Tapping lightly on Justin’s bedroom door, I hold my breath. It has been a few hours since our conversation got interrupted. I gather my remaining courage to finish this. I think he may not answer with as long as I stand here—maybe my anxiety makes it seem longer. Cracking his door, Justin peeks out.
“Hi,” I say, feeling no bigger than a mouse.
Justin’s eyes dilate. “Hey….”
“May I please come in?” He opens the door wider, letting me inside. I fidget with my hands—Justin changes his footing. “I … wanted to finish our conversation from earlier.”
“What happened? When my dick-wad brother interrupted us, you looked like you’d seen a ghost.”
Best to just dive right in, because I am far from okay. “Justin … I’m going through a situation right now. So, I think we need to take a break from each other.”
“What? Why do we have to break-up?”
“It’s not right for me to string you along.”
“I wanna be there for you. Let me help you through whatever’s going on.”
“You can’t help me with this.”
He closes the distance between us. I can’t meet his eyes. First, he kisses my forehead. I know what’s next. Lifting my chin, he leans in, kissing my lips. Lightly, and then with more pressure. I pull away, gazing into his hazel eyes. Staring at his identical features haunts me.
My breath catches in my chest. I feel myself teetering on the threshold of darkness and light—the entire reason I must end this with him. “Justin, don’t.”
Wrinkles line his forehead. “Is it something I did wrong?”
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Well, if you aren’t mad at me, then we should work through it together. That’s the whole point of being in a relationship.”
We are going in circles. I need to try a different tactic. “Certain circumstances are why we have to break it off. It’s not fair if I can’t give you my whole heart.” The issue is, he already has it. That’s what makes me saying this unbearable.
My heart isn’t the problem, my mind begs to differ. I am not sure if I’m suffering from some sort of traumatic stress or what. But just glimpsing at Justin causes my chest to constrict. Let alone, when he kisses me, it almost sends me into a panic. Like I’m struggling to stay above water, suffocating, or attempting to keep myself grounded to the light. Glancing at his face is threatening to plummet me into the opaqueness of that night.
“So this boils down to your feelings toward me. You don’t feel the same way?”
He’s so far off the mark. “Justin, I care about you, a lot…. My feelings have nothing to do with it.”
“You’re not making sense.” His bewilderment turns to anger, and he starts pacing. “Are you seeing someone else?”
“Yes … I am,” I blurt before I can stop myself.
A lie, but it may do the trick. I hate myself knowing this will hurt him more. Justin doesn’t seem like he wants to accept what I’m saying. I can’t go through with telling him the truth. Justin said he loved me, but he’s only known me for five months. Would Justin choose me over his twin that he has known his entire life? And Jackson scares me. He promised to take me down if I told. If I confess, would Jackson harm me worse than he already has? Fear above all overrules, so I keep the door to the truth locked.
“Are you serious?” His eyes form into narrow slits.
“He goes to Elsik. Actually, he used to go to my old high school, too.”
“The guy you dated last year?”
“Exactly. I ran into him and we kinda rekindled things. So, I can’t continue to lead you on.” I am pulling stuff out of my butt as I go. As horrible as this lie is, as much damage as it will cause, it seems to be my only option. Justin opens his mouth, and then closes it. His nostrils flare. Having never seen him so angry, I take a few steps toward the door.
“Let me get this straight. You saw your ex and it got hot and heavy, so you’re dumping me for him?” I can only nod. His face contorts. “After all the time we’ve spent together?”
I look away, hating Jackson even more. This is all his fault. “I never meant to hurt you, Justin.”
“I don’t know what I believe anymore. I swear, if I see this dude….”
I’m not sure what else to say. I should probably leave. Our conversation is getting intense.
“I’ll tell you one thing—you’ve stomped all over my heart.”
Tears spring to my eyes, and I fight to contain them. “I’m sorry.”
“If someone had told me a year ago that I’d fall for my dad’s, girlfriend’s daughter, I would’ve laughed in their face. I’ve never loved anyone before. Yet, I confess my love for you, and you tell me you’re going out with someone else. You’re unbelievable!”
“Please forgive me.”
“Save your apologies. You wanna be with that guy, fine. I’m done trying.”
The pain of his words feels worse than what his brother did. He turns away from me, nothing left to be said. He hates me now. I wish I could crawl into a hole and never come out. I rush from his room as sobs wash over me.
* * *
The rest of January is beyond awkward. Justin and I are only cordial to each other. Chicks at school are eating it up, especially Jennifer. I keep out of the spotlight. I hang with Lina and Cara at lunch or when we walk together in the halls. Other than that, I go straight to my classes and keep a low profile. Spanish II is torture. Justin still sits behind me, but we only say a quick hello and that’s about it. Not being with Justin is an agony I have never experienced. Attempting to push through what occurred and be with Justin afterward was giving me panic attacks, though. There is no other option, I remind myself.
I spend most of my time trying to pretend it didn’t happen, to act normal. Burying my head in books helps somewhat. Before, I was a diehard romantic. Now I steer clear of that genre—can’t stomach it. Reading romance reminds me of what Justin and I have lost—what I felt forced to end. Dystopian is my new thing. Over the past few weeks, I’ve read all three books of the Divergent series, then I dived into the movies. During the day, in my free time, indulging in fantasy helps me to not think about my reality.
Nighttime is a different story. It seems like almost every night, his face haunts me. Mostly, I wake up terrified and shivering. The only thing that helps to calm me is gripping my friend underneath my pillow. Anxiety, nightmares, and terror has become a part of my new lifestyle. How much longer will I have to go through this? The only good thing is that Jackson seems to be avoiding me as much as I try to avoid him. I couldn’t be more relieved.