanced at the things she was clutching and frowned.
‘I was going to wipe baby’s forehead and hands down again,’ Soma explained.
The frown cleared from Madam’s face. A slight nod. ‘That’s a good idea,’ she said. She followed Soma into the room. Soma headed for the little nest of pillows she’d made for herself and Louie on the floor and put down the things she was carrying next to it.
‘Why is my son on the floor?’ Madam demanded in a harsh whisper.
Soma looked down. Louie lay on the floor next to the cot. His top half was on the pillow and his bottom half on the carpet. Why did Madam sound annoyed? It wasn’t like he was on a dusty floor. ‘I rocked him to sleep on my legs,’ she explained. ‘He was asleep and I didn’t want to move him too much.’
Madam knelt next to Louie and picked up the temperature strip that she’d shown to Soma that morning. She pressed it firmly to Louie’s forehead. As if by magic the strip lit up a number, telling his temperature. Madam said ‘Hmm.’ Louie stirred and let out a thin wail. His eyes flew open, wide and unfocused.
Without thinking, Soma leaned forward and laid a hand on his tummy. ‘Shh. Baba,’ she said. Louie whimpered again and closed his eyes.
When Soma looked up from Louie, her gaze briefly connected with her employer’s and she caught a look of intense dislike. Madam looked away so fast that Soma wasn’t sure if she’d imagined it. Why would Madam dislike her? She did everything she was told. And she looked after Louie well, didn’t she? He seemed happy. What possible reason could there be for Madam to not like her?
Could it be that Madam suspected something about Sahan? The thought made her catch her breath.
Madam went over to the other side of the room and looked through the notes that Soma had made through the day. She wrote something in the notebook, probably the latest temperature. The woman was obsessed with note-taking. It was almost as though she didn’t believe in things unless they were written down. Perhaps she would take more notice of Louie himself when he learned to write. They could leave each other little notes.
Madam looked up from the book. ‘He seems to be improving,’ she said.
‘He’s sleeping a bit better now,’ Soma volunteered. ‘He was really floppy before. Like he was unconscious.’
Madam spun round. ‘Why didn’t you call me?’
Soma looked from the baby to his mother, confused. Madam had known the baby was ill. What good did it do to call her to say he was still ill? He wasn’t worse. And now he was better. For a second she wondered if Madam perhaps loved the boy more than she let on? Perhaps she was worried? But then, she could have rung earlier.
Madam looked like she was about to say something else, but was interrupted by the phone ringing. Soma stared at it. Madam was here. So there was only one other person who would phone at this time. Sahan would have been waiting for her in the park for about twenty minutes now. It had to be him.
Another ring.
She couldn’t speak to him with Madam here. If Madam picked up… would he have the presence of mind to pretend he’d dialled here by mistake?
A third ring. Louie cried.
Madam strode over to the phone. It stopped ringing. Soma picked up Louie and rocked him, using him to shield her face. It was Sahan. That was the signal. He would call back again and Madam would answer it. This was awful. Soma turned away, gently rocking Louie against her. She didn’t want to be sent back. She liked it here. She loved Louie. And Sahan. She would never see Sahan again. Tears pressed on her eyes. She blinked them back and laid her cheek against Louie’s hot little head.
‘Strange,’ said Madam. ‘I wonder who—’ The phone rang in her hand and she answered it. ‘Hello.’
Soma risked a glance over her shoulder and saw that Madam was watching her through narrowed eyes. Oh no. She suspected.
‘Hello? Hello?’ Madam took the phone away from her ear and clicked it off. ‘Very strange,’ she said. ‘They hung up.’ She looked back at Soma. ‘Does this often happen? Are there phone calls during the day that get cut off?’
‘No Madam.’
‘Hmm. Well, if it happens again, note down the time. I’ll keep a record and see if I can find out who’s making the calls.’
‘Yes Madam.’
Madam stared at her for a few seconds longer, then sighed and rubbed a hand over her eyes. ‘When baby settles, put him back in the cot, please. I don’t like him being on the floor.’ With that, she left the room.
Soma rocked Louie and hummed to him gently until he fell asleep again. Madam definitely suspected something. It would be another day or two before Louie was fit to go out, and then it was the weekend. She really hoped Sahan didn’t give up on her in the meantime.
Sahan was sitting on the floor of his bedroom, documents and textbooks strewn in a semicircle around him. Soma had failed to show up again, but he knew from when he’d called Yamuna on the pretext of ‘catching up’ that Louie was unwell. It was the first time that Soma’s job had got in the way of her meeting him. It brought home to him the fact that she had a job. She was only there, wheeling his nephew around, because she was employed by his cousin. Not because she was a friend or family. Suddenly the gulf between their situations seemed wider than ever.
