Sahan smoothed down the bedding. He’d had to buy a brand new double duvet and covers to go on the bed that came with the flat. Fully furnished apparently meant the minimum amount of furniture, so there was nothing else in the room apart from a wardrobe and a chair. It was homely enough, though. After living in shared houses and university accommodation, even this tiny flat felt palatial. He went out into the living room, which had no sofa. The only places to sit were four dining chairs at the table. He should get a tablecloth.
He glanced back at the bedroom. He and Soma had married quietly, in a registry office – more a transaction than a wedding. It was hardly the lavish, high society wedding that his father had hoped for. His parents hadn’t even come, although Priyanka had, if only for a short while. He wished things could have been different, but it was what it was and they needed time to get used to Soma’s presence in his life.
He had taken his new wife out for dinner and they had walked hand in hand down the beach. That night he’d flown out so that he could move to Teesside and start his new job, leaving Soma to sort out her visa and follow. That was nearly six weeks ago now. Married life didn’t start for real until she got here.
The thought of sex didn’t repulse him as it once would have done. But the idea still made him nervous. Although he couldn’t fully explain why. He didn’t know how either of them would deal with it. A girl who had been through what Soma had was bound to be fragile. Would she even want to be touched? How would she deal with that? How would he?
All he wanted was to follow his dream of a life with the girl he loved and trust that everything would fall into place. A sudden picture of Kemasiri arose in his mind. He had been an unexpected complication. But if Kemasiri hadn’t forced the situation, would Sahan have risen to the challenge? Or, for all his plans of defiance, would he have eventually given in and done what was expected of him... like he had always done before? He knew the answer. It wasn’t flattering.
Kemasiri had forced him to stop and look at what he had with Soma. To really see what he stood to lose. Then Soma had confessed her secret to him and forced him to look even deeper – past the infatuation with the face and the soft voice that sang a familiar lullaby and to question what drew him to her. To question why he loved her. Or even if he loved her at all.
The girl he’d fallen in love with was quiet and kind and determined. She had learned to read and to speak English and she had done it faster than he could have. He had talked to her about myriad things and watched her soak up knowledge. He had seen the light of understanding flare in her eyes. He knew, without a doubt, that she was cleverer than he was. That given half the opportunities he’d had, she would have been a success. And strangely, instead of putting him off, it made him admire her all the more. He had grown up with girls who had never had to figure out what they had. Girls who knew what they were destined to do – be it studying to become a doctor or marking time until they could marry well. They all had a plan and were supported in their path. Yet Soma, who had nothing, less than nothing, had found a plan and made it her own. In doing so, she’d had to take on a name and another life. She had grown into that life, finding new strengths and depths of daring she didn’t even realise she possessed. Soma was everything he wished he could be: daring, where he was timid, selfless where he was selfish, generous with her feelings, while he was too afraid of rejection to reach out. She was the ying to his yang. The earth to his fire. Being with her made him feel… balanced.
It would be fine. It would have to be.
Soma’s train was due in an hour. Even though he had done as much as he could, he felt the need to do more. He paced into the kitchen and back out again. When his phone pinged, he pounced on it, glad of a distraction.
It was a Skype message from an ID he didn’t recognize. Clicking on it, he recognized his sister Priyanka’s online name. Since starting A-levels at a private college, Priyanka had set up accounts under a fictitious name, so that she could keep in touch with friends. In a nod to their father’s fears, she said she refrained from posting photos. As far as he knew, his parents had no idea.
He accepted the link request. The phone immediately started playing the Skype ringtone.
‘Hey you,’ Priyanka said when he answered.
For a moment, he couldn’t respond. He hadn’t spoken to anyone from home since he’d called to tell them that he was back in England safely. When they’d cut him off, he fully expected never to hear from any of them again.
‘What?’ said Priyanka. ‘I go to all this trouble to call you and you’re not talking to me?’
‘I’m just surprised, that’s all. It’s wonderful to speak to you, Pri.’ He peered at the white tiled wall behind her. ‘Where are you?’
‘College,’ she said. ‘I’m on Anula’s phone.’ Her friend’s hand appeared in the background and waved.
‘Hi. Hi Anula.’ He cleared his throat to shift the lump that had appeared there. College was one of the few places where she was away from their parents’ gaze. ‘How… How are you?’
