IN ORDER TO LEAVE THIS COUNTRY, YOU’LL NEED A PASSPORT. Some countries also require visas for entrance or to work, study, or stick around a while. This is step one to get you off your ass and into the world. We’ve been there and have the rashes to prove it, so here is what you need to get started.
THIS U.S. DEPARTMENT OF State website is something our government has actually done right. It has well-organized, complete, and official information regarding passports, visas, embassies, and guidelines for visiting every country on the planet. You should visit this website early and often when planning any international trip.
YOUR TICKET TO THE WORLD, any U.S. citizen can get a passport. Here’s how:
1.Dig up your proof of citizenship (birth certificate, previous passport, or certificate of citizenship) and grab a driver’s license or state ID.
2.Make a copy, front and back, of both forms of ID.
3.Get one passport picture at any drugstore with a photo department in five minutes for about $10. Take off your glasses; don’t wear a hat or bling; and don’t smile. No kissy faces, and keep your shirt on.
4.Go to Travel.state.gov/pass-port/ and fill out the DS-11 form online. Print it out.
5.Submit your application at a post office or municipal government office.
Routine processing for a passport takes four to six weeks and costs $110 (plus $25 for first-timers). Expedited processing is two to four weeks and will run you an extra $60. If you’re traveling within two weeks or need to get a visa within four, it will cost extra, but you can schedule an appointment at one of the twenty-five government passport agencies, and they’ll hook you up with a little blue book faster.
A PASSPORT CARD CAN BE used to travel to Mexico, Canada, or the Caribbean by land or sea (not air!). The application process is about the same as for a passport book, but it fits in your wallet and is $80 cheaper. It’s handy if you live near a border and cross it often, but for the type of travel you should be doing, you’ll need a passport book.
Don’t lose it! Take plenty of precautions. Don’t walk around with your passport (unless the country you’re in requires you to have it at all times). Instead, carry a copy of your passport and visa (if there is one) in your wallet, stash one in your bag, and give one to a travel buddy. Also, e-mail a copy of your passport and visas to yourself in case you lose all your shit and need to prove to Uncle Sam at an embassy that you are family.
Who Are These Guys?
A U.S. embassy is the headquarters for U.S. affairs in a foreign country and assists and protects the rights of Americans in that country. Embassies are in most foreign capital cities, and consulates (basically a junior embassy) are in many other major cities. Both are there to help you when you’re screwed.
The STEP Program
Relax, we’re not sending you to rehab (yet). The STEP Program is provided for free by the government to assist you abroad in case of an emergency and to send you routine info or travel advisories from certain embassies. It takes just a few minutes to set up an account at Step.state.gov and register your upcoming trips. So do it.
What the U.S. Embassy Can Do
If you lose your passport, the embassy will whip you up an emergency one in no time. If you need medical help, they can direct you to some good local docs or help arrange a return to the states, if needed. If you get robbed, they can tell you where to file a police report and help you get money from home if you lose everything. If you’re completely SOL, they may even give you a loan to get back to the states. Broken heart? Deal with it, you sissy.
What the U.S. Embassy Can’t Do
If you fuck up and get thrown in some dingy foreign slammer, the U.S. embassy will not send in SEAL Team Six to whisk you away to safety. You’re expected to abide by the laws of the country you are in, even if those laws are different than back home. So if you get busted committing international atrocities such as gum-chewing in Singapore or PDA in Dubai, don’t expect Uncle Sam to bail you out.
What If I Am Arrested?
You may not get your one phone call, but foreign law enforcement should let you contact your embassy, which can point you to a local lawyer, contact your one cool uncle for bail money, and make sure you are treated humanely according to international law. Unless you indicate otherwise, the embassy must legally keep any info about you private, so Mommy never has to know you were trying to pick up a tranny hooker.
When Shit Really Hits the Fan
If a military coup is threatening to disrupt your hammock time, make sure you are registered with the local embassy through STEP and follow the suggestions in e-mails or news reports. If shit gets bad, they may recommend you leave the country. If shit gets really bad and commercial travel isn’t safe, they may even coordinate an evacuation.
If you do lose it . . . U.S. passports let you move rather easily around most of the world (good news), so the black market for them is huge (bad news). If it gets lost or stolen, go to the nearest U.S. embassy. They will wipe your tears and get you a replacement ASAP.
A VISA IS A DOCUMENT OR stamp placed in your passport that acts as an endorsement to enter a country. Many countries require a visa for entrance, and most do for work, study, or extended stays. Some you can get at the border (or when you arrive), and others you need to obtain in advance. Specifications and requirements can vary widely—for most places in Europe you don’t even need one. If you’re looking for a visa to trek around places not in the EU, however, you’ll need to take a look at their visa requirements. Once again, Travel.state.gov will let you know all the specifics for entering a country, as well as where to go to get a visa, if needed. Plan ahead—some visas take weeks to get, and sometimes if you don’t have one, you’ll be denied boarding on your flight or will be turned away at the border.