He looked at the neat pile of letters and brochures that lay at the far end of the room. He was applying for jobs in earnest, not many of which were local. Soma was interested and supportive. He wondered how she felt about the fact that he might be leaving soon. Perhaps she didn’t mind. What bothered him was how much he cared. He had spent weeks convincing himself that his interest in Soma was entirely platonic. He was homesick and wanted to hear someone say his name properly. He was teaching her to read. When his course came to an end, he would leave and forget about her. Who was he trying to kid? He could never forget her.
His thoughts were interrupted by someone rapping a rhythm on the door. There was only one person who knocked like that.
‘Come on in, Nate.’ He put the textbook down on his lap.
Nate wasn’t alone. Cara followed him into the room. ‘Bex told us what happened. What the fuck, Sahan? I thought you liked her.’
Ah. He had been expecting this conversation to happen a lot earlier. Perhaps Bex had kept it quiet for a while. ‘Is she really upset?’
‘Well, she’s understandably a little annoyed.’ Cara stood in the doorway, with her hands on her hips. ‘No one likes to be rejected.’ Nate put a hand on her arm and led her across to the bed, where they both sat down. ‘Sahan, mate. We talked about this. You said you were ready to move on.’
‘But I have exams and—’
‘Don’t give me that crap.’ Cara leaned forward. ‘We all know what this is about. It’s been two years, Sahan. What Tamsin did was wrong, but it’s not going to happen again.’ She gave him a look full of sympathy. ‘You can’t carry on like this, Sahan. You can’t let her have this hold over you.’
He didn’t bother looking up. Since he’d met Soma, he thought of Tamsin less and less often. Why did Cara have to mention her now? Even the sound of her name made him feel sick.
Cara threw her hands up. ‘It’s not like anyone even knows about what happened. And even if they did, no one would care.’
Saliva rushed inside his cheek and he felt hot, but he didn’t feel as nauseous as he normally did. Sahan swallowed. ‘I know. I care.’ He sighed. ‘You must think I’m a huge drama queen.’
There was a pause. Cara sighed too and rubbed her eyes. ‘No. No, you’re not,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry.’
Nate slid down to sit on the floor beside him. ‘Everyone’s different. You were brought up with your dad’s weird Victorian values and you’ve never been alone with a girl before. I’m not surprised it scared the crap out of you when she grabbed you.’
Sahan shuddered and crossed his legs. ‘Yes, but compared to some of—’
‘You can’t compare trauma. What happened to you is a big deal to you,’ said Cara.
‘I thought you were past this, though. What’s happened to make you think about it again?’ Nate peered at him. ‘Are you okay? You haven’t been yourself lately. You’ve been disappearing off at random times in the afternoon. When you’re here you’re away with the fairies. What’s going on?’
Sahan studied Nate. They had been friends since freshers’ week. Cara had come on scene a couple of weeks later and now Nate and Cara were a unit. He trusted them like he trusted the members of his own family. He thought about how little he revealed to his parents nowadays. Okay, he trusted them more than his own family. When the Tamsin debacle happened it was Cara who helped him work out that independence meant testing the values his parents had given him and not adhering to them slavishly; it was Nate who had helped him come up with a plan to get him back on an even keel.
Keeping Soma a secret was difficult. He wasn’t made for deception. Could he share his secret with them? Would sharing it make it more real?
‘Sahan? Is it the stress of exams? I know it takes different people in different ways. Do you want me to find out about counselling? I know you didn’t want to before, but if it’s affecting your studies…?’
Cara’s concern touched him.
‘I have been moving on,’ he said. ‘Sort of.’
Cara and Nate exchanged worried glances.
Yes, Sahan decided, he could tell them. He could guess Nate’s response. It made him smile. ‘I think … I think I’ve met someone.’
Nate’s face was a picture. ‘Really? Wow.’ He leaned forward and slapped Sahan on the back. ‘You kept that quiet, you dark horse.’
Cara joined them on the floor. ‘That’s brilliant. Who is she? Where did you meet her?’
The last traces of Tamsin-induced discomfort vanished. His smile widened. ‘She’s called Soma. She’s… amazing.’ Even talking about her made him fizz inside. Nothing he’d felt before came even close to this.
‘That’s awesome,’ said Nate. ‘Totally amazing. So, when do we get to meet this wonder girl? Why don’t you guys come out with us on Friday?’
‘Um… I don’t think that would be possible. I could see if she can come meet you lot around lunchtime on a Saturday.’ Yamuna would expect Soma to be home of an evening. He knew his cousin. She wouldn’t let a young girl living in her house go out at night without knowing who she was going with. And he wasn’t ready to tell her about Soma yet.
‘It’d be better to meet for drinks. It’s less pressure that way,’ said Cara.
‘No she… er… works on Friday nights. Most nights, in fact.’
‘Oh yeah? What does she do?’ said Nate.
Sahan didn’t answer. Now that he had let his secret out of its cocoon, he was starting to see the flaws in it. Like a precious painting held under glass for years that he’d suddenly noticed was disintegrating at the edges. ‘She uh… she looks after someone’s baby.’
