New Year’s Day is quiet. Tanya sleeps for most of it. She must have partied hard. Regan cooks a roast, greens, and black-eyed peas. The evil twin’s Tahoe is gone, so I eat with Mama, Regan, and a grouchy sister. Thankfully, Justin hasn’t made it down, more than likely pissed at me or giving me space.
Later that night, my door is locked and my knife lays under my pillow. Doesn’t matter, I toss and turn, hardly getting a wink of sleep.
The next morning, I sleep past my alarm for school. Justin has sent me a text. My heart flip-flops. No matter how confounding my emotions are, it makes me feel better knowing he still cares. I’ve been a real a-hole to him all week. It’s a wonder he isn’t giving me the cold shoulder.
I’ve got basketball practice this afternoon, but I can give u a lift 2 school if u want. Or r u riding with Tanya? Just let me know, either way.
My mind spins in turmoil. My heart wants Justin—demands that I try to find some way to move past this and make things right with him. Conflicted indecision ransacks my every thought. I haven’t seen Jackson since that night. Maybe I can forget what he took from me. Justin’s identical face is like a weight crushing down on me. But the thought of not being with Justin feels like a knife gutting me in my heart. I clasp at my diamond pendant necklace I’ve been wearing since Christmas—a gift so precious to me. Eventually, my heart wins out, making the choice for me. I have to attempt to get through this, so I text him back.
Hi. I’ll ride with u & see if I can hitch a ride home with Tanya. I’m running late. Slept past my alarm.
No, problem. I’ll grab a bite downstairs while I wait & fix u a latte.
Thank u.
Normally, I don’t wear much make-up. My eyes have huge bags this morning, so I apply a light coat of base concealing them. Thankfully, I don’t need much for my neck. The bruises have almost faded away. While I’m at it, I add mascara and lip gloss. Nothing fancy, but it does the trick. Taylor students are vocal. They won’t hesitant to tell me I look like crap. Gotta appreciate their honesty. I rush downstairs in record time. The aroma of caramel fills the kitchen as I walk in. Justin is rocking jeans and a Houston Rockets hoodie with red and black Jordans.
“Morning, sleeping beauty,” Justin greets me.
“Good morning yourself,” I say, trying not to look at him. I fail miserably as our eyes lock for a second. I break contact quickly, praying he doesn’t notice my unease. I sense he is staring. I can feel his penetrating gaze.
“Your make-up looks great. Subtle but nice.”
My cheeks blaze scarlet. “I didn’t get much sleep last night,” I blurt without thinking.
“Bad dreams? Is that why you couldn’t sleep?”
More like horrible flashbacks. “Are there any bananas?” I’m not even hungry. I just hope he will drop it.
“I ate the last one, sorry.”
“No worries. I’ll grab a pack of Pop-tarts.” Justin sighs, but he doesn’t push the issue. I place the Pop-tarts in the toaster and smile kindly as he hands me a latte. Justin’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. “Thanks for making this.”
He grins sheepishly, raising his drink. “I fixed myself one, too.”
My eyes dart to his face, then back to the porcelain floor. His favorite flavor latte is cinnamon vanilla, which is ironic because his natural scent smells similar to cinnamon. That night I smelled pine, which should’ve sent alarm bells immediately. Burrowing into a hole seems more tempting by the second.
“You ready?” Justin snaps me back to the now.
I nod, gathering my things to head out.
* * *
During the week, I attempt to act as normal as I can. Justin walks me to my classes, making idle chit-chat. He never tries to touch me. With the vibes that are popping off me, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to sense my distress.
Jackson keeps his distance. I haven’t seen him once, at home or school—a welcome relief. If it works in my favor, I hope I never have to see him again.
Justin and I are sitting in his Aviator on the side of our house with the heater running the following Friday. Justin glances at me, then shifts in his seat.
“It’s killing me to see that something is troubling you.”
Clearing my throat, I fidget with my hands. “I’m not sure what to say.”
“How about telling me what’s wrong? Up until Christmas, things were perfect between us.”
I miss our closeness, too. I just can’t fathom how it will be if we are intimate in any way. “I don’t know how to get close to you,” I admit.
Justin slides over, and then he lifts my chin, forcing me to look at him. His entire face is scrunched in pain. “What do you mean? It’s never been an issue before. Don’t shut me out, Madi!”
