Yamuna found a seat and pulled Louie’s pushchair to rest next to her. In front of them a complicated musical fountain played an erratic tune. Louie stared at it, utterly fascinated. It was two weeks after Soma and Sahan’s revelations and the Gamages were on a family day out, just the three of them. They were in the Eureka children’s museum. So far, most of the things they’d seen had been aimed at older children than Louie, but this interplay of water, light and sound seemed to have captivated her son. She leaned forward to watch his face as his eyes moved from one spot to another. Every so often a bell would strike and Louie’s whole body responded, applauding happily.
She still felt weighed down by the responsibility of looking after him. But knowing that the depth of feeling was there, somewhere deep inside, ready to come out if she needed it, made her feel less trapped. She wasn’t broken, she was ill. Eventually, she would get better. In the meantime, she would continue to do her best with him.
Bim, who had been reading the description board, came and sat beside her. He too looked at Louie and smiled. When he looked up, he raised his eyebrows at Yamuna and smiled as though to say, ‘our son. I’m so proud.’
Yamuna returned his smile. She settled back to watch the fountain herself. It wasn’t that Bim had suddenly developed a romantic streak overnight, but something between them had changed. It was as though a wall of formality that had kept them apart was dissolving. They had always respected each other and had been courteous and solicitous of each other’s needs. There was even a sort of friendship, maybe. But genuine affection? That was another thing that she’d assumed would arrive automatically. When her mother had said ‘you’ll learn to love him’, she’d believed her. How naïve. They hardly knew each other. All they’d had in common was the right sort of social and cultural background and a desire to marry someone.
Even after Louie was born, they had shared a mutual understanding – a shared interest in the boy… like they were business partners.
But now, she felt something unwinding. A dormant desire to be with Bim. To get to know him. To make him happy. After a few moments, Bim moved slowly and, as though asking permission, put his arm around her. She looked up at him, surprised, but not displeased. His expression changed subtly, the smile tempered with a hint of worry. It was as though they were out on a first date. The ridiculousness of the situation made Yamuna smile. She looked back to Louie and, just as deliberately, laid her head against her husband’s shoulder. They sat like that, gradually relaxing into this new familiarity.
Anyone looking at them would have thought they were a typical family unit. Yamuna looked beyond the fountain at other families: children in various states of emotion; parents with that haunted look of people who really needed more sleep; tears, laughter, boredom. Perhaps they were all fighting the same battles she was. Perhaps this really was how it was done. No magic solutions. No instant family bonding, but small victories, carefully won.
There was another chime from the fountain and Louie gave a squeal and the clapped his hands. Yamuna relaxed against the warmth of her husband. Perhaps this was as good as it got. Perhaps, she thought for the first time, this was enough.