Nate’s laughter buffeted around the room. ‘Classic! You’ve fallen for an au pair.’
Au pair was a fancy word and conjured up images of European girls with bright eyes and lip gloss. Soma was nothing like that. Back home she wouldn’t have been called an au pair or a nanny. She would have been called a servant. An ayah, closer to the family than most, but still a servant. Sahan stared at the book on his lap, not really seeing it. Now that he’d articulated it, it was clear that there could be no future for him with Soma. There were strata upon strata between her social situation and his.
His parents would disown him. His heart constricted at the thought. Was she worth that? Surely, nothing was worth that. Nothing and… no one.
‘Dude, what’s the matter? Was it something I said?’
He looked up. ‘No. It’s… as you say, it’s a classic cliché. My parents would never approve.’
Nate’s smile faded. ‘So?’
Cara said, ‘Is that why you said you think you’ve met someone? Are you not sure how you feel? Or are you just worried about what your family will think?’
‘I can’t do that to them.’
Nate settled down cross-legged on the floor, getting into full mentor mode. ‘First of all, from what I’ve seen, you guys are a tight family. Your parents will get over it, they love you. They can’t stay angry forever.’
‘They’ll be so disappointed in me. It’s not what they’d planned… they’ll be so… hurt.’
‘But they will still love you. Right?’ Cara said.
If the press found out about Sahan and a servant girl, his father would be a laughing stock. His father would never forgive him. And worse, his parents would think that he didn’t care about it. They would think he didn’t love them. He couldn’t do that to them. He just couldn’t. He didn’t respond to Cara’s question.
‘Right?’ Nate prompted.
‘Yes. But things won’t be the same.’
‘Well that’s always going to be the case, isn’t it? You’re not going to stay the same guy all your life. They’ll have to adapt.’ He put a hand on Sahan’s shoulder. ‘We talked about this. Their value systems are based on where they are. You live in a different country now. You’re bound to see the world differently.’ He waved a hand. ‘Take your restaurant job. You were so sure that taking it would mean that people saw you as some sort of failure. No one has. In fact, no one gives a shit.’
Sahan shrugged. ‘I suppose so.’ He hadn’t mentioned his job to his parents.
Satisfied, Nate carried on with his argument. ‘Second of all, it’s probably not as serious as you think. I know you’re new to this dating stuff… so you’ll have to trust me on this. First love is… really powerful. But it’s often short-lived. You might think you’ve found The One, but really, not many people meet the right person right from the get-go. So maybe you should chill out about things a bit.’
‘Or,’ said Cara. ‘This might actually the The One. In which case you don’t want to let her slip through your fingers.’
Sahan put his head in his hands. ‘Guys, this isn’t helping.’
Nate said, ‘You’re overthinking this. You overthink everything. Relax. Go with the flow. You’re leaving this place to get a job soon enough anyway. Your parents need never know.’
Sahan wondered again how he could be such good friends with someone when there was this huge gulf of understanding between them. Nate’s parents respected his right to choose his own path. Cara’s parents didn’t care what she did, so long as she was happy. Sahan’s choices were limited to the paths his parents deemed acceptable. How could he expect them to understand?
Still, he had been rude to Bex and she was Cara’s friend. Even if Cara didn’t fully understand him, he knew enough about her to know that she was fiercely protective of her friends, himself included. He lifted his head. ‘I’m sorry I upset Bex,’ he said to Cara.
Cara made a rueful face. ‘I should have warned her off. She can come on a bit strong, can Bex.’ Her hand twitched, as though she was going to pat his arm, but she caught herself in time and lowered it. ‘I genuinely thought you were ready to move on, Sahan. I didn’t realise that you already had.’ She smiled. ‘This girl you’re seeing. Does she make you happy?’
‘She does.’
‘Then, enjoy it. See where it takes you.’
He stared at her earnest face for a second. She genuinely wanted him to be happy. He smiled and nodded.
Cara grinned back.
‘So,’ Sahan said. ‘Did you guys just come here to talk about my love life? Or did you want something else?’
‘Nah. Just wanted to interfere with your life,’ said Nate. ‘Thought you might appreciate the distraction.’
Sahan laughed. ‘I should really get back to studying.’
Nate rolled his eyes. ‘We know when we’re not wanted. Come on, Cara. Let’s go see if we’ve got any Pringles left.’
Once they’d left, Sahan tried to concentrate on his books. Although it was a relief to talk to Nate and Cara about it, they hadn’t really helped him gain any clarity. Were his feelings for Soma born of homesickness and the fact that she was completely unlike Tamsin? Or was this the real thing? How could he tell?
He would get into serious trouble if his parents found out. She was completely unsuitable for him. If this was a passing infatuation, really, he should get out of this relationship, before he got in any deeper. But the thought of not seeing her again was painful. Just a few days of not seeing her was hard enough. This didn’t feel like a passing romance. It felt very real indeed.
He groaned and leaned back against his bed. Why was nothing ever simple?