How can I explain? “I don’t want to….”
Justin’s beautiful features haunt me, but his eyes are searing me with such intensity, making it hard to look away. First, he kisses my forehead, followed by my lips. I shiver. He pulls me closer, kissing me with more pressure. As he kisses me with more passion, I kiss him back for a spell. I want him to erase everything his brother has taken from me.
My heart begins to feel tight, like a fist is squeezing it. Against my will, I’m thrown into darkness, back to that night. My arms are aching from being pinned above my head—all the while wondering why he’s being so rough with me. I attempt to force my mind away from that dreadful night. But I stay paralyzed, having to endure the aftermath of what came with it.
“Madi, Madi!”
I look around dazed. “Where am I?”
“It’s me, Justin.”
Blinking rapidly, I’m back in his SUV. Justin is leaning over me and his eyes are as big as golf balls. I am a bit confused because Justin had disappeared.
“Where did you go?”
“What are you talking about?” I attempt to play it off. His brow furrows. I couldn’t be an actress.
“You zoned out. One minute we were kissing, and then you stiffened in my arms. Your eyes were dilated and even though you were staring at me, you saw straight through me.”
I cringe. Being with Justin is worse than I thought it would be.
“You scared the heck outta me. Tell me what’s bothering you, please!”
My heart continues to pound against my rib cage. I doubt if I can ever be intimate with Justin again. Just seeing his face puts me in a tailspin. My heart begs to differ, demanding I at least try. This is confirmation we can’t be together. When Justin kissed me, I’d hoped he could wipe away everything that occurred. Instead, it lurched me back into that night.
Before, I used to love when Justin kissed or touched me in any way. Now, it is devastating to the core. His other half shattered what we had together. It feels like a hole is where my heart should be.
On the verge of breaking down with the realization of what this means, I say, “I’m sorry Justin. I … can’t do this.” I flee from his truck before he can stop me.
* * *
Justin disappears all weekend—his truck is hardly home. I’ve managed to finally scare him off and have never felt worse in my life. My peers at Taylor begin noticing things aren’t the same between us early on in the next week. Justin hasn’t walked me to any of my classes—we’ve only said a quick hello in passing.
On my way to lunch on Wednesday, I’m bombarded by my two besties.
“Okay, spill it,” Lina says while we wait in the lunch line.
I raise my eyebrow.
“Don’t even try to deny it,” Cara chimes in. “You and Jenkins have been as tight as white ever since before Thanksgiving. But since last week you guys seem skittish around each other.”
“Over the last two days, nonexistent,” Lina adds.
How can I get around this? Lina knew something was wrong when I stayed at her house a few days over break. So far, she hasn’t questioned me further. “Justin and I are taking a break.” I hand the cashier money to pay for my lunch. “Things were just too hot and heavy.”
They both gape at me. “How old are you, eighty?” asks Lina. “What’s wrong with things getting heated? I used to get hot just watching you two.”
“Yeah, your chemistry was smoking hot,” Cara throws in.
“That’s what I am talking about. I’m not quite seventeen yet. Too young to be getting that serious.” It’s a lousy excuse, just all that I can come up with at the moment.
“With the way Justin looks—are you ill?” Cara stares at me like I’ve grown three heads. “Any gal in their right mind wouldn’t dare complain if they got a chance to make out with him anytime they could.”
“Not to mention how well he treats you. Called you my love, for goodness sakes.” Lina puts in her two cents. “You were heads over hills, Madie. Cara and I can both see that you’re upset over it. What really happened? We hate seeing you unhappy.”
We plop down at our usual table. My appetite vanishes. They’re my friends, and it’s nice to know they care. I just can’t tell them the truth. As far as I know, no one even knows Tanya and I live with them. “Okay, look … something did happen.” Flinching, I add, “I just can’t talk about it.”
Lina reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “I thought you guys would be able to work through it.”
“Justin and I care about each other…. It’s just too complicated to explain.”
“Geez, sorry, Madison.” Cara’s eyes drop like she’s lost her best friend.
“Certain circumstances are why we can’t be together. I’m not sure if the problem can be fixed.” My heart contracts as if it is being crushed. “Can we please change the subject?”
With how my friends are both staring at me with expressions of regret, I doubt they will bring up the topic of Justin any time soon.