‘I’m okay. Although, I’m not allowed to have any fun now, since you got yourself hitched.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘So, apart from bored rigid, I’m good.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He smiled at her. She looked the same as usual, which was reassuring. For some reason he’d expected her to be angry and tear streaked. After all, she was the one at home to hear the aftermath of his actions.
She made a ‘tsch’ noise. ‘So, how’s married life?’
‘I don’t know yet. She’s arriving today.’
‘Your Soma?’
How strange it was to hear his sister say that. ‘My Soma.’
She peered at him out of the screen. ‘You are sure about this, right?’
‘No. I’m sure.’ With each day, he became a little more sure. ‘I love her.’
She smiled. ‘In that case, I’m happy for you.’
There was a pause as they both thought about the people who weren’t happy.
‘How are they?’ he said. There was no need to say whom he meant.
For once, she didn’t roll her eyes or make a joke. Her face was serious when she said, ‘Amma is very upset. She keeps going on about not being able to see her grandchildren. Thatha is still roaring around the house. He thinks you’ve turned your back on him and everything he stands for. That you don’t care about him… us.’
‘That’s not true. I—’
‘I know, Sahan. I know. Really, deep inside Thatha probably knows too. Give him time. He’ll calm down.’
‘You think?’ He wasn’t so sure.
‘I know.’ She smiled again. ‘Bim Aiya is a pretty cool guy. Thatha was shouting down the phone at him and Yamuna Akki the other day and Bim says, ‘It’s a shame you can’t spin this to show that you’re truly a man of the people who eschews boundaries of class and caste.’ Thatha was speechless.’ She grinned. ‘Give him some time and you marrying beneath yourself is going to be all his idea.’
He knew she was trying to cheer him up and he was grateful. ‘I am sorry, you know. I’m guessing this isn’t much fun for you.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘You guessed right. It’s all drama, drama, drama at home. You know what the worst part is? I thought I would be the one to rebel, not you.’ She looked at someone off screen. ‘Listen, I’d better go. We’re supposed to be in class. You take care of yourself, okay? I’ll try and talk to you when I can. Email me.’
‘I will. You take care too.’
But she had already cut him off.
Sahan stood in the middle of the flat, staring at the phone for a long time, feeling wretched. He missed home. Being at odds with his family hurt. But there was hope. Priyanka was right. There was a chance that things would heal over time. Bim and Yamuna were still in touch and had already invited them to come and visit when they were settled. At least he hadn’t lost them. Once he and Soma were established, if they did well together, even his parents might accept Soma as a daughter-in-law. He had to hold on to that hope.
Sighing, he checked the time and put the phone back in his pocket. It was nearly time to go and pick up Soma. He pulled on his coat. There wasn’t much he could do about the past. It was time to go and embrace his future.
The train drew into the station before she was ready for it. Soma pulled her bag off the luggage rack. In a way, she wasn’t ever going to be ready, but she would plunge in anyway. Her bag was large enough to be on wheels. She smiled her thanks to the man who helped her lug it off the train and onto the platform. She had more things now than we she had first met Yamuna at the airport. Not a lot more; it all still fit in one bag, but the bag was bigger.
As the crowd thinned, she spotted Sahan hurrying down the platform, weaving between travellers. She felt a little kick of excitement. This was where it all started. Her and Sahan. She tugged her suitcase along.
Sahan gathered her up in an uncharacteristically effusive hug. Surprised, but pleased, she hugged him back. It felt strange, this warm contact. She liked it.
He took her case from her and pulled it along, talking animatedly about the flat. She let his words wash over her and watched, instead, the movement of his face, the sparkle of his eyes. He was so animated, so happy. All doubts she’d had on the way up vanished. This was the right thing to do.
‘It’s not huge,’ said Sahan, as he unlocked the door to the flat. ‘But I can comfortably afford it on my salary.’
Soma nodded. The apartment building was completely different to Yamuna’s comfortable house – bare brick walls and brown lino floors that squeaked underfoot. She hoped the flat itself was less stark. As Sahan pushed open the door, she prepared herself to look at whatever lay beyond it with a favourable eye. She followed him in.
The door opened into the living room. A kitchen linked to it on one side and a bedroom on the other. It was small, but perfectly self-contained. There was a table with chairs, a low TV table, no sofa. Soma took in the large window, the empty space where more furniture could go, the little galley kitchen. She pictured herself making this place home. Happiness bubbled up, fizzing in her chest.
‘It’s perfect,’ she said. ‘Just right for us.’