* * *
Thursday morning on our way to school, Tanya starts on me. “Looks like trouble down lover’s lane. Did you and Justin break up?”
Trying a different tactic, I answer, “Our parents are dating and moved us all in together. We clicked, having a lot in common. Justin and I are friends, so I’m not sure why you’re reading more into it.”
Tanya’s mouth drops open. “You’re kidding me, right? You wanna play the ‘we’re only friend’s card’ after you admitted to me that y’all were going out?” She bursts into hysterics. “Give me a break. Something happened, you look miserable.” I glare at her. Shrugging, she says, “Well, just wallow around then, I tried to talk to you about it.”
Tanya knows how to comfort someone about as much as a snake does its babies.
* * *
Saturday, I eat leftovers from the night before, then I fix myself a latte. I need as much caffeine as possible, so I can stay up as long as I can. My plan is to stick my head in a book until I can’t keep my eyes open. Lately, sleep has become my enemy. All week, I’ve been having nightmares of that night. It’s starting to become a horrible trend. After three nights in a row, I fear what tonight will bring. I’m going to drink lattes until my mouth grows dry—anything to stay awake.
Saturdays are pretty quiet around here. Jackson and Tanya always have something going on with their friends. Neither of them is home. Before things went south, Justin and I would hang out for most of the day. With Regan and Mama heavy into real estate, Saturday is a busy day for them. They are normally gone all day with clients, or they go out together doing whatever.
Deep in thought, I don’t pay attention and bump into Justin’s chest. My latte splatters on his shirt. “Gosh, I’m sorry, Justin.”
His lips curl up, bashfully. “You’ve been known to be a klutz.”
I feel my cheeks flame crimson. It’s a fact I’m fairly clumsy. I appreciate him making light of it. There has been so much tension between us since I’d bolted from his truck. Hot air is seconds from popping. “I hope that stain comes out.” My eyes dart from his shirt to his handsome face. My chest tightens, so I immediately look away.
“Don’t worry about it. I was only joking.”
“I know. I am clumsy, though.” He chuckles, a lovely sound I miss.
“How’ve you been? We haven’t really talked.”
Swallowing the huge lump in my throat, I reply, “That’s my fault.”
“Well, I’ve been angry with you, also—wanting you to confide in me.”
Silence looms in the air. I want to come forth, but how do I confess to him what his brother has done? Not your regular everyday conversation. “Justin … I hate the way things are between us.”
He lifts my chin to meet his eyes. “Well, let’s fix this. You don’t have to tell me what happened. It’s obvious you don’t want to or can’t talk about it. Let’s just move forward.”
“I don’t know if I can, and it’s not that I don’t care about you.”
“I’ve never felt this way before.” His hazel eyes pierce me, then he shifts his weight. “I … love you, Madison Guillory.”
My heart soars at his words. As I gaze into his attractive features my heart tightens, getting a flashback of terror. Why is life so messed up? My feelings for Justin overwhelm me, never having felt this way, either. Yet, I can’t even look him in the eye. Tears spring to the surface and begin to fall. Justin reaches up, wiping my tears. Just tell him, a voice inside encourages me. It’s on the tip on my tongue to blurt it out, then I see movement in my peripheral vision.
Both of us turn. Jackson stands with his arms crossed, leaning against a wall. “Don’t let me interrupt.”
Justin narrows his eyes. “As a matter of fact, you are.”
“Please don’t stop on my account.” Jackson’s lips purse up.
“You’re such a dick,” Justin replies.
Jackson meets my eyes and terror consumes me. I feel myself being pulled into the darkness of that night. Unknowingly, I have begun to retreat. My back hits a wall. Justin switches his attention to me.
“Madi, wait.”
I don’t. Rushing to my bedroom, I lock the door. Racing to my pillow, I search underneath it for my friend, feeling more protected when I grip the knife.
It seems like it takes forever for me to calm down. My stomach churns. Jackson had the nerve to just stand there, cracking his normal quips like everything is peachy. I feel awful for running out when Justin had declared his love for me. Not like I have a clue of how to respond. Telling him I love him back will only make matters worse. He wears his face. Deep in my core, I know I won’t be able to be with him anymore. I am damaged goods. Knowledge of this guts me. It will be difficult to do, but Justin deserves better than being strung along. I need to be honest with him. Problem is, we’ve already crossed a line. Being friends will probably not be an option at this point, either—too painful.