Sahan beamed. She walked to the kitchen, feeling light, as though she were walking on her toes. The smell of cooking basmati wafted towards her. There was a rice cooker on the counter, steaming gently.
‘I… cooked some food,’ said Sahan. ‘It’s not much. It’s only a vegetable curry and rice. I thought you might be hungry when you got here.’ He slipped past her and took a Tupperware container out of the fridge. ‘I made the curry last night.’
She watched, enchanted, as he fussed around, putting the curry into the microwave and pulling plates out of the cupboard. It was all so… domestic. A real life. Her real life. She looked down at her arms and wondered if this was in fact a dream. She pinched her arm. Ow.
‘What are you doing?’ said Sahan. He took her arm and gently rubbed the red mark that she’d made.
Soma was immediately embarrassed. How young and naïve she must look. ‘I’m sorry. I just…’
‘Thought you were dreaming?’ He looked up, still holding her arm in his warm hand. ‘I know the feeling.’
They stared at each other for a long moment. Soma felt the now familiar longing to touch him. To feel the light stubble on his cheek. To trace the softer skin of his lip. There was nothing to stop her now. She reached forward with her free hand and touched her fingertips to his face.
He drew a breath. His eyes fluttered shut for a moment, but soon flew open again. ‘We… should eat,’ he said and gently released her arm. Puzzled, Soma nodded.
The meal was simple, but perfectly wonderful. Admittedly, the curry wasn’t very good, but it was still better than she’d hoped. She hadn’t expected him to be able to cook at all. All these little things she was finding out about him. Again, there was a little thrill at the thought of being alone with him.
They washed up, side by side, talking about films they’d watched – he in big air conditioned city cinemas and she in hot, sticky rural ones. They compared notes of their childhoods. It was as though her thoughts had been unbuckled and set free after years of captivity. This was why she loved him.
It got late. Soma yawned, the journey and excitement catching up with her.
‘You should go to bed,’ said Sahan. He looked at her bag, still in the hallway, where he had first put it down.
She smiled and held out her hand. He examined the floor and didn’t respond.
A feeling of unease stirred. ‘Sahan?’
He took a deep breath and looked up. ‘Soma,’ he said. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’ He took her hand and led her, not to the bedroom, but to the hard dining chairs. What could possibly be wrong? Had he changed his mind? Did he have some sort of deformity that he was hiding? She sat down.
He held her hand and, not looking up, he told her about Tamsin.
Soma listened, without interrupting. In her mind she saw Sahan, a younger, more innocent Sahan. She felt his shock and humiliation. She suddenly understood why he didn’t try to put his arm around her. The gentle, slow blossoming pace of their relationship hadn’t been because of her, but because of his fears. Without even realising it, they had seen the damage in one another and let love seep into the cracks.
His gaze was still fixed on her hand, which he was cradling gently in his own, one thumb stroking the back of her wrist. His eyelashes looked longer than ever. She took in the shape of his cheek, the long straight nose, the glossy curls. Because he was so beautiful and came from a privileged background, she’d thought there could be nothing wrong in his life. Somehow, the fact that there was, made them equal. And equal was a good place to start a new life.
She closed her hands over his. ‘We both have scars,’ she said, quietly.
He lifted his face, finally making eye contact. ‘This must seem like a huge overreaction to a small thing,’ he said. ‘After what happened to you.’
‘Everything is big when it happens,’ she said. ‘I understand.’ She stood up, making him rise up with her. She took a step closer, until all that separated them was a few inches of air.
‘And you still love me.’ It wasn’t a question. His voice was full of wonder and a tremor of happiness.
‘You love me, in spite of everything.’
He reached up and placed a palm against her cheek. ‘Of course I do.’
So this was what it was like to want to kiss someone. She didn’t know who moved first. Perhaps they both did. His lips were dry and soft and tasted of spices. His skin was warm against hers. When they drew apart again, she felt deprived.
He held her closer and trailed his fingertips down the side of her face and down to her neck. She sighed, closed her eyes and leaned into him, wanting more. Who knew that touching someone could be like this? So gentle. So thrilling. So addictive.
His whisper came through her hair, warm against her ear. ‘I haven’t done this before.’
She opened her eyes so that she could draw back and look at him. His expression was so full of longing that her heart and stomach both flipped. She loved him. He loved her. This was how it was meant to be.
She raised up on her tiptoes and kissed him again. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘I haven’t either.’ She led the way into their new bedroom. ‘We’ll work it out together.’